Just Wondering Diana Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Hello I'm almost 30 and been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. He works for a huge company and has to travel a lot. Sometimes he has to spend three to four months away, and I mean very far away (most frequent destinations are China and Mozambique). He's now in Mozambique and I haven't seen him in a month. Yesterday we talked on the phone (he calls me as much as he can but not everyday - too expensive - however sends me e-mails on a daily basis) and he said (with a sweet tone): "It's been a month now...I miss you, I miss making love to you, I'm climbing up the walls... sometimes I get so needy...I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... (silence)... I really don't want you to take this the wrong way, but sometimes I think, just as a thought and not as something that I've considered doing, that it would be so easy for me to meet someone else just for the pleasure and the sex...because I do get needy...but then I realise it's not the sex that I want...it's you, it's the sex with love, it's the smell of your skin, it's the way you make me feel and noone could ever replace that. Please don't take this the wrong way...when oportunity presents itself, I can't help but think that I don't want to go for it...I do, and at the same time I don't...because it's you, there could never be another...I don't know, it's strange for me to say this. I've never been like this in my life before. Please don't take this the wrong way...it's just that I catch myself thinking that this feeling for you is so strong...everything just reinforces the certainty of my love for you." I appreciated his sincerity, but couldn't help wondering and feeling insecure - after all, he said he was climbing up the walls and that the thought of meeting someone else had crossed his mind (even if it just "crossed" - and we're not saints, we're bound to think of other possibilities, other people). Since he'd talked in a sweet tone, I said, in a joking tone (but deep down I wasn't) that now I was gonna get paranoid that he was gonna have sex with someone else since he was so needy...he said "no, what I was trying to tell you was exactly the opposite. That's why I was afraid that you could take this the wrong way". After all, I guess what he said was sweet but, at the same time, left me a little shaky. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things, on being pessimistic, instead of focusing on what he really meant by that. Your thoughts on this? Thank you.
TMichaels Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things, on being pessimistic, instead of focusing on what he really meant by that. Yep. You are. Best, TMichaels 3
justwhoiam Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Your thoughts on this? As a woman, I'd feel the same as you... I would focus on "when opportunity presents itself, I can't help but think that I don't want to go for it...I do, and at the same time I don't". I read conflict there. He's letting you know he has chances to, and when he does, he thinks "I could take advantage of this...". Though it's just a thought and he lets it die soon, because he knows it's not what he really needs... I don't see that as an immediate problem, rather in time. What does he do? Will his job require him to travel like that as long as he'll be working? If so, chances are he will eventually give in to that thought in time. Are there other colleagues travelling with wife and/or family?
LittleTiger Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things, on being pessimistic, instead of focusing on what he really meant by that. Yes, you definitely are! He's telling you that, despite his basic sexual desires, he only wants you! I'm female and in a long term LDR. I know how difficult it is to be without sex for long periods and I also understand exactly what he's saying. He loves you and although he has other options, because he loves you so much he is choosing to be faithful. Nobody else will do! That's awesome news!!! Isn't it? 2
SaltwaterHeart Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 It could be that he's testing the waters. As in, just bringing the idea up because he's been having a hard time lately (no pun intended) and waiting to see what your reaction is.
LittleTiger Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 As a woman, I'd feel the same as you... I would focus on "when opportunity presents itself, I can't help but think that I don't want to go for it...I do, and at the same time I don't". I read conflict there. He's letting you know he has chances to, and when he does, he thinks "I could take advantage of this...". Though it's just a thought and he lets it die soon, because he knows it's not what he really needs... It could be that he's testing the waters. As in, just bringing the idea up because he's been having a hard time lately (no pun intended) and waiting to see what your reaction is. Talk about feeding someone's insecurities. Women complain all the time that men don't share their feelings. If this is the reaction they get, it doesn't surprise me. He was trying to explain how much he wants her. Nobody else, just her! Imagine you're at a gastronomic event and you're really hungry. There is a tonne of gorgeous food laid out in front of you.......but you know that your absolute favourite food (which you don't get the chance to eat very often) will be available in half an hour. If you eat what's in front of you now, you will spoil your appetite - and maybe miss out on your favourite food altogether. So what would you do? If it was me, I would wait for my favourite food - and that's what this guy is telling his girlfriend. She is so special he is prepared to go 'hungry' while he waits to see her again. 3
justwhoiam Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Talk about feeding someone's insecurities. Women complain all the time that men don't share their feelings. If this is the reaction they get, it doesn't surprise me. If you want to belittle what he said, suit yourself. I took it seriously. I know it was his way to express his love for her. But "I do and I don't" is a message of his inner conflict, and it can be a problem when he's away for 4 months in a row , twice a year or once a year (so that means on a regular basis). I asked a few questions to know more...
