BustedUpInside Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Is it weird that I still want answers. I have not contacted my ex and have no plans to do so, but I would just love some answers. I don't think he would give them to me, but I wish I could just crawl around in his brain for awhile and see what was really going on. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. Here are my thoughts: even though he is in his late 30's, I think it really seemed like G.I.G.S. It was also a blindside breakup that came totally out of the blue to me. The answers themselves wouldn't really make me feel better, but knowing the answers would. Does that make sense? He actually said, "It's not you, it's me" which actually made me bitterly laugh out loud. Now I wonder, was it him or was it really me? My biggest fear is that this will just keep happening to me, until I am too old and bitter to make a fresh start. I guess my questions are: do guys in their 30's suffer from G.I.G.S too, and is it healthy to think about these things when I am trying to accept and move on?
pteromom Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 do guys in their 30's suffer from G.I.G.S too Sure... anyone can. It's more a phenomenon based on personality type than age. Some people are able to commit to something and focus on being grateful for what they have, even if it isn't everything they ever wanted, and others focus on what they are missing. is it healthy to think about these things when I am trying to accept and move on? Sure... it's completely normal. I once dated a guy for several months, and he just suddenly went full-on NC without an explanation. Talk about wanting answers. I spent weeks pondering why he would do such a thing and what went wrong and whether it was me or him... it was brutal. But I got over it. I came to the conclusion that even if I did something that caused him to break it off, he was still a jerk for not being able to talk to me about it, and I was better off without him. Everyone wants closure. But even without closure, you'll get past it and move on. As far as being too old and bitter to make a fresh start, you are NEVER too old, and being bitter is 100% within YOUR control. You always have the choice to learn from a situation or let it change you. 4
nugget_718 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Is it weird that I still want answers. I have not contacted my ex and have no plans to do so, but I would just love some answers. I don't think he would give them to me, but I wish I could just crawl around in his brain for awhile and see what was really going on. It's perfectly normal to still want answers in the 1st few months of the BU esp if it was a blindsided one. The answers themselves wouldn't really make me feel better, but knowing the answers would. Does that make sense? He actually said, "It's not you, it's me" which actually made me bitterly laugh out loud. Now I wonder, was it him or was it really me? Typical dumper's excuse...it's not you, it's me...overly clichéd but kept being used over and over again. That's because it's an easy way out, no need for more explanation. You won't get any answers from him BUI. But I know what you mean. My biggest fear is that this will just keep happening to me, until I am too old and bitter to make a fresh start. No one is ever too old for a fresh start. As for the bitterness...only you can prevent that from happening. I guess my questions are: do guys in their 30's suffer from G.I.G.S too, and is it healthy to think about these things when I am trying to accept and move on? The answer to your 1st question is YES (no offense to the guys in the forum). GIGS is equivalent having a midlife crisis. And my answer to your second question is NO. What you need to do is sticking to NC and taking it one day at a time. Keep focusing on your self, to your healing and keep telling yourself that you are fabulous and that someone waaaayyyyy better than him is just around the corner. You just haven't seen him coz your blinders are still on from your previous relationship. 2
Author BustedUpInside Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 You guys are right about not being bitter. I am just scared that I won't recognized the signs. I didn't see any signs in this last relationship and I was just so shocked when he dumped me. I would really like to avoid that in the future, but I guess I will just have to be more open, because I can't have a very good relationship if I am always looking for cracks in it. 1
pteromom Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 You guys are right about not being bitter. I am just scared that I won't recognized the signs. I didn't see any signs in this last relationship and I was just so shocked when he dumped me. I would really like to avoid that in the future, but I guess I will just have to be more open, because I can't have a very good relationship if I am always looking for cracks in it. You have to remember that no matter what, you only have control over yourself. It might happen again... and again. Life is like that sometimes. And you don't have to always look for cracks. But any red flags should be addressed. And you should be honest with yourself if someone just doesn't work with you... sometimes, you can have strong feelings and good sex and chemistry, but your values and communication style and goals just don't work together. Keep the head/heart balance. Be open. Communicate. Be yourself. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. There. That's pretty much all my dating advice in one post. LOL 2
nugget_718 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 You guys are right about not being bitter. I am just scared that I won't recognized the signs. I didn't see any signs in this last relationship and I was just so shocked when he dumped me. I would really like to avoid that in the future, but I guess I will just have to be more open, because I can't have a very good relationship if I am always looking for cracks in it. Of course we are;) Trust me, the signs were probably there. You just have your rose-colored glasses on so you didn't see them. But tell you what, you're not alone in that predicament. I was in the same boat not too long ago but then my RS is LD so it was harder to gauge. Up to the last day when we had the "talk" he was very loving and supportive to what I was going through. But guess what, like you, I am here too. I guess women tend to over analyze after a BU or heck even when one is still in a RS. But you can't really fully enjoy your RS if you let the doubts linger and pester you. Unless there's absolutely a reason for you to raise hell. RS will always have a few minor cracks here and there as there's no such thing as PERFECT relationship. We're all flawed human beings so don't be afraid to make mistakes. But make sure that you learn from those mistakes. 1
pteromom Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 The other thing is you can never really know what is inside someone else's head, especially in the early stages of a relationship. A certain word you say might trigger something his narcissistic mom used to say, and send him running. He might secretly struggle with whether he's gay or not. He might still be in love with an ex. In situations like this, where there is a break-up with no closure, the healthiest thing for you might just be to assume he was a little cray-cray and didn't know a good thing when he had it.
