bellasue Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I went to a party with a lot of mutual friends this evening. At the end of the evening, everyone asked me why xMM wasn't there. Because he already asked me not to tell everyone about the affair, I floundered. This is someone who has been in our circle of friends for YEARS. Why am I left to explain his absence? I would rather just admit the truth to our friends and take the fall.
findingnemo Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Why should you know why he's not there? I'm a bit confused over why anyone would ask you about him specifically.
ScarlettKaren Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 That whole situation has to hurt. My MM and I ran/run in the same circles. In fact, shortly after d-day a business reference I had given him called and asked for his email as he hadn't heard back. So completely painful at the moment. Sigh. I'm not sure how I'm sure I would have handled it all in your situation, probably just a general denial of his whereabouts and a change of the subject. Then some crying in the car later. How are you?
Praying4Peace Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Were they asking about him specifically because they knew you two were friends or about xMM and his W? I guess they assume all three of you are friends. Tell me why you would just rather tell your friends? (take his wishes out of the equation for a minute) Was your H there too? He wouldn't want you to tell, would he? It stinks when they are brought up so casually by others, its like this huge farce you are playing along with. Emotionally exhausting.
Author bellasue Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 xMM and I regularly hung out with this group of people. We are neighbors, so we would frequently ride to and from events together. Sort of a "team." For him to just vanish would be confusing for everyone. Since no one has seen or heard from him since d-day, they are asking why he is not attending events. He told me on dday that his wife wouldn't tell anyone about our affair if I kept away from him. At the time it seemed like a good deal, but I didn't plan on having to make up crap to cover his butt and/or reputation. I am ok today. I knew the questions would come eventually. I just told everyone he is getting ready to move out of state. (which may or may not be true--they were scheduled to move in five years, he said if he ever got caught in the affair, she'd "drag his butt out of here next week.) So technically I didn't lie.
Praying4Peace Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Maybe they've asked him and/or his W about you too. He should be made to feel uncomfortable as well. Glad you are feeling better today. It *does* feel like a continuing favor, to cover for him. But you are protecting yourself too, think about it that way.
Author bellasue Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 They can't ask him about me......his wife won't let him hang out with any of our mutual friends anymore. The activities we did together were things that he LOVED to do (not just because they were with me). I even offered to let him be with the mutual friends to be able to partake in this activity he loved.....because I know how much it means to him. I told him and his wife that I could be absent whenever he wanted me to be....... His wife's response was that she couldn't trust ME not to "squeeze myself back into their family." I know she's angry and hurt......but to me that sounds like he made it sound like the affair was largely one sided. Anyhow, maybe they will move soon and I won't have to think about these things as much anymore. As always, thanks everyone for your input.
tinker683 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I know how you feel. My ex was a part of my old social circles and her fiancé worked with some if the people that were a part of that social circle. After we broke up, I vanished from that scene almost entirely. I haven't physically met any of them in about 8 months now and only 2 or 3 of them have sent me any kind of text message but otherwise none of them contact me at all. It actually stung a little bit and I had mixed feelings about it for a long time. On one hand I felt like I was protecting her, not having the group turn on her. The fact that she started dating one of the other guys after she left her fiancé from the circle lead me to believe that all was well on her side. On the other hand, I felt like my life had been stolen from me and ow I was in exile or something. The fact that none of those guys have done much to contact me made it easier for me to just let go of all of it. I miss hanging with them and being with them every now and then but I'm comfortable and happy where I am now. Plus I learned that some of the members of the circle, the ones who were friends with her fiancé, unfriended me from Facebook. I know these people and I feel the only reason they did that is because they know what happened. But, that's all conjecture on my part. NC pretty much prevents me from learning the truth and the truth is I don't care one way or the other and I don't want to know. They don't talk to me and I don't talk to them and I see little reason to break that. I'm in my corner of the universe and she's in hers and I feel little reason to change that. I hope she's happy but I want her to stay out of my life. I've JUST found balance and I want to hang on to that as long as I can. That being said, I've always wondered what would happen if one of the members of the circle DID try to talk to me and really get me to open up about why I've been gone and the conclusion I came too is that I'd be honest with them. This could risk damage to my ex but my attitude is that the relationship is over, she ended her relationship with her fiancé, so I have no reason to lie or remain in exile any further. I would tell them the truth and if they chose to judge me harshly, I wouldn't blame them for it at all but at th same time....they're not talking to me anyway so I wouldn't be losing anything But that's my situation. I think for yours you would have to consider how it would affect YOU and the circle and the possible repercussions it could have for you and weigh that against how much you value being honest with your friends. My 2 cents. 1
Author bellasue Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 No......when he initiated NC/dday, he told me not to tell anyone, including my husband. I think the reasons were twofold: One, he didn't want to confront my spouse and that certainly would have happened. Two, he adores my children and wouldn't have wanted them hurt in any way. NONE of the people in our social circle knows about the affair. The only one who knows at this time is his wife. That was all his request. At this point, even my husband and children think it's weird that he has just vanished. We all knew each other and it is just strange that he's not around at all. My kids ask if they can go swim in his pool, etc. I know I can't put everyone off forever. Before anyone jumps on me for not telling my spouse.....I have considered it many, many times. It will probably be spit out suddenly at some point. I haven't yet because I am certainly scared to do it, but also because xMM asked me not to. It's a mess. A complete and utter mess. And while he has to deal with his BS, I think he has the better end of the deal because he doesn't have to face anyone BUT his BS.
