Bunnyrabbit Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I'm actually not sitting here thinking "what if" or "if only" because I think deep inside I knew it would one day come to this. We had such a bad rocky beginning with insecurity, jealousy and temper tantrums from his side. I was always the laid back one, never to scream or fight back. I just took it pretty much. We started of as friends and he was so attentive and wanted to know everything so I told him. Boy, did I learn a lesson to never do that again! Then he started having feelings for me and it took me much longer to feel the same way about him. So there were lots of fights back then with him chasing me, sometimes hitting me and breaking my glasses even. He couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't ready to date. But we had chemistry and feelings got stronger and stronger. We started dating and got more serious and then got married. Fights were much less but he always felt entitled to bring up my past whenever and wherever. So even if we could have the best of times somewhere I can see him start thinking about something and have to bring it up. When I say my past it would be a time when he wasn't even in my life!!! It was like I was supposed to have been a virgin before I met him! We could be driving and he would see something that would trigger his memory and he'd go off with the same old questions to get his sick pay off. He would even sometimes wake up in a bad mood because he had a dream and there we go again. I never knew when it was coming. He refused to get over it. I always gave him pay off by answering his questions because it would only get worse if I didn't. I was always left numb and scared after each fight but that was never talked about. I just bottled my feelings up. I concentrated on the good things instead. But deep inside I was always wondering when I was going to have enough of this treatment. And what kind of future did we have if he could never let go of my past and always felt entitled to bring it up? Long story short: He took a job abroad a year ago and we have lived apart. We were both on board with this and made it work up until a month ago. I think we both grew up and grew apart. I was happier on my own with no fights or drama. When he felt that I was distancing myself from him he was of course threatening me over the phone and name calling. But with time he too realized it wasn't working and wants a break. In my other posts you can see that he "has an interest" in someone else. As much as it hurts I think it's actually helping me to move on. I can't go back now knowing this and I instead want a divorce. But I'm left wondering why I'm here thinking of only his good sides that he does have. Why can't I concentrate on all the bad?? The stuff that made me always question us?? It's killing me inside to only remember all the good times and his great qualitites. I want to only focus on his terrible temper and treatment of me at times. And why I put up with being treated like that for so long. How do I stop these tapes in my head??
trippi1432 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) Bunny - I see you are struggling to make sense of the bad versus the good. Please know that anyone who loves you, truly cares about you as a person, would not use your past in judgement against you to gain the upper hand in a loving relationship. Perhaps some of these articles might help you to recover and learn some of the dynamic at play in your relationship. The articles on that site may help you to understand the narcissistic and codependent relationship, if nothing else, can help you to find your own empowerment. I've not bought anything from the site, so not endorsing the product. I found some help in just reading there. Edited June 1, 2013 by trippi1432
hayewils Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 the hard part about breakups is, you broke up for reasons. Its natural to think about the good. I have read so many places that say, when you break up, away from each other for a time.. You always naturallu think about the good times. It is my hardest thing to get past. I still always think about the good times we had, it is hard on me. But i have to stop and think about how I was treated, in my view and others saw it. I try day in and day out to see it from the outside, from what I hear from those who saw it. I have a journal I keep for myself. Which reminds me of the bad sides. It helps me to move on, besides how I am still treated day in and day out.. Maybe you should try that, keep a daily journal, then you can look back at what you wrote and how you felt that day. Before you know it, you should be able to look back and realize what you were dealing with. i am starting to see that for myself
WreckedDan Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hmm.. I'm only two months into my own personal horror story, but I would say you don't stop remebering the good... likely ever. My wife and I had some great times, pictures abound with special moments in our lives together. For me, why would I want to forget them? They were special to me then and will likely always be. However, that crushing feeling you get from the loss of the hopes for more of those experiences becomes SLOWLY less and less tied to your daily existance. Hell I bombarded myself with pictures and videos from my computer two nights ago... I don't suggest doing this. I have a tendancy to crush myself like mashing out a lit cigarette until there is no fire left to burn. You have many stages to go through, and they dp repeat over and over... it's like your mind is chewing it all up into pieces that it can swallow, quite litterally from my experience. Hope that helps some, Dan
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Thanks for all your suggestions and support! I actually started writing down memories of some of the fights he picked with me. Like the time he got mad over something and threw away his wedding ring. I had to ask him go and buy a new one. Or when we were in Italy and he got mad over something old from my past and he just starts fighting and takes of on me! With no cell phones or knowing where we are. Or when I wanted to buy a ring in the mall. It was like $30 and he got upset with me and gave me the silent treatment the whole night and "hold me hostage" by being like that until he picks a fight about something else to just be mad at me. For a ring?? See, if I can focus on all these fights that were so not necessary I can at least know this happened for a reason! I hate being this weak and not able to excist!
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