Lc1984 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hi everyone, A few weeks ago I posted about how I was petrified of meeting up with my ex, then did it and was all strong and 'I'm fine'. However, I spent the day with him last weekend and we had what felt like a proper date. This is something we didn't do when we were together because we'd been friends first so just settled in to movie nights at mine! Now before you say I told you so (TaraMaiden:p) I'm a little bit confused.... The way he was looking at me and the way he was being was that of someone who genuinely cares for me. I promise I wasn't wearing rose tinted glasses. I was also completely different because Ive started to believe in my own self worth so I wasn't trying to impress him, I was just being me. He did say he wasn't seeing anyone else and we did kiss. We also agreed that whatever happened in our relationship the first time round and whatever has happened since, it's in the past. He also said a lot of really nice things, as did I. Anyway, after a pretty perfect day together he text me the day after to tell me he had a really good time. I replied and then over the next couple of days he was still texting. The texts were mostly initiated by him. Because I'm not sure what I want, I almost needed to see if I backed off a bit what would happen. This is mainly because our problems the first time round were that I felt he didn't have time for me and his friends were always a priority in that he'd make plans with em and fit seeing me in around that. He's not an arsehole just maybe a bit immature in that way. So now, I haven't heard from him since Thursday night. I'm not going to cave and text him. I think he needs to do most of the running this time if he wants to. He did ask to see me again when I saw him last weekend but hasn't mentioned a day or anything. I'm starting to feel a bit **** about myself and that I was a mug for thinking we were going to reconcile. Am I being impatient bearing in mind it's only been two days since I heard? It's also important to say my last few texts to him we're quite short because I figure if he wants to talk to me he can either call me or ask to see me, I don't need a penpal! Any thoughts would be appreciated as to what I should do next. I'm thinking just forget it and see what happens but I'm not so good at that usually!
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 How long were you together for? How long since you saw each other? Who broke up with who? Did he initiate the contact after a period of not talking? ............................... If he left you and he has gotten into contact with you again, and he is not seeing other people then it sounded like you had a spark that he may want to explore again. Just be very careful. He should make it very clear if he wants you back. He shouldn't wait days to talk to you again if he is really into you and he wants to start dating you again...
TaraMaiden Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Remain in NC. If he truly sees the worth of reviving this, and making the effort to re-connect - it's fair to let him make that decision. It's not on you to run after him. Let him be. Actions. As ever, it's Actions. Words are fine and flowery; Actions are the honest gauge. 3
Author Lc1984 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Hi We were together 4 months but best friends for about a year before that, we hadn't seen each other for about 5 months en met up for a drink three weeks ago and then last weekend. He broke up with me because I have real trust issues and relationship addictions which I've been working on since the split and I've come a long way. I did this for me not him though. I initially instigated contact and although he would randomly it was mainly me until last weekend then since then it's been him more than me. I think you're right that there may be something to explore again. I think I always thought if it ever got to this point with him that I'd be ecstatic but I'm not sure if it's even what I want now! You're also right that he shouldn't wait days to be in contact, even if it's just a hi text. I'm really aware now though that I sometimes have unrealistic expectations. I'm trying to remember that maybe he needs some time to work stuff out after last week or that he's just busy. Or because my text were a bit short he thinks I'm not interested. Or he's just a douche
Author Lc1984 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Actions. As ever, it's Actions. Words are fine and flowery; Actions are the honest gauge. You are right, I think that may be my mantra for the day!
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 If he is truly interested in pursing you and it is not just because he is bored and lacks better options: - he will initiated dates - he will text or call regularly and not leave it more than 2 or 3 days - it will naturally lead to a reconciliation with him taking the clear lead. Tara Maiden says No Contact. This could be right - maybe you should ignore him unless he begs for another chance with you. She knows more than I do. After four month though and 5 months since the relationship, I am not sure there are strong enough feelings from him to warrant him begging for you back on your doorstep like the No Contact guide dictates.... It is a hard one! I am not sure whether you should ignore him and block his number and wait until he bothers to come to your door step OR go No Contact and IGNORE him, even if he asks to see you repeatedly. I am torn between letting him initiate everything and forgetting him FAST if he does not show clear interest in dating you OR flat out going No Contact and blocking his number.
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Actually, since you were best friends before the relationship..... That is enough time to know if you have the potential to fall very deeply in love with a women. He should know you well enough to clearly feel whether he is interested or not. He has been around, he knows if what he felt for you is well worth pursuing above and beyond what else is on offer out there. I recommend No Contact and only bother with him if he shows up at your door step, lol! 1
Author Lc1984 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 It really is a hard one! I think seeing him again has made me realise I'm stronger than I thought though. I think maybe the way forwards is a bit of no contact in that I won't contact him and if he does contact me I'll decide then whether to reply or not. The break up itself floored me and I'm not prepared to go back to what I was and feeling what I did. I'm also not going to make a big deal of it or be mad at him if he does contact me. I suppose the adult in me also needs to remember that I haven't contacted him either!
