Can't stop liking a girl who has bf and can't figure her out

[bafflio]

So.. where to begin? I met her last Summer in university - then ended up having a same class with her during the upcoming year. I soon found out that she was in a relationship but I couldn't stop. I was aggressive and I asked her out on cafe and movies (the movie didn't work.. - she said she was too busy and I took that as a no. The funny thing is I expected her to say no flat out - but she said okay in the beginning. I guess she is just really shy but then still.. btw, we met up couple of times in the cafe for chat). But then after 3 months into meeting her I ended up giving her some chocolates for no reason - and she took them (didn't know it was chocolate - it was packaged) and sent me a ty text later. Fast forward to January, by this time I was trying to avoid her because I thought nothing would work out and she was still in a relationship. Then I gave in and I asked her to catch up - and we met. I gave her another gift (some scent thingy) and she received it with no hesitation again. She said she loved it and thanked me. All this time the furthest I went for was a hug.. I was insecure, yes - and it took me much courage to even try touching her arm when saying goodbye. I stopped doing that after several weeks because she wasn't reciprocating - but then only recently I found that maybe I shouldn't have stopped that - apparently some girls just don't reciprocate.. anyways.

 

Oh, back in October she asked me to join her work out in a gym in a campus. I found it, and still find it, puzzling - of course there is always the conservative explanation that she considered me as a friend - but back then when I was so head over hills over her, I was very excited. We met, but I didn't flirt - and that may have been a grave mistake.

 

Then came what I thought was denouement. Since January again I was 'avoiding' her by not initiating any communication. Then in April she contacted me and said we should catch up. I had to oblige. Well, there was this gift that I had bought for her Christmas but I couldn't give it to her because it was so damn big. I thought it would be inappropriate. But I had it all packaged it up nice and all - and had it stashed away in my closet for months. After we hung out I invited her to my room (this was like the 3rd time she came to my room) and I gave her the gift and told her I liked her. Response? She received it (never refused it) and said many thanks. She was impressed that I remembered the scent she mentioned in a passing manner. I thanked her for getting me back on track - thanks to her I started going to the gym, and working on my self. Also, I told her that I was able to think positively - that, although it pained me to want her badly, I could think that it didn't necessarily have to be her - that I should be able to find my own love in the future. I guess here I made the mistake of not telling her (but I thought it would work out) that I still liked her. I truly believed that I could move on. I knew I was a fool for giving so many gifts for her, but I didn't know how else to show my affection.

 

But despite such words and thoughts my feelings didn't go away. Although I had thought that closing up in such a manner would bring it all to an end, it didn't and seems it just backfired. After this meeting, I went abroad for traveling and came back - then she messaged me asking me how the trip was.

 

I am getting this built up emotion, stronger than ever before. I feel like if I met her again I wouldn't be able to control myself. Before I tried my best to respect her relationship and all, and also believed that she didn't fancy me romantically (which probably is still the case) - but now they all are fading away behind. What can I do? I tried to figure what she was - in all likelihood, I was probably a nice friend. But then all the while I tried to give her signals that I liked her. That wasn't enough, so I told her my feelings in the end. But nothing seems to have changed. My passion wants her but my rationality wants this to end. It seems like I am going out of control. I want to ask her out to a park (hopefully she doesn't come - then I will be blocked and there'd be nothing between us anymore) and I will tell her I still like her and then I don't know. Probably she will say 'I don't' and it will then end. I don't know. I might do something stupid.

 

I've been going to the gym and doing PE - they were helping my self-esteem immensely but then all of a sudden I feel this big emptiness again. Maybe because it's because I've never been in a relationship before. I hope it will just cool off..Thanks for reading.

[JuneJulySeptember]

You sound very socially backwards, shy, and like a real good guy. Sounds like you may have had very little female attention in your life.

 

Unfortunately, for guys like you, you get to suffer all of the pains of dating and none of the pleasures.

