Laid back or not interested?

[alibalibee]

Hey,

 

I met a guy (he's 25, I'm 28) a couple of months ago on POF and we had our first date, which went brilliantly, 8 weeks ago. Before we actually met, we used to text each other a few times, every day, with great banter. He'd mostly iniate the chat and just sometimes send me random things to make me smile, I loved it and thats what made me start to like him and want to meet him. After the first date, he text me saying he had a great night and would like to see me again. We met a few nights after, had another great time and he sent a similar text after.

 

However, since we initially met, he really hardly gets in touch anymore. We'll have the odd text, most of which he ends up not replying to mine which might just even ask how his weekend was etc. Ive been very careful not to double text or contact/chase him though as I know not to chase a guy or contact too much. Since the two first dates, we've seen each other probably initially about once a week, now its more like once every week and a half/two weeks. He is a busy guy, does a lot of sport and socialising which is totally fine - however, there is such a lack of contact compared to how it was. No banter texts etc. I can go 4 or 5 days sometimes without hearing anything from him. To me, this seems like a total lack of interest and effort. He doesn't seem bothered when he next sees me again or makes an effort to know what I'm up to.

 

I have twice (quite drunkenly unfortunately) brought this up with him and his response (what I remember!!) has pretty much been that his relationship with his ex (that finished 2 years ago!!) was really intense, they seen each other constantly etc (she ended up cheating on him so I think he's been really hurt) and I think he doesnt want to make that mistake again. Last week when I brought it up more seriously and told him its kind of been knocking my confidence not hearing from him, he did seem genuinely shocked like he wasn't aware of his actions. I had mentioned that the last time I stayed at his, it felt like he wanted rid of me quickly in the morning, he was like nooo that wasn't the case at all. I stayed last week and he did make a proper effort for me to stay the next day and we hung about with his housemates watching films. He had also said that he still thinks about a surprise date that I had planned and really enjoyed it etc, maybe he's just crap at communication! men! I was hopeful that this would be the start of a turnaround but its been the same this week in terms of no contact. I've met his friends a couple of times on nights out, he's came off the dating site (not because of me directly, he wasn't really into it anyway) and so I doubt very much he's seeing other people.

 

We get on really great together. However, I just always thought, if a guy was really into you, he'd want to contact you even just to see how your day was or make arrangements to meet again. To me, no contact means that he's not even thinking about me. He's either extremely laid back and geuinely doesn't realise that he's pretty crap at this or really not that interested and maybe just not brave enough to actually tell me that? He is genuinely a nice guy I think and I doubt he'd mess me around on purpose.

 

I'm not the most confident of people. My only previous experience of dating someone that turned into a relationship was very instant and very intensive so Ive never experienced this taking it slow and proper dating malarky. Because he is pretty laid back, I dont want to send him a heavy text message about this and scare him off (lets face it my drunken psycho actions last week wont have helped things!) I've been close to just ending things completely though as it is getting me down and knocking my confidence, but I dont want to as there could potentially be something there, I think I'd regret it.

 

So here it is - after two months of dating, should it be more obvious he's into me/should he be making more of an effort to be in touch? OR should I relax and see that he's had me meet his friends etc take that as a sign he likes me and he's just crap at keeping in touch, very laid back or just wants to take things really slow?

 

Any insight etc would be much appreciated! Thanks so much xxx

[Sunshine87]

Hey! Have you slept together?

[alibalibee]

Yes we have...a couple of times now. Which of course with how its going I did initially regret possibly doing it too soon, but it felt right and feels like romantic sex, not fooling around etc. Would totally agree, not ideal though!!!

[scorpio1978]

I seriously hope to get a lot of input here being that I posted the exact same thing last week about someone I am dating for 2 months who does this. Once or twice a week dating at first now barely once a week, every other week if that. I get a random text here and there and tried talking to him about it, telling him that I got the vibe that he wasn't very interested in me anymore, asking him if he would tell me if he wasn't and he said "Of course, I don't play games". What else is he going to say? But he never said much more than that. I told him I was feeling a little hurt because I am not seeing him as much anymore and I sent him a text which he ignored prior to that conversation. He told me he gets busy at work and didn't seem to make much more of an effort to explain it further. I don't think he is dating anyone else either, but who knows? We are not with our guys 24/7 and who is the say the one or two days we spend with them, they aren't giving the same amount of time with someone else?

 

I think we women look at meeting the friends and family a little differently too. I got super excited when my guy brought me over for a party at his house with all his guy friends and their girlfriends. It felt like I was being introduced and accepted, but one person posted on my one of my threads, that he may have done that more out of convenience. Here I was thinking I was "in". I felt the same when I met his family, come to find out that he sees them maybe every 6 months, so it's not a tight knit group to begin with.

