skang Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) Gonna throw as much details as I can into cliffs: -My ex and I broke up 2 months ago (a little over a year together, about half of which was spent long distance) -She tried many attempts to reach out and get back together but I went NC and completely ignore her -We ran into each other at the bar and found out she is visiting for a month -We hangout more and decide to give it a try again -I end up snooping through her e-mail and find intimate pictures/messages between her and another guy -I ask if she has been seeing/hooking up with anyone since our break up but she denies it -I call her saying I've seen her emails and that she's lying -She promises it was nothing and that it was her way of coping with our breakup because she was severely depressed -She says she will do anything for us to be together and that she thinks I'm the one she wants to marry -I tell her I'm disgusted with the way she acted and that it was wrong that she lied to me and was texting/e-mailing the other guy since she came back to town (even though we weren't "official" but working on things) Right now I'm sitting here with second thoughts and regret and that I maybe should have maybe given her another chance. We used to be so deeply in love and got along very well. Once she moved our relationship started to slowly unwind and what went from a great relationship turned into a nightmare. I truly believe that she would do anything to fix our relationship but I can't get passed the fact that she was so easy to fall into another guys arms and that she lied to me. I would love an outside perspective on all this. Should I just go NC again and continue on with my life or should I call her telling her I've changed my mind? What would you do in my situation? Edited June 1, 2013 by skang
TMichaels Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Why were you snooping through her email? Best, TMichaels
lost.girl Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Look, you shouldn't have been snooping through her personal emails. If you trust her that little then you really have no chance long term. As for what she was doing while you two were broken up, harsh as this sounds but it's really not your business. When you give someone a second chance you should do so knowing you need to let go of past grudges and other partners they had during the break up. It's why most second chances don't work. Most people can't work through those feelings and the same old problems rear their ugly heads again, but now they have new friends with them lol 1
Author skang Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) Why were you snooping through her email? Best, TMichaels Look, you shouldn't have been snooping through her personal emails. If you trust her that little then you really have no chance long term. As for what she was doing while you two were broken up, harsh as this sounds but it's really not your business. When you give someone a second chance you should do so knowing you need to let go of past grudges and other partners they had during the break up. It's why most second chances don't work. Most people can't work through those feelings and the same old problems rear their ugly heads again, but now they have new friends with them lol Previous trust issues. It seems she was developing an emotional connection with this guy, who was supposedly just a friend, while we were together and when we broke up he was just so conveniently there. And for all I know, she would have continued seeing this guy if we got back together. I did not give her a second chance because she straight up lied to about seeing someone else and I do not want to date a girl who was so easy to fall into another guy's lap because she was "broken" from our breakup (even though she broke up with me) and then drop the guy she was intimate with for me. She obviously has little respect for herself and the feelings of others. She was a totally different person before she moved to a different environment. Edited June 1, 2013 by skang
justwhoiam Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I went NC and completely ignore her What was the reason of the breakup? And why did you go NC? -I end up snooping through her e-mail and find intimate pictures/messages between her and another guy -I ask if she has been seeing/hooking up with anyone since our break up but she denies it I think you asked the wrong question. Is this guy anywhere near/around where she lives? The fact that there was an exchange of emails and pictures makes me think it's only a distance thing. So she was not dating or hooking up with anyone. Do you have more info about this guy? Or are you sure they were meeting up? Should I just go NC again and continue on with my life or should I call her telling her I've changed my mind? None of them? First of all, I'd need to know why it was over and why you were so decided not to talk to her anymore. I'm assuming something big happened. If you were so in love with her, you wouldn't have thrown her away like a piece of dirt. What would you do in my situation? I would try to analyze what happened. 1) Why it ended the first time. 2) What made you want to give it another chance the second time. 3) How much you love her. 4) If the other guy is nothing more than a far away friend who was interested in her sexually, and she gave in to his online advances, but everything was just confined to the Internet dimension. 5) If all the proofs in your hands match what she says.
