Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I think it will take longer than 30 days personally, to be able to be friends or even consider it. I would need at least a year of No Contact to be able to be "friends" with an ex I once was in love with. Especially if we were once serious about each other and the relationship. Also, once we both had partners it would be better. Or if we were both single. Otherwise, one person could catch wind of old feelings, and the other person will either; be in the position to reciprocate, or you would both be in love with new people anyway. I really do think people can be friends, but only much later on! I mean, my ex though I was an awesome person, and I think he is a really interesting person to be around so in the distance future, I would actually like to have them as a friend.
lost.girl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Its OK : )) Yes its awful and yes he does have them. No I always had more pride then I should so I won't settle for second best. Will it be worth NC it is what am unsure about and once again coming at worth for whom what and why. Over for good who cares about NC am only punishing myself No or perhaps maybe sometimes later OK why suffer then once I figure this out it will all be much clearer if not easier. Im sorta of going through the same thing at the moment. My ex messages me everyday as we are trying "the friend route" And to be honest nothing has changed other than the i love you at the end of the messages. It's a mind**** and I need to go NC but Im right with you, its so hard when it seems they are just the same as before. Good luck to you, Im going NC myself because I can't move on like this.
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 My apologies as well Bluegreen. It's a tough situation when the dumper is so very kind and seems to still have the feelings for you. Would definately go NC as hard as it is with them seeing behaving so caring you don't want them to think you are ok with settling for runner up in love contest. Good luck it's a tough one Well said. My last guy and I parted on excellent terms, with mutual affection, kindness and respect. Our friendship was a victim of timing - we met too late. I agree, ending things with someone when you do care for, and even love them, is way worse than ending things with someone you don't have those feelings for. It doesn't make NC any less the right path though. I have banged on about this repeatedly, but sometimes when we love someone, we have to let them go. And it's the hardest thing we ever do - but the right thing is never easy. 1
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Im sorta of going through the same thing at the moment. My ex messages me everyday as we are trying "the friend route" And to be honest nothing has changed other than the i love you at the end of the messages. It's a mind**** and I need to go NC but Im right with you, its so hard when it seems they are just the same as before. Good luck to you, Im going NC myself because I can't move on like this. How long has this been going on ?
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 The 30 days I'm advising bluegreen to try is not to decide if she wants to be friends or not. It's just to create some distance to help curb some of the emotion in the decision, and allow more rationality and logic to move into its place. It's just a breather. 30 days will make a world of difference to the rational/emotional balance in this situation.
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Have you told your exes exactly how you feel on the matter of friendship? I literally told my ex: your stupid if you even think that is possible. As if I want to be your friend when I still have romantic feelings towards you!!!! I also said: " it is completely stupid to be friends if I have romantic love towards you, and you do not feel the same way towards me; why on EARTH would I want to be around you while you move on to other women, when I am stuck on you with romantic feelings? A lot of guys do not get it and need you to spell it out for them. Other guys just do not care how you feel about it. In my case, the ex feels romantically strong towards me still so it is not a friendship we have right now, or it would NOT work (if one of us felt platonic, where a the other one felt romantic feelings) Does that make sense, OP? For friendship to occur, you BOTH Have to feel indifferent to the other person sleeping with other people.
lost.girl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 How long has this been going on ? A month now Truth is Im at an ok place about it but everyone once in awhile I forget we aren't together because everything is still the same and I get my feelings hurt all over again. It's not his fault its mine so I can only be angry at myself. I don't want to be his friend, he loads of fun and all and knows me like the back of his hand but at the end of the day that makes it worse. He knows your soul and he doesn't love it. It's a hard pill to swallow and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy
BustedUpInside Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Im sorta of going through the same thing at the moment. My ex messages me everyday as we are trying "the friend route" And to be honest nothing has changed other than the i love you at the end of the messages. It's a mind**** and I need to go NC but Im right with you, its so hard when it seems they are just the same as before. Good luck to you, Im going NC myself because I can't move on like this. This right here! This is exactly what No Contact is for. It is not about cutting the other person off, it's not about drama, it's not about sending a message, it's not about making the ex miss you, and it's not about "cold turkey" because emotional ties cannot really be severed like that. What it does is give you some breathing space to sort out your feelings. Do you really still love your ex or do you just miss the relationship? Can you really be friends or are you just using the close proximity to try to manipulate your ex back into a relationship? Can you live without this person in your life? Can you be an "I" instead of a "we"? Are there other people out there who would be a better fit? NC gives you the opportunity to feel how you want without having to pretend or make concessions to your ex in the name of remaining friends. Break ups really really hurt and you should be able to feel that hurt without having to try and act like like it didn't matter so there won't be any "awkward" moments where you profess your love and your ex has to explain that the relationship is over. No one is saying that you have to never ever speak to your ex again, but if you want to break the cycle of being at their beck and call because you are still harboring hope, then you should try it for awhile. Maybe a month, maybe more. What's the worst that can happen? Either you will see that it was a good decision and then just keep moving forward, or you will both see how much you really do mean to each other and then you can work it out from there as equals. 3
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 So he does not feel anything for you anymore Or does but just does not want relationship ?
