loono88 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Hi everyone, I have lurked on here for several months but have just decided to join as I've seen some of the advice given to others and I feel it's just what I need. Apologies in advance for the length of this. To start with, some context. I'm 26, have had 2 serious boyfriends before. The first lasted 2 years, was emotionally abusive and dogged with unhappiness and infidelity on his part, but y'know, first love and all that. It ultimately ended with my parents having to come and physically bring me back home to get away from him (I was at University at the time), so I did not have the chance to finish my degree, had to leave all the friends I had made at uni etc, he basically ruined my whole university experience. The second was a really good guy, we were together for 11 months, loved me to the moon and back, but at the time it just didn't work out. We were pretty young (23) and I felt it was too intense at the time. About a year after breaking up with my second boyfriend, I met a new guy. To me, he was perfect, he was the one. We were together for 18 months, and I believe, in fact, I know, I was the perfect girlfriend to him. His family and friends loved me, they all thought he had finally found the one. He was a little older (29) and his family made no qualms in telling me he had been very hurt before by girls and they were so pleased to see him with someone who loved him so much. He was everything to me, I idolised him. We lived 2 hours away but I would travel to stay with him every other weekend. In the back of my mind, I knew he had issues, he would never say he loved me back, he didn't like deep conversations about the future of our relationship. He sometimes didn't reply to texts for days when we were apart. But when we were together, I knew he was into me. There were 2 instances during this time when I had seen his profile on dating websites, I confronted him, he deleted them immediately, I made allowances because I loved him. Fast forward 18 months, due to past issues, I stupidly snooped on his phone. My inkling was right because it was full of texts to other girls. Inappropriate,flirty, sexual, you know the type. One especially to a girl he worked with, who I'd met on several occasions, who was getting married and had 2 kids of her own. I confronted him, and it all came out. He said he didn't know if he would ever be ready for a serious relationship, he said I was perfect but he couldn't give me what I wanted, he had issues and needed to address them before he could love someone else blah blah. So we broke up, it broke my heart, I don't think I'll ever be the same. This was October last year. Since then, I've been unable to cut him off completely. We've met a handful of times for sex, it's been exactly like it was before, we've been kind to eachother and had fun and it makes me come away devastated. I ask him what's going on, he says nothing has changed and he still has the issues. He says I am ridiculous for putting myself through all the emotional turmoil. All my friends have new fantastic relationships, and I feel I'm always going to be left behind, hung up on this guy. My previous ex, the second one, has come back into my life and has been sympathetic and patient with me, he wants to give us another go again, but truly, men repulse me at the moment and I don't think I will be able to trust another one ever again. Everything reminds me of him, when we met I had just started a new job, I've now almost been there 2 years but even going to work these days reminds me of him. I just don't know what to do. He says he cares for me, and I made him feel the happiest he's ever felt, but he can't give me what I need. I just can't understand why he let me hold on for 18 months, if deep down he felt this way. Why didn't he cut me off at 2 months before I fell so deeply in love with him? His family still talk to me this day and I know his mum is devastated by it all. Any advice would be appreciated, deep down I know the advice is to cut him off, but some harsh words and advice from strangers would really help me I think. Thanks so much.
KatZee Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Yeah... you know what the right thing to do is. You're not moving on and you're still caught up on this guy because you're not even allowing yourself to move on. In your head, you think that just accepting these scraps he throws at you is better than nothing. You need to ask yourself why it's OK for a guy to toss out whatever he feels like and for you to just eat them up like a starving dog. As much as you love him, as much as you saw a future, loved his family/friends... at the end of the day you're not dating them, and you can't have a future with someone who is telling you right to your face that he can't give you what you want. It's even worse that he acknowledges you're being stupid by continuing to go back to him, he KNOWS that you're going through this turmoil and hurting, and instead of being a good guy, he continues calling you up to use your body for sex. Don't make any mistakes here. He's not calling you because he's in love with you and wants to make it work. You're a booty call. He's selfish and he's going to continue to take from you until there's nothing left and you're even more destroyed than you are now. Please do the right thing and remove him from your life.
Veronica2025 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 You don't need harsh words. You just have to know that you deserve to be treated better. That you require that someone love you, say it and demonstrate it. You should set your bar and filter out men who won't do those things. You listed and mapped out what he's done. Therefore I don't have to. Because you have a perfect understanding of who this guy is and what you should do.
Sunshine87 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Your previous ex wants to give it another go but you claim that you feel repulsed by men. However this ex in question did not hurt you and it is so evident that he loves you. You probably don't want to get back with your other ex because you dont love him and are still hung up over your recent ex. Your previous ex is a good guy so don't use that excuse as it's unfair to him. He loved you deeply and did not hurt you. You broke up with him and he still wants you back. That is love! Regarding your current ex, I'm really sorry you went through that. All his excuses are simply that, excuses! A way to get out. You need to fight for your strength and resolve to move on. Cut all contact with his family. You need to let go completely. Cut all ties from all his friends. Block all means of communication with this guy- email, IM, Facebook, whatsapp, bbm...everything. You don't want to wait until you hear that he has moved on with someone else because trust me, it will happen. Life goes on. I know it's hard. But I was in a relationship for over three years. We were supposed to get married as well but he broke up with me for the girl he was cheating on me with. He is currently engaged and they are planning to get married. This breakup occurred when I was 25 years old. I am currently 26 years. I have been forced to move on because he sure has. If I were you, I would not necessarily jump straight into dating but I would consider giving the previous ex a chance. If you don't have any feelings for him however, let him go. But ultimately, you have no choice but to allow your recent ex become a memory. You will miss him but you will learn to live without him...happily. First step- cut all contact and go cold turkey!
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