accidental contact...kinda

[who_am_i]

I'd been encouraged for quite some time to create a profile on a popular business networking website...which I did a few weeks ago. The other night when I was away from home I received an email stating that someone I knew had requested access to my contact information. While trying to allow this through my "smart?" phone I was prompted to download the App for that...I'm sure you know the drill. Finally I was able permit access and immediately following a list of suggested "People You Might Know" appeared on the screen. Sure as sh*t about 4 or 5 people down the list is xMM.

 

Being new to the App as well as the site in general I hit the X next to his name assuming this would remove him from my list...thus making it so I don't have to see his face on a regular basis. Makes sense...right?! Nope!! I received a message that I had "requested to view (his) profile"!! OH SH*T!! I panicked. I started looking all over the site for a place to undo this...but nothing.

 

When I got home about an hour later I logged onto my account through the PC. I still couldn't find how to undo this. All I could think of was how much self control it has taken me to stay away all this time only to blow it with something so completely stupid. When I finally found this "People You Might Know" list again I was able to remove his name and hoped that would cancel any automatic requests I'd sent to him.

 

But that was not the case. The next morning I received an email from xMM's wife...and lets just say it was not friendly.

 

I felt awful...for 2 reasons.

 

First because I promised myself I would never give him the satisfaction in knowing I was still thinking about him...

Second because I've read here so may times that when the OW won't let go and keeps contacting it is extremely unsettling for xMM & his wife as they attempt to make things right.

 

So...I replied. I apologized and then told her pretty much word for word what I said here. It was not intentional and I always intended on respecting her wishes when she asked I not contact them again.

 

Well her reply to that was just awful. I guess I can understand why she might not believe me...but it's been nearly 4 months & I already know where he works. Contacting him like this wouldn't make much sense.

 

I didn't reply again. I figured I'd given my explanation and there really wasn't more to it then that. I don't want to make things any worse and replying blow for blow would have totally done that.

 

Sigh...any advice?

[HonestNeurotic]

I have a love/hate relationship with various sites that want to "think" for me. I can totally relate to that. There are people that I don't WANT to know anything at all about me, but because of the AI that now exists, it figures since we worked at the same place then contact is a good thing.

 

That wasn't advice. Sorry. I guess all you can do is what you've done, just have to let it go.

[Spotme]

Oy, I feel for you on this one. I've buggered things up when trying to figure out a new app before and even sent a message to the wrong person. Unfortunately, you already know that more back and forth won't fix it, so you have to let go. It certainly upset me when the AP in my case deliberately fished for a reconnection a few months after DDay, H and I both had a bad few days. The BS in your case likely feels the same way. She won't feel she can trust your word that it was unintentional and this likely makes her doubt her H as well even though she won't tell you that. It'll blow over for all of you eventually though, that's really the only comfort I have.

[Praying4Peace]

Oh no...yikes.

 

Okay, to make you feel better...if that was 'trying to make contact', it was the lamest of lamest ways to romantically reconnect. "Can I see your resume?" LOL. Didn't you know that OW's are supposed to send: sexy pics in lingerie, love letters, romantic poems?

 

I'm just trying to make you feel better. (BS's- I'm making her feel better!)

 

Don't worry about it. You explained and apologized and that's all you can do. Those dang SmartPhones are not made for people with big thumbs like me.

[who_am_i]

Oy, I feel for you on this one. I've buggered things up when trying to figure out a new app before and even sent a message to the wrong person.

 

Again...perfect example. Same "smart?" phone...how on earth did I end up with a next to the title of this thread?!?!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I imagine that xMM must have forwarded her the "canned" email which is generated as notification for these types of networks. I get how it could seem that I was trying to contact him and I've read enough around here to know that it really didn't matter what I said, continuing to plead my case was only going to make things worse. She's clearly very angry...and rightfully so. I imagine she took the opportunity to say a few things that have been building up since d-day. Though I gotta tell ya...I was very surprised as she showed so much self control back then.

[DelusionalOne]

Again...perfect example. Same "smart?" phone...how on earth did I end up with a next to the title of this thread?!?!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I imagine that xMM must have forwarded her the "canned" email which is generated as notification for these types of networks. I get how it could seem that I was trying to contact him and I've read enough around here to know that it really didn't matter what I said, continuing to plead my case was only going to make things worse. She's clearly very angry...and rightfully so. I imagine she took the opportunity to say a few things that have been building up since d-day. Though I gotta tell ya...I was very surprised as she showed so much self control back then.

