Saying you want to wait until marriage is like saying you've got the ebola virus...

[Kelemvor]

Because even men who say they are super religious ...are youth pastors...believe in taking things slow... clear out after that statement. It's like their eyes glaze over or something.

 

My cousin once told me a hilarious story of her friend who was dating a minister. And he would get on the pulpit and preach against fornication...until he got home.

 

Dating is extra hard for those waiting.

 

50-60 years ago, this would not have seemed quite so odd, nor would you have likely seemed to be a minority. Unfortunately, you need to realize that if this is how you want to proceed with dating, then your options will indeed be more limited. I think the reasons are multifactorial, but let's face it... Societal norms, as they stand... embrace sexual promiscuity. You can chalk this up to lax moral standards, the advent of birth control, or the sexual liberation of women that stemmed from the feminism movement. Either way... the female leftists which are the most vocal have argued for sexual liberation and the ability to have sex without being viewed as "slutty" and being able to have the same license to engage as men without the stigma. Whether we've accomplished that or not is another matter.

 

Once you move past all of that, you run into the realistic dilemma for men which is real whether you like it or not. Women are essentially liberated in this day and age, economically, sexually, free to enter and exit marriages with greater ease. Marriage is an increasingly risky venture for both parties but especially if you are a man and run the risk of having a child and/or becoming the main breadwinner. I just recently came out of a divorce to a woman with two degrees, earning a decent paycheck and without any children. The marriage was under 2 years. However, because I earned much more than she did, I got stuck with an inordinate amount of alimony payment and was pursued from a legal standpoint very aggressively to essentially be extorted. So... from my point of view, as a man who is single and back to dating... I feel as if I need to be as careful as possible in who I pick to be my future wife. I want, and feel deserved to know what I'm getting into and part of that is basic sexual compatibility. She could be the most wonderful person in the world, but if there is no sexual compatibility or if there are many hang ups that can't be overcome then it significantly increases the risk of divorce. That's not a risk that I want to take, and I feel that many men (and women for that matter) feel deserved to explore every aspect of the relationship before having to commit because let's face it... nobody wants to get a divorce. I have even become suspicious when I hear women mention waiting until marriage, especially if they are not extremely young because I feel as if they are hiding something or afraid that there would be issues in that facet of the relationship that I wouldn't know about until too late.

 

Unfortunately, the antiquated romantic idea of sex after marriage has fallen by the wayside. It doesn't mean that you aren't worth waiting for.. but from the man's standpoint. He doesn't know you that well yet, and has plenty of equally interesting, attractive women who are willing to engage in sex when the relationship reaches a certain point, so why waste time with you? It sounds cruel, but it's the unfortunate reality.

 

I commend your adherence to a moral standard, but I feel that it will make it very difficult for you to find the quality or type of man that you might be looking for... instead attracting men who are so desperate that they are willing to put up with your limitations.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

I don't have a timeline. However long it takes to know that a guy is the one.

Personally, I'd find ambiguity to be antithetical to a very concrete viewpoint on the related subject of sex and be inclined to find the potential incompatible. However, if the woman had a finite timeline where either the relationship would move to marriage or end and could communicate that clearly, then I'd be in agreement if the timeline matched my own, generally a year of consistent 'getting to know' contact. A young person might have a different perspective but, at my age, I know what I want and have had enough dysfunctional relationships and life experiences to know what I don't want. Overall, IMO you'll find very few men of any age past high school willing to wait for marriage, especially with an ambiguous timeline. Very small dating pool. If that's the one you're targeting, I wish you well.

[Eclypse]

I think the virginity/chastity issue is one of dysfunction. People do naturally have attraction and a sex drive. Trying to suppress that seems unnatural to me. "No sex before marriage" is an arbitrary standard. Where does it come from? Other people, mostly men, religious leaders. It also comes from dead people: whoever wrote the religious texts 100's or 1000's of years ago (men). So, people are letting themselves be controlled by religious "leaders". People are letting themselves be controlled by dead people. Quite strange. We (Americans, westerners) look down on those poor Muslim women who wear the burqa or jijab. The behavior of those burqa wearing women is controlled by men and living+dead religious leaders just as Christians are. Chastity, virginity, burqas, hijabs, sin, purity, etc; Its all about controlling sexuality. But why? Who benefits? The greatest trick was to convince women that they benefit from these values and traditions.

 

You speak the truth. It's all a damn power game. It was much easier to control the plebs back in the olden days when no one could read or had any idea how to explain natural phenomena. It's a much different story now with information more easily accessible.

