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How to handle a cheating ex-gf who "wants to be friends"...? !

renee123

By renee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

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It's definitely co-dependency. He told her what he wants and she ignores it and still comes back. That alone shows lack of boundaries. Even though he has requested this, from what he tells you (although I doubt he was so final about it), he still cannot let go because any attention is better than none, especially if he is getting anything physical. It looks like he likes the sex and doesn't want to give that up as long as he can get it. His actions are in-congruent with his words and should not be taken at face value. Get away from this as soon as you can...

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renee123 Member

renee123

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Duly noted.

 

Thank you.

 

I think they are going to fall back into that pattern - maybe they are meant for each other.

 

I am separating myself from this nonsense after this final attempt. It is between the two of them then.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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@CelticGibson: you make some very valid points. There is definitely some push/pull exchange going on. His infatuation is going to be his downfall.

 

He should have given her the boot when she first started "acting out" and leaving the dinner table...well before the cheating even came into the picture. He lets this girl get away with everything. It boggles the mind.

 

After this last effort to help him, I am done. He is on his own then.

 

Do you think there is any chance that she may have learned her lesson and really does just want to be FWB with him? He probably thinks so, but I think he wants more from her. It's absolute madness.

 

He has told her numerous times that it's not healthy and that he can't be in a relationship with her again. Yet, he continues letting her back into his life. Makes me wonder...actions speak louder than words...and his words mean nothing if he is going against them.

 

He has rewarded her bad behavior - and removed any boundary he might have previously had. You can't make him stop...just as he can't "make her stop drinking".

 

She comes back simply because "HE ALLOWS IT"!!!

 

Rewarding bad behavior leads to more bad behavior.

 

Best for YOU (as an outsider- if you are an outsider) - to get out now.

 

It's only likely to look uglier as time goes along.

 

Unless Fred gets serious help - he will sacrifice all of himself just to chase her pussy.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Duly noted.

 

Thank you.

 

I think they are going to fall back into that pattern - maybe they are meant for each other.

 

I am separating myself from this nonsense after this final attempt. It is between the two of them then.

 

Like energy attracts.

 

They are both very broken inside.

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renee123 Member

renee123

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@2Sunny: Yes, like attracts like. I agree with that. Maybe they have more in common than meets the eye. Personally, I wouldn't want such a young, attractive partner because she gets too much attention, which only leads to trouble.

 

I'm just confused as to why he puts up with so much from her? With his wealth and power he can have his pick of many younger women. I suppose it comes back to his infatuation with her.

 

Yes, it is only going to get uglier. I am glad that I will not be around for that!

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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@2Sunny: Yes, like attracts like. I agree with that. Maybe they have more in common than meets the eye. Personally, I wouldn't want such a young, attractive partner because she gets too much attention, which only leads to trouble.

 

I'm just confused as to why he puts up with so much from her? With his wealth and power he can have his pick of many younger women. I suppose it comes back to his infatuation with her.

 

Yes, it is only going to get uglier. I am glad that I will not be around for that!

 

She feeds his ego.

 

There's most likely something about her that he experienced in his youth - and that is familiar to him - "his sense of normal".

 

Some people search out this chaos and keep inviting it back in because they are comfortable with the tornado that's created... Much as in childhood if that's what they experienced growing up.

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renee123 Member

renee123

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Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

 

I always did wonder why he insisted that he wanted a drama-free life, with a stable woman that he could depend on. Yet, he turns around and becomes infatuated with the complete opposite. He must thrive on the drama secretly.

 

I hope he reads this and has a wake-up call. I doubt it, but you never know.

 

I think at his age, and with an ego like his (money + power), he will shun the notion of seeking professional help. I think it's easier for him to just point the finger at her. However, it takes two to tango, and he is enabling her behavior. Like you said, it is happening because he is allowing it to happen.

 

I'm sure if she was less attractive, he would have already given her the boot. Some men just become complete idiots when it comes to a beautiful woman. It's incredible what they are willing to sacrifice.

 

Personally, I think he should find a more mature lady in her 40s. Any woman in her 20s or early 30s is not going to possess the maturity that he is apparently seeking.

 

His ex-wife was very average-looking, so maybe he is compensating for that now. I think it makes him feel like quite the man having a trophy gf, but it is coming at a huge cost.

 

Maybe she can change - with time - but that isn't going to happen over night, and if he is hoping for that he is being delusional. She is still quite young and probably has more wild oats to sow before she grows up and becomes a lady.

Edited by renee123
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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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If she grew up and changed, became stable, predictable and a sober gal making wise choices for herself - he most likely wouldn't find her enticing.

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CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

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It could be a mid life crisis sort of thing. I mean he has done well for himself by working hard and earning all his wealth and status that he didn't really get to enjoy his youth. I'd say he's reliving it now vicariously through her. She makes him feel young and that's a powerful drug for sure.

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renee123 Member

renee123

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If she grew up and changed, became stable, predictable and a sober gal making wise choices for herself - he most likely wouldn't find her enticing.

 

I find your comment very interesting. Do you mind offering more in the way of an explanation?

 

I guess what I am getting at is WHY would he not want her to be stable and wise? He has warned her about drinking in the past, I have even witnessed that myself a time or two. He tried to encourage her to not use alcohol as a mood enhancer - the concept of "in moderation." It just seems like a lot of mind games and such.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Most likely - he grew up with a parent who had drinking issues. He probably played the same role for them - meanwhile living in utter chaos emotionally with unpredictability.

 

His "family of origin" - what HE learn as a child as his sense of well being or "his normal" - so he duplicates it with he choices he makes.