Author skang Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) What was the reason of the breakup? And why did you go NC? I think you asked the wrong question. Is this guy anywhere near/around where she lives? The fact that there was an exchange of emails and pictures makes me think it's only a distance thing. So she was not dating or hooking up with anyone. Do you have more info about this guy? Or are you sure they were meeting up? None of them? First of all, I'd need to know why it was over and why you were so decided not to talk to her anymore. I'm assuming something big happened. If you were so in love with her, you wouldn't have thrown her away like a piece of dirt. I would try to analyze what happened. 1) Why it ended the first time. 2) What made you want to give it another chance the second time. 3) How much you love her. 4) If the other guy is nothing more than a far away friend who was interested in her sexually, and she gave in to his online advances, but everything was just confined to the Internet dimension. 5) If all the proofs in your hands match what she says. We broke up simply because we couldn't communicate our issues with one another. She was visiting for a week, staying with me, and we got into these HUGE arguments almost everyday. During her visit I was busy with a 40 hour week internship in addition to her taking a while to process/speak how she truly feels we never got anything resolved. On her last night we tried to resolve our issues and the way she delivered it sounded like she wanted to break up and instead of "fighting" for our love I agreed to what she was saying and she interpreted it as me giving up on her. I still wanted to take her to the airport the next morning but she insisted I leave the hotel and she would just take a cab. I was so heartbroken that the only way I knew I would recover was to go NC. Even though she tried to reach out to me I didn't want to experience that heartache again and continued to ignore her (except for one phone call and a few brief texts). She pretty much thought I broke up with her because I didn't "fight" for our love and went NC, whereas I thought she broke up with me because she was only bringing up our issues and not saying anything about how we could work on them in addition to telling me to leave and not take her to the airport. The guy from her e-mail is indeed near/around where she lives. They are neighbors in a student townhouse and classmates who see each other everyday. The pictures from her email prove it all. Its of them holding each other, kissing, and touching. When we were together his name has been mentioned a handful of times and she has hung out with him a number of times as well (she claims never 1-on-1). He has even gone out of his way to help her with school work and do favors such as take her to the airport. I've told her many times throughout our relationship that it makes me feel uncomfortable and disrespected that she is so friendly with other guys and spends so much time with them because it sends them the wrong message that they do indeed have a chance to get in her pants, but she insisted they were "just friends". I tried to explain to her that solely platonic male and female relationships are not realistic and that these guys are looking/hoping to sleep with her. She became defensive and said that she doesn't know how I was when I was single or maybe that's how my friends are but the guys she met in her class were not like that. Ironically, a month after our breakup she is all over this guy acting like a true couple. What makes it worse is that I found out that one of my friends (possibly some other friends) went to her farewell bbq event last night. None of them told me they were going and she did not tell me she was inviting them. She's not even close with them but I know she intentionally invited them as a low blow to me. Even if we were together I would not have been invited/or be able to attend because she is too scared to bring a boyfriend around her family because they are very conservative and believe that she should only have a boyfriend if she were to marry him (she's told me that I was the only guy she ever thought she could see marrying). I ultimately did not want to get back together because of the stress and uncertainty of a LDR. She had lied to me twice within the past 2 months and I don't feel like we can start fresh. It hurts knowing that if she stayed in town for schooling instead of deciding to travel across country that our relationship could have been something great. I just finished school and will be starting my career very soon and do not need any distractions/extra stressors in my life that will be holding me back. I cannot help, however, feel that I made a mistake and should have given it another try. I also feel a little betrayed by my friend(s) that they went to her event but I know they didn't do it to offend me, its cause they simply just like to party/mingle. Edited June 1, 2013 by skang
justwhoiam Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Even if we were together I would not have been invited/or be able to attend because she is too scared to bring a boyfriend around her family because they are very conservative and believe that she should only have a boyfriend if she were to marry him (she's told me that I was the only guy she ever thought she could see marrying). I can't even comment on this, because I'm literally speechless. I cannot help, however, feel that I made a mistake and should have given it another try. You did the right thing. Repeat it to yourself. you did the right thing Don't have second thoughts and go NC again. But seriously this time. If you meet her again in town, you smile and shake hands with her, then look at your watch and say sorry but you have to go quick or you'll be late. I also feel a little betrayed by my friend(s) that they went to her event but I know they didn't do it to offend me, its cause they simply just like to party/mingle. Drop them and make new friends who will be out of her circle.
