What to do? Need advice

[tirednj]

I have a question that I need advice on. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I am currently 5 months pregnant. Excited about it, but I am having doubts. I had a 6-month affair with a co-worker that nearly ended my marriage. I've been with my husband for close to 9 years now and we've reached that "comfortable" stage where we don't need to impress eachother. It's really very intimate, and most of the time I enjoy it. However as I stated above, I strayed (for many reasons, but I won't get into them now).

 

My problem is this, I still have very serious feelings for the other man. We were in love I guess you could say. I really, really wanted to be with him. After all, I had cheated on my husband. Our affair was very complicated. This other man had pushed me away to give me time to figure out what I wanted to do. In the meantime, my husband filed for divorce. He also started seeing someone else. So of course I thought things very over.

 

Fast forward about 1 month - husband and I start hanging out here and there. I missed him. He missed me. I thought we could try and make it work. So husband moves back into the house and we start over. However, I'm still communicating with this other man (completely platonic). Well surprise, I find myself pregnant. I don't tell other man that I'm pregnant for about 3 months. Husband is elated and can't wait to have a child. I am too. So I tell other man that I am pregnant (mind you, he had suspected I was - don't ask me why) and thus, we end all contact.

 

Here's the catch, it's been quite some time since I last communicated with this other man. I miss him. I'm still in love with him, but I still love my husband. However, things with hubby got worse after we reconciled because there is that whole trust thing. I feel kept now. It's causing me some stress and I'm starting to doubt the longevity of our relationship. I feel that I ran back to hubby because things with other man were not as good as I had hoped and now I'm remorseful that I was so infantile about it.

 

I find myself thinking about this other man all of the time. I thought I was completely over him, but obviously I still carry a torch. What should I do? Stay with husband, even though marriage seems to be going downhill for the sake of the baby or should I leave and start over (pregnant and alone)? Any advice would be great.

[Naive]

Originally posted by tirednj

What should I do? Stay with husband, even though marriage seems to be going downhill for the sake of the baby or should I leave and start over (pregnant and alone)? Any advice would be great.

 

If you would leave your husband I doubt you will be pregnant and alone. As the father he will most likely be there, it's not as if you are nobody to him or someone he slept with one time and got pregnant. You should not stay with him if you think or know that the OM will still be in your heart because that will end up ruining both of your life's. Give him the opportunity to be happy with someone who can offer him her full and undivided love.

[TMCM]

What you are going through is called withdrawl and it is very much like the one addicts go through when they go cold turkey without their drug of choice. The only way for you to recover your feelings for your H is for you to end all contact with the OM forever. Write the OM a NC [no contact] letter, have your H review it and send it to the OM. Just like your H, your recovery cannot be rushed and is going to be a one day at a time battle so don't think about tomorrow or the day after that, and just simply concentrate on getting through TODAY without contacting the OM. Eventually your 'fog' will lift and you will no longer miss the OM.

[Papillon]

No contact.

 

Do it for yourself, for your husband, and for your unborn child.

[Ladyjane14]

Is this your first baby Tirenj? I'm going to assume that it is since you haven't mentioned any other children.

 

You've got two major issues to deal with here. One being the damage to your relationship because of the previous affair, and the other being the stress of building a family.

 

Both those issues are a little bit scary. And these constant thoughts of the other man could be a way of trying to avoid dealing with the issues on a subconscious level. I'm no psychologist, but you might do well to consider making an appointment with one. I do know that avoidance is pretty common when we feel like our problems are overwhelming.

 

Be aware that your hormones are going to be playing games with you. You're body is doing a difficult and tiring job right now, creating a whole new human being. This can go on for as much as a year after the birth.

 

Further, you stand on the brink of a life-altering event. You are no longer the girl you were. You are somebody's mother now, and will be so for the rest of your life. This can be a little bit scary as we're giving up our old selves and becoming someone new.

 

But you can take the plunge now and start being a mother. Give yourself a little discipline by giving yourself a "time-out". Take the time to get through all these changes. Choose to commit to your new family, unless there is a REALLY compelling reason why you shouldn't.

 

Consider using this time to repair the damage to the relationship. The marriage is the foundation upon which the family is built.

