No Passion Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Alright where to start. I've never done this before but here goes. I am 30 years old and have had 3 real relationships.... as in lasted 6 months at least. The first one was really bad and dysfunctional. She was manic depressive and bipolar which made for a rollarcoaster of a relationship. She was my first girlfriend so I stayed with her way too long. (3 years) The one thing we had though was passion. Lively debates (which more often than not turned into arguements) and great sex. I finally ended things when they got way out of hand. The second girl I dated lasted for only 6 months and there was little passion or intellectual stimulation for me. She treated me great and we got along very well. I just didn't think that she was the one so I ended things. I might have done so prematurely but we didn't have the same value system and so I didn't see the point in prolonging the inevitable. The third girl is the one that I am currently seeing. We don't have any passion in our relationship. First of all, I don't think she sees us as equals...as in she thinks I'm too good for her. She has low self esteem and comes from a family with serious issues in the past. She is afraid to challenge me on anything or disagree with me on even the most trivial of topics for fear that I might get upset even though I've never gotten upset and in fact encourage her to challenge me in the hopes that we might have a lively and fun debate. She treates me like gold and is a wonderful and giving person in every respect, but yet there is something missing. She is a smart girl, but she is not as intellectual as myself and has told me that she is intimidated by me in this respect as well as other areas as she says I do every thing better than she can do. We work for the same company and she is a perfect fit for me in many ways but yet I am not content. I learned a long time ago that people are who they are and rarely change (myself incuded) I know that the term soulmate is an overused cliche, but I am wondering if am being to idealistic to expect to find someone that stimulates me intellectually and physically? The way I see it is that I enjoyed incredible passion with my first love and would like to feel the same way now. But at the same time I see most of my friends settling down and getting married. I would like to know if I am being unrealistic? Is it me that's the problem? Or am I on to something here?
gwennebe Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 I'm the same way or in the same boat. I cant' ever seem to find someone that is just right. I'm either attracted to them and they are nasty people or I'm not attractecd to them and they are head over heels for me. I don't know what to tell you. I guess follow your instincts and what your heart says. You usually can't go wrong that way. It's hard finding someone that compares to my ex. We also had so much passion and chemistry and a lot in common but he was not a very nice person and had a TON of issues that ruined the relationship. Don't settle down though just because your friends are. That isn't what marriage should be about.. because you feel pressured to do it. Good luck.
kellyp1 Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 I have gone from having lots of the safe ones to a passion heavy one. No comparison - with him the good and bad are so much more intense. And making up after a disagreement is through the roof. I am aware of my feelings more so than with anyone prior. After experiencing this, I would never be able to go back to passionless. With that said, follow your heart. Don't short change yourself but don't go after others expectations either. When it is right for you, you will know.h
SoleMate Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Your first gf had manic phases (btw, manic depressive == bipolar; the terms are synonymous). Typically, manic people are very fun to be around; high energy, full of ideas and impulsive hijinks. (Was your first gf by any chance a fast-cycling manic depressive?) Mania sets an unusually high standard for anyone else to compete with. Do make sure you are not comparing anyone to that impossibly, unsustainably high period. We don't have any passion in our relationship...I am not content. This is your honest, authentic feeling. My advice: Don't EVER marry someone if you have doubts of this type. When you decide to marry, it should only be because you feel a very strong bond and idealization of the other person. You need that baseline to help you through the rough patches. Otherwise, when she puts on weight and gets wrapped up in the kids, and when you start losing your hair and folding into your shell, there is no click and no spark to motivate it both out of you again. Don't marry unless both of you are fully "bought into" each other. I'm sure you're aware that biological clock ticking * I don't think she sees us as equals...as in she thinks I'm too good for her * She has low self esteem * She comes from a family with serious issues in the past * She is afraid to challenge me on anything...even though...I encourage her to challenge me in the hopes that we might have a lively and fun debate * there is something missing. * she is not as intellectual as myself and has told me that * she is intimidated by me in this respect as well as other areas as she says I do every thing better than she can do * she is a perfect fit for me in many ways but... That's quite a laundry list. That last "but" says it all. You don't fully respect her, and she does not feel that she is worthy of your respect. Believe me, if you two got married, in X years you will be very susceptible to emotional and/or physical affairs, trying to get your need for an intellectually stimulating companion met. And then the heartbreak will come...when you DO meet that person...and you cannot be with her without causing lots of unnecessary guilt and pain. I don't believe "soulmates" exist (look at my screen name - it's a humorous riff on the constant reference to them, usually be seriously deluded OW), but I do know that it is possible to find a partner who really trips your trigger in the way you are looking for. Just don't overspecify - that perfect intellectual companion may not have ALL the good attributes you are enjoying in your current gf. It's OK for you to say that she is a lovely person with many great qualities who would make someone a fine wife...just not you. She'll be crushed, and you will also suffer a great deal. But that's better than doing it down the road, or worse yet, retreating into a loveless and sexless marriage.
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