 

My guy's wife left him after 3 years because she was lonely and didn't feel he was spending enough time with her. She worked from home and had few friends here. I never asked about how she conveyed her unhappiness if she ever did, but I heard through the grapevine that he was truly shocked and didn't realize how she was feeling. Leads me to believe my guy is just really clueless and not big on conversation. It's that reason that I feel that talking to him directly is the best route, but he gets squeamish when I try to have a serious conversation. I got the vibe several weeks ago that he was losing interest, but too lazy or whatever to tell me and not enough balls to break it off. Part of me feels he may still have some issues with his ex and I don't want to drill on him and make him feel bad, but why should I have to suffer. Why should your self esteem feel bad?

 

I think you should stay away from alcohol when you have these talks and sit him down, face to face and tell him exactly what you wrote here- that it's hurtful to you that there is little effort on his part now, Give him the opportunity to discuss with you what he is thinking and where this is going. He might have no idea that he is being this way and either turn on the effort, or end it.

 

You could also do what one poster told me which is kinda drop off the face of the Earth yourself. Stop initiating, stop trying and see if he comes around. I can't do that personally. I hate the not knowing.

 

I have gotten to the point where I feel that I don't want somebody like this. I don't want a man that clueless that basic decency is lost because he is just a dummy. You deserve better too.

 

I am a big fan of gut instinct too. We were born with it, so don't ignore it. If you feel that he was trying to rush you out, he probably was and got called out on it, so had you stick around a little.

 

I don't have a good feeling about this one and I don't have a good feeling about my situation too. I hope you get some clarity and please keep us posted? I am curious to know how this turns out for you since we have so much in common in this situation. I wish you the best.

[scorpio1978]

Yes we have...a couple of times now. Which of course with how its going I did initially regret possibly doing it too soon, but it felt right and feels like romantic sex, not fooling around etc. Would totally agree, not ideal though!!!

 

 

Not ideal and I did the same too, but don't beat yourself up. It had to happen sometime and if it feels right, then go for it. I have gotten over the certain time frame in which it's socially acceptable to have sex with a person. Does it make the guy lose interest because he got the prize? Maybe, but I slept with a person on out second date and we were together for 5 years. If a guy looks at that as there being nothing more to you after sleeping with you, then he is really immature.

[alibalibee]

Wow! thanks for the reply Scorpio!

 

I feel your pain! I think our situations are slightly different in a way though as I dont feel like we are at the stage of having big deep and meaningful conversations yet. We are both quite young and definitely even younger at heart so it wouldnt feel right - it would also scare him off in a flash!

 

Yeah, I think the meeting friends thing is positive to an extent, but because they are just a nice group of guys, all say 24-27, they will be used to seeing lots of girls come and go for sure! I work with one of his mates and we get on well, he kind of talks to me like me and this guy are more of a thing than I feel we are right now.

 

I think your guy must find it a lot harder after going through a divorce though, I wouldn't know how to deal with that to be honest.

 

You are completely right though. I am one of these people that all my friends come to for advice. And I know deep down I would tell my friends in my situation to finish this dating situation - he's not doing your confidence any good. If he wanted you, he'd work for it. I've always thought it was that simple - and should be that simple.

 

I think I'll need to drop off the face of the Earth, I'm not wanting to have a big serious conversation with him - we both aren't really like that. If he chases me, amazing....if not...crap times but there you go! (I will probably cave in and text to see how he is in a few days haha!)

 

Hope it works out with your guy too, good luck and thanks!

[Sunshine87]

Oh no, I wasn't judging you! I just wanted a chronology of the events.

I think you have your answer. His actions are certainly not indicative of high interest level and it's only been two months. It's best you cut off now, before you get hurt any further.

 

Think about it- Your self confidence is already affected only after two months. The negative impact this "relationship" is having on you exceeds the positive impact. That is a very bad sign.

 

It really irks me when some men use excuses such as a cheating ex a justification to treat women like crap. Most people have been through heartbreaks but that does not give them the license to play the "he/she hurt me so I will treat you like crap" cards. It's really just a lot load of BS so please don't buy it.

 

I have come across men who have been hurt deeply in the past. This does not affect their ability to connect or develop meaningful relationships with other women. But they exercise more caution because of their trust issues. That is normal and expected but what your guy is doing is not.

 

I know how painful it might be for you. But nothing you wrote has indicated sufficient level of interest. Some men will string you along for as long as they can and give you bread crumbs. Eventually, they will cut you off. In other words, you have to determine the sort of behaviour that you will put up with. They won't.

 

So my vote: lack of interest. Pls cut him off as soon as you can. I know it's hard and difficult but that is the best option. What do you think?

[alibalibee]

haha no problem!! I'd judge me for it haha!! Thanks for your reply, really is appreciated.

 

I've drafted so many texts with the usual "lets be friends" message to him, and just never been able to send it for some reason. It's all very random, I've been very happily single for over a year and have always been the one thats picky, not wanted more than one or two dates etc so I really feel different with this one. Annoying!!

