kaynizzle Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I don't want to burden anyone reading this with some long, drawn out post about what happened, so I'm just going to give you some of the key points that have been affecting me. I used to be in a relationship with a girl for 3 years, which ended with her cheating on me. I would have been able to cope, but we went to the same college and lived in the same building so I always saw her and the guy she cheated on me with together. This happened 2-3 years ago, and I had to endure 2 whole years of seeing them together on campus. I had thoughts of suicide, giving up, all that jazz. HOWEVER, I had gotten passed that once I met another girl. I was more careful with her, being reluctant about being in a relationship at first, but I finally gave in since she was persistent about being with me. I was with this girl for 6 months (short time, I know) but it recently ended with her losing interest in me and starting to like one of my (used to be) close friends. When she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore, I broke up with her, and then found out recently that she started to date my friend 2 days after. Oh, and by the way, we go to the same college and live in the same building...sound familiar? Well, it's the summer time now...and I can't sleep. I don't have motivation to do anything but sulk, and my mind is muddied with thoughts of them being together. And I don't have any friends to surround myself with (I stopped talking to my friends once I started dating her because I didn't want to mess up the relationship). Once next semester comes, I'm going to have to see them together almost every day and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. My mind keeps going to dark places filled with the burning image of them having sex while in the same building while I try to sleep, or them doing the things we used to do. If this were the first time it's happened, things might have been different, but it's not. I had gotten over my 3 year relationship just to be met with the same fate. What I have done is ask my sister for help and to see a therapist. I find it hard not keeping contact with my ex because I want her to know how angry I am at her, but I'm trying to manage. Also, she feels no regret for what she did to me, so I feel even worse. I...I just need help. I want to sleep peacefully for once. I want to not feel pain for the entire next year when I see her and him together.
Fell4ItHard Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Are you doing ok? Feeling any better since your post?
Author kaynizzle Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Are you doing ok? Feeling any better since your post? I've been fluctuating a lot with my emotions. For a bit, I feel okay about myself, but then, usually at night when I'm susceptible to my thoughts, I feel really bad. I'm not quite sure which will end up hurting me more, the betrayal from both my friend and my ex, or having to see them together next semester. I feel better now that someone asked though, haha. Thanks for that. Really.
Calvin's wagon Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hi! Uff, coming from someone who's been cheated on, I feel your pain! Can I ask you what have you been doing to make yourself feel better, to function more "normally" etc.? And a couple of questions/suggestions: 1. How is therapy going? 2. Have you been getting support from your friends&family? 3. When you start getting angry, upset, sad,..., what do you? What do you to stop thinking about all this? Do you maybe go running, play video games etc.? Also, google "snowballing" and how to stop it. 4. Have you tried writing down every day your feelings, how you're angry at her, writing down all the reasons you're way better of without her? 5. Have you thought about whether there were any warning signs, red flags with this new girl, in the beginning/as the relationship went on? Any similarities with the ex? 6. Have you tried taking up new hobbies, making new friends etc.? 7. For sleeping - have you tried in the evening to physically exhaust yourself (go run till you're freaking exhausted)? That helped me to fall asleep (immediately after the breakup, I would be able to sleep only 1 or 2 hours per night, before I started using various techniques to help me sleep). 8. Have you tried any relaxation techniques (like breathing techniques to clear your mind etc.)? 9. Have you thought about how perhaps your own issues (for example if you have self-esteem issues, or maybe if there's a history of cheating in your family etc.) have affected your choice in women? I know I, because of my issues at the time, was usually attracted to women with issues, and i tried to "save them", but because they had such issues, they were much more prone to hurt me by cheating, moving on quickly etc. 10. How old are you and how old is she? Ok, I have to run now, but I hope to hear from you soon! And I encourage you to read other threads here, there are countless great threads with awesome advice. I'll also try to find them and post a couple of links to them when I post next time, but try to find them for yourself. And until then, please remember that you're better off without her/them! And that you will get better in time, just don't give up on yourself and working on yourself! Best wishes
Author kaynizzle Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Hi! Uff, coming from someone who's been cheated on, I feel your pain! Can I ask you what have you been doing to make yourself feel better, to function more "normally" etc.? And a couple of questions/suggestions: 1. How is therapy going? 2. Have you been getting support from your friends&family? 3. When you start getting angry, upset, sad,..., what do you? What do you to stop thinking about all this? Do you maybe go running, play video games etc.? Also, google "snowballing" and how to stop it. 4. Have you tried writing down every day your feelings, how you're angry at her, writing down all the reasons you're way better of without her? 5. Have you thought about whether there were any warning signs, red flags with this new girl, in the beginning/as the relationship went on? Any similarities with the ex? 6. Have you tried taking up new hobbies, making new friends etc.? 7. For sleeping - have you tried in the evening to physically exhaust yourself (go run till you're freaking exhausted)? That helped me to fall asleep (immediately after the breakup, I would be able to sleep only 1 or 2 hours per night, before I started using various techniques to help me sleep). 