 

Here's the bottom line. You need to completely rethink the way you do things in dating.

 

The young woman you have mentioned does not have any feelings for you. If I were to guess, she probably never even thinks about you. You see. Normal people like a person, and when it doesn't work out, they are able to turn their desire for that person off, perhaps because they have other options. The lonelier and more backwards you are, the more likely you are to make the object of your desire something that is completely unobtainable and obsess over it. Really. You are so far from getting her, you don't even know dude.

[Eddie Edirol]

YOu dont get woman who have boyfriends gifts, or women that you dont know well enough. Gifts come of as desperate, and ruins the mystery for a woman as to whether or not you like them. If a woman knows she can wrap you around her finger, attraction over. Thats how it works. Also, you NEVER work on a woman that has a bf, mostly because if she starts fooling around with you, it shows her lack of character and consideration to her bf. If she isnt into hi to start fooling around with you, she should end it first.

 

Really the only reason youre obsessing over her is because you dont have other options. You dont have other women that you like to pursue, so you keep thinking about this one. Get out there, start talking to more women so you can see more personalities, then you can start working on a few. Knowing you have options keeps you from putting all your eggs in one basket, and keeps you level headed to avoid situations like this.

 

So start talking to other women, thats what you do to forget about her.

[JuneJulySeptember]

So, here's what to do.

 

First off. Completely cut this woman out of your life. In reality, she's not in it anyway. It's only in your mind. Cut her from your phone, facebook, etc. All gone. If you find yourself thinking about her, correct yourself and remind yourself how stupid it is.

 

Next. Start hitting on women like it's nothing big. Like it's casual. Like you might hook up with them that day for some fun, and maybe that's it. Now, you need to get used to rejection. Because just judging from your post, you will get rejected a lot. Try and stay within your rough physical league when you do this.

 

Go out and do lots of activities. That should be easy for you as you are really young. Meet women and try and talk to them. Try and go to events where you'll meet nicer, more laid back women. Charm them. Always keep it casual and never over invest. If you are interested, let it be known right away. Don't let crushes get out of control.

 

Basically, you are in a stage I was when I was about your age (early 20s?). What you do for the next 5-10 years can decide a lot about your success and whether you mess up your psyche or not.

 

Remember. Volume. Never over invest. Learn to deal with rejection. Good luck.

[bafflio]

Thank you for your responses. I understand that I definitely need to move on.

 

One thing I wanted to point out is that though I have no trouble engaging men or women I don't fall for. I am a very outgoing person with friendly personality - this girl knows that too. I was elected a president of a student association group and my poster was plastered around the street and a building.

 

But I will admit here right now - I have had trouble going after women. I met many girls on campus,- including in res, classes, student clubs - but most of them don't stay in my mind for longer than a week! Maybe it's because have a morbidly high standard? Here's the problem. Usually when I catch myself having 'forgotten' about a girl, I conclude that I didn't have 'true' feelings for her after all, and because so far I have only sought after 'true' relationships, I never really pushed myself to chase anyone. But now I think I shouldn't be looking so far ahead - that I should focus on the immediate goals: to score. No, I am not dehumanizing women. I am pointing out that I shouldn't be looking for the genuine connection so much because it seems I need to break the 'barrier', intrigue and arouse them romantically. That's what I mean by scoring.

 

So I think I need to change my framework from 'sincere' relationship to 'flings'. Frankly could feel the pressure (sense of insecurity, inferiority, emptiness and so on) mounting. I thought that going to the gym, getting good marks, getting key positions in student clubs would bolster my confidence but instead they created a fissure within my self. Before I could justify my lack of touch with women because I wasn't so standing out - but now that I am, I find it all the more harder to explain and I feel as if I must get along with women.

 

I was looking for 'the one' for so long but it seems I just have ended up playing a sitting duck.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Thank you for your responses. I understand that I definitely need to move on.