TaraMaiden Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 It's hard to use logic where the heart is involved... But you need to try to be dispassionate about this. Who, emotionally, is benefitting most from your encounters, so far? Who is coming away from your "dates" with a more satisfied feeling? He's obviously enjoying your get-togethers. he's told you. But if he's building up to a proposal to try again - let him build up to it. In the meantime, stay cool, do not initiate contact, and allow things to unfold. And if part of you feels puzzled and/or disappointed, then there's a clear indication there that something is yanking your chain again. However subtly, however slightly, you're allowing your heart to be manipulated. 1
Author Lc1984 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 In the meantime, stay cool, do not initiate contact, and allow things to unfold. And if part of you feels puzzled and/or disappointed, then there's a clear indication there that something is yanking your chain again I'm never great at just letting things unfold but you're right, I need to. I am making a onscioys decision to never force or manipulate anything in a relationship again. It only hurts me. Maybe this is a test from something bigger than me to show me how far I've come.
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 It is really hard to let go of someone who you have feelings and hope for. I know this first hand. What I am learning is: after a few months of talking to you on a regular basis, every week, a guy will know if he is really into you. If there is something there that this man wants to explore; he will make it known, loud and clear. I think after a break up, you need time, space, and you both need to chance to move on and have relationships with other people. If you do not find the loves of your lives and you're both single in the future, he will reach out if what you had stood out from the other girls he was with in the meanwhile. I have recently had a guy tell me that he wants another chance and wants to work on getting back together with me. Even that is not clear enough to me, because they have not gone out, experienced other people, and made up their mind that yes, Leigh 87 and I had something really special and I feel compelled to reach out to her to see if she is single. You do not want them to come back into your lives simply because they miss you a lot and love to be around you. Wouldn't you feel better to know that the guy felt compelled enough to come knocking at your door or finding a way to contact you, after years and time with other people had made him realise he had something special with you? The beauty of this is: you will have moved on in the meanwhile, and will not be waiting for him to have this epiphany.
Author Lc1984 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 After listening to you all and taking it all on board I've been an absolute moron and text him. That was 30 minutes ago.... I stupidly listened to a guy friend (probably because he told me what I wanted to hear), who said because my last few responses to his texts were short and to the point, that he probably thought I wasn't interested. I'm so disappointed with myself and feel like if he texts me now it will only be because I messages him. I feel like such a loser
totallylost5040 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hi there! I'm going through the same thing, I just posted as well about my situation. Maybe we should compare stories - friends, then lovers, then damnit... friends again situations :-P, I haven't gotten as far as you have though Although it IS a game, you should do what you feel in your heart is right, if he texts back, then you are good. But I agree, both parties, whether it be the dumper or dumpee, NEED space away from one another... in order for them to grow or sometimes, not grow as a person. That doesn't necessarily mean no contact at all since you two were friends, but for me, I wouldn't contact unless I was absolutely sure that I wouldn't get hurt. Because in this situation, you NEED to be selfish and think about how you feel first. No exceptions. Because you two aren't dating anymore he won't be there to comfort you while you are feeling like this (one of the reasons why you are on this board) this goes for guy AND girls, both needs space no matter what side they are on.
TaraMaiden Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 After listening to you all and taking it all on board I've been an absolute moron and text him. That was 30 minutes ago.... I stupidly listened to a guy friend (probably because he told me what I wanted to hear), who said because my last few responses to his texts were short and to the point, that he probably thought I wasn't interested. I'm so disappointed with myself and feel like if he texts me now it will only be because I messages him. I feel like such a loser I'm sorry, but this has to be one of my pet peeves... It wastes my time. This is why I'm reluctant to sound like a struck record, and to continue recommending NC. because basically, I'm just yelling in a downwind. I'm dropping out of the thread. 2
Author Lc1984 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I absolutely get that and I'd be the same. I don't know how to turn my stupid brain off, or how to not give in to the crazy obsessed side of me that just says 'text, text, text'. I have a huge amount of respect for people that go NC, I've done it myself before with this guy but right now I feel completely powerless. It's ****ing desperate and I don't really know how to deal with it.
moneyneversleeps Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I dont get it. The advice is alway NC. But the other person will just think you are not interested. Imagine if he is doing NC and you are doing NC. you guys will never talk.. makes no sense to me.. Am i missing something?
Recommended Posts