surfergirlkate93 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 We all know the line “once a cheater, always a cheater”. It’s obviously not always true but more often than not it is. So I have a dilemma because right now I am debating whether to enter a relationship with a self confessed cheater. I met a man on holidays about a year and a half ago and we had a holiday fling. He’s smart, funny, attractive, charming and I fell for him. After the holiday we kept in touch (facebook, email, the usual stuff) and during this time he has confided that he is a serial cheater. He says he has cheated on every partner he has had. He wants to settle down but has never found the right partner. Nine months ago he claims that I am that right partner he is seeking. We have been out on a number of dates since then and I am thoroughly enjoying myself with him, he makes me feel special. I have never so much as seen him looking at another woman when I have been with him. He really makes me feel like I am the centre of his universe. He now wants to start getting more serious. If I didn’t know of his past I would jump at the chance. Of course it is that past which is giving me hesitation. I have been open and honest with him and told him this. He says he understands and he can do no more than give me his solemn promise that with me, his cheating ways are over. He has asked me to take a chance and that time will prove all I need to know. Am I just setting myself up for a fall or is it possible that a serial cheater really has commitment in him? Should I give him a chance?
KatZee Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I think you're asking to be cheated on if you date this person. He's admitted to cheating on EVERY.SINGLE.PARTNER and I know women like to think, "He says I'm special! I clearly must be different! He won't do it to me!" Yes. He will. It's not as if he's even owning up to the cheating and accepting the responsibility. He says he's "cheated on every partner" because he hasn't "met the right woman." Oh, so now it's the woman's fault he cheated because she wasn't the right one? How about... if she wasn't the right woman, he just end the relationship? His serial cheating and his inability to take responsibility and accept the fact that HE has deeply rooted issues which make him cheat on women is a huge red flag. I think you should have cut the dating off the second he even told you this, instead of continuing to date him and fall further. 2
Author surfergirlkate93 Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 I think you're asking to be cheated on if you date this person Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. He says he's "cheated on every partner" because he hasn't "met the right woman." I hope I don't come across sounding desperate with this statement but what if that is true, what if I am the right woman? I wouldn't go so far to say I am in love with him yet but I do feel a very strong connection. I would hate to throw away something that could be perfect because of something he did to someone I don't know before we even met. On the other hand I would hate to be made to look the fool if he does cheat on me.
apple OR orange Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 He said when he finds the right one, and you could be the right one, only you can decide... on a side note... heads up all the nice guys again, see this, he cheats on women, and yet she still wants to go out with him AND i bet he had a simular chat with other women as well, 4th time in about 2 weeks period.... the proof just keeps adding up...
KatZee Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I hope I don't come across sounding desperate with this statement but what if that is true, what if I am the right woman? Don't fall for this. He has absolutely no clue how to be in a relationship. All he knows how to do is date women, and then cheat on them because they're not right for him. I don't think this guy has any clue how to be faithful, or how to maintain and sustain a long term relationship. He's the kind of guy that, down the line is going to be like... "We've been having issues, so I cheated." Sure he can talk big game now and be like, "you're the woman I've been looking for" but with his track record how can you even believe that for one second? I wouldn't. And to start something right off the bat with so much paranoia or lack of trust... it's a recipe for disaster. Can you HONESTLY say with his record, you would put 110% trust in him and not be worried who he's talking to behind your back, or if he'd go and cheat on you down the line if things started going south? He's a serial cheater. Leave it at that. Serial cheaters rarely, if EVER change. That phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" only applies to serial cheaters. It doesn't apply to those who have cheated once, made a mistake, and who have gone on to deeply regret it and never cheat again. This guy has zero qualms cheating on women, and doing it OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. And again, takes zero responsibility for cheating. He just makes excuses for it. "Oh, they weren't the right women." OK so why were you with them then?!?
ChessPieceFace Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I hereby cite this thread as proof that women care little to nothing about a man's integrity.