LittleTiger Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 If you want to belittle what he said, suit yourself. I took it seriously. I know it was his way to express his love for her. But "I do and I don't" is a message of his inner conflict, and it can be a problem when he's away for 4 months in a row , twice a year or once a year (so that means on a regular basis). I asked a few questions to know more... How am I belittling what he said? I think that's what you're doing. Of course he has conflict about having sex with other women. All men do! Lots of women do too. Don't kid yourself that because your guy loves you and is faithful to you that he doesn't look at - and desire - other women. You can be 99% certain that he does. What matters is whether he acts on those thoughts. I would much prefer a guy who admitted he finds other women attractive and yet chooses to be faithful, than one who pretends that's he's walking around with blinkers on and that his penis never so much as twitches at the sight of another attractive woman.
CC12 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I think the nature of what he said is pretty much guaranteed to make someone feel insecure. It's a very strange way to compliment your significant other. "I get really horny all the time and I know it would be so easy to get laid here, and I do want to go for it but at the same time I don't because my feelings for you are so strong." Or to put it more simply, "I could cheat on you (and I've thought about it a lot) but I won't because I love you so much." It's not a very good compliment. Even if his goal was just to reinforce to you that he loves you and would never cheat on you, that is a pretty stupid way to say that. I have to agree with the previous post that said he was testing the waters. I got the impression he was putting it out there to see how you would react, and if you didn't react that badly (which you didn't) then he'd probably eventually bring up having an open relationship. Or, if I wanted to be even more pessimistic, I'd say that he could be laying the groundwork for the fallout after he actually does cheat on you, as in, "Well, babe, I told you how I was going up the walls here! I couldn't help it!" But I don't know if he's the cheating type, so I'm not going to go as far as to say he's definitely going to do it, but he's already told you pretty simply that he's already thought about it. 1
justwhoiam Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Of course he has conflict about having sex with other women. All men do! Really? You think all men are conflicted about having sex with women? I hope men reading this are going to answer and give us their view on this. Don't kid yourself that because your guy loves you and is faithful to you that he doesn't look at - and desire - other women. You can be 99% certain that he does. I'm sure he does look at women. He can think some are beautiful. Desiring to have sex with them is a different thing I guess. Whether it might apply or not to my personal situation, I don't know, I'm doubtful. I would much prefer a guy who admitted he finds other women attractive and yet chooses to be faithful, than one who pretends that's he's walking around with blinkers on and that his penis never so much as twitches at the sight of another attractive woman. I don't know how this would apply to the OP's situation. It might apply, but we have no hints about beautiful, attractive women... Here we have sex needs and a conflicted man away for work for 4 months in a row.
LittleTiger Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Really? You think all men are conflicted about having sex with women? I hope men reading this are going to answer and give us their view on this. Yes, I do. I think monogamy is unnatural. Even so, most men desire a loving relationship far more than they desire sex with multiple women - so they remain faithful. I'm sure he does look at women. He can think some are beautiful. Desiring to have sex with them is a different thing I guess. Whether it might apply or not to my personal situation, I don't know, I'm doubtful. I'm talking about 'desire' on a physical level. I know my guy doesn't 'want' to have sex with other women and I know that he won't, but that doesn't mean his penis agrees with him. I don't know how this would apply to the OP's situation. It might apply, but we have no hints about beautiful, attractive women... Here we have sex needs and a conflicted man away for work for 4 months in a row. I think he's just being honest and I'm a big believer in honesty in relationships. Being apart from the person you love and having to do without sex for months at a time is just one of the tough things about LDRs. This guy is telling the OP that, even though it's really tough, he only wants her - I don't know the guy of course but I can't read any more into it than that.