 

And be patient with yourself, hon. You've got alot on your plate.

[izzybelle]

ladyjane's right in that your hormomes may be playing a major role in things but still.... that doesn't make the stress and agony you're going through any easier.

 

a few questions.... did your divorce not go through, so are you still married? i assume that's the case. does the OM love you? is he committed to you even though you're having your husband's baby? what happened to the woman your H was seeing? did that end? is he really happy about the baby or do you think he sees it as a tie that will keep you around? i don't mean for that to sound harsh.

 

yes, it's easy to say that for the sake of the baby, and for help for you, it's nice to have your family in tact. but... on the flip side, if the child is born while you're not together he/she obviously won't have to go through the divorce process if you feel it's headed that way at some point.

 

bottom line, you need to take care of you and your little one at this point. becoming a mom is a definitely a life altering experience. the best thing that ever happened to me. for some, and hopefully for you, it will draw you and your H closer together. for others, like me, having kids opened my eyes to who the man i married really was and i ultimately left.

 

whichever way you choose, you won't be completely alone. if your H is excited about the baby, married or not, he'll be there to help.

[tirednj]

I appreciate the feedback. I have ended all contact with OM. It's been a while now. I do wonder if it's withdrawal of some kind. I did not have a chance to breathe in between and I think it really messed things up a bit. Now I'm having regrets about what's in store for me.

 

I feel like I am not worthy of marriage. The guilt of my feelings for OM has kept me silent. My husband thinks things are ok and they're really not. I do think he deserves better than me. He had a woman that cared for him and he dropped her to get back with me. Does that mean he'd do anything for me? Or was he going through the same type of withdrawal that I am?

 

Could getting pregnant have been a sign that we are supposed to make this marriage work? Or was it a bad choice to coax ourselves into believing that it will keep us together?

[izzybelle]

try not to beat yourself up about all of this. it's not uncommon with what you've been through to feel like you're not worthy, but obviously he thinks so and take some comfort in that.

 

the withdrawl of ending a relationship with an OM is much like withdrawl. my relationship with an MM ended a few months ago and i feel very much like i'm going through withdrawl, complete with the shakes, lack of appetite etc. and then you've got the preg. thing on top of it all which will put you on a wild ride emotionally and psychologically all by itself.

 

i know it won't be easy, but i think you're going to have to talk to your H about it. if you think you can come to terms and move on without talking to him, or with talking to someone else, then that's great, but eventually he will notice things aren't quite right and by that point they may have gotten worse for you.

 

while i'd like to say to wait and not do anything until you feel like yourself again, i'm not sure that's the best thing to do.

[Ladyjane14]

Have you had any counseling yet Tirednj?

 

I feel like I am not worthy of marriage. The guilt of my feelings for OM has kept me silent. My husband thinks things are ok and they're really not. I do think he deserves better than me.

 

It sounds like you still have alot of work ahead of you in regards to forgiving yourself about the affair. It's hard to move forward when you're still dealing with feelings of guilt. And you sound pretty anxious overall.

 

Think about getting some help with this. You can call the member services number on the back of your medical insurance card for benefits information and a list of preferred providers. You can also ask your OB/GYN for a referral to deal with your anxiety.

 

I think that when at all possible that it's best to save a marriage, because when you do, you're saving a family. Now, that's not best for everyone, I know. But when you've done EVERYTHING that you can, you leave knowing that you did your best. And that's a comforting thing to know.

 

It's not uncommon at all for women to think about old boyfriends and lost loves in an almost obsessive way when they're pregnant. It goes back to avoidance of the life changes ahead of you.

 

But your situation is compounded with feelings of guilt, and very likely insecurity in your husband's ability to truly forgive you.

 

Don't handle all that alone. If nothing else talk it over with Hubby. You don't have to tell him you're thinking about the OM all the time. But you DO need to let him know that you're insecure.

 

Jmargel has a link at the bottom of his posts with some great advice on communication. Give it a read.

 

[tirednj]

I'm trying not to beat myself up about it, but it's hard. I feel like a fraud not telling my husband that I still have feelings for OM. OM did tell me that he loved me and he wanted things to work with us, but he wanted to give me time to take care of things with husband. At the time, I felt that I was being cast aside because husband and I had started divorce proceedings and I wasn't getting OM. I thought that's what OM wanted. In hindsight, he did the right thing by not getting involved. I was all over the place emotionally and I was having a hard time adjusting to not having a husband around.

