leonnardo Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I've been with this woman for almost 11 years now, 8 years being together and more than 2 years apart. She broke up with me last January saying she's not happy with the relationship anymore and especially us being apart. I was thinking she only needed time to think about us and realize how important I was to her that is why I agreed to what she wanted to happen. Came February, I called her and asked her if she's happy without me or maybe she had an epiphany about how significant our relationship really is. But I found out that she met this guy and told me that she really liked him but I said I understand that things like that happen and I was really confident that this is just a phase in our relationship. March, I went back home to meet her and was hoping to reconcile thing between us. But what I found out shocked me. She already had this guy as her boyfriend and she confessed she already is having sex with him. Is it really that easy to throw away 10 years of being together? Of course I understand that there are some things that I can't give to her because of the LDR. We lose intimacy, I am not there to take care of her when she needs me, etc. But is it really that easy? Mid-march, she broke up with the guy, telling me all those things she did to me was a mistake, and wants me back. I told her and she agreed that what she did to me, all the pain and suffering, lost trust and respect, it would be very hard or might even be impossible to forget. So my question is, How will I ever start a relationship again with this woman that I love for many years? Knowing what she did and what she is capable of doing. Can anyone give me any advice on how to forget the things that happened?
2sunny Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Why haven't you married in all those years? When is the LD supposed to end so you can be with her? Any person - wont wait forever- what's your plan been? 1
justwhoiam Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Is it really that easy to throw away 10 years of being together? I suppose her decisions were not made overnight. It's not easy... but maybe you were just like a brother? Of course I understand that there are some things that I can't give to her because of the LDR. We lose intimacy, I am not there to take care of her when she needs me, etc. But is it really that easy? I guess you let distance grow too much. I don't know what efforts you made to keep her... But the way you handled the situation when she told you she liked another guy... You seemed so OK with it... I wouldn't have felt you cared at all. At that point, she jumped into this new relationship, when she could have waited... but probably she felt there was nothing from you anymore. You accelerated the process. And it evidently was a bad decision, if she broke up with him soon after. How will I ever start a relationship again with this woman that I love for many years? Well, first thing, you need to answer 2sunny's questions. how to forget the things that happened? By accepting you made mistakes too. And knowing that you were not a couple when she was having another boyfriend. How old are you both? 1
Author leonnardo Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 2sunny, We were planning the marriage when I get back home in a year. The LD is supposed to end in 3 years after I get done with my job in Spain. I wasn't planning on making her wait forever. The time frame for me is reasonable for someone to wait if we're planning to have a future together. justwhoiam, I made effort to win her back. But most of my calls and messages were neglected. I was not okay with her telling me she likes another guy, I am not embarrassed to say I cried whenever I talked to her. The technicality that she had sex while we were broken up while she said that she still loves me, does it make the idea valid/acceptable? I am 26 and she's 29. Thanks for the posts.
justwhoiam Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 The technicality that she had sex while we were broken up while she said that she still loves me, does it make the idea valid/acceptable? I guess. Anyway, now she needs to win your love back... give yourself a few months and see how it goes. In case you decide to have a relationship with her again, make it clear that breaks from each other are out of question. You need to see if she really loves you. Or if she got back to you just because she has no one else now. What would have happened in 3 years? Were you going to move to where she lives? If so, did you need to find work there with possible unemployed time?
Els Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Ouch. No easy answer for this. Yeah, losing a 11 year R must be devastating. You're pretty strong to be coping reasonably well with it (from what I can gather from your posts). On the other hand, 2+3 years of LDR (presuming that's what you meant), regardless of marital status, is incredibly difficult to handle as well. I did 2 years of LDR, and the final portion of it stressed us to the limit. After a while the constant separation, the inability to do so many things together that most RL couples take for granted, starts to eat at you. Some have higher tolerance for it than others. I don't blame your ex for finding the prospect of 3 more years of distance daunting, especially after having already done 2. So, I don't think you should forget the things that happened. They happened for a reason and they clearly demonstrate that she is not willing to do the distance anymore. IMO, you should move on instead, as hard as it sounds.
HeavenOrHell Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Not everyone wants to get married, even if they are with the right person. Marriage has never appealed to me, it's just not my 'thing'. But the distance does need to end at some point. Why haven't you married in all those years? When is the LD supposed to end so you can be with her? Any person - wont wait forever- what's your plan been?
FitChick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 You have grown up together and have now grown apart. Time to find a mature woman and have a mature relationship leading to marriage.
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