bluegreen Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 A really nice smart girl here wrote a lot on this and it made lots sense to many. But is NC really the right way to get over break up we suffer tortures of damned is that really right way to go? If you both have a feelings for each other and friendship was genuinely offered would it really be wrong to accept it days and months of pain and hurt or moving on slowly getting like of the drugs so to say? Loving and being with someone is like habit I never heard of quitting something cold turkey seems more like some f... up psycho game of who will be more in control not way to get someone back? Yes NC is for US not them but its not helping then what !!! they are not dead we see them one way or another or will its not like we can erase months or years with them ? Am most proud person in a world and it cuts me to the bone thinking of him moving on but it hurts even worse not ever having him around again what serves me pride right now? Am being once again offered same thing what the hell do I do? Limited contact no contact suffering and hurting for months from now until I move on or choose to be around him and as I said do this little by little ?
bal0926 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I was seriously just thinking about this concept. Is it right to go completely cold turkey? Doesn't that make it harder than just slowly letting go of that person over time, until you simply don't have feelings for them anymore. I am in a new city, by myself, and without any friends. My ex-bf is my best friend. I feel like I should have limited contact with him so that I don't go insane from loneliness while still finding myself and preparing my heart for someone else if need be.
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I know this is exactly what am thinking to they where our friends as lovers as well. And unless they where slime and psychos this has to hurt them to yes pride roars NO but once again will pride dry tears or easy up hurt? Somehow I think that more we deny this more it will hurt and more we will want it its like dieting right? I don't wanna talk myself into anything I just wanna do the right thing and to stop hurting or at least hurt less .
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Let me break it down for you. NC is more painful in the SHORT term. It is agonising, but it is finite and ends after a period of time (if you make sure you keep busy and don't wallow). 3 months is the general time frame. It takes 12 weeks to break a habit and form a new one. You can't "gradually" let go of an ex by being their friend. If you loved them deeply, it is torture to have them hanging around. It's a withdrawal that never ends. It goes on indefinitely. Look, I get it. I've tried it all. I've tried be being friends, I've tried reconciling, I've tried it all. The only way you have a chance of being friends with an ex, is to cut them off cold turkey. The only chance you have of getting an ex back, is to cut them off cold turkey. The only way to get over them and make yourself the best possible you for your next relationship, is to cut them off cold turkey. What you are proposing, does not work. Try it and see. Come back and tell us how it goes. I promise I will not say "I told you so." I speak from experience. I'm currently NC right now. I miss his friendship desperately. I feel like there's a hole in my chest. But it had to be done. He and I will be better off. No Contact is gospel. Do it, for your own sanity. 6
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 You are the smart girl nice I was talking about : )) Am not saying am gonna accept it all am saying is that this hurts more than I can bear and I want to do the right thing I want to start breathing again. Am not even actually thinking so much of going back he has hurt me deeply and knows it all am thinking about is stopping the pain of that cold turkey quit. If nothing is ever gonna happen why suffer then if something is once again why suffer and hurt life is hard enough then it is. But I get your point of view to I really do but months of this What if it lasts a year ? I want to live and I can't with this same hole you mentioned : (((
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Thank you. :-) A relationship needs to be nurtured. When it's not nurtured, it fades. Think about the times that you've had friends and grown apart. You don't speak to them anymore. Does it hurt? I would guess not. It just feels neutral. It's the same with a relationship. The only reason it would last a year is if you dwell on out. If you get out there with your friends, or make some new ones, if you take up a hobby, if you live for yourself, go on some dates, and absolutely don't go anywhere near your ex's social media sites, it will fade. You'll think about them less, you'll move on, you'll meet someone new. Do you really want to hang around your ex while he's saying some other girl? Or going to date some other girl in the future? No thanks. Ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know. I'd rather focus on myself...
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 The first couple of weeks of NC are brutal. I cried every day. I just wanted a fix. And I was the one who ended things! But 2 months in, I'm doing better. I still think about him, I still miss him, but I don't cry. I just shrug it off and keep going. It gets easier. 3 months. Give it time.