 

And then I found out that OM was messing around with other people. To me that said that he was using me or wasn't serious about me. It hurt me tremendously. So I sought the comfort of my husband to console me. My husband claims he was only seeing someone else because he couldn't have me and he was certain that I was completely done with him. So I started seeing my husband here and there until we reached a point where we could say that we were going to try and make it work. OM gets wind of this and completely freaks out on me and tells me to piss off basically. Again I'm shocked, but I do as he suggests.

 

We don't talk for a while. In the interim, I find out that I'm pregnant. My mind is elsewhere, but I still think about OM from time to time and feel that it could never happen for us. So I basically put him to the back of my mind. A little while later, I break down and start talking to OM again. I keep my pregnancy from him on purpose. But then he starts badgering me about it because he has a "feeling" that I am. So I finally tell him that I am. He tells me that since I guaranteed that we'll never get together by getting pregnant, that he wants nothing to do with me. He says he has no problem with my decisions, but he thinks I either was playing games with him or I was really in love with my husband all along. I futher explain that I will always love him, but I have to take care of what I got myself into. And that was the last time we spoke which was quite some time ago.

 

I see him from time to time on the road (we live about 2 miles away from eachother) and it brings back all of the hurt and pain that I've felt since "losing" him. Could I really be in love with him or is it just my ego being crushed? I felt that he was "the one" when we were together, otherwise I never would have cheated on my husband. My relationship with my husband has been strained for a couple of years and I feel that I have put a lot into making it work, just to end up disappointed when things seem to remain the same. I mean I do love my hubby, but I can't help but think it has waned a bit. I feel trapped now because I'm pregnant. I don't doubt that my husband will be an outstanding father, but I do doubt his abilities as a husband. I'm not appreciated and I'm constantly thrust into the mommie role by always having to pick up after my husband (i.e. financially and emotionally). It has made me bitter. Do I stay or do I go?

[Ladyjane14]

Unless you want to replace your man with a new man every couple of months, then you can expect a leveling out of those "in love" feelings. It's a physiological thing where you'r responding to pheramones and endorphines are all swimming around your body and giving you that giddy "in love" feeling. It doesn't last and it's not meant to. The comfort and security of committed love is the one that lasts.

 

I've been married for over 20 years, and we've had all sorts of bumps in the road. There have been times when I could have cheerfully agreed to never lay eyes upon my husband again!

 

But overall, the relationship is all about the work we both put in to it. It's as good or as bad as that.

 

And the payoff is that neither he nor I walk through this world alone. There is always a safe harbor in the arms of our mate.

 

And I don't believe in soulmates, btw, I think that 'free will' allows us the choice in who we will love. I also think that if we reaffirm that choice on a daily basis that we are loving actively. That's part of what I mean by "work".

 

[tirednj]

Free will as in I can love more than one person? I'm terribly torn between the 2 and most of time I feel like I'll be better off if I choose to be by myself. I've never really been by myself. I feel the fear of being alone has caused me to stay in an unhealthy relationship for a long time. I went through college with my husband (then boyfriend) and got married shortly afterwards. I'm afraid I'll cheat again simply because I "settled." I never took the time to find out who I am, let alone decide which characteristics in the opposite sex suit me the best.

 

What am I going to do? I have this overwhelming urge to flee.

[izzybelle]

i can relate to most of what you've said. i got married right after college and new as i was walking down the aisle that i was making a huge mistake. that was the first time that i had an overwhelming urge to flee. needless to say that marriage didn't last more than a year because i felt like i had settled. our values didn't match, our interests didn't match, our goals didn't match and i fell out of love with him so fast it wasn't even funny. but he had asked me to marry him and i said yes because, at the time, getting married was the next thing i "should" do with my life. talk about all the wrong reasons.

