Probably another Emotional Affair story...

[JustAboutEnough]

So I've finally broken down and realized I need to get some advice from people other than my contingent of single guy friends... so here's my story:

 

background: I'm 29, W is 31, married 8 years, together 11 (college sweethearts), 2 kids (4 and 1).

 

So... guess we start at the beginning: we married in 2005, straight out of college. Bought a nice house, got great jobs, were really hitting the ground running for a couple 21/22 year olds. I knew my wife was the type that had a decent amount of guy friends and I never had a real problem with it because they all seemed to be good guys and it never seemed to cross any inappropriate boundries. But in 2006 I was doing something cute we did to eachother once in a while and sent her a cute email from her own email address... and I found an email from one of her guy Friends, We'll call T, whom she's been good friends with since high school, saying things like "...when I'm with you everything feels right, and sometimes I just want to hold you in my arms and know that everything is ok...". I feel my heart sink into my stomach and wonder what's really going on... so I print off the emails and confront her about it. She seems shocked that I've seen them, but is very dismissive of them saying 'that's just the way T talks to me, it doesn't mean anything to me, he just needs to vent sometimes...". I'm obviously not very comfortable with this explanation, but since its still so early in our marriage and I basically still have nothing but trust in my wife, I give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Fast forward a year or so, and she is talking to him on FB messenger when she hands me the computer to look at something, I see this conversation and his communication to her is more or less in the same vein as the emails; basically his professing his love for her and that she's so beautiful, blah blah blah. I once again tell her how much I am uncomfortable with any other man talking to her this way... even if she claims it doesnt mean anyhting to her... because its just a breeding ground for things to turn bad in the future, not to mention it very clearly crosses the boundries of that of a friend. She once again insists he's just a good friend of hers and that I shouldn't be concerned about it. This is where I get a little less comfortable about what is really going on there... and I look into her diary. Nothing really jaw-dropping in there, until I get the part where she says that she's starting to have these weird thoughts and feelings about T and his daughter (he was married and divorced already at this point...). The fact I read her diary is the only thing I never told her about (until recently...) but at this point, I'm not comfortable with what is going on there at all. I ask her to stop talking to him because it makes me seriously uncomfortable to have another man talking to you like he's your lover... and I get the typical "we're just friends, there's nothing to worry about, you;re over-reacting". Trying to be understanding and give her the benefit of the doubt, I let it go, and it honestly doesn't come up again for a long time after that.. more than likely because in Dec of 2007 we conceived our first child.

 

 

So in 2009 I decided I wanted to go back and get my masters degree in accounting/ get my CPA to help advance my career and provide some solid financial support for my now growing family. This required me to actually drive to classes on a nightly basis and be gone 2-3 nights a week for roughly 3 years, which left the W home with our 1 yr old quite a bit. But we had discussed this before I decided to enroll and she agreed that we could make the time commitment work.

 

 

Nothing pops up again from T until right before of 5th anniversary (2010) where I see some FB messages that are from him, all the same "I love you, you make me feel so safe... " etc. The problem with all of this from my end is that I'm never seeing anything reciprocated from my wife, just more of her 'going along with it' and seemingly just enjoying the ego boost. If there were anything coming from her that showed her reciprocating then this would have been cut and dry done a very long time ago... I bring it up again, I get the same ol same ol, and I can tell that its starting to bug her that I'm constantly being 'insecure' about T. Because I never really see anything coming from her end that is too damning, I doubt what it is I'm really upset about... and therefore don't feel like I have any real basis for demanding she stop talking to him or what exactly I can confront her about other than the fact it makes me seriously uncomfortable to know there is another man that she's ok with keeping in her life that talks to her in the manner that SHOULD only be reserved for me.

 

We use our 5th anniversary to 'reconnect' but taking a much needed weekend away out of town that was probably one of the best 'intimate' weekends we've ever had together... and it seemed to really be exactly what we needed to restore some of the bond that had faded from being gone/having an infant at home. We conceived our 2nd child that weekend.. but that unfortunately ended in a miscarriage 2 months later...which was horribly difficult on my W. I was there and as supportive as a husband can be through that hard time and as soon as we could try again, we did and conceived our youngest child. He was born mid 2011, and I finally graduated Dec 2011 with my masters degree. I then went through the difficult process of finding another job and then started studying for the CPA exam (background: if you aren't aware, its statistically one of the hardest professional certifications in the world, ie: it takes a ton of time to study to pass...)

