Author MissBee Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I think there may be multiple and concurrent thought processes with this. In most relationships there is compromising that happens on both sides on different pieces. So one can compromise in this area because it doesn't impact their level of happiness greatly. So it isn't a dealbreaker to allow this dynamic for the OP. Then there is the allowance in a short term and long term basis. An OP will concede this point in the short term to have a gain in the long term. So the allowance will be made for a future pay off. I think this is most common and this is a big gamble and where resentment can grow. This can stem from two different approaches to this allowance. When looking at the cost analysis it is okay on the short term for this long time pay off but can shift and the allowance is no longer acceptable because the long term is now needing to have moved over to short term. Or the allowance was never acceptable but the OP will allow it because of either a need to be a KISA, because the future gain seems so great and is worth the gamble for short term suffering, and/or a martyr complex. This is why focusing on the Present is so important and being okay with Today. A book I read, for business, but does apply here that I think is beneficial is The Present: The Gift That Makes You Happier and More Successful at Work and in Life, Today! by Spencer Cooper. As well as his other book, "Who Moved My Cheese?" Both books are about the viewpoint that Life either happens to you or you happen to Life. And understanding what one has control over, what one can do, and how one can be happy today, tomorrow and in the future. This makes sense. In my initial post I also said this is a topic which relates to all relationships and in another comment I made in the thread I said that I think in all relationships, I weigh the compromises and I can also feel whether or not we're both doing all we can and it's a fair compromise, or do I feel like my partner's happiness or needs to be happy are unfair to me or come at a great expense to me or not. Do I feel like he is getting "everything" or the "lion's share" and more stuff on his terms and I less? It makes sense that one can probably accept less in the short term, but it's a constant reassessing as time goes by, whether or not you feel like your willingness to make your partner happy is reciprocated in kind, or do they seem pleased as punch for you to make them happy, but in order to make you happy, they have more reservations.
Leiden Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I really like this question, although a couple of the responses irk me. lol Personally I've always been the pleasing type. I gain happiness by knowing I bring happiness to those I care deeply about (this is also why all my pets are fat haha). So if MM is happy by my being around, even if he's still with his wife, then I'm glad. I would like if we were a normal couple but I don't want him to leave his wife for me, I would want him to leave because he's truly not happy at home. Not because of some sense of feeling "noble" but because I think it would be a bad decision on his end. His wife provides him much more than I can... they have a child, families are intertwined, a history together and she even helps on the social/networking part of his business... add to that a concern about how well our relationship would survive if he dumped all that just for emotional attachment. I just don't see it as being practical since, as far as I'm aware, we're both happy with the current set up... not that it makes an A alright, but I just don't want to give him up at this point. He does a lot to make me happy to the point we almost have competition with it lol It's mostly small things here and there but that's all I need. A picked flower from the garden is worth more to me than a diamond ring and I guess I apply that mentality to my A as well. The more I read posts from others the more I realize that maybe I'm just weird in that thinking haha I can certainly understand people who want more from a relationship than I do and who really struggle when their needs aren't met.. but I guess my list of needs is just really small? I'm not sure myself, I just know I'm happy most of the time. I also don't rely on a man to provide my happiness. He is a HUGE part of my life. He is an AMAZING piece of my happiness, but as is said time and again happiness comes from within. I don't NEED him to be sleeping in my bed every night to know he loves me. He sincerely loves us both, in different ways, and him loving her takes nothing away from the love he has for me. If I were a different person, because of different events in my life, or my scenario were different, then I'd probably NOT feel this way, and I might want different things, but I am who I am, my life is what it s, and I do feel this way. The attempt to belittle one's feelings I see lately here is alarming. I didn't have to "convince" myself I'm happy, I truly am. More people should realize that relationships should enhance your life, not become it. They would find more happiness themselves that way. I loved this 1
Praying4Peace Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I really like this question, although a couple of the responses irk me. lol Personally I've always been the pleasing type. I gain happiness by knowing I bring happiness to those I care deeply about (this is also why all my pets are fat haha). So if MM is happy by my being around, even if he's still with his wife, then I'm glad. I would like if we were a normal couple but I don't want him to leave his wife for me, I would want him to leave because he's truly not happy at home. Not because of some sense of feeling "noble" but because I think it would be a bad decision on his end. His wife provides him much more than I can... they have a child, families are intertwined, a history together and she even helps on the social/networking part of his business... add to that a concern about how well our relationship would survive if he dumped all that just for emotional attachment. I just don't see it as being practical since, as far as I'm aware, we're both happy with the current set up... not that it makes an A alright, but I just don't want to give him up at this point. He does a lot to make me happy to the point we almost have competition with it lol It's mostly small things here and there but that's all I need. A picked flower from the garden is worth more to me than a diamond ring and I guess I apply that mentality to my A as well. The more I read posts from others the more I realize that maybe I'm just weird in that thinking haha I can certainly understand people who want more from a relationship than I do and who really struggle when their needs aren't met.. but I guess my list of needs is just really small? I'm not sure myself, I just know I'm happy most of the time. I loved this But see...you and LFH are HAPPY. I thought this thread was for those who weren't happy with the situation and wanted more but stayed because it was what MM wanted.