Author skang Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 I can't even comment on this, because I'm literally speechless. You did the right thing. Repeat it to yourself. you did the right thing Don't have second thoughts and go NC again. But seriously this time. If you meet her again in town, you smile and shake hands with her, then look at your watch and say sorry but you have to go quick or you'll be late. Drop them and make new friends who will be out of her circle. I know I wouldn't have been invited to her event but if we were together I know she wouldn't have invited my friend(s). What a bitch. Will definitely take your advice on NC. As with my friend(s), was it really that wrong that they went? They aren't part of her circle and she won't be visiting for a long time. It is a possibility, however, that when she does return she might invite them to a event again....
justwhoiam Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 As with my friend(s), was it really that wrong that they went? I have to pretend I'm one of those friends of yours now to answer this question. I had friends splitting up. In most cases, I was first friend with one of them, and then introduced to their partner, and this new person became a friend consequently. When a couple of your friends splits up and they start hating each other or they can't attend the same event simultaneously, decisions must be made, choices must be made. And the decisive factors are: 1) who was friend first and 2) the cause of the breakup About #1: if Jill has been my friend for 15 years and she had a boyfriend for a year, Jill will most probably continue to be my friend, and I will stop seeing her boyfriend. About #2: if Jill has been my friend for 15 years and she was married to John for 12 years, and she was cheating on him and she never told me anything about that, I would still continue to be friends with John, if he's OK with it. He might need to vent and cope, etc. and I wouldn't turn my back on him just because she's my friend. That said, back to them attending the party. Assuming I was invited and I know you split up with her, first thing I would ask you: will you be there too? If you said no, you were not even invited, then I would ask you how you feel about me going there. And I would offer if you want me to see how she behaves at the party, if she says anything about you, etc. as a last try to see what she's like. That's all. Maybe your friends didn't know you were not invited. But I would try not to hurt a friend's feelings, especially when things are so fresh. They aren't part of her circle and she won't be visiting for a long time. It is a possibility, however, that when she does return she might invite them to a event again.... If they aren't part of her circle, inviting them over was really bad taste of her. Now move on.
Author skang Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) I have to pretend I'm one of those friends of yours now to answer this question. I had friends splitting up. In most cases, I was first friend with one of them, and then introduced to their partner, and this new person became a friend consequently. When a couple of your friends splits up and they start hating each other or they can't attend the same event simultaneously, decisions must be made, choices must be made. And the decisive factors are: 1) who was friend first and 2) the cause of the breakup About #1: if Jill has been my friend for 15 years and she had a boyfriend for a year, Jill will most probably continue to be my friend, and I will stop seeing her boyfriend. About #2: if Jill has been my friend for 15 years and she was married to John for 12 years, and she was cheating on him and she never told me anything about that, I would still continue to be friends with John, if he's OK with it. He might need to vent and cope, etc. and I wouldn't turn my back on him just because she's my friend. That said, back to them attending the party. Assuming I was invited and I know you split up with her, first thing I would ask you: will you be there too? If you said no, you were not even invited, then I would ask you how you feel about me going there. And I would offer if you want me to see how she behaves at the party, if she says anything about you, etc. as a last try to see what she's like. That's all. Maybe your friends didn't know you were not invited. But I would try not to hurt a friend's feelings, especially when things are so fresh. If they aren't part of her circle, inviting them over was really bad taste of her. Now move on. My friends knew that we were never back together during the time she visited, but they did know I was hanging out with her again. Her group of friends and my group of friends hung out at a concert but came separately and they were at the bar with me when my ex and I ran into each other. But that was the only extent of them seeing her during her time down. Whether or not they knew I was invited to her bbq is unknown. But once they arrived and did not see me there I'm sure they knew what was going on between us. I know for certain two of my friends went because I saw their posts on Instagram attending her party. My closest friend within the group did not go to her event nor was invited, but I know he wouldn't have gone or would have told me if he was. I will be seeing my friends today for dinner since it's one of their birthdays. Should I confront them about the party or ask them how she was behaving/saying anything about me? I should I approach this? Thank you so much justwhoiam for the advice. It really helps having an outside perspective. Edited June 1, 2013 by skang
justwhoiam Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I will be seeing my friends today for dinner since it's one of their birthdays. Should I confront them about the party You call the guy who's celebrating his birthday or the guy who invited you for dinner, and ask: hey, has X been invited too? Where X is the name of your ex. So you will know and know what to do. If he asks why that question, you tell them you saw the pictures on Instagram. or ask them how she was behaving/saying anything about me? No. Don't ask anything now. It'd look like you're still into/after her. Thank you so much justwhoiam for the advice. It really helps having an outside perspective. You're welcome . It's good to know that your closest friend was not involved in all that.
Author skang Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 I just got home (4 AM) and had a great time celebrating my friend's 24th birthday. We had good Thai food and plenty of drinks! Throughout the night I was able to talk separately with the friends who went to my ex'es party. They were honest about it and had no idea I wasn't invited before they got there. I was also able to tell them about our whole situation and were very supportive. In fact, towards midnight, I got a call from my ex (which was right before her flight back) which I ignored since I was out and going to keep NC. 1
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