 

So, all of that background is important because it essentially lays out what I now see was my 'distance' from my W that was existent for the last 4 years... not that I was completely unavailable to her in that time, but obviously I was busy/stressed/preoccupied with everything else that was going on. In all of this, I never suspected that the pressure of raising the kids/having her own job/career and everything else was causing a strain on our marriage...( she loves to bottle everything up and carry the world on her shoulders until it completely crushes her...).

 

Last September T asked the W to be a bridesmaid in his 2nd wedding. Nothing really remarkable in that story other than his wife never met my W til the day of the wedding and to show the level of that relationship.

 

 

This brings us to Present day (rather, 6 months ago...) I overhear my W talking to one her friends while they are sitting in our hot tub outside and she's basically complaining to her about how I seem depressed to her and that she just doesn't feel that 'connection' to me anymore, etc. I feel heartbroken over this because I feel like since graduating a year prior I really tried to reconnect with her when I wasn't studying for the CPA. I talk to her about it but it seems like she's really cold/distant and just doesn't seem that interested. Prior to finding this out, I had bought her the 50 Shades of Grey book trilogy thinking that it might give her some ideas and get the proverbial juices flowing to try and re-ignite the passion and intimacy in our relationship (which it did, albeit briefly before the sh*t hit the fan...).

 

So...christmas rolls around, I grab her phone to record something her and her bros are doing for the family and as I turn the phone on I see texts from T coming across the top saying " I love you even though you aren't responding..." I, as always, bring it up to her and she gets really frustrated with me saying 'you have nothing to worry about there, you know by now that's just the way we talk...stop worrying about it'. But given the current state of unhappiness I feel from her, I'm not convinced at all....

 

3 weeks later the W was driving home for the weekend and I was morbidly curious if T was going to be in the area (he lives 400 miles farther away than her home...) so I checked his FB page and sure enough, he was in town that weekend. My W was going home with one of her other friends, S, who even 'liked' the comment he made saying "happy to go home this weekend to see some old friends'. I flip out over this, call her over that weekend and ask her if she knew T was going to be in town... she denies it saying she had no idea. I say how is that possible since your friend clearly knew about it and I know you talk to him on a regular basis... she insists she didn't know. When she gets home is when then crap really hits the fan: we argue about T, I tell her that I'm to the point I can't take it anymore with their 'relationship' and she says she refuses to stop talking to her best friend. (yes, sometime over the last 3-4 years he was 'promoted' to being claimed by her as her Best Friend). She also then goes on to tell me that she doesn't even feel like she's in love with me anymore (which is clearly one of the most devastating things a husband can hear....). This last part throws me into a couple months of doing nothing but trying to 'win' her back... to make up for the time spent away and the fact I wasn't always emotionally there for her, to remind her that I am a good man and a good husband and just want 'us' to get back to normal. She cuts off sex after this argument, saying she clenches up whenever we try and get intimate and doesn't have that emotional connection to me at all to consider doing that. I'm a wreck in this period, just trying to make sense of what the hell has happened and how are things THIS bad for her when I had no idea that she felt THIS badly about our relationship and me. She tells me that she's happy with every other aspect of her life, just not me/us. I spend the next months doing nothing but trying to 'woo' her and do all the little thigns that used to matter to her, but none of it matters.

 

Then beg of March, she's going to visit the previously mentioned other friend S for the weekend.. she gives me her phone (which has become a secondary attachment to her body at this point...) to add some music to it... I check the texts and see that her conversation with S has a reference to T in the most recent text.... so I open it and read it: They talk about how T might be also in town that weekend... and to keep it off FB if it does happen (basically so I don't see it..) my W also says 2 things that kill me: 'When I'm around him its like there's no one else in the world' and 'I want to do it again to make sure the first time wasn't a mistake'. I'm floored by the last part... and blow up at her about it... she admits that back in 2006 they did kiss while out one night, but nothing more. I had previously asked her repeatedly if there had been anything that happened between them that I needed to know about, and she swore there was nothing. repeatedly.

 

She still denies that she has feelings for him, I say that's utter horessh*t and there is no way after reading what SHE wrote that there is nothing there. We try MC once, obviously the MC calls her out saying that T is clearly in love with her and she's in a relationship with two men and needs to get rid of T. The W hates the ultimatum and asks me if I think she'd really be happy without talking to her best friend again.. I tell her that's really not my problem at this point, she's emotionally betraying me, hiding everything from me that has to do with him. I even find that he sent her 34 songs on Spotify about 5 months ago that are ALL country songs about a guy who wants to be with a girl who doesn't notice him or other types of love songs.... not a coincidence.

