Miri Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I recently met someone with whom I have a fantastic connection. We've spent many, many hours talking nearly every day for the last month, and we've had a few dates and took an overnight weekend trip together. There was an extremely intense mutual intellectual and physical attraction, and he likes talking to me every day (for an hour or more) and sharing everything about his thoughts, dreams, and emotions. I feel like I am close to him and that he needs me in a way, as a muse and emotional confidante. Things just started to get a lot more physical (though we have not had sex yet) and he told me that he is not really up for a serious committed relationship because so much of his life is in flux right now (he wants to quit his job, is unsure he will be staying in this city for more than a year, and has some various projects of his own he wants to focus on and he is very driven to see those through). However he said he was open to a serious relationship down the line possibly, it's just that he doesn't know what future lies ahead for him with so much of his life still unsettled - and he wants to focus on that before a relationship. He's just not in a place where he can promise a solid future and he felt he doesn't have time to maintain a full-blown relationship at this time though he enjoys my company (it's definitely NOT just sexual). He said he would like to continue seeing me and seeing what happens. Also he was clear that he was only interested in a monogamous thing but at the same time he wasn't ready to put a label on it and any expectations (it's early yet anyway, as we've only known each other a month, so I'm not expecting commitment or to be called a girlfriend or anything yet). At this point I know we really like each other on more than a physical level and there could be potential for so much more. He was very transparent and honest about it and I know no one can know what will happen, but if a man just says up front that he's not really looking for a serious relationship due to current circumstances (but says it may be possible later), does it mean that he just wants someone to see for sex really? Or is it possible something serious could develop from this?
Els Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I think it's usually a good idea to take what someone says to you at face value. So if he says he's not ready, he doesn't want to be in a romantic R with you for whatever reason. You would do yourself injustice to hang around hoping for more, IMO. Sure, be friends with him if you like, but don't hold out hoping that he'll get around to wanting you as a gf. 8
starla33 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I think it's usually a good idea to take what someone says to you at face value. So if he says he's not ready, he doesn't want to be in a romantic R with you for whatever reason. You would do yourself injustice to hang around hoping for more, IMO. Sure, be friends with him if you like, but don't hold out hoping that he'll get around to wanting you as a gf. I've been in this exact situation. THEY do not change their mind on this 4
Adele0908 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 It's not just about sex, you even said that yourself. If you are scared that its just gonna be sex then don't have sex with him. The fact that he was honest shows that it could develop into something more down the line. So be honest with him about how you feel, and just try to enjoy the moment without worrying so much about the future. The future hasn't happened yet, therefore it doesn't exist. Worrying about the future robs you of enjoying the present. You only have today so keep that in mind. 1
newmoon Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 >>>>>he told me that he is not really up for a serious committed relationship because so much of his life is in flux right now (he wants to quit his job, is unsure he will be staying in this city for more than a year, and has some various projects of his own he wants to focus on and he is very driven to see those through). However he said he was open to a serious relationship down the line possibly<<<< this is your answer. the guy has already told you. don't say you weren't warned :-) he likes you as a friend and will sleep with you if you let him, but it won't be going anywhere significant. find someone who wants the level of commitment you do - you can find a 'great connection' with lots of other men 4
Matmana Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I think something serious could definitely develop from this relationship. He probably is into you, but he doesn't want to rush anything. If he is saying he wants to be monogamous, then it means he just wants to be with you. Just take your time and see how things play out, I am sure it will turn out for the better
RedRobin Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 He said he would like to continue seeing me and seeing what happens. Also he was clear that he was only interested in a monogamous thing but at the same time he wasn't ready to put a label on it and any expectations (it's early yet anyway, as we've only known each other a month, so I'm not expecting commitment or to be called a girlfriend or anything yet). These are weasel words. He wants you as a FWB... mostly benefits.. with you being monogamous and him having no label and you having no expectations. Couldn't be clearer. This has no chance of going anywhere... A guy who is interested in pursuing a relationship with YOU would never say the above.... especially after a month of spending time with you. One last thing... if you agree to this (or maybe even if you don't agree, and you decide to date him anyway) know that you risk being known as FWB 'material'... to all his friends, co-workers, and everyone else he might know or come across in the future... 5
Author Miri Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Thanks for the replies so far. I am really torn - maybe I should just enjoy the ride without serious expectations. He actually does seem to care and genuinely like me but can't offer a future yet because he still needs to figure out what that will be for himself first. I told him I wasn't interested in casual or FWB arrangement and he said he doesn't enjoy the sleazy/casual thing either. I think it would be more like dating without serious expectations for whether it will lead to something like marriage. He wanted monogamy because he said he could only be emotionally involved with one person at a time. I guess the main issue is he might move in a year and doesn't want to lie to me about that. But he also said he really doesn't know what will happen and that pepple are unpredictable most of all and he might end up settling here and wanting a serious long-term relationship if things go well. He went through a divorce a couple of years ago so he says it takes him a long time to trust people - that could be why he doesn't like labels. I guess I'm not sure if it is possible this COULD lead somewhere more significant or if that's pretty much never going to happen.
