Ordinaryday Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Why do dumpers say it? A common response I have heard (as well as figured out for myself, I'm not stupid) is that they think they are being 'nice' by doing this, as it supposedly 'softens the blow' Which is ridiculous! At no time when being dumped with this line have I thought 'oh they still want to be friends, that's such a relief, that cheers me right up and makes the pain much less!', and yet they still say it. This brings me to my next point - it's so fake as well! No woman who has ever given me this line EVER MADE ANY ATTEMPT AT STAYING FRIENDS WITH ME, once they dumped me I NEVER HEARD FROM THEM AGAIN. Why LIE and act like you want to 'stay friends' when you have no intention of remaining friends with this person? This actually has the adverse effect than what was intended, because when I get this line not only does it annoy me at being dumped, I lose a lot of respect for the dumper because they were not even brave enough to give me the truth, and had to dump me with a fake line straight out of the dumper 101 handbook. If she had said to me 'hey it's not working out, I want to break up, all the best with the future, don't contact me ever again' I Would have slightly more respect for her because at least she was being honest. No one wants to hear the 'let's just be friends' line, everyone knows that in 9 out of 10 cases the dumper has NO INTENTION OF REMAINING FRIENDS WITH YOU (despite saying it) and everyone knows it is a blatant lie... And yet dumpers continue to say it when dumping us! Why do they say it when we both know they are lying?
metal_chick Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I think every situation is different. Some people genuinely want to be friends because they don't yet know what a bad idea that is. Some, yes, unfortunately, are trying to system the guilt they feel. I think the important thing is to not tar everyone who says it with the same brush. There's little in the world more emotional than a break up. We all handle it, to some degree, poorly. The impotency thing is to try and maintain decorum. If the dumper asks to be friends, be polite, and tell them "I need some space from this, and I would associate for the time being, if we didn't speak." Then just ignore their attempts to contact you. I do NOT understand why so many people have trouble with this. Maybe I'm just old and experienced... 1
metal_chick Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Urgh, sorry, there were a few typos - bloody tablet. "Alieviate" not "system" and "importance", not "impotency". 2
carhill Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 The 'Let's Just Be Friends' line. Why do dumpers say it? Generally, social lubrication to help themselves feel better about an apparently uncomfortable decision. Very few people, perhaps excluding sociopaths, wish to be viewed as cruel or heartless. Offering a 'consolation' prize, even if not authentically, assuages their feelings surrounding the choice. The other person is generally irrelevant. That's probably instructive. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I found out my ex did it because he wanted to try the relationship again and he could not let go. He did not just want to be "friends". I am still deciding if that is what I actually want and am moving states anyway. If an ex can just be "friends" with you, it means they do not have strong romantic feelings left for you; where as the dumpee likely to still have strong feelings to be able to reciprocate the "friendship". 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Urgh, sorry, there were a few typos - bloody tablet. "Alieviate" not "system" and "importance", not "impotency". :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
CelticGibson Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 "The impotency thing is to try and maintain decorum"... Nah, I think it fits better.... hahahahaha!
metal_chick Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 "The impotency thing is to try and maintain decorum"... Nah, I think it fits better.... hahahahaha! I switched to my laptop, I freakin' hate typos!!
Giha Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I tried being friends with a fresh ex once. Never again...