TheGuard13 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I think you're asking to be cheated on if you date this person. He's admitted to cheating on EVERY.SINGLE.PARTNER and I know women like to think, "He says I'm special! I clearly must be different! He won't do it to me!" Yes. He will. It's not as if he's even owning up to the cheating and accepting the responsibility. He says he's "cheated on every partner" because he hasn't "met the right woman." Oh, so now it's the woman's fault he cheated because she wasn't the right one? How about... if she wasn't the right woman, he just end the relationship? His serial cheating and his inability to take responsibility and accept the fact that HE has deeply rooted issues which make him cheat on women is a huge red flag. I think you should have cut the dating off the second he even told you this, instead of continuing to date him and fall further. Boy, you're making a lot of assumptions, aren't you? She's said nothing about any of that. He never said it was the womens' fault he cheated on them. He said he hadn't met the right woman. That's not putting the blame on the woman in the least. Nor do I see anything that suggests he's got an inability to take responsibility...he's flat out admitting to cheating before to a potential mate. He's being honest, and open about it. A serial cheater doesn't usually go around saying "By the way, I'm probably going to cheat on you". Because the very act of cheating requires more dishonesty than that. Serial cheaters cheat because on some level, they enjoy cheating, and everything that goes along with it. This guy probably has some issues. It's likely he will struggle with fidelity. But it's not a given that he will cheat on her, either. OP, given the circumstances (he's warning you), you should probably decide if you can handle it if he cheats on you, and if you can't even handle the idea, you should end it. Though you've been seeing him for nine months. I think it's a bit irresponsible to get into a relationship with someone for this long and THEN suddenly have an issue with this. Surely he told you about this a while ago and you've thought about it by now.
Author surfergirlkate93 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 OP, given the circumstances (he's warning you), you should probably decide if you can handle it if he cheats on you, and if you can't even handle the idea, you should end it. Though you've been seeing him for nine months. I think it's a bit irresponsible to get into a relationship with someone for this long and THEN suddenly have an issue with this. Surely he told you about this a while ago and you've thought about it by now. We haven't been in a relationship for 9 months. We met on a holiday, clicked and had a very passionate 2 weeks together. After that we kept in contact through facebook etc. Nine months ago we started going out a bit together but it was more 'friends with beneifts' than a relationship. Now he wants a relationship (exclusivity). I believe during the 9 months he has been exclusive by choice but I had seen a couple of other people. you should probably decide if you can handle it if he cheats on you, and if you can't even handle the idea, you should end it. I wouldn't like to be cheated on, I don't think anybody would. It is definitely a downside that I have to be aware of but I also see a huge upside if he is true to his word. I am no angel myself, I have cheated in the past, but I know when committed in a relationship I would never consider it. It's all about being honest and ending the relationship and moving on before it gets to cheating. I have seen the way I have hurt people in the past and have learned my lesson, maybe he has too? I do believe he is serious when he says he wont cheat. We have been FWB for a while now so there is no need for him to pursue a relationship with me if it is just about sex. He must want the relationship for other reasons. I know he is serious, i just don't know whether he's capable. My thought is that if I make it very clear that if things don't work out to just end it before the cheating starts then we should be all ok. Am I making any sense or am I just trying to justify getting into a relationship which subconsciously I know I shouldn't.
2sure Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Lack of trust poisons relationships. It's insidious. You already don't trust him.
2sure Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Lack of trust poisons relationships. It's insidious. You already don't trust him. And he isn't a serial cheater because he never found the right one. He is a serial cheater because he has no integrity. 2
carhill Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 IMO, admitted serial cheater + FWB = zero relationship/marriage prospect. I'd stick with the FWB if he's a good lover and look for a relationship elsewhere. Good luck.
Author surfergirlkate93 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 IMO, admitted serial cheater + FWB = zero relationship/marriage prospect. I'd stick with the FWB if he's a good lover and look for a relationship elsewhere. Good luck. He is the one that first floated the idea of a serious relationship. If he has no intention of following through on that why would he propose it? He is getting all that he wants already anyway, everything besides the commitment.
carhill Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Mind-games. An admitted serial cheater has the physical and mental abilities to engage multiple women repeatedly. He knows how to read women and knows what they like to see and what they like to hear. In my generation, this is known as the 'smooth-talking womanizer'. Perhaps an antiquated label, but IMO apt. I'm sure a conversation with some of his past partners would be enlightening. 1
Author surfergirlkate93 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Mind-games. You think he wants to get me to commit just because he can? And once I do commit then he has "won", he has broken me down, and is free to move on to the next conquest? Is that the gist of what you are saying?
carhill Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I have a saying from my days as a MM: 'I do what I do' I wouldn't ascribe some well-thought-out and specific 'plan' to his words and actions, rather think of it as a muscle being involuntarily flexed. He does what works. Clearly, as evidenced by your continued consideration and participation as a FWB, what he's doing is working. All of his apparent 'honesty' apparently impels a reaction to continue with him, even though the revelations themselves might be viewed as repugnant in a vacuum. He's been in this rodeo before and knows how to ride the bull. 1
KathyM Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Well, I don't know which is more sad--the men who will say or do anything and get away with it, or the women who want that man, and somehow think they have the magic formula that will change him, when every other woman before her could not.
