passionflower3 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hello all. I'm a new member, but I've visited the site many times before. I feel so conflicted right now with my current situation. Long story, but I'll try to be brief. So I've been involved for about a year with a man who has blown hot and cold. We will be working together again in a few months (I met him during a short stint at the job and I am a returning hire). He comes on strong and sweet for a short while, then becomes cold and distant. I know I'm an idiot for thinking it's going to change every time he comes back around. I really do feel that when he's blowing hot that he really likes me. I like him so much and truly enjoy his company when he's behaving. But when he's cold, I practically get frostbite. And it hurts. This last time around I repeatedly reminded him of how I felt about him and to leave me alone and not take advantage of my feelings. I interpreted his continued contact as his desire to maybe have a relationship with me. I guess I figured that he wouldn't continue to pursue me if he was really a decent person, knowing my feelings for him and all. I know I shouldn't have responded if I truly wanted him to leave me alone...obviously, I don't. He made me mad several times and I unleashed my fury with awfully long and abrasive text messages. It's terrible. I'm not an angry person and I've never cursed out anyone before, but he seems to bring out so much frustration in me. Well, he continued to come back even after my outbursts. Again, I thought that maybe it meant that he wanted more with me. The last time we hung out, he was absolutely dreadful. After that night, I wrote him an email to tell him that I would be ignoring him until we start working together again. I let him know that I can't be FWB because I'm too emotional with him. I think it's sad that I had to write an email. Whenever I've tried to talk to him before about these things, he's either unavailable or starts an argument. So he continued to contact me despite my email. And I stuck to my word and ignored him. He contacted one of my girlfriends, wondering why I was ignoring him. Then told HER that he's not ready for a commitment and he thinks that's what I want, but he does want to be my friend. In my honest opinion, it was his way of avoiding a serious conversation with me; he knew she would tell me. We're very close friends who look out for each other and he knows this. Needless to say, I was floored by this move. I feel humiliated and so sad and like an idiot. He knows I'm not in a good situation right now and I practically begged him not to take advantage of my feelings unless he was interested in me. I cursed him out again, told him I don't even want to be friends. I then felt terrible and apologized, not for what I said (I really mean it all), but HOW I said it. It wasn't until then that he said he would be willing to talk in person. I said ok, but after I cool down because I don't want to be a screaming, crying mess (I promise I'm a very nice and emotionally stable person!...he really brings out this awful version of me). The more it settles in, though, the more humiliated I feel. Not only for his behavior, but mine as well. Everything about this situation screams dysfunction. And it makes me horribly sad that he could be so cowardly and heartless. Should I have this conversation with him? I feel like whatever is going to be said won't matter and won't take away my negative feelings towards him. I don't know if I should put myself through that dreaded conversation or just completely cut contact. I'm not sure he deserves any more of my time, even for a closure talk. Bear in mind that we will be working together. I doubt he would mix this with our work relationship, though. What do I do? Am *I* now being the coward by reneging on my willingness to meet up with him??
lost.girl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 That's hard On one hand you can't allow him to string you along. On the other hand I have a feeling you will always wonder what it is he had to say to you. If I were you I would have the conversation with him just for your own sanity sake of constantly wondering what if. But go mentally prepared that it won't be pleasant experience for you.
CC12 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Should I have this conversation with him? What is there to talk about? You said you don't want to even be friends again. So what's the point? I feel like whatever is going to be said won't matter and won't take away my negative feelings towards him. I think that would be the danger, wouldn't it? That your negative feelings might melt away when he sweet talks you, and that you'll fall back into some kind of relationship again. You shouldn't even put yourself in that position. Playing with fire, and all that. I don't know if I should put myself through that dreaded conversation or just completely cut contact. I'm not sure he deserves any more of my time, even for a closure talk. Just cut contact. Get closure in your own way, without involving him in it at all. Bear in mind that we will be working together. I doubt he would mix this with our work relationship, though. What do I do? Stand firm in cutting all contact, completely. If you must communicate with him at work for any reason, be strictly professional. If he bothers you at work, document it all, and take it to management. 1
Author passionflower3 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Thank you both for the insight. I agree, CC, that I could be playing with fire if I meet up with him. At this point, regardless of how hurt I am, I still have feelings for him. But he has treated me poorly and taken it too far and I want nothing to do with him (despite my feelings for him). I think that seeing him would break my resolve. And honestly, why is he just now giving a crap? He didn't have the decency to stop leading me on or to even tell ME (but embarass me through my friend). Because it finally blew up in his face? Argh. He is the most frustrating man I've ever dealt with. I'm exasperated. Sorry, I'm venting. Anyone else been through a similar situation?
starlet86 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I am in this situation right now. Except, the guy did commit to me, lived with me, planned a future with me and then cut me off. (see, why is it so hard?) I work with him EVERYDAY! I see him 5-6 days a week. It is hell on Earth and when I don't speak to him, he gets bothered by it. It's a game to them. You are their playing piece and no one wants to lose their playing piece, because then they lose the game. Go meet up with him, any sweet talking he tries, be prepared to shoot it down, even if you don't want to. Leave making him think that he has lost you. If he then bothers with you, he will try. If you genuinely care for someone you don't give up just because they aren't nice to you.
Author passionflower3 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Thanks, starlet. I keep going back and forth about this. Meet up with him or not? It's driving me nuts. I wish this were easy!
BC1980 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Don't go see him. There is really no such thing as closure. There won't ever be closure or a clean break. The best you can do is to cut him off. You have to emotionally detach yourself from him by whatever means possible. If you talk to him, there's not going to be some epic moment where everything finally makes sense. I can guarantee you it will raise more questions and cause more pain. It usually doesn't make sense to the dumpee and sometimes the dumper. It just is. . . .
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