humph.. Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Well, basically, i have a boyfriend who can be considered the jealous type. He has had his fair share of insecure/jealousy fits over really stupid things. i dont like to rock the boat with issues that may raise jealousy in him, but i dont hide things from him either. his jealous side has only emerged over the last couple of months and has been really hard to deal with at times... I have over the coure of my relationship with my current bf, kept in very sparse contact with my ex (the last guy i dated before my current bf). the contact was limited to like, an email every month or so, just to see how eachother was going. my current bf knew about it and didnt have a real problem with it, its purely platonic, i harbour no emotions for my ex at all. I havent had contact with him for a couple of months and Recently through a friend i was told he was wondering how i was going and would like to hear from me (since i was the one who basically didnt reply to his last email.) i have no problems emailing him, and seeing how he is going..but im worried my bf will get upset about it. example: He was looking for a phone number in my cell phone the other week and asked me who a certain number in my phone was (it wasnt a dialled number, just a phone number in my phone book in the phone). i told him it was a friend of my exs, he started saying well why did you keep the number, whats the point? i just havent deleted old numbers from my phone, basically i didnt even think twice about it, it means that little to me that i havent even remembered to delete old numbers. he carried on making snippy remarks and loaded comments about it for a little while and then got over it. we have had fights about the way i talk about my ex, and i how i seem to describe things about him favourably compared to my current boyfriend (which is B.S.). I have never glorified my ex in any way, shape or form to my current bf. if anything, my ex would be very hurt at the comparisions ive made about them! But basically my ex is a good person, i just like to know he is doing well and he likes to know im doing well. i dont think theres anything wrong with me emailing him (and id tell me bf if i do). would my bf have any justified reason to be upset at this?!!?
Papillon Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 You know, it's nice to know your partner is possessive and protective over you. That can be endearing. But when it turns into constant issues of distrust, that's when I extend my middle finger, and move on. There's nothing worse than having to constantly to self-censor your thoughts and actions through fear of what your jealous SO is gonna think.
Author humph.. Posted October 6, 2004 Author Posted October 6, 2004 You're so right..a person shouldn't have to fear their SO.
Papillon Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 So what are you gonna do? I think you should put your foot down and demand some goddamn respect and just a teency little bit of trust
billybadass36 Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 This doesn't sound to me like a jealousy "problem". This sounds like a guy who's upset by being (in his mind anyway) bombarded with rememberances of the guy you were romantically involved with immediately before becoming involved with him. I read a pretty good article on this issue. The link is here: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Love36.html Anyway, that's all. All I have to say is that if I was getting monthly phone calls or monthly emails from my ex, my girlfriend would be JUSTIFIABLY pissed. Pretty much, I care enough about my girlfriend NOT to make her feel threatened in any way by my former flames, and she's respectful enough of me to do the same. Now, maybe we're not the most highly evolved people in the world. We acknowledge that we both have pasts, but we care enough about each others' feelings not to flaunt those things in front of each other. (a) there's no reason to keep your ex's phone number unless you plan on talking to him routinely (b) there's no reason to "keep in touch" with your ex unless he's just an insurance policy in the event that this current relationship falters © if you're more interested in keeping in touch with your ex than keeping your current bf happy, then why aren't you with your ex instead of the current guy? Now, if your bf was jealous whenever ANY guy talked to you, then yes, that's ridiculously illogical JEALOUSY and insecurity that is unacceptable. However, being jealous over your maintaining contact with a guy you were romantically involved in not too long before this new guy hit the scene is reasonable and not in any way out of line. In fact, I'd be more concerned if your bf WASN'T jealous about it.
tanbark813 Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Would it bother you at all if he were keeping in touch with his ex?