 

We recently had our 8 yr anniversary, I tried to put together something nice for us, and it was... until the end of the night when I was going to sing her the song I sang her @ our reception... and I realized that we can't keep going on like this anymore... she can't make up her mind about what to do about 'us' to fix it, she can't admit that her relationship with T is wrong and she doesn't seem to be putting an ounce of effort into trying to rekindle the flame between us... yet she's the one who is complaining about us being so distant. So while we wait in the car, I basically tell her: if you want to continue being in a relationship with me, then T can't be part of your life anymore. She doesn't say much that night... the next couple days are silent treatment/pissed off at me... but our normal day to day goes on...

 

 

and here we are. That's where my story is as of today. I've POURED myself back into my marriage since finding out my wife is no longer in love with me... but I HAVE to believe that this EA is causing the primary wedge between us. I know I could have done better to limit the distance between us... but I can't change the past and I've more than proven I want us to work 100% (she even admits that I've done everything I could possibly do and had done before to make her fall in love with me...it just isn't changing anything for her this time...).

 

I want my marriage to work, but I know how much of a total idiot I sound like for believing that everything can be ok at this point... She refuses to even admit she's done anything wrong. I don't want to separate, but it really is the only tool I have at this point to prove to her that I mean it when I say I'm not going to be part of a relationship where she can't respect boundries.

 

I'm not sure what it is I'm looking for on here....maybe reassurance that I'm not wrong in assessing this as a full blown EA, maybe support... IDK... but I feel so alone in this.. and worry about being alone after. I know I'm 29, pretty soon a CPA, relatively attractive, stable... I don't doubt I COULD find someone else to spend my life with... I just am not convinced yet that I've completely lost the woman I'm still in love with... or where to go from here.

[Goodbye]

Have you tried asking T what the deal is? Unfortunately, it seems W is done if she refuses to end friendship with T, sees no problem with a romantic relationship, and isn't able to follow through in MC. BTW, you are young...you'll find someone new, if that is the road you decide to take.

[JustAboutEnough]

No, I haven't talked to T on account of not thinking that will really resolve MY problem.... I need to know my wife understands that what she's done and is doing is wrong and unacceptable on so many levels... even if I talk to him and tell him to back the F off or I can make things real uncomfortable for him with his new wife, that doesn't resolve the issue of the relationship I'M in, which is all I really care about at this point.

[Goodbye]

No, I haven't talked to T on account of not thinking that will really resolve MY problem.... I need to know my wife understands that what she's done and is doing is wrong and unacceptable on so many levels... even if I talk to him and tell him to back the F off or I can make things real uncomfortable for him with his new wife, that doesn't resolve the issue of the relationship I'M in, which is all I really care about at this point.

 

 

I happen to agree with you. The people here will likely advocate telling T and T's wife you "know" what's going on.

 

Can you have the "big" talk with your W? Tell her she needs to really think about what she is doing, and its impact on you and the marriage. That you've gotten to the point where you are considering divorce?

[JustAboutEnough]

The 'big talk' seems to be the second next logical step, but only after separating, which has been brought up a couple times previously.. which she always balks at and cannot bring herself to even mention it by name. She knows I have the spare key to my buddy's condo and am ready and willing to use it if I need to, so that is what I feel my next step is when I confront her about her decision sometime in the next week or so. I would have definitely moved out a long time ago if the kids weren't involved... my 4 year old is very smart and perceptive and I know she'll know something is up if daddy doesn't come home for more than a day or two... but I also know on the other hand that mom and dad staying together in this current state isn't doing them any favors in the long run either.

 

I have told her, though, that I love her enough to let her go and find what makes her truly happy if I really am not that guy anymore. It breaks my heart to admit that that's possibly the case, since I really do think we make a great couple and work well together in almost every other facet of our lives..., but her primary complaint about what's wrong with us is that she's just 'unhappy'. I of course ask 'why'"? and I of course there's no real answer. Just she wants to be happy again....

Edited June 1, 2013 by JustAboutEnough

[2sunny]

She's been married to T all along. Have your kids tested to see if you are the father.

 

I'd divorce her lying, cheating a$$!!!

