Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

This might be a long vent, but that's what this site is here for right? I will try to keep it short.

 

 

Three years ago I went through a really bad separation and eventually divorce with my husband. He cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me, put our house in foreclosure, took my car, and left. He had been my only boyfriend and I was broken for quite sometime, but last year got back into the dating world.

 

 

I met my (now ex) boyfriend and he was incredible from the beginning. Sweet, charming, funny, supportive, understanding, acted like everything about me was the best thing ever. Loved my pets, loved my dorkiness, was sensitive about my past and was understanding about some of my hesitations in our relationship. He was/is a great guy, showed me that he was interested in me as a person and not the jerk guy who just wants action. For the first time I had a guy really care about me. He hit the ground running and wanted to be exclusive right away and move in together after only a month, and after just two months was saying he loved me and wanted to marry me.

 

He had never had a relationship last more than a few months, so he was eager to get things going. Naturally I was the breaks in the relationship, but never brought them to an all out stop. I kept us at a steady pace, still fast for me, but not too uncomfortably so. We had been dating 9 months, everything was great, he was talking about our future a lot and how much he wanted to be with me and that we were "ment to find each other". He recently got a new job which would promote him in 6 months.

 

At first he didn't want to take it and said we should talk about it. Then he ended up taking it. I asked if the promotion included moving out of state, but he would brush off the question and not really talk about it. Then he left on vacation for a week randomly and didn't talk to me much. He came back crying, saying he was the worst boyfriend for running off for a week (mind you he didn't do anything bad. Just took time for himself), and that he had thought about breaking up because of his job taking him away. But we talked and got over it and our relationship was getting stronger. About three weeks ago we spent the day together, normal movie/dinner/etc.

 

He talked about parties we were planning on going to in a few months, vacation plans that we had later in the year, and brought up being married in the future like he always did. (Keep in mind, it was never me bringing this up, always him, I would shy away from it cause I had already told him I wasn't ready for marriage yet.) Everything was normal... until that night he said "we can't do this anymore". He broke up with me saying it wasn't fair to me to keep our relationship going when it would just be ending in 6 months when he gets the promotion. That I am his best friend and he loves everything about me and I did nothing wrong and the last thing he wants to do is hurt me.

 

He was even crying with me! He kissed me so much and held me so close and tight, said he'd miss my pets, and (sobbing with me) told me he loved me before he said goodbye.

What happened?! I was completely caught off guard, just three hours prior he was talking about us being married.

 

Now come to find out he is on a dating site already... so if it was unfair to me to date me when he's just leaving anyway, why is he looking to date someone else? Wouldn't it be unfair to them too? I'm so confused why this boy who seemed to love me so much would just end it all at the drop of the hat and be moving on so quickly.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Posted

I am so sorry about your loss. It sounds like he really loved you and thought he had a future with you. By the sounds of things it is his own issues and the situation that is causing him to leave things.

 

I do not want to get your hopes up, and it is better to treat it like it is final, unless he comes back and asks for another chance one day.

 

It does sound to me like he is uncertain and inexperienced in relationships!

 

He may not know what true feelings for a women feel like; or maybe your the first women he has felt this strongly about, and he is therefore unsure of how to deal with these feelings when he is moving? Does he do long distance or not?

 

He has never lost a girl after 9 months due to having to move, therefore he does not just know for sure that he will miss you do much, to the extent that he wants a long distance relationship.

 

It is online, so there is no way of knowing what he really thinks! You should treat it like a final break up, but I will go through the possible explanations, to help you gain some clarity:

 

- he has never been with a women for this long or felt this strongly about another women before

 

- he does now know what to do with his feelings for you when he leaves, because he is so inexperienced and does not know what to do.

 

- He may change his mind and get into contact you again or he may move on. ACT like he will not come back though.

 

-He may not have felt strongly enough about you to stay with you long distance

 

- He may have felt strong enough about you but his lack of experience may have made it too difficult to make a decision, so he left.

 

...................................................

 

Now, I never followed No Contact for long so I will not preach it. My ex came back after a mere DAY of cutting him off in the end.

 

I am hoping OTHERS will come here and tell you about No Contact. Since I am not in the position to advocate it.

 

Basically, though: you cannot be friends or talk to a dude your in love with. Therefore, you have to cut them off in every way (facebook and social media, do not answer their texts). Unless they beg for you back you cut them off so you move on from them in the fasted and most pain free way.

 

Wait for him to come back. Do not reach out to him. If he wants another chance he will tell you.

 

Try to process it like a loss. Act like he will not come back - that is the strategy people on here will give you.

 

................................................................

 

Apparently, if you do No Contact and cut someone out properly, it takes about 3 months to feel a lot better about it.

 

I think he may contact you again, but it will be better if your more indifferent to him by the time he does, so you will not fall into his hands again, after him breaking your heart!

