IJustWantLove Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 (edited) Ive been divorced for 6 years now. Dated lots of women, had four girlfriends of 6 months plus and think I've found the one. I'm 43, she's 28. We started dating 2 years ago. Since that time, I've broken up with her several times only to eventually get back together. Last summer, she dumped me and ran back to her ex-boyfriend. It nearly killed me. Then, one of her friends stepped forward to expose all the cheating she had been up to behind my back. That REALLY messed me up. Bad. We got back together after a two month break up and were together every night for six months. Then the ex-ex-girlfriend showed back up on the scene with one of her neverending text messages (with zero encouragement from me btw) and we split up again 6 weeks ago. We continued to see each other two or three times per week. Then, about two weeks ago, I told her about my insecurities, I was getting sixth sense stuff. She cut me off by text message the following day, which makes me assume that another guy has entered the picture. Could be my imagination. But I finally tried to contact her two days ago and she's had the phone company block my number. I suspect she blocked it to protect her heart. I called from my business line yesterday and left a vm telling her how much I miss her and love her. She's not responding. The issue is that I've hurt her over and over again with all these little breakups. I've treated her poorly and I see that now. She says I have Clooney syndrome. Truth is, I've been very afraid of becoming the eternal boyfriend who never asks her to marry. So at six months, I pulled away. Then again, a few times in the spring. Then again and again and now finally, Tuesday will be the 2 year anniversary of our first date. And that's got a lot to do with this current breakup. I love being with this girl. We've never once fought or argued. Ever. I look at what I want in a woman, she's got it all. Perfect height, check. Non-smoker, check. No tattoos, check. No kids, check. Doesn't hang out in bars, check. Belief in Jesus, check. She never tries to tell me how to run my life and get into my business, check. Positive, upbeat attitude and always smiling, check. No history of divorce in her family tree, check. I know she's perfect for me. Sound sleeper who doesn't wake me, check. That's the good stuff. Now, the bad. Her family isn't going to like this, because, who wants their daughter to marry a divorced guy with two kids? She had a boyfriend the entire time she was throwing herself at me, slept with me on the first date and continued to see both of us. She's told me a story about her sexual past with a fwb that I can't stand thinking about. And of course, going back to the first six months, she said she wanted me to be with her on her birthday. As part of my "planned" commitment-phobe six month mark break up, I made plans to go to Vegas without her. Which then seemed to trigger all kinds of disgusting cheating behind my back, which ended when I dumped her again and the we got back together after a three week breakup. There is certainly a trust issue, but if she's gonna be in my bed every night as my wife, I don't think there's much to worry about. None of my friends are encouraging this. Theyre all trying to talk me down. My daughter said she's ok with it. My son too. I don't like being single. I don't want more notches on my bed post. I sleep better with a woman in my bed. I don't want a prettier girl. I realize no other girl can equal her. Period. I joined a dotcom dating site for the first time since the divorce 10 days ago. I'm quickly realizing that the women with no kids are few and far between. Add the rest of the list of things I want, and it's very clear this girl is the one. I plan to leave a card on her door with a hand written letter, asking her to meet me at the site of our first date, one the two year anniversary. Thats where, I'll pop the question. If she shows. I'm scared to death right now, but feel like I need to take this chance before this opportunity is gone forever. I'm so in love with this girl. Would love to get some female feedback on my plan to get her back and pop the question all at once. Also, she's hardly spoken to her father over the last two years, so I've never met him. Should I go meet him and tell him my plan beforehand? Edited June 2, 2013 by IJustWantLove
kassy Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I agree with your friends, you are stupid to marry her. You break up with each other all the time, your relationship started when she had a boyfriend, she has cheated on you... I mean so if you ask her to marry you you think suddenly you two will become an amazing couple and all the problems will go away? Listen to your friends. They are your friends because they love you and want the best for you. If they all agree... Then that should make you pause and reevaluate 1
