Wifeofaninja Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 First, I want to say that I still love my husband and couldn't see myself with anyone else. Our whole relationship has been crazy and extremely hurtful for both of us. First of all, we met online and, after deciding we liked each other after being friends first, decided to meet in person at my church and we hit it off immediately. Fast forward about 4 months of just talking and a month after we met in person, we moved in together. It was rushed, but we thought it was what we wanted/needed to do. Both of our families were upset for their various reasons with us and caused loads of drama but we endured. About 5 months after we moved in together, we both lost our jobs and were forced to move away from each other. Only a week after this, he cheated on me with someone we had been hanging out with at church functions/running with on a weekly basis. This started our downward spiral in our relationship. Only a month later, I discovered that I was pregnant with his child. We were still together and I was obviously trying to get over the fresh wounds of him cheating on me. Again, fast forward to our daughter's birth and I am still not over him cheating on me. I don't know if I never had the time to heal during the 8 months (she was early) of my hectic pregnancy (I moved several times while pregnant) or if it was just not enough time to deal with all the emotions I was going through. She was born, we began to at least act happier together. Baby bliss does that, I guess. For about 2 months, we were happy. We got married, moved in together with another couple who had a baby our daughter's age and started going through the motions of being a married couple. I began trusting him again We had an agreement that both of us could go onto the other's Facebook profiles at anytime we wanted. I was going to go on there to "hack" his page and leave a cute message when I saw that his messages were opened and saw a sneak peak of a questionable message to an ex girlfriend of his. He had been telling her that if I did not get "hotter" and "act more intelligent" he would be leaving me for her in five years. I was floored. Hurt. I felt totally betrayed. Marriage is supposed to be "til death do us part", "for better or for worse", right? I confronted him and he assured me it was just talk and pointed out that the messages were a few months old and he was just having cold feet. I didn't trust it. Maybe it was the past infidelity or maybe it was a gut feeling. I just couldn't trust it. Maybe a week later, he was texting someone and made sure I could not see his phone, went straight to the bathroom to take a shower and immediately locked the door, which he never does. I knocked, he opened and I caught a glimpse at his phone of him talking to the same ex from before. They were sexting. He tried to use the excuse her boyfriend broke up with her and it was the only way to cheer her up, but I wasn't and still do not buy that story. Even though he sticks to it to this day. This incident led to fight after fight. I just wanted to trust him again but he couldn't understand how sexting was cheating. We fought for a little over a year until I crashed my car, accidentally, into my mother in law's truck. Of course, we happened to be living with her and of course that led to my daughter and I being kicked out with random accusations of her not being his child. (I have NEVER cheated on him). Push came to shove and his brother paid for a DNA test, hoping she would turn out to be someone else's child. She had a 99.9% positive result towards being my husband's child. I was living at my parent's house for two years. Only three days before New Year's (this year), my husband called me and told me he cheated again. We were FINALLY getting somewhere in our marriage and I was FINALLY trusting him 100% and then he cheated again. With an ex. A different ex than last time. We moved back in with him because we are now making the money to be able to move into our own place again and I told him that if he wants me to trust him, he has to live with me again or I will be wondering who he is with and what he is doing every time he doesn't answer my attempts to get a hold of him. He agreed this would be best so we moved in with our daughter again and were happy for he first week but now he has realized just how much I don't trust him still. The lack of trust, me acting/reacting in super emotional ways instead of using my brain, among other things has made him feel like I don't want him anymore. I love him. I hate that I act emotionally but with everything that's happened, who wouldn't? Maybe I'm just an over emotional fool who needs to grow up. I hate feeling like it's all going downhill because I can't trust him to make the right decisions when around women more attractive/intelligent than I am. I know we need marriage counseling but every time we get a chance to do it for free or where we can afford, something happens either medically with me or we don't have the gas to get there, or our car breaks down. I don't want to divorce him. I really don't. I just wonder if maybe I'm dragging a dead relationship through the dirt hoping to revive it. Sometimes I think I should just expect him to sleep with other women, maybe give him the permission to do it. Heck, maybe give him the threesome he's been begging for. Ok, I'm ending this rant. Maybe someone has some advice for me.
BetrayedH Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Some people can turn a blind eye to their spouse having other partners. Most can't. I lost count of how many times your H has cheated (and these are just the ones you know about). I've heard nothing in your post to indicate true remorse following any of them. He's a serial cheater and without SERIOUS work on his part, the behavior will continue. At this point he doesn't even have a reason to change because you accept him back every time. If leaving is not an option for you, your choices are: (1) Keep going with the same dynamic of him cheating, you catching him, and him lying, denying, and minimizing until the dust settles so he can do it again or (2) Accept that you have volunteered to have an unfaithful spouse and stop investigating or caring. Which of these choices sounds good to you? Personally, I think you sound perfectly intelligent and I suspect that you deserve better. But until you respect yourself enough to not accept this behavior, he won't respect you either. In fact, the more you accept him, the less he respects you. Don't you deserve to be with someone that would treat you right? Look, I just went thru a divorce and while I made tremendous efforts to save my marriage, too, it's nothing to be afraid of. I am starting my second life and I'm free of a spouse that didn't respect me. It's easier and better than you think. Something to consider.
HopingAgain Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Nothing changes, when nothing changes. You 2 are stuck in a holding pattern. Life gets hard, he cheats you catch him, he apologizes, you attempt to trust again. Theb the entire cycle repeats itself. This will continue indefinately until you are totally drained or he leaves for someone else UNLESS you ccommitt to making some lasting change and leaving this circular road you are on. The change is going to need to start with you. You've said you love him and don't want to divorce, but you are clearly fed up with his cheating and overall disloyalty. What can you change in yourself that will show that playtime in this marriage is over? Something that will show him that he can either **** or get off the pot? What lasting change in his behavior have you really required from him, or efforts from him to really SHOW he's commited to change? I'm not going to be a voice of doom here and say there's no hope. But the only real hope will come from recognizing that this is a very unhealthy pattern and do whatever is neccessary to stop it. And he would have to be 100% on board and commited to getting off this road, which is unlikely if he knows he can always keep you AS IS.
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