So happy together Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I was always sweet and nice with my MM. Wish I would have been more of my meaner and rude self. Guess the relationship wouldn't have lasted as long. Still have M men hit on a me quite a bit and I make fun of them to their faces about being losers. They don't seem to like that too much. I am now, and was always happy in my R. I will say there is a reason we stick around. My bf makes my life so good. BUT it was good before he came along. He is the frosting. And he treats me well. Our R is better than most marriages and certainly a million times better than his own. We're together now and it is SO good. I can't even describe it. I've won the lottery. It does happen.
So happy together Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 But see...you and LFH are HAPPY. I thought this thread was for those who weren't happy with the situation and wanted more but stayed because it was what MM wanted. Guess what? If there are those who are not happy they are free to leave their relationship. I am happy. He makes me happy. I took the jump because I knew he was meant for me. I don't regret it.
Leiden Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 But see...you and LFH are HAPPY. I thought this thread was for those who weren't happy with the situation and wanted more but stayed because it was what MM wanted. I suppose the question is mainly for OW who would rather not be in an A setup but tolerate it. I want to discuss MM’s happiness vs. OW’s and how many current and former OW felt that what they were willing to accept for MM to be happy was reciprocated? In other words, did you/do you feel as though how your relationship plays/played out, your happiness is/was tended to/compromised for as much as MM’s? At what expense to you did MM's happiness come? At what expense to MM did your happiness come? As per the OP, I would rather not be in an A. As I've said I would prefer to be with MM in a normal relationship, but I'm still happy with the way things are... it's just not an ideal situation. Even though it's not perfect I do many things to make MM happy I always feel like he returns the favor adequately. I know I may be on the outlines here but I thought my response would still apply, especially since comments from happy OW seem to be what spawned this thread. If not, my apologies and please disregard my post.
Author MissBee Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 But see...you and LFH are HAPPY. I thought this thread was for those who weren't happy with the situation and wanted more but stayed because it was what MM wanted. Anyone could answer, but yea, I did specify that it's specifically relevant for those who wanted/want MM to leave, but having a family and them made him happy; how do they in particular balance their own happiness against his in that case?
Author MissBee Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 About happiness.......during the time I knew I was the ow and even the other times with him, when I didn't know. I put my happiness on hope of the future. That was a big mistake clearly and it's not a healthy choice for any relationship. I've also came to believe that true happiness can not come off the backs of someone's elses pain. I also think that just looking at the happiness you feel today isn't a wise decision for an ow. Too much living in the moment in any relationship, gives you tunnel vision. Wise words! I definitely think with all things one needs balance. You can live too far into the future as well as too much in the present, so as to be shortsighted. 1
Got it Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 This makes sense. In my initial post I also said this is a topic which relates to all relationships and in another comment I made in the thread I said that I think in all relationships, I weigh the compromises and I can also feel whether or not we're both doing all we can and it's a fair compromise, or do I feel like my partner's happiness or needs to be happy are unfair to me or come at a great expense to me or not. Do I feel like he is getting "everything" or the "lion's share" and more stuff on his terms and I less? It makes sense that one can probably accept less in the short term, but it's a constant reassessing as time goes by, whether or not you feel like your willingness to make your partner happy is reciprocated in kind, or do they seem pleased as punch for you to make them happy, but in order to make you happy, they have more reservations. Some people talk about "love banks" as well with the same idea in mind, love languages. We all have different needs, or different acts that will fulfill us so for some, this idea will weigh heavier for some than with others. And for some the weight will vary over time. I think relationships do take a lot of compromising and I think one needs to sacrifice at times but it is about the big picture and does the bad outweigh the good for a reasonable amount of time.
tryingto Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 First, I want to preface my response with I do agree that we cannot rely on someone to make us happy. That my own happiness is mine to create and control. That being said... As my relationship with ex-MM progressed, my "contentment" with the relationship and with him overall lessened. He chose to tell me his marriage was over early on. Looking back, he was a really, really convincing "future-faker" and I did believe him. I thought we wanted the same things for our relationship until he proved otherwise. I did start expecting more because he was good at promising it but then backed it up with very little honesty and very little action. If I knew that his desire and goals for our relationship didn't match mine, our relationship would've ended much earlier. Towards the end, I did sacrifice my happiness for the "hope" of "our" future. I ended our A when I could no longer deny to myself how little he valued what I needed within the context of our relationship to make me content/satisfied/happy with it.
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