Bunnyrabbit Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I know this shouldn't matter since we are about to divorce. But I can't help to wonder why my husband does not seem to realize we are about to be over. I think the main reason he was holding on to us and wanting "a break" instead of divorce was mainly money. He wanted to take the summer to think about what he wants because he's confused. He was still going to pay for everything. I feel like he wants to see what's out there and play around while I just wait for him to see in what direction HE wants to go in. I'm not going to do that. Especially not since he has already found someone "he has an interest" in. I feel like I've done my grieving and it's still going on of course. He's working out of state so we're already living apart but we lost the connection a while back. But we didn't really start talking about divorce until two weeks ago. I feel like he's been still thinking that we are just taking a break and nothing is really changing. But I knew what needed to happen and had a melt down last weekend. I've been crying up until yesterday because I realize we are done. And it's so very painful when I think about our history and all our memories we have and that we're never going to make more memories together. Now I wonder why he doesn't seem to think about all these things or feel any pain. Is he still in denial or he is just hiding it? I got a text from him yesterday where he wished me a nice day like we're not going through what we're going through. I told him later that day that I want a mediator and go on with this. But I can't help wondering when it's really going to hit him that we after thirteen years are no more? What is your experience? I can't accept that his talk about "how we were going to grow old together" and "how he could never ever be anyone else" meant nothing? He's a very sensitive person and I don't understand how he's not thinking and reminiscing the way I am right now and hurting. Can you please share your stories with me? Thanks!
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 But I can't help wondering when it's really going to hit him that we after thirteen years are no more? What is your experience? I think what you describe is fairly common when one partner exits a marriage through an affair. The spouse left behind is wondering "what if", grieving what's lost and looking back at shared history. The wandering spouse is caught up in a new relationship, looking forward and oblivious to most everything else. It's a double whammy for the betrayed spouse. You not only get the heartbreak of a broken marriage but you suffer in isolation, the only one in pain. And to add insult to injury, you get to watch your spouse's happiness with their "new interest". It's a lot to process, almost like you were in a plane crash while your spouse won the lottery. And they're often surprised that you're not happy for them having done so. Time to stop wondering about what he's thinking and/or feeling. Focus on the task at hand - living and financial arrangements, custody and visitation. Believe it or not, this too will pass. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1
WreckedDan Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 That was a spot on description of my personal exeprience... spot on Sorry about the thread jack, Dan
tojaz Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Your husband will grieve when he runs out of things to hide behind. His drive right now is to remain absolutely resolute in his decision and prove that this is the right decision (in his thinking right now). Not just proving to you or to those around him, but actually trying to continually convince himself. Once all is said and done and he thinks he has everything he was hoping for, then reality will start to creep in and that is when those emotions will finally come to the surface. It does happen, but by that time the BS is rarely around to see it. TOJAZ
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 He seems to keep himself very busy while I'm the one crying on the floor every night. I don't tell him that of course. What's confusing in all this is that he's not making an effort for change. He called me a week ago and sounded the same to ask me if I had enough money? He wants to keep this up while I want to end it and have closure. I'm not going to let him have the cake and eat it too. Although financially it probably would have been better for me to do that. But emotionally I just can't because it's making me sick. I'm pretty sure he and everything will change once I find a mediator that I like will call him to start the procedure. He'll know I was serious about wanting to move ahead.....
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