 

fast forward about 20 years and a number of things happened and lately i've just wanted to run away, to a place where nobody knows me and i could have a fresh start. and if i didn't have kids, i know i would have been long gone. but i know i can't run away from things but facing them head on and having to deal with them is more difficult than it seems like it should be. last january i was on a business trip in NYC and i went for a walk through times square and almost didn't come back. i knew from ny i could get anywhere i wanted and no one would even know i disappeared at least for a few days from then. but instead, i came back home and life's been a roller coaster of emotions since then, but hopefully i'm on the right track now. or at least i've gotten off the wrong one.

 

only you will know in your heart what you need to do. feeling like you've settled is an incredibly difficult emotion to get past. i couldn't regain what first attracted me to my first husband. hopefully, maybe you can. just try not to make any rash decisions, i know, easy for me to say. but getting everything out on the table maybe will help you know where you really stand with things. i remember reading here somewhere some ways to know that your marriage is over, i wish i could remember where and exactly what it said. but i want to say that one of the things was that if your H walked out the door and never returned, would you miss him? there were others and perhaps someone else's memory is better than mine....

 

everything will work out in the end, one way or another, but it will take time. being alone's not so bad, but having someone to share you life with that you are truly in love with is better.

[Joyce]

If you feel like you settled and your only with your H simply because you are afraid to be alone then you should leave. If it does not feel right to be with your H then there is someone else out there for you and him. Give your H enough respect to find someone that will love him back. Don't leave thinking you will live happily ever after with the OM. It never works out that way.

 

Only you know how you truly feel about your H and your marriage. You need to search deep down. Put yourself in both scenarios being single or married to your H. In the long run which would make you happier? Life is too short to waste it on being scared to live and love. Listen to your feelings....that is the only way you will find true happiness.

[tirednj]

Husband and I were separated for close to 6 months. Things got pretty bad between us during that time. I hit him a couple of times, he was "checking" in on me. He would call me names. I know he was very, very angry with me for forcing him to leave the house. But I couldn't deal with him at that point. Even my attorney said that it sounded like I married a baby. It was tough, but as time passed, it was getting easier to live without him. However I did feel lost, like I lost my best friend. I felt that I didn't give our marriage one last shot. The guilt was getting the best of me. So I succumbed and allowed my husband back in. And then poof, I get pregnant and things seem like they are planned out for us now. I hate that. I also hate feeling like I'm pregnant to "hold onto" my marriage. It's horrible.

 

I remember walking down the aisle and thinking "I can always get divorced." My husband and I are notorious for almost breaking up, but then not really doing it. We broke up a lot when we were dating, only to reconcile. We tried calling off our wedding 2 weeks before (but with some family pressure did not). And we separated for 6 months (because I cheated and I was so disappointed in my husband). I wanted out. Even though people told me that it was awful, I'd get through it and probably realize it was for the best. But then we get back together. My good friend (who divorced her 1st husband) said you have to get over that hump of indecision. Once you make up your mind, you must stick to it. I didn't. I let my feelings get in the way and now I'm having regrets.

 

So I look at my current situation and say to myself, "we'll be done in less than 2 years." Not unless a miracle happens and I decide I want to keep it up for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, but I don't know what happiness is. It's a constant struggle. And the worst part about all of this is I'm bringing an innocent child into the world knowing that we may not be a complete family for much longer. Ah hormones.

[Joyce]

so it sounds like you want out of your marriage and you are done trying. Tell me besides being pregnant with your husband's baby why are you still with him? I know you are full of emotions and I don't know what it is like to be 5 months pregnant.. I was pregnant once for two months and it is emotional but I never questioned my love or happiness. I know everyone is different and you questioned all of this before you were pregnant but you can be pregnant and still get a divorce or separate. I think it would be easier on a child if you decided and make the changes that you want to make before the baby gets here and before it is old enough to notice significant changes.

 

There are a lot of parents out there that are single parents. Your H sounds like a good guy and will most likely want to be a big part of the babies life. I really think you are insecure and you are using your baby as an excuse to not leave. I don't know you and I don't really know what you are feeling but just make sure you follow your heart. This should be a happy time in your life.

[amer]

Since you are so confused obou the men in your life, have you considered putting this child up for adoption?

 

I say this because you are poised to do a disservice to this child of yours. You are considering not letting this new baby have an intact nuclear family who love him and each other.

 

You are considering either staying with your husband and goinng after the other guy again, continuing an infidelity.