 

I failed at No Contact because my ex did not want to let go and he wanted to see if we could very slowly resolve things between us. He did this when I told him goodbye forever. Before I had a chance to implement No Contact.

 

NEVER follow what I did though, as it rarely works. Failed relationships RARELY EVER work again.

 

DO listen to the advice of others who have had a break up, gone No Contact, and gotten over their ex.

 

.......................................

 

 

I am really sorry about your pain, it sounds like you had high hopes and you must be in shock right now....

If you can get through this pain you will be so much stronger for it. It is one of the most emotional things to go through, a break up!

 

Good luck I hope your okay soon.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you so much for your reply.

I think it hurts so bad because my first relationship was so bad, and with this one I was so careful, tried so hard to make everything great, and it was, until that bomb was dropped.

I've already talked to him a few times since he broke up with me. Just saying that I would respect his decision, but laying out that I wanted another 6 months, even if it was going to end. I honestly have been hoping he would come back, say he was wrong, I jump at every text thinking it's him and things will go back to what they were and I don't want to move on in case we wants to come back I will be here for him... but you're right. I should treat it like a loss, but gosh that stings.

Posted

I am dealing with it as a loss too.

 

My ex also acted very loved up and committed to me, but he cheated on me with hookers and online sexting. He swore it was just his selfish nature and that he would have done it to any girl no matter how in love he was. He was extremely adoring and loving of me on a daily basis so I took him back.

 

He was immature, very inexperienced with long term relationships ( I was his FIRST long term relationship, and second girl he fall hard for).

 

Then I had personal issues that ended the relationship.

 

He is also saying that he still loves me and that he wants to be with me, and is sorry he can't right this second.

 

I cannot advocate no contact, as I am not implementing it yet, until I move states. It IS the way I will lose all my feelings for him eventually though.

I move states soon and go on and overseas trip in a month, and I will then come back home and move states pretty much immediately!

 

We have agreed to hang out, have sex, and enjoy each others company until I move.

 

After that though, I never want to hear from him again.

 

Already, I guard myself and am losing feelings rapidly. We have sworn loyalty to each other until I leave. He says he cannot think about other women anyways.

 

I will be implementing No Contact once I leave with the intention of us BOTH losing all romantic feelings towards each other, and then moving on to a better relationship with new partners one day.

 

...........................................................

 

I guess what I have in common with you is: a man who swears he is in love with me and loves me enough to be with me, that cannot be with me for issues that are not because he lacks love or the desire to be with me intimately, in a relationship.

 

The thing we both need to realise is: They have their own issues to deal with, and no matter how much they love us, they need to figure things out for themselves.

 

Lastly; we can never expect them to come back, because it is highly likely that both them AND us, will simply move on after No Contact and months of it, without the hope of ever talking to them again.

 

And my ex even wants to get back together in the future; the thing is, once we stop talking for months, it is unlikely that our love is that 1 in 100000 sort of love that is SO strong that we are drawn back together one day.

 

....................................

 

Occasionally I hear about people who were so in love, but broke each others hearts.

 

They come back together one day, but only after No Contact. They had the deepest sort of love for one another, but they needed time and space apart, to see other people, and to come to a solid conclusion they had never felt that way about another person.

 

It was only after years apart that his particular couple reunited; they had lost hope of it though in the meanwhile and were not pining after each other.

 

Even if we do end up back with our exes, we need to reach the point of indifference first, where we do not actually care.

Posted

Maggie, this guy is a jerk and I wish I could kick his butt for you! Go completely blank and radio silent on him. He deserves it! :mad:

Posted

At least he is not using her for casual sex until he goes.

 

Better that he be on a dating site, which I am sure he is on for casual sex, than use a women who is in love with him.

 

I am not being a hypocrite as in my situation we both have mutual love and a mutual understanding and benefit from the situation.

 

I am sure the OP would not be okay with just sex and companionship from him. Hence why he is online seeking a women who is just up for sex until he moves.

 

Come on there are way bigger jerks than the guy in the OPS situation.. There are guys who stay in relationships with girls that they don't even care about or like much just cos they are bored losers.

 

OPs guy sounds like he really liked her but is immature and too inexperienced with relationships, so he is leaving.

  • Author
Posted

Haha thanks for the offer, but yeah I don't have any ill feelings toward him. I still love him and want the best for him. It's just frustrating to have a guy say he loves me and wanted a future with me, but can't be with me.

 

And I'm realizing that it's probably due to him having his own stuff to work out. Things in his life don't stay the same for long, new job, new car, living somewhere new.. so I think the "new and shiny" wore off our relationship a bit and he didn't know how to deal with it. But thanks for the advice, it hurts but accepting the reality that it's over for good is better than aching for him to come back.

Gotta do what I did before. Pick myself up and move forward.

 

Thanks for all the advice :)

×
×
  • Create New...