kjm07 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 This is my first post so please excuse me if I ramble. My husband and I first separated 2 years ago. We lived in a small town and remained in touch (it didn't really seem like we were separated at all - we just lived in different places). Having known each other for 20 years now, we know all there is to know about each other - including some extremely personal challenges very few others know about. We became a couple 10 years ago and were married 6.5 years ago. We were both happier than we have ever been in our lives. I have always been an independent - annoyingly independent person. I can be stubborn and have always had the attitude that I can take care of myself. My husband helped me to break this down. His favourite saying was that we would get through everything together. And for the most part we did. All the major issues in our lives - renovating our home, financial challenges, our struggles with not being able to have children - anything major, we nailed it. But somehow we let the little things get the better of us. We niggled at each other, we argued, our communication suffered as we tried to avoid confrontation. The cracks started to show. Even during this time, we were a team. We supported each other but we started to focus more on our individual work and less on our relationship. Eventually I couldn't take anymore. Deep down the issue of not having children got the better of me and I wanted to try harder than my husband. I resented him. I left. A few months down the track he came to me and we tried again. I wasn't really convinced but didn't want to hurt him and couldn't say that I needed more time. I allowed myself to be distracted by any number of things - work, hobbies, increased frequency of lone trips to my hometown - all things outside of my marriage. Hindsight is a great thing. Looking back I can see all the efforts my husband made to make me feel loved within the relationship. But all I could see was the fact that we weren't having children. I later found out it was not going to happen - at all - ever - for me. I dealt with it and he was by my side the whole way an amazing tower of support. We didn't want to hurt each other so we didn't talk about the things in the background that had challenged us. Evenutally, we realised that things were not going well and we eventually decided that it was time to go back to the start. He moved out and we started "dating". We made a list of things that were important to each of us to be able to make the relationship work. We both agreed that we could do all of the things on the list - EXCEPT one for him. He couldn't get over the past. I understand that completely because there was a time I had felt the same. We loved each other. We respected and trusted each other. But he felt the only decision moving forward was for us to end our marriage before we ended up hating each other. As my family lived in the capital city 3 hours from our home, I decided to return to the place where my support network existed. Our jobs overlapped and everyone in town knew us. If things had to be this way I knew it was the only decision to make. My friends and my family are here so now 2 months on I find myself a crazy mix of emotions. We have seen each other twice since my move and both agreed that it was very difficult - albeit wonderful to see each other. Now we are trying to figure out where to from here. I don't know how to be friends with the man I have realised that I want by my side for the rest of my life. And yet I don't know how to face the alternative of not having him in my life at all. I have felt that he has distanced himself from me and any contact has been initiated by me. I have been telling myself that I need to give him the space that I once needed and that I need to accept the fact that this is the way it is going to be. The problem - not only do I not want to accept this - I don't even know where to start. I have done all the things in the books - I have been keeping busy, I am maintaining an active social life with friends, I have joined a gym and I am taking care of myself physically. But I am hollow inside. The second time we saw each other I asked if he was happy with the decision for us not to be together. He told me he was never happy with the decision but he knew that us not being together was the right thing to do. Friends, family, counsellors, have all told me that everything I am feeling is normal. And yet I can't seem to find a way through it. I am generally a happy and positive person. I try not to let people see the hurt that I am feeling as I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want to be that annoying "soon to be divorced woman" who only talks about her divorce. I know that I am not the first person to feel this way and I am not the first person to be going through an unwanted divorce. But I would truly welcome advice from anyone that has felt this way on how they got through it. The problem with the few people I have spoken to is - none of them have been through this. And us breaking up has been a surprise to everyone! People knew we had challenges but, like me, they always thought we would get through it. Even when I left, I didn't want a divorce and I really did think we would get through it in the end. How do I get past these feelings? How do I transport myself into a place where I can genuinely want to be able to move on? I don't want to try and force my husband to be with me if that is not what he wants. But now that I am out of sight, I am afraid I am also out of mind and after having this man in my life for half of my life, it is a very strange place without him. Sorry to have raved on. I didn't even know I had all of that stuff in me! I guess the simple question is - what strategies have people used to help them move on with dignity in tact? and, is it possible to still maintain some level of relationship with the person you actually want to be married to? Thank you in advance.
NYWoman Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 In some ways your story is similar to that of mine and my first husband. The end of which he said I will love you forever, but we can never be together The only advice that I can give is to avoid alcohol, drugs and sex. I wish I had some better advice. I didn't handle it well. As you I tried the remedies of work, hobbies, social life, but failed, and used the above as a crutch, which only made matters worse. It got down to living life one day at a time. What I did learn was that a little independence is good, but the truth was I needed that special someone, which I used in my next relationship
Recommended Posts