Author BustedUpInside Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 The other thing is you can never really know what is inside someone else's head, especially in the early stages of a relationship. A certain word you say might trigger something his narcissistic mom used to say, and send him running. He might secretly struggle with whether he's gay or not. He might still be in love with an ex. In situations like this, where there is a break-up with no closure, the healthiest thing for you might just be to assume he was a little cray-cray and didn't know a good thing when he had it. Unfortunately, this relationship was over 6 years, and we lived together for almost 4. It was just so abrupt and shocking to me. One day we were fine and then the next day he broke up with me. I had a month to pack my stuff, and move to another state. I left behind all the friends and stability I had enjoyed for years. I think that is what is making me so anxious about pursuing another relationship
pteromom Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Unfortunately, this relationship was over 6 years, and we lived together for almost 4. It was just so abrupt and shocking to me. One day we were fine and then the next day he broke up with me. I had a month to pack my stuff, and move to another state. I left behind all the friends and stability I had enjoyed for years. I think that is what is making me so anxious about pursuing another relationship Oh I didn't realize. Yes, I could see how that would make you anxious! I am really sorry. 1
nugget_718 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Unfortunately, this relationship was over 6 years, and we lived together for almost 4. It was just so abrupt and shocking to me. One day we were fine and then the next day he broke up with me. I had a month to pack my stuff, and move to another state. I left behind all the friends and stability I had enjoyed for years. I think that is what is making me so anxious about pursuing another relationship Oh dear...OK, now I understand you more. I also searched your thread on your BU. I could say that you're road to recovery will be a bit bumpy as there is a deeper connection (living together for 3+yrs). But don't lose hope. You will eventually get to "indifference" and while on the road to getting there, you will slowly reflect upon all that had happened within that 6 yrs. And then somehow that reflection will bring you closure. 1
na49 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 There's no answers he can give you, because whatever he says will cause you to ask more questions. "what did he mean by that?" "what does this mean?" "why did he say that?" "I'll just ask him to clarify and that'll be it" Then the cycle continues. I assume anyone in a relationship could have GIGS and feel like there is something better out there. You're having a rough night. It's NORMAL to feel that way!
Author BustedUpInside Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 There's no answers he can give you, because whatever he says will cause you to ask more questions. Ugh, I hate to admit it, but you are absolutely right. I would just keep wanting to know why because his answers would probably never be good enough for me. Letting it go seems harder, but I am sure it is one of those things that will actually be better for me in the long run. Here's to just letting things go.
Hockeyguy19 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Ugh, I hate to admit it, but you are absolutely right. I would just keep wanting to know why because his answers would probably never be good enough for me. Letting it go seems harder, but I am sure it is one of those things that will actually be better for me in the long run. Here's to just letting things go. The reasons never are good enough, I know this from experience. You keep looking for more and more and more, it never stops, until you decide to. You need to get the answers from yourself, because your ex's answers won't solve much, if anything. Letting go sucks, I know I have to now, and I still fight it, but my head is starting to take over and telling my heart it's time to stop fighting for someone who walked away. It's not easy, it's one the hardest things we have to do, but we need to. We deserve to have OUR life back. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 OP - If it means anything, the exact same thing happened to me. LTR. Lived together for 3 years. Engaged. Moved 300 miles away together (for her). And now on my own in a new place far from anything familiar suffering beyond what I thought I ever should/could. The only difference... I am a 'he' and she's a 'she' Happens on both sides of the coin!! And I feel ya on all of the anxiousness, unknowns, age issues and everything else you are going through, to. We'll make it!!
Author BustedUpInside Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 OP - If it means anything, the exact same thing happened to me. LTR. Lived together for 3 years. Engaged. Moved 300 miles away together (for her). And now on my own in a new place far from anything familiar suffering beyond what I thought I ever should/could. The only difference... I am a 'he' and she's a 'she' Happens on both sides of the coin!! And I feel ya on all of the anxiousness, unknowns, age issues and everything else you are going through, to. We'll make it!! Does it make me a terrible person that I am actually a little happy that you are going through the same thing? I don't want you to be unhappy, but knowing that we feel similarly makes me feel way less crazy.
Leigh 87 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Anyone in your position would be completely confused if a partner of years just left out of the blue. It is less cruel to know why. Sure, getting cheated on or left for someone else would feel more harsh initially, but at least there is no confusion about WHY they left! Anyone here would be totally flabbergasted if this happened to them.... Unfortunately only time will heal. You may always wonder, but it will become less and less with time. ........................................... Look, there are decent men out there who would not do this to you. I think though, personally, that if I were you: before getting serious with a man I thought was a great guy, I would be honest and let them know about my past. I would inform them that " a person left me out of the blue for no apparent reason, after 6 years and a committed life together" " all I ask of you is.. if things are not working out, can you please let me know early on that you are not happy with the relationship, rather than just leaving it and then suddenly just walking away" If I were you, I would push for better communication with the next guy, and would also make them aware of WHY communication about any issues surrounding the relationship is so important to you. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Does it make me a terrible person that I am actually a little happy that you are going through the same thing? I don't want you to be unhappy, but knowing that we feel similarly makes me feel way less crazy. Ha!!! Not at all. And, you are NOT crazy. This is some heavy emotional shyte. Anyone who doesn't feel crazy going through being dumped has some issues, I think! Hey, at this point you grasp at anything that allows you to feel other than crap. If it's because I also feel like crap, cool with me!!! I am just hoping I start to turn a corner soon. Been 2.5+ months of NC. I guess only time will tell! 1
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