 

If a woman I was dating pulled the "no sex till marriage" line I would respect her decision. And by that I mean I would get a new girlfriend pronto. Life is too short to pass up on things like sex which I really enjoy.

[joystickd]

You speak the truth. It's all a damn power game. It was much easier to control the plebs back in the olden days when no one could read or had any idea how to explain natural phenomena. It's a much different story now with information more easily accessible.

 

If a woman I was dating pulled the "no sex till marriage" line I would respect her decision. And by that I mean I would get a new girlfriend pronto. Life is too short to pass up on things like sex which I really enjoy.

At the end of the day it was more about ensuring paternity was known and less about power

[Els]

But I really want a God fearing man. Those qualities are absolutely admirable. Someone who will listen to my voice, take care of a family, pray on behalf of his family, not chase

after other women, being involved his children..

 

If he really is God fearing, he will have those qualities.

 

What has your experience been with dating men who are very active in Christian circles?

 

Celibacy seemed to be reasonably common in those circles, judging from my fairly recent involvement in them a few years back. Now, obviously, these people would have the highest tendency to lie about it as well, but even bearing that in mind, I'm sure some of those who mentioned choosing to not engage in premarital sex were honest. I'm still close enough to one particular couple for them to have such conversations with me, and they said they'd set their limit at making out. Lovely couple, were together for 7 years since the year after high school, and have recently gotten engaged. Only one data point, but it doesn't seem too unrealistic to think there couldn't be more.

 

Personally the Christian definition of celibacy isn't for me (since oral sex etc is considered as 'sex' by most denominations), and I've been more of an agnostic recently anyway, but I'm sure there are some who adhere to it.

[TheGuard13]

Look, if it's your belief, it's your belief. I think this kind of thing is counterproductive. I find repressing one's sexual desires to be, well, repressive, and unhealthy.

 

But you have a belief system that doesn't revolve around sex. So it's a bit different.

 

Still, physical and sexual and emotional compatibility is incredibly important in a healthy relationship. If you don't have sex, and deal with issues that arise before marriage, you do not know your sexual compatibility. You don't even really know your emotional compatibility fully. It's that simple.

 

This is a huge risk. You'd better be damn sure if you take it. And you'd better be willing to wait for the right man. Because most men quite simply won't wait for marriage, or even a commitment, for sex. Partially because there are plenty of women out there who don't want to either.

[SoulSoldier]

I used to be in the camp of waiting until marriage for sex. The older I've gotten (I am now 24) the more I've seen it as being unreasonable and impossible--especially if you don't plan on getting married within the first year or two of dating.

 

To me, a more healthy compromise (in my case anyway) is to wait until I am at least at the love stage for sex. Things like oral/making out I won't do until I am very comfortable with the person and confident that it's going to reach that love stage. Bear in mind, I don't fall in love easily, so if I love you romantically, it means I'm very serious about you and see the potential for a long term relationship (i.e. marriage ultimately).

 

Guys who have the same standards DO exist. In fact, before my current BF, I actually dated a guy who was adamant about waiting for sex until marriage--including oral. We broke up, but not for that reason (there were other compatibility issues). The guy I am dating now has the same "no sex before love" standard. In my experience, when I told guys that I still had my V card, it wasn't a big deal and most were willing to wait until I was ready--however long that took. Those that weren't willing to wait were dismissed.

 

If you're looking at it from a larger standpoint, as others have said, if you don't test the sexual compatibility before marrying someone, you may end up with a totally incompatible partner. Obviously no good, since most of us are naturally sexual beings and sex is an important component of a healthy relationship (along with the emotional and other aspects, too).

 

I would say, though, that if you really want to wait and feel compelled to do so, stick to your guns. Don't allow someone to pressure you to change. Believe it or not, guys who do want to wait do exist...at every age, in every branch of Christianity. Just realize that your dating pool is gonna be limited because waiting for sex until marriage isn't something that many individuals are willing to do anymore.

[Veronica2025]

Which explains one reason you can wait.

 

It's crucial to being successful.

[Veronica2025]

What has your experience been with dating men who are very active in Christian circles?

 

Celibacy seemed to be reasonably common in those circles, judging from my fairly recent involvement in them a few years back. Now, obviously, these people would have the highest tendency to lie about it as well, but even bearing that in mind, I'm sure some of those who mentioned choosing to not engage in premarital sex were honest. I'm still close enough to one particular couple for them to have such conversations with me, and they said they'd set their limit at making out. Lovely couple, were together for 7 years since the year after high school, and have recently gotten engaged. Only one data point, but it doesn't seem too unrealistic to think there couldn't be more.