 

You've allowed her to make a mockery of you since 2006 - and yes, he's cheated that whole time! She's just unwilling to be honest.

 

Cut off her money and kick her out.

 

Suffering consequences for her bad behavior may help her understand that there's not supposed to be 3 people in a marriage!

 

It's not an emotional affair! She's been having sex with him all along!

 

No need to talk more - start taking action to protect yourself from a cheating wife!

[2sunny]

Search and copy all evidence.

 

Exposé her to everyone - especially T's wife. Do it today!

 

You're%

[Goodbye]

Cut off her money and kick her out? It doesn't quite work that way.

 

JAE; I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope she does wise up and start to get her emotional needs met from the marriage. Where did you leave things with the MC?

[2sunny]

You're inaction has allowed your wife to think you'll never give a consequence!

 

So ---> she just keeps lying and walking all over you!

 

If anyone leaves it should be her!

 

Goodbye - she's had opportunities nice 2005 to invest emotionally in the M - but she chose to connect with her lover instead!

 

Yes, he can move money and put her bag on the curb!

 

She can fight the law to get back in if she chooses.

 

She needs to be scared that her life as she's known it is over. Exposing her behavior to others will force her to answer some questions (but she will still lie).

 

 

She has ALLOWED T to play your role - the one of her husband and lover! Be mad! Act mad! Give her consequences!

 

And see if the kids are actually yours.

[Goodbye]

It is called a joint asset if they are married, lol...affair or not. He could do such a thing, if he doesn't mind getting into serious trouble. It sounds like he pretty much knows when the kids were conceived and that they are his...I'm not sure it is productive to go down that creepy road.

[JustAboutEnough]

while I appreciate your enthusiasm 2sunny, I think you've misread the situation. T does live literally 500 miles away from us, would have had to pull off a miracle to be either my kid's father since my oldest looks identical to me (T looks nothing like me..) and my youngest we were trying constantly for months without her ever leaving the area. This has been entirely emotional other than the one time they've kissed...and potentially something more the time in January and possibly in March (if he did actualy end up meetin up with them, which supposedly ended up falling through).

[JustAboutEnough]

Cut off her money and kick her out? It doesn't quite work that way.

 

JAE; I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope she does wise up and start to get her emotional needs met from the marriage. Where did you leave things with the MC?

 

 

She hates the idea of a MC, and unfortunately for me, the one time we did go the MC in the followup email to my W f'd up my name... which made her lose complete confidence in the MC's competence... and ruined that for me.

 

I've brought up looking for another one... but she balks at it because she just doesn't 'believe' in it. It came up in one of our conversations that she knows another counselor would basically just tell her the same thing: that T is just putting an unneccesary strain on the M and needs to be removed completely for there to be any chance of recovery. I couldn't hold back my incredulity when asking her "and don't you think that's a big f'ing red flag??? that every single objective person that would hear this story would tell yuo the same damn thing??" still doesn't get through.

[2sunny]

She hates the idea of a MC, and unfortunately for me, the one time we did go the MC in the followup email to my W f'd up my name... which made her lose complete confidence in the MC's competence... and ruined that for me.

 

I've brought up looking for another one... but she balks at it because she just doesn't 'believe' in it. It came up in one of our conversations that she knows another counselor would basically just tell her the same thing: that T is just putting an unneccesary strain on the M and needs to be removed completely for there to be any chance of recovery. I couldn't hold back my incredulity when asking her "and don't you think that's a big f'ing red flag??? that every single objective person that would hear this story would tell yuo the same damn thing??" still doesn't get through.

 

She doesn't intend to work on the M.

 

She intends to keep it going with T.

 

You are being completely naive. Please open your eyes!

 

Shes not invested in you - it's him he wants - she just intends for you o keep her lifestyle going or her.

[Goodbye]

Well, the OP didn't describe her as some lazy bum living off his $, but rather as an invested mother of young kids. She may be emotionally lost and she may not be able to "get it" enough to fix the marriage...but it doesn't sound like she is quite the Ho 2sunny is describing.

 

Nonetheless...I think you need to figure out what YOU want. If you want to give it another shot and insist upon MC? Or separate for a time until she decides she will agree to cut T out of her life? As much as ultimatums bite, it sounds like it is time for one.

[2sunny]

As long as she's emotionally invested in him - it leaves no room for you.

 

It's her choice - if she must keep him in her life = she's made her decision.