Author bellasue Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Yes it is. I think they are using a form of emotional blackmail......they won't "out" me if I just leave xMM alone. I think the BS is very worried he would actually leave her for me, since she knew the amount of time we spent together as friends and everything that we had in common that she does not. That being said, they have been married forever.....he's not leaving for anything and I realize that. It is possible they could blow the lid off of everything, but it doesn't appear that they have any intention to at this point. This is why I go back and forth.....I want to tell my spouse and all our friends and just let the chips fall where they may, but I am afraid of losing my children and being judged by my friends.
JustJoe Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 No......when he initiated NC/dday, he told me not to tell anyone, including my husband. I think the reasons were twofold: One, he didn't want to confront my spouse and that certainly would have happened. Two, he adores my children and wouldn't have wanted them hurt in any way. NONE of the people in our social circle knows about the affair. The only one who knows at this time is his wife. That was all his request. At this point, even my husband and children think it's weird that he has just vanished. We all knew each other and it is just strange that he's not around at all. My kids ask if they can go swim in his pool, etc. I know I can't put everyone off forever. Before anyone jumps on me for not telling my spouse.....I have considered it many, many times. It will probably be spit out suddenly at some point. I haven't yet because I am certainly scared to do it, but also because xMM asked me not to. It's a mess. A complete and utter mess. And while he has to deal with his BS, I think he has the better end of the deal because he doesn't have to face anyone BUT his BS.So your word to the OM is more important than the honesty you owe your husband? I really feel for him. the only person who is still getting shafted is your husband and both you and the OM (and also the OM's BW) are still doing it. Good Idea!! 2
MissBee Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I went to a party with a lot of mutual friends this evening. At the end of the evening, everyone asked me why xMM wasn't there. Because he already asked me not to tell everyone about the affair, I floundered. This is someone who has been in our circle of friends for YEARS. Why am I left to explain his absence? I would rather just admit the truth to our friends and take the fall. You can do that, or say, you don't know. Why do they expect you to know where he is? 1
JustJoe Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Yes it is. I think they are using a form of emotional blackmail......they won't "out" me if I just leave xMM alone. I think the BS is very worried he would actually leave her for me, since she knew the amount of time we spent together as friends and everything that we had in common that she does not. That being said, they have been married forever.....he's not leaving for anything and I realize that. It is possible they could blow the lid off of everything, but it doesn't appear that they have any intention to at this point. This is why I go back and forth.....I want to tell my spouse and all our friends and just let the chips fall where they may, but I am afraid of losing my children and being judged by my friends.Ever think about what you've done to your husband and family?
Author bellasue Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Of course I have thought about what I have done to my family. I sometimes consider jumping off a bridge somewhere. But I believe that my children love me. I have been a good mother in spite of everything else. Or at least I think I have. Maybe not. Most of us make mistakes in our lives. I want to move on.
JustJoe Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Of course I have thought about what I have done to my family. I sometimes consider jumping off a bridge somewhere. But I believe that my children love me. I have been a good mother in spite of everything else. Or at least I think I have. Maybe not. Most of us make mistakes in our lives. I want to move on. Off a bridge? Give me a break, forget about the drama and try to show a little honesty and maturity, instead of selfishness. If you were such a good Mom, you would have thought about your kids welfare before cheating, wouldn't you? What will happen to them and their family if you are found out? Ever think of that? Cheating isn't a mistake it is a will-full choice to deceive and disrespect your spouse and also your children. they might not think so highly of you if they knew. 2
sweet_pea Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I'm with MissBee, why don't you don't just tell people you don't know?