 

You are also considering leaving your husband again (did you remarry?) and going off with this other guy.

 

You are also considering being a single mother with neither of them.

 

Please consider putting your baby up for adoption to a couple who will love the baby and not introduce this relationship drama right from the gitgo.

 

 

Then you'll be free to re-examine your life choices and pursue a healthy start with no baggage.

[Ladyjane14]

I want to be happy, but I don't know what happiness is.

 

Happiness comes from within, dear. The OM can't MAKE you happy. Hubby can't MAKE you happy either. Only you can do that. It comes from living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Living up to your own goals and expectations, and living within the parameters of your own values and ethics.

 

That's why I told you earlier to give yourself a break and take a little time-out. You seem to have some kind of internal dead-line, some kind of rushing forward, but really no set goal. There is ALWAYS plenty of time later for regret and recriminations when you make decisions in haste.

 

And here's one more thought for you. Your husband may be unwilling to part from his child. I've seen quite a few posts here which seem to work under the assumption that you would be a single mom. Could be that he would be a single dad. That's the way it worked for my brother. Courts are alot more inclined to choose a custodial parent without a gender preference these days.

 

Take your time. Don't make alot of decisions right now. Time will help to clarify your situation. And when you do make your move, whatever you decide, you'll know that you've looked at it from every angle and done your best.

[tirednj]

Husband and I never divorced. We just stopped the proceedings. We never even got as far as court, just papers being served. My husband filed before me (which is surprising considering I was the one who wanted out). But nonetheless, I couldn't blame him for making a move.

 

My husband is a great guy and he would do anything in the world for me. He loves me with every fiber of his soul. Isn't that what most people look for? So why am I so unhappy? I feel like I missed out on being a "kid." I never got to do what most of my contemporaries did (i.e. travel, move to far off places, date lots of people, etc.). I graduated high school, went to college full-time, worked full-time and basically went from 18 to 30 overnight. I am more successful than a lot of my friends, but I don't feel like I've even gotten close to any of my goals.

 

I meet this OM whose 8 years older than me, has traveled, has a very interesting past, we get along better than anyone I've ever dated or met, and he seems like he'd take care of me in a way that my husband can't. It's not that I'm looking to be taken care of in the traditional sense. I just don't want to have to worry about everything all of the time. My husband is lazy when it comes to finances, he has never been able to purchase anything without my help and I've always made more money than him. It bothers me. When am I going to be able to focus on me? I've had to take on jobs that I didn't really want because I needed to support my unemployed husband who still can't seem to figure out what he wants to do. It's made me extremely resentful. Why can't he grow up? After all, he's 4 years older than me. And now I'm 5 months pregnant and guess what? I have to go right back to work after the baby because someone has to pay the mortgage and day care and every other expense. When does it end?

 

So again, I may have seen OM as a way out of my monotonous life. He was someone different and he treated me with much more respect than my husband. He offered me everything that my husband couldn't give me. Does that necessarily mean that this guy and I could work out? Who knows. I never gave it a shot. I ran back to my husband because it was safe and easy. We have been going to counselling for 9 months now. It has helped, but at the same time, I don't want to have to go to counselling to make it work. That to me is not a marriage. It's torture.

 

I've basically settled and married a person who is great, but just not for me. Is it wrong to want to move on?

[izzybelle]

i don't believe that it is ever WRONG to move on if it is ultimately what is best for you. being in an unhappy marriage and trying to be a good parent is more difficult than most people realize. there is, and always will be, the perception that in almost every case that people should stay together and make "family" for the kids. my feeling is that IF, and it's a big if because you can't see into the future, you feel that you could be a happier, better person, and thus better mom then there is nothing wrong with moving on.

 

it's hard to admit that you've failed at a marriage and so many times i see people get stuck in the decision making process and in the end, while some work it out, many are just stuck.

[tirednj]

I feel like I've been stuck in the decision-making phase for close to a year now. Does it ever get better or easier? It's driving me insane. Husband and I separated for 6 months. Did I miss him? Of course. Was I happy without him? No, but I felt like I failed. I was embarrassed. Am I happy with him now? Sometimes. But we're falling into the same patterns. Do I accept as is or push for a change?