 

Better to "accept it" and tell her she's given you nothing to work with.

 

Of course she said she isn't in love with you - she's spent all her time and energy being in love with her OM (T).

[JustAboutEnough]

Well, the OP didn't describe her as some lazy bum living off his $, but rather as an invested mother of young kids. She may be emotionally lost and she may not be able to "get it" enough to fix the marriage...but it doesn't sound like she is quite the Ho 2sunny is describing.

 

Nonetheless...I think you need to figure out what YOU want. If you want to give it another shot and insist upon MC? Or separate for a time until she decides she will agree to cut T out of her life? As much as ultimatums bite, it sounds like it is time for one.

 

Goodbye seems to have actually read everything I wrote... my W is just as successful as I am, we both have great jobs and she doesn't need me for my money (she actually makes slightly more than I until I change jobs this fall...)

 

And I know... the more I sit on it, the more I know this is going to end up with my separating and making her feel what life is really like without me there for her. But I hesitate because I feel like one of the primary causes of the current serious issues from her point of view is my emotional distance... so I don't know how much good putting PHYSICAL distance between us really helps us reconnect. I know there are two different things at play here (our distance that 'caused' the EA to really take off...and the EA itself) and the separation would serve to help resolve the latter...but hurt the former. On the other hand... she has seemed reluctant to really even try to do anything about the former anyways... so I suppose there really is nothing to lose.

 

Just confused trying to resolve everything in my head... Its one of those situations where ' advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't..."

[2sunny]

while I appreciate your enthusiasm 2sunny, I think you've misread the situation. T does live literally 500 miles away from us, would have had to pull off a miracle to be either my kid's father since my oldest looks identical to me (T looks nothing like me..) and my youngest we were trying constantly for months without her ever leaving the area. This has been entirely emotional other than the one time they've kissed...and potentially something more the time in January and possibly in March (if he did actualy end up meetin up with them, which supposedly ended up falling through).

 

Don't you think she screwed him when she went out of town? I'd bet money she did.

 

And just because he's been far away doesn't mean he hasn't been the intruder in your M.

 

You're so busy defending her - you don't see how un invested she's actually been in your marriage.

Edited June 1, 2013 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

I never said she didn't make money.

 

I said her consequences need to cause her pain. Here - i'll post a link that shows the formula for change. There are factors that come into play. But if she is comfortable - she has no reason to "change" a thing!

 

Formula for Change - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Read it - see why she wont change a thing if you don't get busy making her uncomfortable!

[2sunny]

Goodbye seems to have actually read everything I wrote... my W is just as successful as I am, we both have great jobs and she doesn't need me for my money (she actually makes slightly more than I until I change jobs this fall...)

 

And I know... the more I sit on it, the more I know this is going to end up with my separating and making her feel what life is really like without me there for her. But I hesitate because I feel like one of the primary causes of the current serious issues from her point of view is my emotional distance... so I don't know how much good putting PHYSICAL distance between us really helps us reconnect. I know there are two different things at play here (our distance that 'caused' the EA to really take off...and the EA itself) and the separation would serve to help resolve the latter...but hurt the former. On the other hand... she has seemed reluctant to really even try to do anything about the former anyways... so I suppose there really is nothing to lose.

 

Just confused trying to resolve everything in my head... Its one of those situations where ' advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't..."

 

Stop blaming yourself! She's cheated with him since early in the M!

 

The "emotional distance" was because she was paying so much of her attention to her OM!

 

She could have at any time - tried eliminating him and investing in you only - but she shows evidence of a cake eater - wanting both! That's not YOUR fault she has that character defect!

[leonine]

You can't change someone's behavior if they don't want to. You can't make someone love you. The only thing you can do is set your own boundaries for what you will accept in your life and act accordingly.

 

Having a wife who has such an emotional connection with another man doesn't sound like a situation that is acceptable to you. If she won't drop the other man, then you need to remedy the situation by taking action to make her no longer be your wife. It won't be easy, and it won't be painless. Perhaps she'll come back to you, but perhaps she won't. You have to be true to yourself though.

[2sunny]

You can't change someone's behavior if they don't want to. You can't make someone love you. The only thing you can do is set your own boundaries for what you will accept in your life and act accordingly.