Author IJustWantLove Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 After we got back together last fall, like I said, we were together every night, in the same bed, for six months. There were zero problems, zero arguments, I was totally happy. The two year mark was fast approaching and I was the one who broke up with her at the first excuse that came along. Me and my commitment-phobe issues are to blame entirely. Yes, she cheated on me, but I did the same every time I went to Vegas without her. Only difference is, I didn't get caught. The difference, now, is, I realize that those "guys" trips to Vegas and elsewhere were hollow and lacking. I now realize, that I want her with me on those trips, and at all times. Last fall when she dumped me and we were broken up for two months, my ego was shattered. It was hell going thru that. But now I know, I don't need to bed as many women as possible, whereas, six years ago, that was the only priority...feed the ego. Now I know that, honestly, I don't care that much about looks, it's her personality that I'm in love with. A few years ago, looks were everything to me. I've matured a lot. I guess what I'm saying, is, I honestly can't cast too much blame on any girl for behaving the way she did given the guy she was dealing with. I've matured a lot over the years and especially since last fall. It's time for me to be a man, and lead my woman the way she wants and deserves to be lead. I just have to face my fear of commitment by realizing that I'm happiest when she is in my life. If I take all my breakups out of the picture, would she have still cheated? I don't know. But I'm thinking I'm gonna take the chance with her and buy the ring. I just hope it's not too little too late.
c57dood Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Don't do it dude! Save yourself some money and a TON of heartache! This woman sounds like straight poison! 1
veggirl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Ugh sounds like you guys deserve each other. Why are your friends so against it, don't you think there's some stock in their opinion...you're pretty hellbent on this us against the world thing which is very immature....that and the fact that you just are incapable of being alone. 2 yes of cheating and break ups isn't fixed in 6 mos of okay times. I think you're signing up for your 2nd divorce tbh.
soccerrprp Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 IJustWantLove, You're not thinking, man. I don't know about your LS name, but I am also thinking that you should change it to IJustWantPain&Regret. Really, you're making a mistake. She may want you for security, but based on her past, go somewhere else for some extra-curricular stuff. Ugh. Good luck.
veggirl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Also doesn't it strike you as a tad inappropriate/dramatic/not smart to propose MARRIAGE to a girl who isn't even speaking to you? I fail to see how marriage would fix the huge problems in your relationship.
KatZee Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 To be quite honest, this is prime example of why the divorce rate is so damn high. Such a toxic environment, fighting, break up, get back together, break up, get back together... and you think 6 months of "good times" is enough to tell you that you guys should get married? This is a divorce waiting to happen. And the fact that marriage is one of the biggest decisions, and one of the most financially crippling things that can happen in the case of divorce, I'm shocked you're not a bit more hesitant about it. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 My parents dated up to living together and did the make up break up thing for 10 years before they got married. They have been married for 33 years now. So, stranger things have worked out.
Kelemvor Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Ive been divorced for 6 years now. Dated lots of women, had four girlfriends of 6 months plus and think I've found the one. I'm 43, she's 28. We started dating 2 years ago. Since that time, I've broken up with her several times only to eventually get back together. Last summer, she dumped me and ran back to her ex-boyfriend. It nearly killed me. Then, one of her friends stepped forward to expose all the cheating she had been up to behind my back. That REALLY messed me up. Bad. We got back together after a two month break up and were together every night for six months. Then the ex-ex-girlfriend showed back up on the scene with one of her neverending text messages (with zero encouragement from me btw) and we split up again 6 weeks ago. We continued to see each other two or three times per week. Then, about two weeks ago, I told her about my insecurities, I was getting sixth sense stuff. She cut me off by text message the following day, which makes me assume that another guy has entered the picture. Could be my imagination. But I finally tried to contact her two days ago and she's had the phone company block my number. I suspect she blocked it to protect her heart. I called from my business line yesterday and left a vm telling her how much I miss her and love her. She's not responding. The issue is that I've hurt her over and over again with all these little breakups. I've treated her poorly and I see that now. She says I have Clooney syndrome. Truth is, I've been very afraid of becoming the eternal boyfriend who never asks her to marry. So at six