happykat Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 You should go ahead and give him some and see if he will be your boyfriend. I wish we could "dislike" posts around here lol 1
starla33 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Thanks for the replies so far. I am really torn - maybe I should just enjoy the ride without serious expectations. He actually does seem to care and genuinely like me but can't offer a future yet because he still needs to figure out what that will be for himself first. I told him I wasn't interested in casual or FWB arrangement and he said he doesn't enjoy the sleazy/casual thing either. I think it would be more like dating without serious expectations for whether it will lead to something like marriage. He wanted monogamy because he said he could only be emotionally involved with one person at a time. I guess the main issue is he might move in a year and doesn't want to lie to me about that. But he also said he really doesn't know what will happen and that pepple are unpredictable most of all and he might end up settling here and wanting a serious long-term relationship if things go well. He went through a divorce a couple of years ago so he says it takes him a long time to trust people - that could be why he doesn't like labels. I guess I'm not sure if it is possible this COULD lead somewhere more significant or if that's pretty much never going to happen. Um a guy I was seeing that is like this has been single for about 6-7 years now (that means not committed to anyone in those years but dating). Do you really want to wait around YEARS for a guy like this? I mean if you can do the FWB thing then do it, but most girls including myself will get attached at some point.
Star Gazer Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I've been in this exact situation. THEY do not change their mind on this Me three. If presented with the same fact pattern again, I'd wish him well in his endeavors and look for an alternative relationship partner. 2
starla33 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Me three. If presented with the same fact pattern again, I'd wish him well in his endeavors and look for an alternative relationship partner. i stuck around for a while because of amazing sex and how comfortable i felt with him. Unfortunately it's pretty hard to find
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 OP, another thing that nobody mentioned yet is that you might not have as great a connection as you think. It might just be 'great' on your end. I've had many women in the past say that we 'had a great connection' or 'connected on so many levels', but I didn't feel that way at all. In some of those cases, I didn't even particularly enjoy talking to the woman....or I felt so-so about her, but was in a dry spell and kept her around basically because I didn't have any other options. Also, I'm a guy that talks about my feelings to everybody IRL. So people mistake me doing so with them as a 'good connection'. Make sure you're not assuming that he likes you as much as you like him. If he did, he might be more open to a relationship. 1
ascendotum Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 i stuck around for a while because of amazing sex and how comfortable i felt with him. Unfortunately it's pretty hard to find What's hard to find Starla..a guy who's good in bed...or a guy who is amazing in bed? If a guy's going to keep this going to keep a girl who wants more hanging in with nsa, he going to want to be a good catch (well in her mind anyway) or a good screw. OP, believe what he says. Don't go reading between the lines looking for what you want it to be. Yes it is possible something serious could develop down the line, but also quite possibly not (more likely). He just wants casual. It does not mean that he is out to use you just for the sex or does not like or respect you by any means, but having a full-time gf is not a priority in his life for the time being, but a fwb would be ideal I bet. "Also, I'm a guy that talks about my feelings to everybody IRL. So people mistake me doing so with them as a 'good connection'." Yep. Girls need to try not let their emotions for the guy misinterpret this and get sucked in with 'great connection' just because he gets personal on his feelings (well in the initial days anyway).
shexy Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Based on what you've said, I doubt anything will come of it, other than you getting hurt if you continue to pursue him. He's already said he doesn't want a relationship. I think telling you he might be moving in a year and that's why he doesn't want a relationship is lame. It sounds like he wants to keep you around in hopes of some sex, but has no intention of ever making you his girlfriend. 1
Author Miri Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) On the connection part...it really is substantial. Maybe not on the emotional side but definitely the intellectual. I have never had something like it with anyone else and I have dated many very smart and educated men. We are very similar intellectually and artistically and share similar worldviews, values, interests, sense of humor, etc. It's actually extremely unusual and I had long since given up hope on ever meeting anybody who I would be truly well-matched with in those areas. Then he showed up out of nowhere and it was just really intense... I know he definitely considers me a great match in those areas as well. We are both very particular but I know he admires me and thinks I'm intelligent, beautiful, and a good artistic match. I can imagine that if circumstances had been different (if he hadn't been so burned by his divorce and having a start a new life, etc.) and he wasn't feeling so temporary about his life right now in general, I probably would have been the woman of his dreams... but he seems a bit cynical now. I can sense that he wasn't like that in the past. He keeps emphasizing that he doesn't know what will happen and that he could very well be wanting a relationship. I actually sense that he is needier than he admits. He feels a need to talk to me all the time and share his life. Maybe it's the post-divorce thing that makes him want to take things slowly and not plan for any future. He has made it clear he doesn't want to date any other women now that he has met me. The chemistry is also off the charts so I think maybe I should just enjoy it for what it is because I'm not likely to meet someone that I feel this way about for a long, long time. After all, so often even in relationships where the man declares undying love and affection it turns out not to be the case. Edited June 3, 2013 by Miri
BluEyeL Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I think this is very very risky, but you seem very into him, and I think that no matter what we say, you'll not be able to pull away anyway. They say that it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved. So I'd say dive right in and expect the hurt to happen. If it doesn't, wonderful!! Have low hopes however, and just enjoy the moment as much as possible.