 

Personally the Christian definition of celibacy isn't for me (since oral sex etc is considered as 'sex' by most denominations), and I've been more of an agnostic recently anyway, but I'm sure there are some who adhere to it.

 

 

Most men who go to church still want to have sex outside of marriage. And it depends on where you attend.

[Eggplant]

Have you tried dating people from foreign cultures? They may be more open to abstinence.

 

Also, are you limiting your search to church-going men? Some non-church-going men may be willing to wait... Don't assume only church-going men will wait.

[crude]

I think sex is an enjoyable part of life whether you're young or old, married or single. To restrict it to marriage is almost like saying there's no life at all outside of marriage. Going from your parents' home to being married leaves an entire part of life missing. There's room for sex outside of marriage, it's enriching, enjoyable, simply part of life. Religion is brainwashing, most of the wars in human history are linked to religion, even you mentioned the hypocrites in the church. Live a little, go for it.

[Veronica2025]

Personally, I'd find ambiguity to be antithetical to a very concrete viewpoint on the related subject of sex and be inclined to find the potential incompatible. However, if the woman had a finite timeline where either the relationship would move to marriage or end and could communicate that clearly, then I'd be in agreement if the timeline matched my own, generally a year of consistent 'getting to know' contact. A young person might have a different perspective but, at my age, I know what I want and have had enough dysfunctional relationships and life experiences to know what I don't want. Overall, IMO you'll find very few men of any age past high school willing to wait for marriage, especially with an ambiguous timeline. Very small dating pool. If that's the one you're targeting, I wish you well.

 

I meant if it's only 6 months I don't mind or 8 or whatever number. I would say I would know before a year was up.

[Veronica2025]

You speak the truth. It's all a damn power game. It was much easier to control the plebs back in the olden days when no one could read or had any idea how to explain natural phenomena. It's a much different story now with information more easily accessible.

 

If a woman I was dating pulled the "no sex till marriage" line I would respect her decision. And by that I mean I would get a new girlfriend pronto. Life is too short to pass up on things like sex which I really enjoy.

 

Holding out for the right one is not a power game. It involves both parties making a commitment to each other. It's an okay and respectable thing to give yourself to your husband only.

 

And I respect men who step up to the plate. If I'm expected to surrender all of me, why can't he surrender all of himself?

[carhill]

I meant if it's only 6 months I don't mind or 8 or whatever number. I would say I would know before a year was up.

As an example, my parents, both of whom were 'older', were married within a year of meeting. The got on, decided to get married, spent a weekend in Yuma, AZ, back then called 'eloping', and it was done. There was no 'shotgun', as I wouldn't be born for another six years. They were married for life. I have no idea if they had pre-marital sex, as such subjects were inappropriate to discuss, IMO. I do know my dad was a devout Catholic.

 

So, as you can see, some men may not find your preference antithetical, within limits. If , as you say, you'd have a good idea at six or eight months in, then you would entertain a proposal of marriage at that point, with an equally timed engagement period, or less? IMO, whatever your perspective is, it's paramount to clearly communicate it and be certain that your dating partner understands your steadfast adherence to it. Good luck.

[Veronica2025]

As an example, my parents, both of whom were 'older', were married within a year of meeting. The got on, decided to get married, spent a weekend in Yuma, AZ, back then called 'eloping', and it was done. There was no 'shotgun', as I wouldn't be born for another six years. They were married for life. I have no idea if they had pre-marital sex, as such subjects were inappropriate to discuss, IMO. I do know my dad was a devout Catholic.

 

So, as you can see, some men may not find your preference antithetical, within limits. If , as you say, you'd have a good idea at six or eight months in, then you would entertain a proposal of marriage at that point, with an equally timed engagement period, or less? IMO, whatever your perspective is, it's paramount to clearly communicate it and be certain that your dating partner understands your steadfast adherence to it. Good luck.

 

I would. Chances are if I'm dating someone we started off as friends or coworkers. So there is some history. I always watch a guy for a while before there are any expectations to get a good idea of what he's like. And besides that, I'm 25 now and have a good idea of what I want, what I need, and where I would like to go.

[joystickd]

It's crucial to being successful.

Yeah because you wouldn't be able to if you didn't currently get attention from males that on some level have a desire to have sex with you.

[carhill]

I would. Chances are if I'm dating someone we started off as friends or coworkers. So there is some history. I always watch a guy for a while before there are any expectations to get a good idea of what he's like. And besides that, I'm 25 now and have a good idea of what I want, what I need, and where I would like to go.

One potential challenge, alluded to in the title, is that dating contemporaries will overwhelmingly have been sexually active and/or in relationships prior, so will have certain expectations about sex and romance predicated upon their social circle and local demographic. Hence, it would benefit you to align yourself socially with groups of people who in general share your views on relationships and marriage.