 

Either that or she has him on a very short leash and monitoring all email is part of the R package.

 

Oh that really sucks though. But there is nothing you can do. You tried to apologize and look where it got you. Just let it go from this point on.

 

I swear... if there was a asteroid heading for my xOMM's house, and I was the only one who knew it.... I still would not initiate contact.

[who_am_i]

Oh no...yikes.

 

Okay, to make you feel better...if that was 'trying to make contact', it was the lamest of lamest ways to romantically reconnect. "Can I see your resume?" LOL. Didn't you know that OW's are supposed to send: sexy pics in lingerie, love letters, romantic poems?

 

I'm just trying to make you feel better. (BS's- I'm making her feel better!)

 

Don't worry about it. You explained and apologized and that's all you can do. Those dang SmartPhones are not made for people with big thumbs like me.

 

Initially, this was my reaction too while reading her email which was clearly written with just the right combination of anger and sarcasm. Hurt, my guy reaction was to reply to her with something just as hurtful. However, I knew I would regret saying something stupid like...I wanted to sleep with him, not find him a job.

 

She is angry with me and I know that she has every right to be. I didn't want to make matters worse...I just wish she'd have given me the benefit of the doubt on this one. I mean lets be honest...I know his work phone number. I'd just call him if I wanted to talk to him, right?!?!

[who_am_i]

I swear... if there was a asteroid heading for my xOMM's house, and I was the only one who knew it.... I still would not initiate contact.

 

I want so badly to quote those profoundly infamous words of LadyGrey...I wouldn't pee on him if he were on fire.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I know what you are referring to. It's horrible when that happens. I haven't ever asked to connect but a few years ago I viewed his profile by mistake. Made me so mad. He has viewed mine also but more recently it's anonymous views that I get and I know it's from him or her for sure because generally it is centered around some other event of some kind.

 

Anyway I can tell you be isn't forwarding that stuff - she is monitoring for sure - she has access to all email and passwords. There really isn't anything you can do except go forward and eliminate the possibility of him coming up again.

 

Just forge ahead - the likelihood of her believing you is probably slim given the circumstances. Just hold your head up knowing it was an honest mistake and thee is nothing you can do to convince her.

 

But I know how you feel. It sucks!

[who_am_i]

Either that or she has him on a very short leash and monitoring all email is part of the R package.

 

You think? Even business related? Seems extreme as we are not business associates. The only reason I can imagine for him being on this "People You Might Know" list would be that the App asked if it was ok to access my email and I agreed?!?! I just assumed that he found some sick pleasure in thinking I was still stuck on him and ratting me out to his wife.

 

What do you mean..."R package"?

 

And just one more thing while I'm thinking about it...

The OW is told repeatedly that there should be NC under any circumstances. Ignore...ignore...ignore!!! Yet the BS pounced immediately. I guess I don't understand. Doesn't NC or shouldn't NC work both ways?

[who_am_i]

Anyway I can tell you be isn't forwarding that stuff - she is monitoring for sure - she has access to all email and passwords. There really isn't anything you can do except go forward and eliminate the possibility of him coming up again.

 

Which I think I've done by removing him from the list. Oh lord...I can't imagine messing it up only for him to reappear.

 

She was SO angry!! She spoke down to me and made a few offensive implications. It was so hard not to do the same. I knew it wouldn't help and the reality is...it really was unintentional and I really wasn't happy it happened either. I thought the best thing to do was to be honest and issue a sincere apology...but that just made it worse it seems.

[DelusionalOne]

You think? Even business related? Seems extreme as we are not business associates. The only reason I can imagine for him being on this "People You Might Know" list would be that the App asked if it was ok to access my email and I agreed?!?! I just assumed that he found some sick pleasure in thinking I was still stuck on him and ratting me out to his wife.

 

What do you mean..."R package"?

 

And just one more thing while I'm thinking about it...

The OW is told repeatedly that there should be NC under any circumstances. Ignore...ignore...ignore!!! Yet the BS pounced immediately. I guess I don't understand. Doesn't NC or shouldn't NC work both ways?

 

Standard operating procedure for reconciliation tends to be total access to everything. All emails, phones, social networks, etc.

 

I'm not even going to start in on the second question. This post would catch on fire, William would get involved.... it would just get ugly. LOL:D

[who_am_i]

I'm not even going to start in on the second question. This post would catch on fire, William would get involved.... it would just get ugly. LOL

 

Oh! I'm sorry if I've somehow offended you. Totally unintentional.