 

One thing I wanted to point out is that though I have no trouble engaging men or women I don't fall for. I am a very outgoing person with friendly personality - this girl knows that too. I was elected a president of a student association group and my poster was plastered around the street and a building.

 

But I will admit here right now - I have had trouble going after women. I met many girls on campus,- including in res, classes, student clubs - but most of them don't stay in my mind for longer than a week! Maybe it's because have a morbidly high standard? Here's the problem. Usually when I catch myself having 'forgotten' about a girl, I conclude that I didn't have 'true' feelings for her after all, and because so far I have only sought after 'true' relationships, I never really pushed myself to chase anyone. But now I think I shouldn't be looking so far ahead - that I should focus on the immediate goals: to score. No, I am not dehumanizing women. I am pointing out that I shouldn't be looking for the genuine connection so much because it seems I need to break the 'barrier', intrigue and arouse them romantically. That's what I mean by scoring.

 

So I think I need to change my framework from 'sincere' relationship to 'flings'. Frankly could feel the pressure (sense of insecurity, inferiority, emptiness and so on) mounting. I thought that going to the gym, getting good marks, getting key positions in student clubs would bolster my confidence but instead they created a fissure within my self. Before I could justify my lack of touch with women because I wasn't so standing out - but now that I am, I find it all the more harder to explain and I feel as if I must get along with women.

 

I was looking for 'the one' for so long but it seems I just have ended up playing a sitting duck.

 

OK. It's good that you are social and have good social skills. Unfortunately, you have a problem attracting women. So did/do I. I have some decent things going on too. So, I know what you mean about feeling bad about not being able to attract.

 

Yes, that is what I suggest. Go for flings. Keep it light. Don't overinvest. See, it's a numbers game. And more often than not, they will not be interested.

 

Find a buyer and then decide if she's what you want. It might sound backwards, but I have found that works the best for me.

[ThaWholigan]

Whenever I see threads like this I think "...Da fuq?"

 

What in the world IS there to figure out about this girl? She's got a boyfriend! End of story!

There are those who come from the school of thought that "all is fair in love and war". Not really my bag - my thought comes from a piece of my own personal code, "I don't do triangles".

[bafflio]

Whenever I see threads like this I think "...Da fuq?"

 

What in the world IS there to figure out about this girl? She's got a boyfriend! End of story!

 

Ah, I wish it were that simple. In fact, the past ladies I was romantically interested were all spoken for and I had no trouble getting over them soon. This person, however, I find it very tough. I wish I knew why.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Ah, I wish it were that simple. In fact, the past ladies I was romantically interested were all spoken for and I had no trouble getting over them soon. This person, however, I find it very tough. I wish I knew why.

 

Yea, I kind of missed that. I wouldn't do that if I was you. It's hard enough to get the interest of a woman who is single.

[bafflio]

your best chance is to get her in a situation with alchol. i find that girls will cheat if you get them in the right fram of mind

 

Hm, you know what? No.

[SJC2008]

She's got a bf so just forget about it. TBS most people have probably like someones bf/gf at one time or another. He'll it's happening to me right now! This woman laughs at my jokes like I'm the funniest guy in the world and her laugh is awesome. She seems really genuine and sweet, but not a pushover at the same time. The total package in my book! I've really only met her twice so I could be 100% wrong but I hardly ever like woman that much that fast so I'm going to give my gut the benefit of the doubt. In the end it's just like antother slap in the face/salt in the wound in that I'm not good with women and one of the few that seems to enjoy my company is taken.

[AzureX91]

My sympathies friend. Love, emotions, can be so unforgiving sometimes.

 

My take on your story was that you kept trying to barge into a locked door. I think a better route you could have taken was to look for other doors that aren't locked. They exist, whether you know it or not! Honest!

 

And maybe one day, your once locked door might become unlocked, who knows? But it hurts to see you essentially wasting your time and efforts on this girl, who shouldn't have been accepting your gifts in the first place. That's wrong of her to do, and I'm sorry she did that to you.

