Time to get back out there?

[J_L_C]

Many of you know my relationship ended 10 months ago and I have been a wreck for most of that time. I was in contact with him a consistent basis for 8 months. I knew it wasn't good for me, but I just couldn't let go. It was so hard. I had to hear about all of the girls he'd been dating and also "banging". It tore me apart. Anyway, it's now been only 2 months of NC. It's been really hard not knowing what he's been up to. He could still be dating or he could very well be in a full-fledged relationship. My mind is running away with itself and creating all of these scenarios.

 

I keep hoping I'm going to hear from him, even just on a friendly, "how are things going level", but instead I'm sitting here not knowing if he's hooked up with someone or not. If he HAS, then I know I definitely won't be hearing from him. If he HASN'T, there is a better chance. But I'm sitting here killing myself because I don't know what his situation is either way. Should I just find out? I don't want to sit here constantly wondering if he'll reach out or not. At least if I know his status, I won't be wondering anymore.

[SadHumiliated]

Many of you know my relationship ended 10 months ago and I have been a wreck for most of that time. I was in contact with him a consistent basis for 8 months. I knew it wasn't good for me, but I just couldn't let go. It was so hard. I had to hear about all of the girls he'd been dating and also "banging". It tore me apart. Anyway, it's now been only 2 months of NC. It's been really hard not knowing what he's been up to. He could still be dating or he could very well be in a full-fledged relationship. My mind is running away with itself and creating all of these scenarios.

 

I keep hoping I'm going to hear from him, even just on a friendly, "how are things going level", but instead I'm sitting here not knowing if he's hooked up with someone or not. If he HAS, then I know I definitely won't be hearing from him. If he HASN'T, there is a better chance. But I'm sitting here killing myself because I don't know what his situation is either way. Should I just find out? I don't want to sit here constantly wondering if he'll reach out or not. At least if I know his status, I won't be wondering anymore.

 

My recent ex cheated with a classmate but I didn't know until recently they continued their relationship. It hit me like a truck and ruined my weekend...but weirdly, a week out with that knowledge I'm feeling really good.

 

I had an aversion to having romantic thoughts towards anyone in a relationship(I'm really strict with boundaries). Knowing they are now together has actually helped to speed up my loss of any feelings or wants to be around him anymore. It's like a healing switch was flipped and I'm moving rapidly towards Don't Careville.

 

I think found out...get with a good friend, and drink and distract yourself for the rest of the day. Then start to heal. You will feel better!

[metal_chick]

You're going to feel worse if you do! I can't believe you have to ask!

[na49]

I actually say go for it. Temporarily it will suck, but that pain will go away just like the pain of the breakup. It will make things more real for you because you are living in fantasy land and have been for such a long time now. There is the chance that after a few weeks you will want to see if he is still with someone and thus the cycle continues.

 

So it's really a catch 22.

[Leigh 87]

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This guy was a COMPLETE @SSHOLE to you.

 

...OF COURSE they will hook up once they are not having sex with us regularly!

 

Once they do not promise us loyalty, they will be out hooking up with other women.

It is just a fact of life. Men who do not have strong feelings for one women and are not loyal to one women, will hook up with other women.

It has been 10 months. Even though he is a complete jerk, of course he has found other people to hook up with within a 10 month period.

 

Although no decent girl would want to have a relationship with him since he is such a mean loser, he would have definitely hooked up or found a gullible or naïve girl to hook up and have a relationship with him even. A women who cannot see what a jerk he truly is.

 

Seriously, feel sorry for the poor girl who gets him! Man, I would hate to end up with a guy like him, even if he was SUPER nice to me! knowing he treats other women that he is not that into with such disrespect, I feel incredibly sorry for any women he cons into a relationship. For they are dealing with a very nasty man.

 

...................Unless he is shy, socially inept, and just not good at getting women to hook up with him, he would have hooked up by now. Going on your description of him, he does get around enough and can find women who agree to sleep with him.

 

Look, he is a jerk.

 

You deserve better.

 

You do not want to be with him even if he wanted you, because he is a mean person who treats women he does not like much, like they are a piece of garbage.