Author Miri Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Yes I am truly kind of worried but I think in the end it may be fine even if he doesn't want a relationship - in that it will still be enjoyable and probably will part on amicable and respectful terms. For someone not interested in a relationship he sure does act like he is in one though. And has put a lot of effort into getting to know me and doing things together that are non-sexual. And even now after our discussion he still initiates conversations, wants to talk to me and hear about my day and thoughts, wants to plan trips together. 1
Author Miri Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 We've been chatting a lot today, at his initiative, about multiple things (unrelated to relationship) and I eventually brought up the discussion from last night. He says is sorry that he really can't provide clarity right now because he isn't sure of himself. He said that relationships are complicated and take work and he needs time to figure some things out because his life is so unsettled and it's causing him a lot of stress. So now he is saying how about being friends (without benefits) for a while if that's more comfortable for me, and see how things develop. Now I wonder if this means he really wants to pull back and just make it a platonic thing, or if he does think there is potential for a more serious relationship. In the end we decided to just play it by ear. I don't know if this is a good resolution. I just want to date him like a normal person. I understand a bit about why he is this way from being burned in the past - but I wish he weren't such a complicated person!
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I honestly think there is such a thing as talking TOO much about a relationship before a relationship has even happened. You need to take this man at face value and protect your heart. I understand you connect with him but he is not a unicorn. You will find other men you will connect with that will WANT to be with you instead of one that is ambivalent towards it all. I would end this or proceed with caution. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 This is a very clear illustration of something I have talked a lot about here, on Love Shack. A mans dream girl on paper and who he has an AMAZING connection with? He may not just get strong romantic feelings towards her. A women who connects far less with him on the level in which you do? He could fall madly in love with her and want to commit. Just because you connect amazingly with a person in a rare way and feel you just have so much to talk about and you feel comfortable sharing anything with each other; it does not mean there are romantic feelings. It is really hard. It would be confusing to "get" each other so much, have amazing intellectual and personal connections unlike you have felt with anyone before, and yet one person simply lacks feelings towards you of the romantic kind! ...Put it this way. A fairly average women with a less impressive resume than you in regards to her career and level of education, who does not connect AS well with him as you do; she may just have "something" about her that causes this dude to have romantic feelings towards her. I am sorry to hear that a man you feel you had the potential to become very romantically enthralled with, does not return your feelings. It is best you move on and talk to him when your over him and can be friends. I actually think he would make a wonderful friend, since you connect so well and are intellectually suited. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If a guy is really into you he doesn't need to arrange some friends without benefits thing, just so he can 'see what happens' In general, a guy knows early on if he's interested in a woman. They don't need time to see ' if you grow on them' Look, it is very clear that this man perhaps WANTS to develop strong romantic feelings for you, since you have such a great connection. It's just not going to happen. Such feelings are never something a man has to think this much about.
ascendotum Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 What he's doing is getting from you what he needs - an emotional connection, an intellectual connection, and very soon a physical one as well. It won't be long before sex "just happens." That's a given. If you believe his bullsh*t that he's NOT interested in sex, then I have some oceanfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you. And he wants all these things WITHOUT having to put a label on it and without having to do the WORK that goes into a committed adult relationship. How flattering. Not. If you're willing to be devalued like that, go for it. And down the road when you've played the role of loving, devoted girlfriend and you hear those famous words, "...but I TOLD you I couldn't commit or be in a serious relationship..." you'll have no one to blame but yourself. The label is 'friends'. Relationship obligations should not just fall on the shoulders of the guy. With a friendship with sex relationship, there are no responsibilities or obligations on her likewise. She is free to shop around for a bigger better deal at anytime. Free to dictate when or if she's available for anything other then going out socially. Likewise when it comes to sex, its not like she has to persevere through it for the sake of keeping him around for the intellectual conversations. She'll be getting her rocks off too. She can take his offer of friendship or leave it. As long as she is not going into it with blinkers on then she is wont be devaluing her self. If she takes into serious consideration what people have told her here, but wants to keep seeing this guy, then her needs (with a little bit of wishes) are being bet (at this time). I gather she's been single for quiet a while and he is the best thing to come along in ages. She can stay single or she can enjoy some wonderful times with this guy (and also some heartache). Just like can happen for a lot of other people who jump into bf/gf label relationships which go bust within a year.
ascendotum Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If a guy is really into you he doesn't need to arrange some friends without benefits thing, just so he can 'see what happens Yep pretty much. While this guy is very likely genuine in his reason for having limited availability for a full time relationship, if she was as great to him in his life as he is to her, he would make time, or least say give it a good shot rather than risk losing her. We are jumping to conclusion he is leading for a fwb, but at this stage he has not pushed for sex and only talked of friendship, while she wants more with him. He's been upfront.
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