 

No matter how unhealthy he KNOWS it may be - it IS ALL HE KNOWS AS NORMAL. That's why he keeps INVITING IT BACK IN!

 

Unless he does a ton of soul searching and REALLY takes the action to change himself, his choices, his healthy boundary = things will always look this way. It IS the core being of WHO he is.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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And remember - he hands all HIS power to HER pussy.

 

You can't make him stop wanting that!

 

Some gals use it like a weapon!

 

What's in it for her? Is he spending money on her?

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renee123 Member

renee123

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Most likely - he grew up with a parent who had drinking issues. He probably played the same role for them - meanwhile living in utter chaos emotionally with unpredictability.

 

His "family of origin" - what HE learn as a child as his sense of well being or "his normal" - so he duplicates it with he choices he makes.

 

No matter how unhealthy he KNOWS it may be - it IS ALL HE KNOWS AS NORMAL. That's why he keeps INVITING IT BACK IN!

 

Unless he does a ton of soul searching and REALLY takes the action to change himself, his choices, his healthy boundary = things will always look this way. It IS the core being of WHO he is.

 

 

I think you are absolutely correct, and this is exactly what he needs to read. It's hard I'm sure, but as you said, he needs to do some serious soul searching. I believe his parents both died at a young age, and yes, I do believe he mentioned that his father was a drinker, as well as his ex.

Thank you for shedding some light on this, it makes much more sense now.

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renee123 Member

renee123

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It could be a mid life crisis sort of thing. I mean he has done well for himself by working hard and earning all his wealth and status that he didn't really get to enjoy his youth. I'd say he's reliving it now vicariously through her. She makes him feel young and that's a powerful drug for sure.

 

Yes, I agree with your theory. My only question was why he can't find a younger woman who treats him as he deserves to be treated, but I think that question was answered by 2Sunny. He welcomes the abuse, because I suppose that is "normal" for him. Maybe he has masochistic tendencies. He doesn't talk too much about his past etc, so I am just venturing a guess here.

CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

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It's quite possible he has "White Knight" syndrome where he just HAS to take care of her and save her from herself, hence the telling her off over the drinking and so on. She most definitely has "Daddy issues" where she keeps coming back to him to be "forgiven" for her bold behaviour because he's the older one. Sounds like the perfect discordant tryst to me. They both feed off each other and in a way compliment each other, in a sad way, too. Both of them need a lot of help from professionals it seems... Anyway this will drag you down so best get out of it and let them be...

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renee123 Member

renee123

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It's quite possible he has "White Knight" syndrome where he just HAS to take care of her and save her from herself, hence the telling her off over the drinking and so on. She most definitely has "Daddy issues" where she keeps coming back to him to be "forgiven" for her bold behaviour because he's the older one. Sounds like the perfect discordant tryst to me. They both feed off each other and in a way compliment each other, in a sad way, too. Both of them need a lot of help from professionals it seems... Anyway this will drag you down so best get out of it and let them be...

 

 

Yes, you are right. I am glad that I came to this forum and got the right advice, both for him but also for myself. I want to separate myself from this from now on out.

 

He can read these responses on his own time and make his own decisions.

 

As for "daddy issues," I do not know her well enough to comment. I do know that her father is also quite wealthy and successful...guess she feels comfortable with him, as he possesses qualities that she finds "normal."

 

It is quite sad. I hope they both get the help they need, and learn from this.

 

Thank you again for your feedback. I'm sure he will find it useful.

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renee123 Member

renee123

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And remember - he hands all HIS power to HER pussy.

 

You can't make him stop wanting that!

 

Some gals use it like a weapon!

 

What's in it for her? Is he spending money on her?

 

 

As far as I know, she comes from a wealthy family and gets everything she needs from her own father.

 

I suppose he spent money on her while they were in an actual relationship, but not for the months where they were back and forth because they hardly saw each other.

 

He leads a very lavish lifestyle, and when she was his gf she got to participate in that. I think he flew her out to come and see him when he was out of town a few times - and I don't think that is cheap. He also paid for everything - that sort of thing. He has a boat - so they spent a lot of time on it. I think she seems to like the fact that he is much older, very intelligent and well-respected in the community. Odd, because she could have her pick of much younger, successful, hot men in their prime.

Calvin's wagon Established Member

Calvin's wagon

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Hi!

 

I think you are absolutely correct, and this is exactly what he needs to read. It's hard I'm sure, but as you said, he needs to do some serious soul searching. I believe his parents both died at a young age, and yes, I do believe he mentioned that his father was a drinker, as well as his ex.

Thank you for shedding some light on this, it makes much more sense now.

 

I think he would benefit greatly from reading a book called Toxic Parents (by Susan Forward). You can find a free PDF version online if you Google it correctly!

 

In there, there are lots of explanations and examples how losing parents at a young age, having alcoholic parents, etc., influences people, and how it affects their life even in adulthood, including their relationships.

 

Best of wishes to him, and my admiration to you for being a great friend!

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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Does he buy her drugs?

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renee123 Member

renee123

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Does he buy her drugs?

 

 

Definitely not - he does not condone the use of drugs, nor does he want to be with someone who takes them. I think alcohol is the only drug that he accepts.

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renee123 Member

renee123

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Hi!

 

 

 

I think he would benefit greatly from reading a book called Toxic Parents (by Susan Forward). You can find a free PDF version online if you Google it correctly!

 

In there, there are lots of explanations and examples how losing parents at a young age, having alcoholic parents, etc., influences people, and how it affects their life even in adulthood, including their relationships.

 

Best of wishes to him, and my admiration to you for being a great friend!

 

Thank you!

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