8. Have you tried any relaxation techniques (like breathing techniques to clear your mind etc.)? 9. Have you thought about how perhaps your own issues (for example if you have self-esteem issues, or maybe if there's a history of cheating in your family etc.) have affected your choice in women? I know I, because of my issues at the time, was usually attracted to women with issues, and i tried to "save them", but because they had such issues, they were much more prone to hurt me by cheating, moving on quickly etc. 10. How old are you and how old is she? Ok, I have to run now, but I hope to hear from you soon! And I encourage you to read other threads here, there are countless great threads with awesome advice. I'll also try to find them and post a couple of links to them when I post next time, but try to find them for yourself. And until then, please remember that you're better off without her/them! And that you will get better in time, just don't give up on yourself and working on yourself! Best wishes 1. How is therapy going? It hasn't started yet. I'm leaving for vacation in a few days, so we're going to wait until after I come back. 2. Have you been getting support from your friends&family? Yes, a lot of support from my family, but not so much from friends. I've been hanging around my sister and her fiance a lot, and it helps when I'm with them, but not when I'm alone. 3. When you start getting angry, upset, sad,..., what do you? What do you to stop thinking about all this? Do you maybe go running, play video games etc.? Also, google "snowballing" and how to stop it. I play video games and try to breathe deeply to get it out of my system. It helps with the pain, but the feeling of frustration lingers. 4. Have you tried writing down every day your feelings, how you're angry at her, writing down all the reasons you're way better of without her? No, I haven't.. I guess it takes the place of thinking, huh? It sounds like a good idea, since I've always liked writing, so I guess I can give it a shot. Not really sure why I haven't thought of this sooner, haha. 5. Have you thought about whether there were any warning signs, red flags with this new girl, in the beginning/as the relationship went on? Any similarities with the ex? It shames me to say this, but she told me she started liking him about 2 weeks before we actually broke up. We're very honest about everything, and I thought that because we were so close, we could overcome this obstacle, but apparently not. As far as any other warning signs, she is extremely horny all the time, and had fetishes that a promiscuous girl would have, which told me that she wasn't a relationship type of girl, but again, I thought because of how close we were that we would get through it. No similarities with the ex besides the fact that she cheated. 6. Have you tried taking up new hobbies, making new friends etc.? I have things in mind, but I never have the motivation to do them. I feel like if I do these things, it would be to get her out of my mind rather than for myself. I used to run and write and workout every day, but now I just don't want to. 7. For sleeping - have you tried in the evening to physically exhaust yourself (go run till you're freaking exhausted)? That helped me to fall asleep (immediately after the breakup, I would be able to sleep only 1 or 2 hours per night, before I started using various techniques to help me sleep). I usually just breathe deeply and try to sleep through it. It's slightly exhausting, but I can try working out again. 8. Have you tried any relaxation techniques (like breathing techniques to clear your mind etc.)? Yep. 9. Have you thought about how perhaps your own issues (for example if you have self-esteem issues, or maybe if there's a history of cheating in your family etc.) have affected your choice in women? I know I, because of my issues at the time, was usually attracted to women with issues, and i tried to "save them", but because they had such issues, they were much more prone to hurt me by cheating, moving on quickly etc. I'm really afraid if it is like this, because I honestly have no idea if this is the case. I guess since I held out so much on the relationship, I'm in that "saving them" mentality, or perhaps it's more of a "preserving something" mindset. 10. How old are you and how old is she? I'm 20, and she's 19. Young, I know, but I'm more devastated by the fact that it's happened already to me. Thanks for the questions/suggestions, I've been trying to shy away from doing something like a hobby or working out, but I'll start to try it more to help me get over it. I also have a question of my own. What am I supposed to do when I have to see her and him together next year at school almost every day?
Author kaynizzle Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Just a bit of an update if anyone's interested... Haven't really gotten any better. I'm mostly frustrated that she did this to me. I can understand how maybe we weren't compatible or that the relationship wasn't going to work out, but the fact that she really just couldn't wait to be with my friend is setting me on edge. Literally two days after we break up, he and she go at it and start dating and hooking up in front of my old friends (They told me, that's how I found out about them. I confronted her about it after and she admitted to it.) I'm just so angry and I don't know what to do with myself..
LovesHangover Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Sometimes life gets painful... I sincerely empathetize with you. It will be rough for a while, but you will get through it. We all go through it. You're not alone. Some immediate things you can do are: - Journal. It is very helpful. - Enjoy your vacation. - Focus on your healing, not their relationship. - Forgive them. - Therapy is a great idea as well. I replied to a similar thread. I will post the link so that you may read my respose to her if you choose. I believe that there are lessons in everything, and I'm sure you will get through it. All the best to you!
LovesHangover Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/393558-obsessed-my-ex-looking-like-villan#post4895444
Recommended Posts