dichotomy Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 When its a PA, was sex still going on regularly between WS and BS? Or was it different in other ways? Most times you hear - "the sex stopped or got rare"..... either long before... or during the PA. But I suspect a few continued being sexually active with both BS and OM/OW. P.S. I will be open to OM/OW if they wish to chime in from their side.
Athens Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 We were as active as ever....but now we are crazy teenager active which is a silver lining....and please no hysterical bonding lectures, I have a therapist. 3
thomasb Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I made love to my wife during the affair. Sadly not thinking of what I could have potentially been exposing her too. Still turns my stomach to believe I was capable of such disturbing selfishness. I never made love to the OW. That was sex. Very raw and unloving. I know now how angry I was at both her and I for what I thought then was a stupid act that had ruined my whole life, my whole world. Being with my wife was totally different. 4
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 It was about the same except the first month of her affair it was sparse though because she was gone to a lot of conferences and such (3 weekends out of 4). The OMM claimed his BW was actually getting more. He told my WW this in a FB conversation. She said, "and yes that is awkward to hear" LOL. So that's a little different than what MMs traditionally are thought of as telling their OWs on this site. 1
ladydesigner Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 We still had sex and made love while he was in the A. Sex with us averaged 2x a week pre A and during the A and 5-6x week now. We also have been Hysterically Bonding for 15 months now (sometimes multiple times in a day). Athens has it right we are like sex crazed teenagers right now. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I I never made love to the OW. That was sex. Very raw and unloving. Did your BS buy that explanation? Mr. Lucky 3
threelaurels Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 We had sex 3-4 times a day while he was cheating. That's a sex addict for you 1
Confused48 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Our relationship started with mutual physical and emotional attraction. The AP was primarily an emotional attraction. Not physically attractive to WS. During the A our sex life was better than ever. WS tells me that the PA part of the A was unsatisfying and so WS would come to me for that more and more often. The AP would start the engine of desire but then WS had to come home to satisfy that need. It is sick that WS did that to me. I can now recall specific incidents where that was why WS was so frisky and it makes me sick. Of course to continue the A my WS would have to continue the fantasy that the AP was a great person, soul mate, and I was just a sex toy. When the AP turned out to be a typical AP, well, you know the rest. We went through hysterical bonding. Now we are back to relaxed sexual contact. I'd say now there is less sex than during the A when WS had supercharged unmet needs. I might have also sensed trouble and have been over compensating back then.
BrokenPrincess Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) Never mind... Edited June 1, 2013 by BrokenPrincess Too disgusted with myself to post
2sure Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 The more sex you have, the more you want. Married partners usually continue to have the same if not more sex with their spouse during affairs. Just my experience. 1
Author dichotomy Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 Thank you all for responding. An incorrect assumption on my part, I suppose, that when sex decreases or stops it may be a sign of an affair. It appears that the sex stays the same or even increases while the WS is having sex elsewhere. I also wondered perhaps if it changed - that is something new was brought into the bedroom learned elsewhere. Personal story to this - there was a period during my marriage, where my wife thought I was having an affair, (she thought as a revenge PA for her EA) because I tired out a new set of techniques I had read about. She actually jumped out of the bed and accused me, and I had to get the mens magazine that had the article. I just find it kind of difficult to understand that a WS could be jumping their affair partner and then coming home and then jumping their spouse. I would have thought there would be an attempt at some distancing. I wonder if it is just sex brings more sex, they get reved up, or they need or want to maintain status quo (guilt or attempt to hide)at home.
ComingInHot Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Nope. Nothing changed in the sex depo. 4-5 a week. BUT his attitude changed. Irritable, short tempered etc... But ya, the sex was/is always often And Great! *
Confused48 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Thank you all for responding. An incorrect assumption on my part, I suppose, that when sex decreases or stops it may be a sign of an affair. It appears that the sex stays the same or even increases while the WS is having sex elsewhere. I also wondered perhaps if it changed - that is something new was brought into the bedroom learned elsewhere. Personal story to this - there was a period during my marriage, where my wife thought I was having an affair, (she thought as a revenge PA for her EA) because I tired out a new set of techniques I had read about. She actually jumped out of the bed and accused me, and I had to get the mens magazine that had the article. I just find it kind of difficult to understand that a WS could be jumping their affair partner and then coming home and then jumping their spouse. I would have thought there would be an attempt at some distancing. I wonder if it is just sex brings more sex, they get reved up, or they need or want to maintain status quo (guilt or attempt to hide)at home. I'm sure that does happen. It just was not my experience. But I do know that the WS will sometimes want to be faithful to the AP and so they reduce or even cut off sex with with the BS. That does happen. So don't discount that as a warning sign.
justwondering77 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Before we had sex about 3-4 times a week. During it was about nothing, 3 times maybe in 2 months or so. Right after we had sex every day for a month or two and then it gradually slowed.