nugget_718 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I think the nature of what he said is pretty much guaranteed to make someone feel insecure. It's a very strange way to compliment your significant other. "I get really horny all the time and I know it would be so easy to get laid here, and I do want to go for it but at the same time I don't because my feelings for you are so strong." Or to put it more simply, "I could cheat on you (and I've thought about it a lot) but I won't because I love you so much." It's not a very good compliment. Even if his goal was just to reinforce to you that he loves you and would never cheat on you, that is a pretty stupid way to say that. I agree. I was in an LDR too with him travelling a lot for business in Asia, EU and N. America. But not once did he bring up any talk about women he meets in his trips even if I know for a fact that when he's out entertaining some clients in Asia it's almost always that women are mixed in with the entertainment. And no, he doesn't bring it up because he's trying to hide it but because there's enough trust in the RS and its of no consequence. I have to agree with the previous post that said he was testing the waters. I got the impression he was putting it out there to see how you would react, and if you didn't react that badly (which you didn't) then he'd probably eventually bring up having an open relationship. Or, if I wanted to be even more pessimistic, I'd say that he could be laying the groundwork for the fallout after he actually does cheat on you, as in, "Well, babe, I told you how I was going up the walls here! I couldn't help it!" But I don't know if he's the cheating type, so I'm not going to go as far as to say he's definitely going to do it, but he's already told you pretty simply that he's already thought about it. Agree with this too. It's almost like a pre-emptive strike. I am not saying that it will happen (him cheating) but from experience, sometimes things this serious just doesn't get brought up without any reason.
LittleTiger Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I agree. I was in an LDR too with him travelling a lot for business in Asia, EU and N. America. But not once did he bring up any talk about women he meets in his trips even if I know for a fact that when he's out entertaining some clients in Asia it's almost always that women are mixed in with the entertainment. And no, he doesn't bring it up because he's trying to hide it but because there's enough trust in the RS and its of no consequence. Agree with this too. It's almost like a pre-emptive strike. I am not saying that it will happen (him cheating) but from experience, sometimes things this serious just doesn't get brought up without any reason. This kind of thinking is a prime example of why LDRs so often fail. Your guy sounds like a gem and you're second guessing the meaning behind his well meant words. There clearly isn't enough trust in the relationship if you think the worst when he tries to explain how much you mean to him. Maybe he didn't use the words that you would have done, but men aren't quite so smooth in their delivery of emotive messages. Give the guy a break and trust him.
na49 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 If I'm not seeing my girlfriend every week, I start to crave her more. I'd imagine months would be tough. but you should be happy he is TELLING you this instead of just doing it and leaving you speechless as to why. It does suck, but if he has the stones to tell you what he tells you, I think he means what he said. If only we could have that level of communication in more relationships nowadays.
cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Oh yeah... I sure understand him. I think he really loves you but that he is really climbing the walls. He might be testing you as to the possibilities of an open-relationship. Sex is a physical need... I am in a similar situation, but I don't have the guts to tell my bf anything. I just feel tempted and tempted and tempted all the time. What I think you could do (and what I think my bf should do more) is being sexual with him while on skype... be naughty with him... make him feel that if he holds himself you're going to have the best sex ever together :bunny::bunny: I guess that a big part of my temptation problem is that my bf doesn't want sex as often as I do when we're together, and when we're apart he doesn't want to have "skype sex" with me, doesn't ask for naked pictures of me or that stuff... It makes me feel a bit insecure, and the appeal of the guys that are close and sexually interested in me increases Good luck!!
Carenth Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) Threads where people suggest that men are all hormonal beasts ruled over by uncontrollable urges for sex make me feel like an oddity. Do I like sex? Sure it feels good when its with someone I love. The act of sex without having an emotional bond with a person does very little for me and I don't enjoy it. Do I think other girls are pretty, yes I do. Do I have to fight off urges wanting to have sex with them? No. I would never say something like this to my girlfriend. I don't see this as a positive at all he's basically saying he is thinking about cheating all the time but the power of love holds him back.... for how long? Edited June 4, 2013 by Carenth 1
cristiana Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Unfortunately most people are not like that It's not that they are not able to control themselves, but that it is hard. Chemistry is very strong and should not be underestimated. I think/hope it can be tammed though...
LittleTiger Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Unfortunately most people are not like that It's not that they are not able to control themselves, but that it is hard. Chemistry is very strong and should not be underestimated. I think/hope it can be tammed though... Most people in relationships, long distance or otherwise are, I believe, aware of their sexual urges - however, they have no wish to act on them. When I was single and free to have sex with anybody I chose to - I didn't - because I don't want sex with someone who means nothing to me. Now that I'm in a relationship, you could give me a choice of the hottest, sexiest men around offering to have sex with me on a daily basis, or my own guy for a few months of the year - I would choose him every time. You clearly do want sex with other men while you and your boyfriend are apart - that's a bad sign. The OPs boyfriend has acknowledged his urges and chooses to remain faithful - that's a good sign.
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