(Man, I've been saying that a lot lately)

[DelusionalOne]

Oh! I'm sorry if I've somehow offended you. Totally unintentional.

(Man, I've been saying that a lot lately)

 

LOL....NO! Not at all. I was afraid my answer would offend others.

 

 

ETA: I just read your backstory and I stand by my original statement: She has him on a short leash and probably will for a long time based on how you two met.

Edited June 2, 2013 by DelusionalOne

[whichwayisup]

I'd been encouraged for quite some time to create a profile on a popular business networking website...which I did a few weeks ago. The other night when I was away from home I received an email stating that someone I knew had requested access to my contact information. While trying to allow this through my "smart?" phone I was prompted to download the App for that...I'm sure you know the drill. Finally I was able permit access and immediately following a list of suggested "People You Might Know" appeared on the screen. Sure as sh*t about 4 or 5 people down the list is xMM.

 

Being new to the App as well as the site in general I hit the X next to his name assuming this would remove him from my list...thus making it so I don't have to see his face on a regular basis. Makes sense...right?! Nope!! I received a message that I had "requested to view (his) profile"!! OH SH*T!! I panicked. I started looking all over the site for a place to undo this...but nothing.

 

When I got home about an hour later I logged onto my account through the PC. I still couldn't find how to undo this. All I could think of was how much self control it has taken me to stay away all this time only to blow it with something so completely stupid. When I finally found this "People You Might Know" list again I was able to remove his name and hoped that would cancel any automatic requests I'd sent to him.

 

But that was not the case. The next morning I received an email from xMM's wife...and lets just say it was not friendly.

 

I felt awful...for 2 reasons.

 

First because I promised myself I would never give him the satisfaction in knowing I was still thinking about him...

Second because I've read here so may times that when the OW won't let go and keeps contacting it is extremely unsettling for xMM & his wife as they attempt to make things right.

 

So...I replied. I apologized and then told her pretty much word for word what I said here. It was not intentional and I always intended on respecting her wishes when she asked I not contact them again.

 

Well her reply to that was just awful. I guess I can understand why she might not believe me...but it's been nearly 4 months & I already know where he works. Contacting him like this wouldn't make much sense.

 

I didn't reply again. I figured I'd given my explanation and there really wasn't more to it then that. I don't want to make things any worse and replying blow for blow would have totally done that.

 

Sigh...any advice?

 

Do nothing. You apologized and explained what happened, she didn't believe you. You know in your heart what the truth is, so that is what matters here. Yes, it would have been great if she had been a bit understanding and given you the benefit of doubt but that isn't the case. Nothing you can do or say to her (or to him) to change their minds.

 

Focus on you and put it out of your head.

 

Might want to delete that account and set up a new one.

[Spotme]

Again...perfect example. Same "smart?" phone...how on earth did I end up with a next to the title of this thread?!?!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I imagine that xMM must have forwarded her the "canned" email which is generated as notification for these types of networks. I get how it could seem that I was trying to contact him and I've read enough around here to know that it really didn't matter what I said, continuing to plead my case was only going to make things worse. She's clearly very angry...and rightfully so. I imagine she took the opportunity to say a few things that have been building up since d-day. Though I gotta tell ya...I was very surprised as she showed so much self control back then.

 

So, as another poster said, she's likely monitoring his email and also possibly looked at his profile, logged in as him, both with his agreement. Hypervigilance comes with the territory in the early months after DDay and is often reignited after any setbacks. It dies down as trust is rebuilt. Also, the fact that I can look if I want is a way of feeling for me that I am not being shut out of anything in his/our life anymore. (For the record, all of my stuff has always been completely open to him as well.)

 

As for her anger at you now versus then, well, I can imagine a few reasons. She may have been numb then. She may have felt that she needed to hold on to the last shreds of her dignity through calm behavior. She may honestly not have been angry at you in those moments. The cliche about it being a roller coaster ride is true. In the early days I entertained dozens of directly conflicting feelings and perspectives in the space of an hour. Why might she be angry now? It may just have been that seeing your name triggered her in a post-traumatic stress way. She definitely felt threatened. She may just have been brooding over not having said her piece when she had the chance. Things that upset her may have been stacking up gradually and she had no release for them until this accidental contact. It may have been a relief valve if she's been holding back some anger for her husband. Healing is not a straight line, as you know. Finally, since it's such an emotional situation for her, the logic of it not being the best way for you to contact him doesn't even register, it's simply the fact of any kind of contact.