[metal_chick]

I actually say go for it. Temporarily it will suck, but that pain will go away just like the pain of the breakup. It will make things more real for you because you are living in fantasy land and have been for such a long time now. There is the chance that after a few weeks you will want to see if he is still with someone and thus the cycle continues.

 

So it's really a catch 22.

 

She's already lived in a fantasy world for 8 months while she remained in contact with him. How many more times can she hit herself with the mallet before she says "Ow! That hurts!"

[J_L_C]

I actually say go for it. Temporarily it will suck, but that pain will go away just like the pain of the breakup. It will make things more real for you because you are living in fantasy land and have been for such a long time now. There is the chance that after a few weeks you will want to see if he is still with someone and thus the cycle continues.

 

So it's really a catch 22.

 

That is what I'm worried about. Once I find out and if he IS with someone, I'll constantly want to know how it's going. Ugh this sucks.

[metal_chick]

That is what I'm worried about. Once I find out and if he IS with someone, I'll constantly want to know how it's going. Ugh this sucks.

 

Always assume they're with someone. Assume the worst. Just don't find out.

 

You have wasted 10 months on this. 10 months! How much more time do you need? He treated you bad. He left. Some other poor girl had got to deal with it now.

 

You're free. But you insist on staying imprisoned by this guy, why? Stop letting him win and claim your life back.

[J_L_C]

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This guy was a COMPLETE @SSHOLE to you.

 

...OF COURSE they will hook up once they are not having sex with us regularly!

 

Once they do not promise us loyalty, they will be out hooking up with other women.

It is just a fact of life. Men who do not have strong feelings for one women and are not loyal to one women, will hook up with other women.

It has been 10 months. Even though he is a complete jerk, of course he has found other people to hook up with within a 10 month period.

 

Although no decent girl would want to have a relationship with him since he is such a mean loser, he would have definitely hooked up or found a gullible or naïve girl to hook up and have a relationship with him even. A women who cannot see what a jerk he truly is.

 

Seriously, feel sorry for the poor girl who gets him! Man, I would hate to end up with a guy like him, even if he was SUPER nice to me! knowing he treats other women that he is not that into with such disrespect, I feel incredibly sorry for any women he cons into a relationship. For they are dealing with a very nasty man.

 

...................Unless he is shy, socially inept, and just not good at getting women to hook up with him, he would have hooked up by now. Going on your description of him, he does get around enough and can find women who agree to sleep with him.

 

Look, he is a jerk.

 

You deserve better.

 

You do not want to be with him even if he wanted you, because he is a mean person who treats women he does not like much, like they are a piece of garbage.

 

I know for a fact he has been sleeping with others. That much I know. But now I'm all curious about whether he's in a relationship.

 

I honestly don't know why I am on this like a leech to the skin. I can't seem to forget him. It's not that I want him anymore. I just want him in my life in SOME way. I can honestly say that IF he ever came back to me, I wouldn't consider a relationship with him again. A friendship, yes, possibly. But I know I would resent him for all of the things he did on the day we broke up AND post-break up.

 

I think I'm having a tough weekend because of what happened a year ago. We were at a wedding together a year ago tonight. He noticed a girl at the wedding who he had hooked up with before. They talked and talked a lot that night. I told him I was uncomfortable with how much time he was spending with her and I was left sitting alone a lot. When the dancing started, I mentioned that I would feel a bit uncomfortable with things if he danced with her. I by no means told him he COULDN'T, I'm not like that. He said he understood and explained he didn't intend to. Later that night, I went to the bathroom and came back out and they were slow dancing. I was so upset, I told him to find his own way home and left. It was not a good choice of mine. I had been drinking, but no excuse. The thing I was upset about is that he didn't understand my discomfort, told me he understood and then decided to do it when I was nowhere in sight. I understand my blame in the situation too.

 

Anyway, I think I'm obsessing over things a lot tonight because of this event that happened a year ago.

 

I want to reiterate that I would not get back together with him. I guess I just want confirmation that he still thinks about me and remembers my existence. All I hope for is a little message here and there to say "Hey, how's it going lately" (I remember you're alive).