 

Having a wife who has such an emotional connection with another man doesn't sound like a situation that is acceptable to you. If she won't drop the other man, then you need to remedy the situation by taking action to make her no longer be your wife. It won't be easy, and it won't be painless. Perhaps she'll come back to you, but perhaps she won't. You have to be true to yourself though.

 

Well stated!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

2sunny is closer to the truth than you think.

 

When your wife talked about seeing if that one time was a mistake, she was NOT talking about a kiss.

 

Your wife has had an inappropriate relationship with T all these years. It is unacceptable to allow a man to pursue her like that all these years. Out of respect for you, she should have shut it down cold. Why she allowed it only she can answer, but my guess would be that she actually likes T (it's hard to dislike someone who tells you how nice, hot, sexy you are), that she felt in control of the outcome, that she was doing nothing to actually hurt you (though she was wrong about this).

 

This has been a gradual process. You and your wife are of a generation that believes that men and women can be friends (it may be possible). In this particular case, however, T NEVER was JUST FRIENDS with your wife. He ALWAYS has been pursuing her romantically, and she has let him. One time she broke down and had sex with him.

 

You can't nice your wife out of this half-assed affair with T. Your wife has told you she is perfectly happy with her life except for the you/her part of it. Meaning, she is comfortable and doesn't want to change anything. She plans to continue to further develop her relationship with T, while your relationship with your wife will continue to deteriorate.

 

As others have posted, you can't control your wife, you can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage.

 

If you told this story to any normal reasonable person, they would agree that your wife should give T the boot because it is disrespectful to you to accept the romantic invitations of another man over and over without setting that man straight and insisting that he STOP. The only person you've told the story to, the marriage counselor, agreed with this outlook. That is why your wife no longer wants to see the MC, not because the MC misspelled or confused your name. Sometimes I call one of my kids by the other's name, that doesn't mean I'm incompetent as a father.

 

What I think you should do: Stand up to your wife about the relationship with T. Ask why she believes it's OK for him to pursue her romantically and why you should be OK with that. Tell her that you find it unacceptable and that you are considering divorce. Ask her, if it comes down to me not being able to accept this situation with T as your friend who professes romantic love for you, what do you think I should do? Do not make any ultimatum that you are not willing to keep.

 

Buy two copies of the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and ask your wife to read it with you.

 

Hold off on contacting T's wife for the moment.

 

Some questions:

 

What is your level of affection like with your wife currently and in the recent past? How about your sex life? Does your wife delete messages to/from T? How often do they communicate? What do they say to each other when he is not telling her how great she is and how much he desires her?

[Fugu]

She hates the idea of a MC, and unfortunately for me, the one time we did go the MC in the followup email to my W f'd up my name... which made her lose complete confidence in the MC's competence... and ruined that for me.

 

A convenient excuse. Oh well, whatever....

 

What you should have done long ago is confront T. I mean that he did it once before you were married...okay, I get that. He's testing the waters and giving it one last go, but after marriage, she's off limits. The problem with a confrontation now is that there's already probably a very deep emotional affair (and possibly more), and she's into it. She'll end up defending him if you confront him. I don't agree with contacting T or T's wife. Not now. Too late to do any good and it'll probably just cause more harm.

 

I normally don't like the idea of getting family involved, but sometimes, it's the only card you have left. If that's the case, then maybe I would use it. See what her mother and father think about this? This is going to affect their grandchildren, so they ought to care. Before that, though, I'd get a consultation with a lawyer (keep it private if you can). You've got to be ready for whatever comes.

[2sunny]

What's odd is - most when they get caught seem either a) sorry they did it or b) sorry they got caught. Sometimes both.

 

But it doesn't appear your wife is either of those.

 

The lack of remorse makes me sad - because it indicates she's not willing to change a thing about what she's been doing. She just expects you to accept her unacceptable behavior.

 

Moreso like she has no conscience!

[2sure]

That's the thing about affairs, emotional or physical. They poison a marriage long before they are discovered. A happily married person becomes too attached to a friend. Then they are confiding in the friend instead of their spouse. Next, they are in love or intimate. And meanwhile...red flags have been waving at the BS, but they aren't sure. Their suspicion becomes a point of contention.

 

So now, the previously happy marriage isn't. And nothing changed except an affai happened . Something that usually has nothing tangible to do with real life.

 

None of it is your fault. The poison started years ago.

 

The only chance you have is to stop the affair by whatever means necessary.

Get your ducks in order. Tell your wife she has mismanaged your marriage and relationship and that right now, you want to fix it.