 

I'm recalling my wife's best friend who split up with her H while we were getting divorced. Both she and her H were devout 7th Day and it was only a short period, long before divorcing, before they both met new partners, she a widower in her neighborhood and he through a new church he started attending. We're about 2.5 years post-D and I know for a fact that her best friend is still with the guy she met, since I have contact with her. Will they remarry? Unknown. Do they abstain from sex? Unknown. However, the point is that they quickly met new partners in a social demographic which reflected their core values.

 

Good luck.

[BluEyeL]

I'm the woman who married her first boyfriend and we were together for about 20 years, but I still think that waiting until marriage in this day and time doesn't make any sense and is, honestly, a bit nuts. Only crazy religious people would do that. Emphasis on crazy. Good luck to you.

 

My sister dated this uber religious guy for Six years (17 until 23), they got married, although there were red flags everywhere. Well, she said, nobody else would wait, so I'm sticking with him (like waiting for years is something that normal people do) He waited, she said, I cannot not marry him now, although things are not going great. The were not compatible sexually and on other fronts, he was abusive, he thought women are inferior to men, and should mind their own place, and eventually he hit her and they got divorced in 4 years, after having a baby. So much for the value of waiting like a crazy person. You marry a crazy person and end up divorced.

[Matmana]

I believe that waiting is up to the couple. Some people wait until they are married and they are happy for the rest of their lives. Others can't and it brings them closer to the person they are with. I think the best thing to do is make sure you are committed to this person and truly care about them. You shouldn't be promiscuous, but you shouldn't need proof around you all that time with a purity ring. The best thing is to make sure you are comfortable and ready.

[Revolver]

When a woman says this, she eliminates 90-95% of the male population from being interested

[DarlinBelle]

I'm a 26 yr old virgin, practicing abstinence for religious reasons. Sure, people at my age who are still virgins by choice are rare but it does not make my lifestyle any less valid than those who choose differently. I do have a smaller dating pool, but I would not compromise what I believe just to fit a mold. I have dated men who were practicing celibacy. There are men out there who do not feel that sex is a requirement for dating.

[shexy]

I have respect for people who want to wait, for whatever reason, but I personally wouldn't want to make a lifelong commitment to someone, then find out that same night there is absolutely zero sexual chemistry. Then you're stuck with crappy sex for the rest of your life!!!! (because I"m guessing if you're waiting until marriage to have sex, you probably aren't a big fan of divorce)

[dreamingoftigers]

Because even men who say they are super religious ...are youth pastors...believe in taking things slow... clear out after that statement. It's like their eyes glaze over or something.

 

My cousin once told me a hilarious story of her friend who was dating a minister. And he would get on the pulpit and preach against fornication...until he got home.

 

Dating is extra hard for those waiting.

 

What's the timeline for marriage?

 

Surprisingly, I've found a good way to repel women - "I loved being married and hope to be married again some day and won't live with a woman unless I'm married".

 

Watch 'em clear out

 

IMO, I'd see no issue (with waiting for marriage) and would cover the relevant aspects in the pre-nup.

 

Do we have a match here?

[irc333]

Yeah, or highly religious zealots hurry up and marry their High School sweet heart....in order to have sex with them and it not be wrong.

 

 

I'm the woman who married her first boyfriend and we were together for about 20 years, but I still think that waiting until marriage in this day and time doesn't make any sense and is, honestly, a bit nuts. Only crazy religious people would do that. Emphasis on crazy. Good luck to you.

 

My sister dated this uber religious guy for Six years (17 until 23), they got married, although there were red flags everywhere. Well, she said, nobody else would wait, so I'm sticking with him (like waiting for years is something that normal people do) He waited, she said, I cannot not marry him now, although things are not going great. The were not compatible sexually and on other fronts, he was abusive, he thought women are inferior to men, and should mind their own place, and eventually he hit her and they got divorced in 4 years, after having a baby. So much for the value of waiting like a crazy person. You marry a crazy person and end up divorced.

[irc333]

However, because I earned much more than she did, I got stuck with an inordinate amount of alimony payment and was pursued from a legal standpoint very aggressively to essentially be extorted

 

Woah...wait a min. alimony STILL exists when a woman is working for a living? (if it even exists at all)

 

I was under the impression alimony only works if the woman was a stay at home housewife/mom through out most of her life, because when she divorces....she has no employer.

 

I knew of a woman that was divorced, was only a stay at home mom, divorced happened at 40-something, and at that age, with no college degree, no job skills....alimony was only then, justified.