 

Its not good at all that I'm letting him affect me. I hate feeling vulnerable. I had an awful past relationship where I thought I'd never be able to trust again, but never use that as an excuse for meeting new people now - so I dont like his excuses either. I think its more that he's really laid back, happy being single and just really taking time to see how it goes. I guess I'm more of an intense person and feel like still being at this stage 2 months down the line is really slow.

 

I 100% agree with you - I should cut him off. A lot easier said than done, but I am erring more on that side of things now....thanks again for your input its much appreciated and will hopefully make me see the light!

[SweetLikeCinnamon]

It could be because it's now been established that you both like each other so he doesn't feel the need to message you, as he knows that you're there and like him and that you'll be seeing each other.

[Drseussgrrl]

The guy I've been dating for about a month now is kind of like this. He won't message me sometimes for a few days. He told me upfront that he appreciates his alone time, and during those times I just stay busy with my own friends doing my own thing. We're moving at a slow-ish pace but every time we're together, it gets better and better.

 

He likes that I'm not up his butt 24/7. I don't ask why he hasn't called or texted. Men will always do what they want. This morning I left his place, and he gave me a key to his apartment and told me to come back whenever I wanted today (I told him I'd make him dinner tonight after work). I asked if he needed some down time after work before I came back, and he said no, absolutely not. Then a bit later I get a text - "Thank you for asking if I needed some down time today..." It shows him that I'm a confident, self-reliant woman with or without him around.

 

Here's the thing though... I rarely reach out to him. He comes to me on his own terms and I like it that way, because I can gauge his interest level. At this point it's been slow and steady. I say back off, and let him come to you. You'll know where you stand soon enough.

 

I gotta go for now though... he's picking me up on his motorcycle for a ride.

[alibalibee]

Thanks guys.

 

I do rarely chase him - I've made a total effort to not come across as me chasing him so its only been the drunk conversations really.

 

We text a little on Thurs and I didn't reply to his last text etc - things like that and I'll normally make it so he's the first to get in touch. I always said I wouldn't chase a guy

 

He just sent me a random snap chat so I think not replying on Thurs helped a bit x

[Drseussgrrl]

Just keep in mind that there is the possibility that he's not into you. It really shouldn't be about playing games. It's just natural for me to pull back when I sense my dude needs some breathing room, and he appreciates it.

 

We ARE, however, progressing slowly. He should be asking you out.

[alibalibee]

I 100% agree, thanks. If it was just to be him contacting me once/twice a week, not coming up with future dates, I'd stop it as thats not what I'm looking for.... I of course want to eventually be with someone that wants to spend time with me!

 

He best come up with something soon!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I'm a guy and, thus, I don't have any creative psychobabble.

 

Generally, if it seems like a guy is dropping off, then that's probably what is happening.

 

Personally, while I do like my alone time, if I really like a girl, I want to talk to her as much as possible.

 

Not all guys are like that, but many are.

[scorpio1978]

I agree with previous posts about how if you feel that is what is happening, then there is a reason for it and if you have to verbalize to a man that you are not feeling desired or wanted, then you probably are not desired or wanted. He will show you.

 

I hung out with a male friend of mine last night who I haven't seen in a long time and he opened doors for me, pulled out my chair, was attentive all night and texted me this morning about how much fun he had with me last night and it wasn't even a date!! Just friends. I thought to myself how pathetic it is that I am pining over a man who does none of those things, yet who I choose to be intimate with and have the simple mind to actually ask on a site if he is interested in me. Wow. What a moron I am. Ali, I hope you get some clarity soon. I really do. There are too many good guys out there who will not leave us guessing. No man or woman should have to deal with this. Unless they choose to, that is.

 

 

To update you on how my situation is, I got so fed up with thinking and obsessing about it and not hearing from my guy all weekend that I sent him a text and told him how I felt. I guess I could have called, but it was easier this way and gave me time to retype if I needed to. I was going to do the dropping off thing too, but every time the phone rang, I would think it was him. I decided to be more vocal and make it more definitive.

 

I told him that for weeks now, I have felt that his interest is dropping off and he doesn't want to get to know me further or date anymore, that it is making me feel bad personally and making me feel awkward around him when I do get to see him. Texts and phone calls have dropped off and making plans have stopped and it's obvious to me why. I told him I like giving him his space and how I don't want to push the issue, but that at some point it needs to be addressed. I just said that I think I want/need more than he does. It has been 8 hours and I got no reply. Not really sure I wanted one at first. It felt so good to get it out. But, I think it would be a decent thing to do to acknowledge in some way. Guess he isn't into the decent way of treating people, so I know in the long run, I did the right thing. Deep down, I wanted him to reply that I got it all wrong and how he didn't realize he was acting that way, but let's get serious. Like someone else posted here, these guys are not that inept.

 

Let us know how dropping off for a bit works for you. I hope I never have to use that tactic and can finally meet the right one, but you never know. Good luck