 

It's good that you recognize you can't fix it or get acknowledgment that you just made a mistake, so I hope this helps you understand a bit why she reacted so badly.

[Goodbye]

Let it go. It was a mistake. Try not to let it happen again.

 

Well, it seems your exMM is living in married bliss...with a choke collar. Fun! Guess he is having a taste of karma.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have a question. Did you mistakenly request to connect and rhen did he/she actually accept the request?

 

Or did you just view his profile?

[who_am_i]

I have a question. Did you mistakenly request to connect and rhen did he/she actually accept the request?

 

Or did you just view his profile?

 

No. As a matter of fact the request which I accidentally sent wasn't even a contact request...it was just a request to view his profile. I never actually herd from him at all regarding this mess...just her. I guess there's a chance that if she's taken charge of his things he may not even be aware what happened. Though, knowing him, I'm quite sure he's doing whatever she's asking.

[who_am_i]

So, as another poster said, she's likely monitoring his email and also possibly looked at his profile, logged in as him, both with his agreement. Hypervigilance comes with the territory in the early months after DDay and is often reignited after any setbacks. It dies down as trust is rebuilt. Also, the fact that I can look if I want is a way of feeling for me that I am not being shut out of anything in his/our life anymore. (For the record, all of my stuff has always been completely open to him as well.)

 

As for her anger at you now versus then, well, I can imagine a few reasons. She may have been numb then. She may have felt that she needed to hold on to the last shreds of her dignity through calm behavior. She may honestly not have been angry at you in those moments. The cliche about it being a roller coaster ride is true. In the early days I entertained dozens of directly conflicting feelings and perspectives in the space of an hour. Why might she be angry now? It may just have been that seeing your name triggered her in a post-traumatic stress way. She definitely felt threatened. She may just have been brooding over not having said her piece when she had the chance. Things that upset her may have been stacking up gradually and she had no release for them until this accidental contact. It may have been a relief valve if she's been holding back some anger for her husband. Healing is not a straight line, as you know. Finally, since it's such an emotional situation for her, the logic of it not being the best way for you to contact him doesn't even register, it's simply the fact of any kind of contact.

 

It's good that you recognize you can't fix it or get acknowledgment that you just made a mistake, so I hope this helps you understand a bit why she reacted so badly.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

I totally understand her desire to monitor him. That said, it was less then 12 hours later (sleeping hours) that I heard from her. With all due respect...doesn't that get exhausting? At the risk of sounding insensitive to her...which I am not (as well as the other BS here on LS)...she knows that there aren't any guarantees that all his emails are being forwarded there, right? I'm sure it must happen that some WHs close one secret email only to open another...not that this is the case in my situation. I am trying to make an attempt to understand how monitoring like this is helpful to the BS.

[DelusionalOne]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

I totally understand her desire to monitor him. That said, it was less then 12 hours later (sleeping hours) that I heard from her. With all due respect...doesn't that get exhausting? At the risk of sounding insensitive to her...which I am not (as well as the other BS here on LS)...she knows that there aren't any guarantees that all his emails are being forwarded there, right? I'm sure it must happen that some WHs close one secret email only to open another...not that this is the case in my situation. I am trying to make an attempt to understand how monitoring like this is helpful to the BS.

 

As a preface... I am answering this only as MY experience as a betrayed spouse.

 

Yes. It is exhausting and time consuming. It can become a full time job and, ultimately it is only minimally helpful. There are hundreds of ways of getting around being watched. The big joke in my family is that "The FBI has nothing on me". I have become an expert at finding things on the internet. But there can always be a new email address, a new social networking venue, a new cell phone...It can drive you crazy. The conclusion that I have come to is if you have to monitor them 24/7 to make sure they are not cheating and being honest you might as well either learn to live with it or throw in the towel. The best thing (IMO) is to ignore the external clues and start focusing on the physical personal clues.... because they are glaringly obvious once you know what to look for.

[who_am_i]

I don't have a choke collar on my H but if OW's anything turned up in our lives again I would be very angry also.

 

I realize you labor under the belief that any MM who goes back to his wife is miserable and somehow was manipulated or forced into it. Why don't you try to have a moment of understanding and realize how it must feel after only four months of R to suddenly see OW's name pop back up in her life again. Not a good feeling and probably sets her back 4 months all over again.