AliciaFlorrick Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) There was no change to our sex life during his affair. We still had sex 3-4x a week. He was still very affectionate, touchy, kissy, cuddly, gropy and telling me he loves me and I am sexy, beautiful ec, etc on a daily basis. He did a brilliant job compartementalizing due to his FOO neglect and sexual abuse as a child so there were no behavioural or emotional changes during the adultery. That all came after the adultery ended. The guilt and shame became so bad it broke down his compartementalizing barriers and he had a nervous breakdown and I got d-day Since d-day our penetrative sex life is non-existant as WH has ED. His IC and his sex therapist says that he is punishing himself for what he has done...but there is more to sex than penetration and we have become very creative. Tantra...what can I say...:D:D:love: :love: Edited June 1, 2013 by AliciaFlorrick Left out words.
BetrayedH Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 (edited) We went from a virtually sexless marriage before her affair (maybe once a month by her choice, not mine) to twice a week during her affair. That's about an eight-fold increase and I thought we had finally turned a corner. She also did it an average of twice a week with him during the affair. Ugh. The increase was a combination of guilt (not wanting to deprive me while she was having her needs met) and a bizarre last-ditch attempt to restore the marriage. ETA: you can throw in some enjoyment in cuckolding me as well. That was apparent in the blog she wrote. I suspect that on several occassions, she went straight from him to me. Lovely stuff. Edited June 1, 2013 by BetrayedH
Author dichotomy Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 I suspect that on several occasions, she went straight from him to me. Lovely stuff. My sympathies. 1
BetrayedH Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 My sympathies. Much appreciated but thankfully unnecessary for me at this point. I am stronger than whatever she could throw at me. And I get some satisfaction believing that there's a special place in hell being built just for her. 2
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 We fell to twice a week during the affair, and I chalked that and his emotional distancing up to job stress of the new job. He told her we rarely to never had sex and she was so disappointed, so he told her we stopped. We never did. She then tried to convince him I must have a secret lover too and he started to believe her and grew angrier at me. If that isn't the height of delusional thinking, I do not know what is. Hysterical bonding? Not sure what that means, but after DDay, we tore each others' clothes off at least twice a day for more than two years..... Sexual desire of each other was never an issue in our marriage. His affair was about ego-validation. 4
Confused48 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 She then tried to convince him I must have a secret lover too and he started to believe her and grew angrier at me. Wow, that is demented! Hysterical bonding? Not sure what that means, but after DDay, we tore each others' clothes off at least twice a day for more than two years..... . Yep. That is text book hysterical bonding. 1
scatterd Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Sex never changed with either of my men. my first husband I always got infections and found out why later. I ended up in hospital with a horrible infection that took strong antibiotics. Nice huh.
RickFox Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Yes sex changed for us. I hardly wanted it from my W and when she tried to get physical I would remove her hands from my body. On the other hand it was an average of 2-3 times per day with xMW which hadn't happened since I was a teen. The idiocy of it all was that I felt guilty for cheating on my 'gf' with my W so I stopped any form of intimacy. Now that's twisted.
Author dichotomy Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 (edited) Yes sex changed for us. I hardly wanted it from my W and when she tried to get physical I would remove her hands from my body. On the other hand it was an average of 2-3 times per day with xMW which hadn't happened since I was a teen. The idiocy of it all was that I felt guilty for cheating on my 'gf' with my W so I stopped any form of intimacy. Now that's twisted. Actually while the situation was not healthy, this distancing or separation kind of makes more sense to me than those who continue or ramp up the sex with their BS. I just struggle personally to understand jumping from one body to the other and back and forth, but that's me. I see a variety of responses here. Edited June 2, 2013 by dichotomy 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 These stories are all so different. Well our sex life (my husbands and mine) was about once a week to two times a week at best - not because he didn't want to but more because of me. When my affair began my xom and I were having sex once a week but met for lunches, walks, movies etc at other times. He said that he and his wife had sex twice a month at best and it was because he wasn't interested and he said his wife was very disappointed. I asked why and he said it was because it took too long. I kind of bought it because he is sort of add and I could see that. There was one time I think that I actually had sex with both of them in the same day. Definitely sex fell off with my husband more because I just wasn't interested. Very sad. Right after dday for my affair my husband and I didn't have sex for about 3 months and then finally started becoming intimate again. Then with my husbands affair we were still having sex about one time or so a week but he was having sex with his ow at least one to two times a week as well. - not sure the exact story on that. For me it is extremely hard to be intimate with more than one man and I definitely have to be emotionally invested before I am. I had to distance myself more from my husband in order to make sense of being with my om. Lots of mental gymnastics for sure.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 When my wife started her affair we were married 2 yrs and both in our late 20's. Up to her affair we had sex on a regular basis. I'd guess 3-4 times a week. Once her affair started it dropped off dramatically. Whenever we did have sex it felt like obligatory sex on her part. She was not into it. During the affair she "checked out" of the marriage both physically and emotionally.
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