 

Please, look for other doors! There are many better options than this girl. I'm sure many people here would agree with that.

 

Take care.

[Eternal Sunshine]

She sounds like an attention w-re. Trust me, she knows how much you like her and she knew all along. Guys don't just buy gifts for anyone. Hell, even guys we are dating rarely give us gifts.

 

So, you don't need to make some big confession. You will only be stating the obvious. You sound like a perfect ego booster, non intrusive and respectful.

 

I do think that whenever someone fixates on someone unavailable, it really says a lot about them. You find this idea of 'fantasy relationship" comforting. For whatever reason, you are not ready for something real so this is your escape. It sounds more romantic to think it's about soul mates and connection, but trust me, it's really not.

[bafflio]

She sounds like an attention w-re. Trust me, she knows how much you like her and she knew all along. Guys don't just buy gifts for anyone. Hell, even guys we are dating rarely give us gifts.

 

So, you don't need to make some big confession. You will only be stating the obvious. You sound like a perfect ego booster, non intrusive and respectful.

 

I do think that whenever someone fixates on someone unavailable, it really says a lot about them. You find this idea of 'fantasy relationship" comforting. For whatever reason, you are not ready for something real so this is your escape. It sounds more romantic to think it's about soul mates and connection, but trust me, it's really not.

 

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate it. But there are a couple of points I thought may help clarify the situation. They aren't excuses by the way.

 

I don't find the idea of 'fantasy relationship' comforting at all. It's more like something I know that's bad for me, but I can't help but fall for it. It's as if I were a moth heading for the fire (I don't know if they know if fire is going to burn them). If anything, the idea is disturbing. Knowing full well that I am chasing someone in a relationship, my mind has been split into two. I knew that what I was doing (chasing someone in a relationship) was wrong and stupid - but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about her.

 

First, it is morally controversial. If I want anything more with the girl then I cannot help but start wishing they'd break up. I ended up skewing the logic and settled with 'I don't need to wish anyone harm - if something goes wrong then I'll be there for her. If they are merry and happy then that's good I guess'. Then I found myself still chasing her.

 

Second, I knew my POV was extremely biased towards favoring her. I saw the red flags: like how she'd talk to her mom over the phone when the latter was supposed to pick her up but the former was evidently pissed and the tone was quite menacing (she talked right in front of me). She'd tell me about her friends and people who were 'idiots' (she uses this word quite often). I knew these were not very signs, but I found myself still falling for her more and more.

 

Most importantly - when I tried to gauge her interest in me, I couldn't find anything much. She seemed to enjoy chatting with me but I couldn't see anything more. I admit I was very nice to her last year but heading into this year I tried to be less caring. Still I ended up giving her gifts but I find it hard to believe that she saw them coming. I don't think I've ever initiated any contact with her. She'd contact me, ask how I'm doing, and I ask her nicely and succinctly in return. That's that. Then come April she wants to meet up and I obliged. But why? I guess in her mind I am registered as 'that nice guy who asks for nothing in return and can't help but be nice'. Ah, the guy friend.

 

I think I have tried hard enough. It's funny how my mind plays trick on me: 'What if I wasn't clear enough? What if she misunderstood? What if she thought I was just being friendly?' Stupid.

 

She will be returning from her trip soon and - if she doesn't talk to me then that's good. I will just let it be (I have been on 'defensive' since

Feb). But if she does talk and talk about catching up, we will meet and I will tell her that - despite what I said in our last meeting (which was that I 'liked' her and was over her') - I still like her. Once I hear her response (I am quite confident it will be a rejection) then I can move on.

 

Frankly I thought our last encounter was going to be the last - I thought that giving her the gift was a farewell and that she'd know that, having such feelings as I did, our friendship wouldn't work. It's frustrating hah. Sometimes I wonder if she's that dumb or inconsiderate.