months, I pulled away. Then again, a few times in the spring. Then again and again and now finally, Tuesday will be the 2 year anniversary of our first date. And that's got a lot to do with this current breakup. I love being with this girl. We've never once fought or argued. Ever. I look at what I want in a woman, she's got it all. Perfect height, check. Non-smoker, check. No tattoos, check. No kids, check. Doesn't hang out in bars, check. Belief in Jesus, check. She never tries to tell me how to run my life and get into my business, check. Positive, upbeat attitude and always smiling, check. No history of divorce in her family tree, check. I know she's perfect for me. Sound sleeper who doesn't wake me, check. That's the good stuff. Now, the bad. Her family isn't going to like this, because, who wants their daughter to marry a divorced guy with two kids? She had a boyfriend the entire time she was throwing herself at me, slept with me on the first date and continued to see both of us. She's told me a story about her sexual past with a fwb that I can't stand thinking about. And of course, going back to the first six months, she said she wanted me to be with her on her birthday. As part of my "planned" commitment-phobe six month mark break up, I made plans to go to Vegas without her. Which then seemed to trigger all kinds of disgusting cheating behind my back, which ended when I dumped her again and the we got back together after a three week breakup. There is certainly a trust issue, but if she's gonna be in my bed every night as my wife, I don't think there's much to worry about. None of my friends are encouraging this. Theyre all trying to talk me down. My daughter said she's ok with it. My son too. I don't like being single. I don't want more notches on my bed post. I sleep better with a woman in my bed. I don't want a prettier girl. I realize no other girl can equal her. Period. I joined a dotcom dating site for the first time since the divorce 10 days ago. I'm quickly realizing that the women with no kids are few and far between. Add the rest of the list of things I want, and it's very clear this girl is the one. I plan to leave a card on her door with a hand written letter, asking her to meet me at the site of our first date, one the two year anniversary. Thats where, I'll pop the question. If she shows. I'm scared to death right now, but feel like I need to take this chance before this opportunity is gone forever. I'm so in love with this girl. Would love to get some female feedback on my plan to get her back and pop the question all at once. Also, she's hardly spoken to her father over the last two years, so I've never met him. Should I go meet him and tell him my plan beforehand? You're post reels of relational instability and toxic interactions combined with probably a great deal of middle aged crisis syndrome with the willingness to make an incredibly impulsive (and likely foolish) decision based on your less desirable albeit imagined future. Just stand back and listen to yourself describe this tumultuous relationship. Listen to yourself talk about getting on a dating website 10 days prior to considering a ring/engagement. Your criteria may be met, but that doesn't mean you are ready and it doesn't mean that this is the one. I'm divorced and a few years younger than you but not as far out from it as you are and not done doing the single thing. I got married impulsively for a few similar reasons to someone that I didn't feel a quiet internal peace about marrying but "fit the list of criteria" or so I thought at the time. Don't be foolish. You're young, likely suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome and I would not want to be the guy who goes through life with several failed marriages. Take your time and find someone that you feel at peace about marrying and where the state of the relationship is not quite so tumultuous. You might be tempted as I was to freely admit to yourself that "I've got issues... and need to overcome them, so I'm going to get married and do just that...". The problem is that you're 43. Any issues that you have at this point, as I had in my mid thirties are deeply ingrained and not going anywhere overnight.
Balzac Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 We've never once fought or argued. I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement after reading your story.
Author IJustWantLove Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 No, we have never faught once. We've never even raised our voices at each other. ALL of the breakups were a function of my own commitment issues. The "game plan" after the divorce was to date women for six months or so and then go on to the next. I see now that this stupid "game plan" is not going to keep me happy. That said, I've come to my senses today. I'm not going through with it. I've got to move on. I wish I could bottle up the way I feel right now and once I get back to that way of thinking with the next girl (it's time to break up, it's been six months, it's been a year, etc), if I could just relive these feelings and remember clearly, that would help.
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