Author surfergirlkate93 Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Well, I don't know which is more sad--the men who will say or do anything and get away with it, or the women who want that man I don't think it is fair to suggest that just because he has cheated in the past that he doesn't deserve to have a partner for the rest of his life. Doesn't being honest and open about so that a prospective partner goes in with their eyes open make a difference? I have cheated in the past, I believe I have learned my lesson. But am I too still so damaged that I don't deserve a partner?
carhill Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 When was your most recent date? Since you've been on a number of dates and have had a sexual relationship with him in the past, when was the last time you were at his home? Homes say a lot about a man. Does he know that you have infidelity in your past? If yes, when did that disclosure occur?
Kelemvor Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I don't think it is fair to suggest that just because he has cheated in the past that he doesn't deserve to have a partner for the rest of his life. Doesn't being honest and open about so that a prospective partner goes in with their eyes open make a difference? I have cheated in the past, I believe I have learned my lesson. But am I too still so damaged that I don't deserve a partner? You're looking for reassurance and validity in your reasoning. It's obvious that you want to date him, regardless of what anyone says. So, date him. Obviously, anyone who admits to cheating in every single relationship is at increased risk to cheat again and you will have nobody to blame but yourself as he freely admitted it to you. Sure, people cheat. I've cheated though I don't consider myself a "cheater" in the habitual sense and certainly agree that everyone makes mistakes and can change their ways. That being said, I'd say it's a big red flag for a guy to say he's had many relationship and cheated in every single one and naive to think that yours is somehow going to be any different. Good luck.
TheGuard13 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 We haven't been in a relationship for 9 months. We met on a holiday, clicked and had a very passionate 2 weeks together. After that we kept in contact through facebook etc. Nine months ago we started going out a bit together but it was more 'friends with beneifts' than a relationship. Now he wants a relationship (exclusivity). I believe during the 9 months he has been exclusive by choice but I had seen a couple of other people. That's a relationship. It's not an exclusive one, but it is a relationship. Because you've been in contact, you're a bit attached at this point, I'd guess. I am no angel myself, I have cheated in the past, but I know when committed in a relationship I would never consider it. It's all about being honest and ending the relationship and moving on before it gets to cheating. I have seen the way I have hurt people in the past and have learned my lesson, maybe he has too? Exactly. I do believe he is serious when he says he wont cheat. We have been FWB for a while now so there is no need for him to pursue a relationship with me if it is just about sex. He must want the relationship for other reasons. I know he is serious, i just don't know whether he's capable. I see nothing wrong with giving him a shot, as long as you understand the risks (you do). ANYONE can cheat on ANYONE, so it'd be the same with him or another guy. My thought is that if I make it very clear that if things don't work out to just end it before the cheating starts then we should be all ok. That sounds reasonable. Am I making any sense or am I just trying to justify getting into a relationship which subconsciously I know I shouldn't. No, that makes perfect sense. There's nothing subconscious about any of this. You're consciously aware of the situation and the risks and your feelings about it, as you're discussing them openly here.
RedRobin Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 He is the one that first floated the idea of a serious relationship. If he has no intention of following through on that why would he propose it? He is getting all that he wants already anyway, everything besides the commitment. Because serial cheaters like to know where their partners are when they aren't with them. They often have no problems justifying their own cheating, but would be really upset if they were cheated on... If the relationship were open, it wouldn't be as much 'fun' for people with that mindset. They thrive on the drama and intrigue. Do you?? Thrive on drama and intrigue? Because really... there are lots of people out there who don't engage in this behavior you might find.
Author surfergirlkate93 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 We had a long long talk last night. We were very honest and open with each other about what we expect from the relationship, from ourselves and from each other. He has his faults but says he wants to change and I believe him. If I have been sucked in to a bunch of lies it will be a lesson learned but I don't believe that to be the case. He actually shredded his "little black book" of numbers in front of me and also deleted the same file from his PC. I thought that was a bit corny, I don't expect him to extinguish his past as long as he is honest going forward.
runningfar Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I am all for forgiveness, but this guy didn't mention work he's done on himself that leads to his cheating on every partner. He shifted it to the right woman - which means that when the normal relationship discordance that pops in every relationship, he'll have no problem saying, "Well, I wouldn't cheat except she's doing x and y" It's putting the responsibility for the cheating on the woman, not on himself. Wanting to change does not mean he's put in any work to change. Which has to be what he wants not for you- that never sticks. I'd call him on this. I wouldn't risk it. And I am someone who absolutely could forgive someone who had cheated in their past.
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