Author bellasue Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I'm with MissBee, why don't you don't just tell people you don't know? This is what I did. As I said, since we spent a lot of time together even prior to the affair, our friends just sort of lumped us together as a team. So I guess they assume I would know why he isn't around anymore. The only friend who knows about the affair said I should tell them to ask him themselves if they want to know.
underwater2010 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Please do so. Or tell them to ask him. I bet he can come up with a great excuse.
underwater2010 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 xMM and I regularly hung out with this group of people. We are neighbors, so we would frequently ride to and from events together. Sort of a "team." For him to just vanish would be confusing for everyone. Since no one has seen or heard from him since d-day, they are asking why he is not attending events. He told me on dday that his wife wouldn't tell anyone about our affair if I kept away from him. At the time it seemed like a good deal, but I didn't plan on having to make up crap to cover his butt and/or reputation. I am ok today. I knew the questions would come eventually. I just told everyone he is getting ready to move out of state. (which may or may not be true--they were scheduled to move in five years, he said if he ever got caught in the affair, she'd "drag his butt out of here next week.) So technically I didn't lie. Don't play like you are just covering his butt/reputation. You are covering yours too. 3
underwater2010 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Nice technicality too. Another part of the cover up the affair. If I just omit the details, no one will ever figure it out. Just give the honest answer. 3
Praying4Peace Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Bellasue, if you aren't telling your H then don't tell anyone else. It will get around...6 degrees of separation.
Author bellasue Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 You are all correct. I am covering my butt too. Mostly because he asked me not to tell ANYONE. I'm pretty sure eventually everything will be revealed to everyone involved. All hell will break loose. So don't think that I'm naive and have my head stuck in the sand. I'm not sure how to proceed and since xMM has completely vanished I am left to deal with everyone myself. Thanks to everyone for your input!
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Bellasue, as a FOW and a bs I have to tell you that you are playing with fire. You need to come clean. It is not a life you want to live nor a secret you want hanging over your head. Of course my situation is laid bare, but I watch my husband who is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because he won't write a no contact letter to his xow -( he doesn't want anything in writing), he wonders every day "is this the day it all explodes". She has shown up at his office, called him, etc. Her husband does not know. I am certain there are a few people that do know. I won't tell because it isn't mine to tell and I know what it's like to be publicly humiliated. But to live like that - with that secret? Nope - it's better its out there - believe me. Please consider it. It will set you free. 2
Author bellasue Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I think about it each and every day. I am not afraid of coming clean to my husband and/or all of my friends. I know without a doubt my husband would be devastated but I believe he would forgive and we could work through it. Friends? well I would hope they wouldn't judge too harshly, but you never know. My main concern is my kids. There is no way I would want to lose them. They are my world. I know I have been criticized about my fitness as a parent by merely having an affair. However, my children are well adjusted and really fine citizens of the world. Of course I am concerned about how they would view me. I'm actually surprised that xMM BS didn't immediately tell my H. She was the one who emailed me and asked not to tell anyone. She said they both love my kids and wouldn't want to hurt them in any way. Messed up all the way around, I know. I'm not sure how they thought I could just carry on as normal. Makes no sense.
troubadour Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) I think about it each and every day. I am not afraid of coming clean to my husband and/or all of my friends. I know without a doubt my husband would be devastated but I believe he would forgive and we could work through it. Friends? well I would hope they wouldn't judge too harshly, but you never know. Your husband must be the most gullible person in Pacific Islands if he still doesn't suspect anything yet. No man with a healthy dose of self-respect would allow his wife to run around with another dude for years.... but he finally got what he was asking for. And your OM is an idiot too.... considering that seducing you wasn't much of a challenge he could have started banging you years ago. As an artist I have seen tons of infidelity at the close range so I can tell you, more less, what will happen when your friends find out that about your affair. I can bet they are already speculating about what really happened between two of you. Most of them will try to avoid discussing your affair with you. Of course, they will passionately talk about it behind your back.... infidelity is always such a hot subject so you have to be prepared that it will go for quite awhile. Your female friends won't say anything to your face but they will be keeping a close eye on you when you are around their husbands/boyfriends. With your new "bedroom reputation".... you cannot really blame them for doing it. Your male friends.... there will be a few who will try to find out if you really live up to your new reputation. Your children - when they learn that you played "hide the sausage" with their beloved uncle.... they will never look at you the same way. They won't stop loving you, you will still be their mammy, but they will remember it as long as they live and this will be one of the main factors that will define you as a mother and woman in their eyes forever. Edited June 4, 2013 by troubadour
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