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I hear you I'll let you know what he will say am sure he will answer e mail I sent him. Perhaps then I will be able to think more clearly
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 When it comes to a break up, you want to enact the quickest method possible to get past them. That doesn't necessarily mean the least painful. You want to move on quickly so that your grief doesn't compound and become something more serious. Your ex is a drug. Keeping them as a friend is like being an alcoholic at an open bar. You'll eventually slip, tell yourself one drink is ok, and before you know it, you've driven your car into a tree. The pain will pass. It feels like it won't, but it will. I've done NC with all of my ex's, and every time, I thought it wasn't going to end. I felt like I'd never get over the current one! But I'm not as upset about it as I was a few weeks ago, so I know I'm healing. 1
J_L_C Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 You are the smart girl nice I was talking about : )) Am not saying am gonna accept it all am saying is that this hurts more than I can bear and I want to do the right thing I want to start breathing again. Am not even actually thinking so much of going back he has hurt me deeply and knows it all am thinking about is stopping the pain of that cold turkey quit. If nothing is ever gonna happen why suffer then if something is once again why suffer and hurt life is hard enough then it is. But I get your point of view to I really do but months of this What if it lasts a year? I want to live and I can't with this same hole you mentioned : ((( Don't make the same mistake that I did. I tried to stay in contact with my ex for 8 months after our breakup. At that point, it finally went NC completely. It's now been a total of 10 months since we broke up but 'technically' it's as though it's only been 2 months. It's hard. Hard as hell, but I dragged it out far longer than needed. I was forced to hear about all the girls he'd been dating and 'banging' in his words. It tore me apart. Of course I'm curious now if he's dating or seeing someone (which I have a feeling he is), overall it's better not to know. I think about it all the time because we aren't in contact, but knowing is harder.
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 WoW what a complete A- hole he actually bragged to you about it ?
na49 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Loving and being with someone is like habit I never heard of quitting something cold turkey seems more like some f... up psycho game of who will be more in control not way to get someone back? Well you aren't with them anymore, the relationship is over. You are quitting chasing after them cold turkey. Not "being with them". This allows you to give them space (if they were the one who left you) and both be less emotional which in turn will make a reconciliation more likely and possibly successful. but if you think emailing your ex will bring him back. Go for it. Let me know how it goes.
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 No I don't think it will bring him back and am to hurt to go back to. I just wanted to figure out a way to go trough this and not need to suffer more then I had to. If it's over its over will he care am ignore him of course not so why play mind games? If its over but we both still care will it hurt less to not cut things cold turkey? Does this makes sense ?
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 No I don't think it will bring him back and am to hurt to go back to. I just wanted to figure out a way to go trough this and not need to suffer more then I had to. If it's over its over will he care am ignore him of course not so why play mind games? If its over but we both still care will it hurt less to not cut things cold turkey? Does this makes sense ? If toy care about him, being his friends will be harder. Trust me. Watching him flirt and hook up with girls will be like shoving hot needles into your eyeballs. Pure torture. Don't do it. Relationship rehab starts with cold turkey!
Jord11 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I'm on day like 103 nc over 3 months, I truly loved my ex with all my heart, one night she just told me she didn't love me and left, man I still get hurt thinking about that night, but nc is really working for me yeah I still miss her but its for the best, I'm showing her I don't need her in my life and I'm going to live it without her. 1
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Congratulations. Its sad that so many cases are where they where ugly to you right at the end.
IWasJustThinking Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I did this with my Ex and I felt I needed the time and separation from him in order to heal but it backfired on me. We have a son together and in the process of needing space my ex just left our son behind as well. If I could go back and try to be civil with him I would but it was such a hard break up that I desperately needed space; I was angry and hurt and just needed time but he didn't understand that. I was guilty of wanting to get away from him cold turkey but knew or felt that realistically that was not going to happen because we have a child together. Now he refuses to see our son and its been 4 years.I don't care about what happened to the relationship but I feel so guilty about me needing to cut him off cold turkey because it caused my child to suffer. I am still so confused about how I handled my break up, I really don't know if cutting someone off is the best thing but why keep somebody there if the relationship failed?