[anna121]

 

I want to reiterate that I would not get back together with him. I guess I just want confirmation that he still thinks about me and remembers my existence. All I hope for is a little message here and there to say "Hey, how's it going lately" (I remember you're alive).

 

Yes, you would.

 

It would be the worst mistake of your life.

 

If he remembers you, I promise that it's not in a way that would make you feel better. It would make you feel like a piece of meat.

 

You don't need him to remember you. You need him to forget you!!!!!

[BustedUpInside]

 

I want to reiterate that I would not get back together with him. I guess I just want confirmation that he still thinks about me and remembers my existence. All I hope for is a little message here and there to say "Hey, how's it going lately" (I remember you're alive).

 

I am not trying to argue or hurt your feelings, but if your ultimate goal isn't to remain and contact and get back together, then does it really matter if he is thinking about you?

 

Look at it a different way. If he is thinking about you and writes you a message like that, wouldn't it put you right back where you were before you made the decision to stop being on an emotional roller coaster?

 

Also, if you knew that he wasn't thinking about you and was happy in a new relationship, wouldn't that also hurt your progress.

 

I think your best bet is to just ride this out. You want to know because it still ties you to him emotionally. I think you should just break that tie once and for all. Whatever he is doing is not important. What is important is you and continuing to get better! You can keep going with No Contact! Stay strong

[J_L_C]

I know everyone is frustrated with me being stuck on him, and I know that we're all here for the same reasons. No situation is unique. But the problem is that I have only had two boyfriends in my life. He was the one I really saw myself with. I don't meet people very easily and it was the very first time I really connected someone so completely. I honestly believed I was going to spend my life with him. I saw it.

[Leigh 87]

I am speechless.

 

 

.......................

 

He slow danced at a wedding, in front of everyone, with a girl he once hooked up with, when you told him it made you uncomfortable:sick::sick::sick:

 

.......... Just........

 

Look. I have been treated with disrespect before. My ex used hookers and used girls online for validation that he was "hot". He went into a lesbian chat room and pretended he was a girl, using my photos, to get the girls to send him naughty pics (when they assumed he was a girl)

 

But your ex is by far the most cold and uncaring man I have ever heard of.

 

Sorry but I think he is a sociopath or he has a SERIOUS lack of empathy.

Decent men do not treat women they do not like, like garbage; instead, they break up with them because they do not want to keep a girl around that they don't even care about.

 

I am completely taken aback by your exes level of cruelty, selfishness, and lack of empathy.

[lop98]

Sorry to sound selfish here but this thread just re-confirmed I'm doing the right thing by staying NC... to think I could have prolonged the pain for up to a year!!, I'm so much better than the wreck I was in March and only due to distance, keeping him out, walking out of this with the few amounts of dignity I still had left.

[metal_chick]

Sorry to sound selfish here but this thread just re-confirmed I'm doing the right thing by staying NC... to think I could have prolonged the pain for up to a year!!, I'm so much better than the wreck I was in March and only due to distance, keeping him out, walking out of this with the few amounts of dignity I still had left.

 

Don't feel bad. I'm the same. I think about how much I miss him, and how much I'd like to reach out to him, but I realise, I could hurt more than I do.

 

And that, makes NC worth it. :-)

[J_L_C]

At least I know what to do now when a future relationship ends....If I even ever have one.

[BustedUpInside]

I know everyone is frustrated with me being stuck on him, and I know that we're all here for the same reasons. No situation is unique. But the problem is that I have only had two boyfriends in my life. He was the one I really saw myself with. I don't meet people very easily and it was the very first time I really connected someone so completely. I honestly believed I was going to spend my life with him. I saw it.

 

Of course you believed that! No one is tired of hearing about your situation. I think, if anything, people are frustrated that you don't seem to realized that you're too good for him and it is a blessing in disguise that you won't have to be tied to him for the rest of your life.

 

I would imagine that you did feel very connected to him, otherwise you wouldn't have put up with all the drama and even now be feeling so upset at the possibility of him being in new relationships.