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 A month now Truth is Im at an ok place about it but everyone once in awhile I forget we aren't together because everything is still the same and I get my feelings hurt all over again. It's not his fault its mine so I can only be angry at myself. I don't want to be his friend, he loads of fun and all and knows me like the back of his hand but at the end of the day that makes it worse. He knows your soul and he doesn't love it. It's a hard pill to swallow and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy 30 days, lostgirl, give it a go. See what happens. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 This is all excellent advice. My ex and I are not trying to move on as yet because we still love each other and want to enjoy it for a limited period of time. What everyone else is saying is 100% true about the actions one needs to take in order to move on. Bustedupinsdie is so right: being friends will likely lead to one person being at the beck and call of the other person, seeing as friendship is never one sided UNLESS it has been a long time since the break up. Hence why I am not going to attempt the "friend" thing until I no longer care when they bang new people and vice versa.
lost.girl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 So he does not feel anything for you anymore Or does but just does not want relationship ? Oh he says he loves me... as a friend! And I believe he truly does but that isn't how he used to love me. Something changed, he saw too much of my soul, I really don't know but you can't go from "I love you, your everything" to "Hey buddy, Im in such a good mood today. How are you"..... I LOVE YOU!!!! THATS HOW I AM!!! lol bit dramatic but you get the idea
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 That's more or less what I told him when I said to NC. But when asked he admitted he still did not get over me. No its not dramatic at all its right to the point and easy to understand 1
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Oh he says he loves me... as a friend! And I believe he truly does but that isn't how he used to love me. Something changed, he saw too much of my soul, I really don't know but you can't go from "I love you, your everything" to "Hey buddy, Im in such a good mood today. How are you"..... I LOVE YOU!!!! THATS HOW I AM!!! lol bit dramatic but you get the idea That change doesn't happen in a day. It happened before he broke up with you. The dumper always grieves the relationship before the break up. The dumpee grieves after. Unless you know you have to end it and are still in love with them. Then both parties grieve after. 1
BustedUpInside Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 That's more or less what I told him when I said to NC. But when asked he admitted he still did not get over me. No its not dramatic at all its right to the point and easy to understand I am not trying to undermine your feelings or relationship, but even if he says that he is not over you, he hasn't made any attempts to reconcile. The drama comes from the fact that he wants to be just friends, but I don't think that you will be able to do that. It would be extremely hard not to hold out hope for the relationship if he is still giving you attention. However, it doesn't really seem like you want to try No Contact. It seems more like you would like to get validation for staying friends. Unfortunately, a lot of people on this site have tried that route and it hasn't turned out anything like they hoped, so you won't find a lot of support for that route. I am not saying that it could never work out, but I wouldn't bet money on being the exception. 2
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 No he did not and am not saying that he will because am not sure at all about it we did not talked until now. If he does not if he does not which could very likely be case I will have to deal with it and decide on trying harder on NC of course.