 

I'm not sure if the second half of this was directed towards me at all, but I'd like to just say that I don't think she has him chained to the radiator. I'm certain he is trying to make things right with her by his choice. That said, I also understand that she is pissed! And as I've said before...rightfully so.

 

However, my initial question was why as an OW we constantly are told to stay away? NC means no new hurt...or so they say. It's told that we should ignore his attempt to contact us and we are to search within us for the power of self control. He's chosen his family...you knew what you were doing...now let them work on making things right. So, why then is it ok for a BS to continue contact. She has requested NC with her or her husband...yet she can continues to contact me?! I've made it clear it was unintentional. When do I get to ask for NC...if ever?!?!

[Spotme]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

I totally understand her desire to monitor him. That said, it was less then 12 hours later (sleeping hours) that I heard from her. With all due respect...doesn't that get exhausting? At the risk of sounding insensitive to her...which I am not (as well as the other BS here on LS)...she knows that there aren't any guarantees that all his emails are being forwarded there, right? I'm sure it must happen that some WHs close one secret email only to open another...not that this is the case in my situation. I am trying to make an attempt to understand how monitoring like this is helpful to the BS.

 

I'm sure she does know that there are ways around everything, but hypervigilance is a common reaction to trauma, according to my nonprofessional understanding, and this is the form it takes after the trauma of betrayal. It dies down as trust is rebuilt. As for her timing in responding, it may be that first thing in the morning is her computer time. It could have been meaningless that she responded in that time frame or it could mean she's having a hard time and doing a lot of checking. It's impossible to know which. Seeing your subsequent thread that she keeps emailing you, i am guessing that seeing your name was the straw that broke the camel's back for her and she's spiraling.

 

As for checking up being exhausting, well, it's really the not sleeping, not eating, anger, sadness, and anxiety that you can never trust anyone again that are exhausting. The freedom to verify things with your own two eyes is just one small step within a much larger program of healing and commitment and love that pulls you out of all that.

 

My H is in IT and could have covered his tracks if he really wanted to, he was never disciplined enough. The only thing he ever did was put a password on texting apps and try to remember to erase conversations as he went. He proceeded to unlock apps with that password in front of me so often that I knew what it was just from the pattern and I wasn't even trying to learn it. He also was not very good at remembering to erase things and never deleted any of the emails. His basic habits haven't changed, so getting some new secret email address, using a black texting app, etc. would not likely save him now that I know the personality and behavior changes that are red flags that something is wrong with him. That's just my personal experience though. I rarely look at anything anymore and when I do it's usually just because I am looking for something with a legitimate purpose and I poke around. He likewise goes into my stuff all the time too either looking for something he needs or just to see what I'm up to. Neither of us feels violated by this.

[who_am_i]

I'm sure she does know that there are ways around everything, but hypervigilance is a common reaction to trauma, according to my nonprofessional understanding, and this is the form it takes after the trauma of betrayal. It dies down as trust is rebuilt. As for her timing in responding, it may be that first thing in the morning is her computer time. It could have been meaningless that she responded in that time frame or it could mean she's having a hard time and doing a lot of checking. It's impossible to know which. Seeing your subsequent thread that she keeps emailing you, i am guessing that seeing your name was the straw that broke the camel's back for her and she's spiraling.

 

As for checking up being exhausting, well, it's really the not sleeping, not eating, anger, sadness, and anxiety that you can never trust anyone again that are exhausting. The freedom to verify things with your own two eyes is just one small step within a much larger program of healing and commitment and love that pulls you out of all that.

 

My H is in IT and could have covered his tracks if he really wanted to, he was never disciplined enough. The only thing he ever did was put a password on texting apps and try to remember to erase conversations as he went. He proceeded to unlock apps with that password in front of me so often that I knew what it was just from the pattern and I wasn't even trying to learn it. He also was not very good at remembering to erase things and never deleted any of the emails. His basic habits haven't changed, so getting some new secret email address, using a black texting app, etc. would not likely save him now that I know the personality and behavior changes that are red flags that something is wrong with him. That's just my personal experience though. I rarely look at anything anymore and when I do it's usually just because I am looking for something with a legitimate purpose and I poke around. He likewise goes into my stuff all the time too either looking for something he needs or just to see what I'm up to. Neither of us feels violated by this.

 

I'm happy to hear that things have worked out for the two of you and thankful that you have taken the time to help me understand what she's going through.