 

I just think that if you ask him about his relationship status, the answer will not give you the closure or satisfaction that you are hoping for. You might just get sucked back into the kind of thing where he keeps you waiting with just enough that you are hooked, but he still gets to do whatever he wants.

 

I think everyone here would absolutely hate for that to happen to you after you have made so much progress in starting to get over him.

[metal_chick]

I know everyone is frustrated with me being stuck on him, and I know that we're all here for the same reasons. No situation is unique. But the problem is that I have only had two boyfriends in my life. He was the one I really saw myself with. I don't meet people very easily and it was the very first time I really connected someone so completely. I honestly believed I was going to spend my life with him. I saw it.

 

I don't connect well with guys either. And the last one, only confirmed that real connections are rare, which makes the dating mountain so difficult to climb.

 

But you're living a half life, the more you do this. I really think you should consider some more counselling.

[metal_chick]

+1 to Busted.

[Leigh 87]

I know everyone is frustrated with me being stuck on him, and I know that we're all here for the same reasons. No situation is unique. But the problem is that I have only had two boyfriends in my life. He was the one I really saw myself with. I don't meet people very easily and it was the very first time I really connected someone so completely. I honestly believed I was going to spend my life with him. I saw it.

 

 

 

You don't meet people easily. Your not a social butterfly like me that meets men easily. It was not always easy for me though; I was bullied growing up because I once had bad teeth and skin, and I did not make connections with people easily for most of my life. I totally understand why he meant so much to you. It sounds rare for you to make real connections with people.

Bettering myself and getting my self confidence up and taking a break from men for a few years helped me somewhat, and I now meet people easier and do not need to lean on one or two people so much.

 

Look, I am in the same boat as you when I advocate therapy, but please: YOU NEED SERIOUS HELP.

 

You are letting a man who literally DOES NOT care about you AT ALL, rule your life for MONTHS and MONTHS after he tells you that he does not want to be with you.

 

Most of us have not experienced a man who slow dances with a girl he had previously banged, when you specifically tell him how uncomfortable.

You are in a unique situation actually; your ex is far crueller than most of the exes on here. Therefore, you need extra support and encouragement from us.

 

Look. If you improve yourself and if you try to be the best women that you can be, in your career, social life, and if you take care of your body with diet and exercise; a therapist can help you further.

 

A therapist can give us the tools to enjoy life to the fullest. Sadly, you would probably feel pretty sad, because you actually care about a man who treated you like the scum under his shoes.

 

I am using therapy to overcome the fact that my ex cheated on my with hookers. And my ex was sorry and admitted he was disgusting, and treated me very well besides the hookers and would never do what your ex did to you.

I still need therapy to help process the events that happened to me in my prior relationship, and my ex was not even close to as cold and callous as your ex was.

 

It is extremely unhealthy that after ten months, you worry about whether or not your ex is in a relationship.

After what a nasty person he is, why would you care what girl is unlucky enough to have him?

[Leigh 87]

NO ONE is tired of hearing about you!

 

Please come here for support as long as you need it.

[emmalynro]

It's killing you? No, YOU are killing you.

 

This man is no longer in your life. He isn't speaking to you, you aren't seeing him at the store, you don't talk. There is nothing HE is doing to you anymore. The memories, the anxieties, the constant cycles and downward spirals---those may be triggered by feelings for him, but they are YOURS. Once you realize that you ultimately have power over these feelings, you can begin to change.

 

So what if he's dating again? What does this do for you? How does it impact your life? So what if he isn't? That is no longer your concern. Do something else, like take a bubble bath. For example, every time you feel those awful fears returning just take a bath. You may look like a prune for a while but it beats the alternative.

 

Most of all, be happy with yourself the way you are. You don't need his validation.

[apple OR orange]

just do what women expect guys to do, keep asking and asking till your heart has been ripped out many times over, its ok though as thats how its done, apparently how anyone feels when you ask them out on a date doesn't matter.

[lovelifexx]

This guy does not deserve to be loved. You've thrown away months of your life away on him. You need to see someone.