lost.girl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I am not trying to undermine your feelings or relationship, but even if he says that he is not over you, he hasn't made any attempts to reconcile. The drama comes from the fact that he wants to be just friends, but I don't think that you will be able to do that. It would be extremely hard not to hold out hope for the relationship if he is still giving you attention. However, it doesn't really seem like you want to try No Contact. It seems more like you would like to get validation for staying friends. Unfortunately, a lot of people on this site have tried that route and it hasn't turned out anything like they hoped, so you won't find a lot of support for that route. I am not saying that it could never work out, but I wouldn't bet money on being the exception. Right on the money there Im afraid. He says he isn't over you BUT he doesn't love you enough to stick it out and keep trying romantically. I know what your thinking cause it's the same thing Im thinking. If I could just keep him in my life and show him how great I am by bettering myself and being more fun he gonna fall for me all over again. Or something of that ilk. Truth is he walked away from you, can you ever really trust him again after that? If he was dumb enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let him go. It's like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it. Advice that I am finally taking because the friend option hurts almost as much as the break up 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 OP - Forgive me as I just skipped to the end, as this story has been bludgeoned to death on this site many times and there is always one clear answer that makes sense. And that is NC. Now, of course, there are those who will say otherwise, but I encourage you to look at the sources of all info about this topic. Search usernames and read the posts by those involved. There are some patterns from certain posters who you may discover are not as credible as first thought. See for yourself. Not sure if TaraMaiden was up in this mix as I didn't read all 5 pages, but her signature contains not only the complete NC guide, but many stories from those who went against the grain and suffered greatly. BTW - I'm not only a NC believer, I am over 75 days deep 2
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 OP - Forgive me as I just skipped to the end, as this story has been bludgeoned to death on this site many times and there is always one clear answer that makes sense. And that is NC. Now, of course, there are those who will say otherwise, but I encourage you to look at the sources of all info about this topic. Search usernames and read the posts by those involved. There are some patterns from certain posters who you may discover are not as credible as first thought. See for yourself. Not sure if TaraMaiden was up in this mix as I didn't read all 5 pages, but her signature contains not only the complete NC guide, but many stories from those who went against the grain and suffered greatly. BTW - I'm not only a NC believer, I am over 75 days deep Well said, as always. 1
Giha Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Thanks for helping me getting my head back together, metal chick. I've been doing rather well in this last week. Tomorrow marks 1 month since BU and today isn't going so good. Was even entertaining the notion of making contact and trying to be friends even though I know it won't ever work. Reading this thread helped me get a grip of reality again. So yeah, just wanted to say thanks. 3
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Thanks for helping me getting my head back together, metal chick. I've been doing rather well in this last week. Tomorrow marks 1 month since BU and today isn't going so good. Was even entertaining the notion of making contact and trying to be friends even though I know it won't ever work. Reading this thread helped me get a grip of reality again. So yeah, just wanted to say thanks. Hey mate, you're welcome. Oh, I waver all the time! Wavering is ok, so long as you don't cave. If a friendship is possible, then it will happen when you're ready. There's no expiration on a friendship, and if it's meant to be, NC won't damage its chances. Good for you, for being strong. :-) 2
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 WoW 4 pages by now it does make things bit better to know am not alone in this. Actually am not thinking if I do this if If I do that will he won't he I am who I always was and NO I would not act play or fake being something else not even for him. He would also see right trough it so why embarrass myself like that 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Good. Because I do not want to tell other people to delay No Contact in the manner in which I am doing. It is not a good thing to do and I know this. Anyway I hope the OP does not consider being his friend until she is comfortable with the idea of him being with other girls (seeing as this will happen if they stay "friends") A year or more I think. Before indifference sets in surrounding them and new sexual partners. Heck, even then, some people will not be thrilled at the thought. I think moving onto a new love one day, is the only thing that can 100% make you NOT sting a teeny bit. By then most people would not care enough about their exes to even want to be friends, I would guess, if they did No Contact properly.
lost.girl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 At the end of the day Bluegreen it comes down to one thing. Do you want to reconcile? Go NC so you don't get stuck in friendzone. Do you want to remain friends? Go NC so your heart can heal and you can detach emotionally from him. It's the same answer 5
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I got ya girl No am not ready for making up so that mean's NC or very limited if any. NO am even less ready to see or hear about him and someone else NC I guess again. All in all less is more in this case yes I know so I stumbled took a fall but I did managed few weeks its something right but year sounds like LOT even month now sounds like a lot and is freaking LOT. Where is that head banging smiley when girl needs one 2
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