Adunaphel Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 What about telling him about the conversation with your friend, letting him know that you'd like to write an email to your ex bf if he doesn't mind, suggesting that he reads the email before you press the 'send' button, and giving him your password so he can check anything the ex might reply?
savethedrama4allama Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 I wish that billybadass would have had a good talking to my boyfriend when we first got together
teck21 Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 I suppose Billy and I think alike, I agree with his points. Quite simply, I don't see any reason (short of really extenuating ones) why one must keep in contact with one's exes. Especially if it's an ex who did the discarding, although this might just be churlishness on my part. If someone's okay with their other keeping in contact with the ex, fair enough. If not, I don't think it unreasonable at all to expect (hope rather) that one's other to not keep in regular contact with any ex. On the proviso of course that double standards are not being practised. Or at the very least bury all tangible 'memories' (real memories as a rule of course cannot be suppressed and it would be foolish to expect anyone to do so) of the ex, such as phone numbers. We give up many aspects of ourselves for the sake of the one we love, we negotiate what these things are, often without even having to talk about them. I would like to hear what it is about the issue of contact with exes that is so non-negotiable. Alot of us would put our lives on the line without hesitation for the one we love if it came to that, but to give up contact with exes cannot be done? The logic escapes me. Perhaps the potential damage is only a matter of degrees, but I don't feel it. I wish I could, but I can't.
Author humph.. Posted October 7, 2004 Author Posted October 7, 2004 Ok i am totally in agreeance with the majority- keeping in touch with an ex serves no real purpose. But one of my best friends will be comign from interstate and staying at his place and i just want to keep the peace so theres no weirdness when the time comes and i have to go there to pick up my friend to hang out.
Papillon Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 No offense, but saying that keeping in touch with an ex is useless, is utter grade-A horsepoop. If someone was good enough to be loved and appreciated and to be friends with once, they can be so, regardless of time and circumstance. Maybe that's why relationships fail in the first place, because people don't fixate on the most important part of the relationship, which is FRIENDSHIP. I ALWAYS remain friends with my exes. We both understand that we broke up because we don't suit each other. Not because we hate each other.
billybadass36 Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Papillon, not everyone is as enlightened as you with regard to dealing with issues of past romantic interests of their significant others. I think that your feelings on the subject (while very much desireable) are the exception, not the norm. Maybe you maintain contact with your exes to maintain the lines of communication so that you have "options" if your current situation doesn't pan out? I don't know you or your situation, but I sure as hell know mine. Whenever I kept my ex-girlfriends in the picture it was for one reason - weekly drunken pirate sex or to keep alive the possibility of the same sometime in the future....but I digress... Almost anybody is going to have feelings of insecurity when an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend is still in the picture. Regardless of whether they're "just friends", this person was sexually intimate with your current significant other. Regardless of whether there's any sexual undertones lurking just beneath the surface or not (but there ALWAYS is, lets not fool ourselves into thinking we never think about what it was like having sex with our exes), there's the inescapable fact that this person was very intimate with the person that you're now dating. That's troublesome to most people. I'm not going to get into the issue of whether these feelings of insecurity are right or wrong. They just are. It's inescapable for most people. Her boyfriend's not going to stop feeling insecure about someone she used to sleep with (assumedly) remaining in routine contact with her. So, the question is: What's more important to her? Keeping her ex around to facilitate her "hanging out with" some other friend or trying to alleviate some of the insecurities her current boyfriend feels by getting her ex out of the picture? It's not that hard a choice, and her boyfriend's not being unreasonable...in fact, he hasn't actually done anything except to say it makes him feel uncomfortable, which I think is a very moderate position for him to take...all things considered.
Author humph.. Posted October 7, 2004 Author Posted October 7, 2004 hmm..i've remained on good terms with exs in the past, not exactly best friends, but maintained contact. I have NEVER EVER gone back to an ex or wanted to. Im pretty much of the once its done its DONE mentality.
savethedrama4allama Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon No offense, but saying that keeping in touch with an ex is useless, is utter grade-A horsepoop. If someone was good enough to be loved and appreciated and to be friends with once, they can be so, regardless of time and circumstance. Maybe that's why relationships fail in the first place, because people don't fixate on the most important part of the relationship, which is FRIENDSHIP. I ALWAYS remain friends with my exes. We both understand that we broke up because we don't suit each other. Not because we hate each other. I think it really depends on the people involved. And keeping in touch casually (say once a month) is one thing, but calling twice a day is another. Each situation is unique. Both parties need to have zero romantic feelings for one another to be friends, and some exes just don't give them up. I guess I just don't see the need. I wish my exes well, but don't want to complicate their lives. If we run into each other, we are polite, but thats it. Really, you have three choices here. 1. Don't contact your ex due to your boyfriend's wishes 2. Contact your ex despite your boyfriend's wishes 3. Contact your ex, letting your boyfriend see the emails or whatever so he knows there is nothing to hide People are going to argue with every option.
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