Cola Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I think sometimes people offer friendship because they want to keep you on standby. They're not quite ready to let go of you yet. In this case it's pretty selfish. They just want to have their cake and eat it. They want to pursue someone else (even if they haven't met you yet) and they don't want to lose you completely. My ex decided to call a break on me months ago, and I was gutted. He kept flirting though and one minute he'd want to see me, the next he didn't. Very recently I told him how much I wanted him back and how I missed him. He said nothing. Then I found out from a mutual friend two weeks ago that he had a girlfriend, and when I asked him about it, they'd been together for months. He then said that he still cared about me but we were just friends. So he made that transition to friendship himself, without me even knowing about it. Very mean, I'm completely broken hearted. I think unless the breakup is mutual and you both feel you're better off as friends, accepting an offer of friendship is a bad idea. Just tell them you love them romantically and that isn't going to change. Friendship wouldn't work, it'd only make you feel bad. So farewell. 1
Antares Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) During my first few breakups I was offered the "just friends". Not knowing any better and wanting to have some part of their lives still, I'd accept. And then I'd never hear from them again. My last few girlfriends didn't even offer it. Which I took as a form of respect. If it were to ever be offered again at some point in the future I'd say flatly..something along the lines of... "no, thanks. I gave you my friendship once. And right now YOU are ending that friendship. Bye". Or perhaps something less jaded. Like: "No thanks. I only have amazing friends. And close friends. I don't have time for any just friends." In the end, it comes down to: 1. Not a real offer. It's just a way to end on a good note. A fake note..but a good note nonetheless. People don't want to be seen as bad, so they try to end by offering 'friendship'. 2. I think there are instances when a woman ends a relationship she might not be 100% sure of her decision. She knows she wants to end it, but there's like 5% uncertainty. So she offers up the "just friends" offer as a way to test out that uncertainty. If you accept the offer, then she knows you're not the kind of guy who respects himself or is BF quality. And boom, the remaining 5% gets filled in and now she knows for absolute certainty that she made the right call. I don't even see this as conscious action, it's all just happening in the brain. 3. The offer is a backdoor to being strung along. The person accepting the offer will use it to passive aggressively try to rekindle the relationship. They don't intend to be real friends, they just want the opportunity to be close to the Ex and try again. Edited June 1, 2013 by Antares 2
soccerrprp Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 During my first few breakups I was offered the "just friends". Not knowing any better and wanting to have some part of their lives still, I'd accept. And then I'd never hear from them again. My last few girlfriends didn't even offer it. Which I took as a form of respect. If it were to ever be offered again at some point in the future I'd say flatly..something along the lines of... "no, thanks. I gave you my friendship once. And right now YOU are ending that friendship. Bye". Or perhaps something less jaded. Like: "No thanks. I only have amazing friends. And close friends. I don't have time for any just friends." In the end, it comes down to: 1. Not a real offer. It's just a way to end on a good note. A fake note..but a good note nonetheless. People don't want to be seen as bad, so they try to end by offering 'friendship'. 2. I think there are instances when a woman ends a relationship she might not be 100% sure of her decision. She knows she wants to end it, but there's like 5% uncertainty. So she offers up the "just friends" offer as a way to test out that uncertainty. If you accept the offer, then she knows you're not the kind of guy who respects himself or is BF quality. And boom, the remaining 5% gets filled in and now she knows for absolute certainty that she made the right call. I don't even see this as conscious action, it's all just happening in the brain. 3. The offer is a backdoor to being strung along. The person accepting the offer will use it to passive aggressively try to rekindle the relationship. They don't intend to be real friends, they just want the opportunity to be close to the Ex and try again. ...and there is... 4. Some, not many, who TRULY DO want to remain friends. I have three exes that I talk to regularly that confirms that. Of course, I was the one who decided it wouldn't work with two of them and the third, well, not certain about that one.
CelticGibson Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I tend to think of it as a buffer for them to still have the familiar around while they adjust to being single. They will still use you for emotional support and a shoulder to cry on without all the commitments a relationship entails. Meanwhile they get to scope new potentials without being alone while doing it. Eventually when the new guy/girl enters their lives, you will suddenly find that your "friendship" is not required any more. You have served your purpose. It's better to tell them that "I get to choose my friends, not you. I have enough friends thanks" and walk away. 2
Vanguard_50 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 It is worth noting there is a difference between remaining "friends" and remaining "friendly". In cases where there is really limited, nearly zero possibility of crossing paths, it is easy to discount "being friends" (for many of the reasons already discussed here) and essentially part ways and maintain only memories of the experience, but none to be made anew. But there are circumstances, where there is NO WAY to avoid interaction - you work together, you still have the same set of mutual friends/social scene, you have children together. In these cases, remaining "friendly", civil, productive is paramount. Seeing the ex "in the arms" of another, or jointly parenting a child, bonding anew, sexually & romantically advancing with another - can be difficult for sure. But for your own healing, your own forward movement, you have to forgive (& sometimes forget) - and move on.
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