BustedUpInside Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I know this is exactly what am thinking to they where our friends as lovers as well. And unless they where slime and psychos this has to hurt them to yes pride roars NO but once again will pride dry tears or easy up hurt? Somehow I think that more we deny this more it will hurt and more we will want it its like dieting right? I don't wanna talk myself into anything I just wanna do the right thing and to stop hurting or at least hurt less . Oh man, NC hurts sooooo bad the first couple of weeks. I know, for me, I would try to make all sorts of excuses to try to get out of it. I would think that I could just email or text or call and it would just be the one time. Just to see how he was doing and to see if he missed me. I never did, and I am glad because I was deluding myself. It never would have been enough because it wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted him to want me back and that was something that he was never going to say no matter what I said first. No Contact vs. Contact is not like dieting vs. cold turkey. It is more like a band aid. Think of it like this. The break up causes a bad wound. You cover it up with a band aid. Now No contact is like leaving that band aid alone. In the first couple of days and weeks, the urge to look at it is so strong. You actively have to think about leaving it alone. Then it itches sometimes and the itching is so bad that you think you won't be able to take it, but you still manage to leave it alone. You don't take it off until the wound is pretty much healed. There is a little scar, but it's not that bad and it will keep fading with time. Contact is like looking at the wound everyday and poking it. If you keep peeling the band aid off it's eventually not going to work anymore. The wound will never heal properly and even when it does, it takes soooo much longer because you can't leave it alone. The scar goes deeper and lasts much longer. When it is described like that, No Contact definitely seems like the better option 1
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I know what you mean about hurt part and first couple of weeks I was kind of muddling along but broke contact for .... reason who cares right. I got shocked how decent he was when he responded did anyone had that case happening when you can still see them having feelings and caring about you?
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I know what you mean about hurt part and first couple of weeks I was kind of muddling along but broke contact for .... reason who cares right. I got shocked how decent he was when he responded did anyone had that case happening when you can still see them having feelings and caring about you? Whether he had feelings for you or not and vice versa, taking to them is like picking a scan over and over. All you end up with is an ugly scar. Ending it on good terms and having affection for one another, but not associating with one another again, is by far the better option.
Leigh 87 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I Just want to stress that: I am a HUGE believer in No Contact, but I just do not think it has to be implemented right away in every situation.
metal_chick Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 (edited) May I propose an experiment? Try NC for 30 days. If you're meant to be friends, your friendship will survive 30 days of radio silence. No texting, no phoning, no emailing, no Facebooking. See how you feel afterwards. It's impossible to know how NC is going to make you feel unless you give it more than a few days. Try 30 days. I think you'll find your perspective will be a lot different, and your head will be clearer. Edited June 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 (edited) May I propose an experiment? Try NC for 30 days. If you're meant to be friends, your friendship will survive 30 days of radio silence. No texting, no phoning, no emailing, no Facebooking. See how you feel afterwards. It's impossible to know how NC is going to make you feel unless you give it more than a few days. Try 30 days. I think you'll find your perspective will be a lot different, and your head will be clearer. That was my original plan actually at least that much. I'll see and o my best to follow up at least that much distance and if I fail .... well I can't know how good or bad that will result as you say who knows what will happen until then. FB is out calling so far did not happened am sure I'll be strong enough to decline that as for e mailing I broke contact as you know he will write back again am sure. Edited June 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
lost.girl Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 My apologies as well Bluegreen. It's a tough situation when the dumper is so very kind and seems to still have the feelings for you. Would definately go NC as hard as it is with them seeing behaving so caring you don't want them to think you are ok with settling for runner up in love contest. Good luck it's a tough one
Author bluegreen Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Its OK : )) Yes its awful and yes he does have them. No I always had more pride then I should so I won't settle for second best. Will it be worth NC it is what am unsure about and once again coming at worth for whom what and why. Over for good who cares about NC am only punishing myself No or perhaps maybe sometimes later OK why suffer then once I figure this out it will all be much clearer if not easier. 1
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