Highs and Lows

[Sojie]

I dated this guy 4 years ago... I broke up with him and we both got into other relationships.. mine ended in a disaster 3 years ago but his just ended 6 weeks ago.

 

During the past 4 years we have become great friends. We flirt of course and until recently it was just that.

 

Now that he's single all I want is to be with him. I know he's a mess. She broke his heart. She used him but he loved her.

 

The past 5 weekends we have been inseperable. We cuddle, we are affectionate but he refuses to let me be a rebound so we have behaved.

 

Yesterday he told me he needs space.. He loves me but he doesn't want to get into anything. He's a mess and going into a black hole. He doesn't want me seeing that.

 

I don't know what to do.. I know I need to give him space but my heart is aching for him.

[mahon451]

Do exactly what he asked, and give him some space. He just got out of a long-term relationship... his heart is somewhere else right now.

[nugget_718]

Yesterday he told me he needs space.. He loves me but he doesn't want to get into anything. He's a mess and going into a black hole. He doesn't want me seeing that.

 

I don't know what to do.. I know I need to give him space but my heart is aching for him.

 

Respect his wish for space. Believe him when he says he doesn't want anything because he is being honest with you and because he care about you and don't want to hurt you. I actually applaud him for being forthcoming. Some guys...esp broken hearted ones...can succumb to a rebound so easily. He seems like a very nice and respectable guy for being honest even if it hurts.

[BustedUpInside]

Respect his wish for space. Believe him when he says he doesn't want anything because he is being honest with you and because he care about you and don't want to hurt you. I actually applaud him for being forthcoming. Some guys...esp broken hearted ones...can succumb to a rebound so easily. He seems like a very nice and respectable guy for being honest even if it hurts.

 

This is exactly right. I know that you think that now that you both are single, everything should just fall right into place, but that is not how it works. You have had three years to get over your breakup, while he has only had a few weeks.

 

You have to give him time to mourn the breakup, and actually be in a good space to date again. You don't want to ruin any chance of a reconciliation by being the rebound.

[nugget_718]

This is exactly right. I know that you think that now that you both are single, everything should just fall right into place, but that is not how it works. You have had three years to get over your breakup, while he has only had a few weeks.

 

You have to give him time to mourn the breakup, and actually be in a good space to date again. You don't want to ruin any chance of a reconciliation by being the rebound.

 

Perfectly worded BustedUp. Who wants to be in a rebound anyway? And plus, if the "new" RS turn tits up...not only are both of you recovering from one BU...it will now be two BU. Would you want to be in that miserable situation??

 

BTW...love your avatar Busted:cool:

[Sojie]

He says he's contemplated being with me many times and more so now but he can't stop wondering why and being angry. This month is a tough month overall for him and I know that I just want to be a positive fun friend for him but I can't stop how I feel now.

 

Yes he deserves time and space and I'll give it to him but I keep wondering why does someone who cheats on you and uses you for years get to have your heart?

 

He pulls me so close and then pushes me away. I do respect that he tells me what he's doing but what he does during his "me" time is really destructive.

 

I just like hanging out.. I don't care what we are doing and normally that fine but now that he loves me and he is angry.. I have to sit and let him figure it out.. sucks ass.

[BustedUpInside]

I have to sit and let him figure it out.. sucks ass.

 

This is exactly what it is. I don't want you to think that we aren't sympathetic to you. It definitely is horrible feeling like you have to hide your true feelings while somebody figures out what you think should be the most obvious thing in the world.

 

Our advice really isn't about criticizing you for wanting him back. It is just to give you the best possible chance for getting what you want. You want to be with him long term, right? Then you have to just wait it out. Trust me when I say that if you push him before he is ready, he will bail and then you will be really sad.

[nugget_718]

He says he's contemplated being with me many times and more so now but he can't stop wondering why and being angry. This month is a tough month overall for him and I know that I just want to be a positive fun friend for him but I can't stop how I feel now.

 

Yes he deserves time and space and I'll give it to him but I keep wondering why does someone who cheats on you and uses you for years get to have your heart?

 

He pulls me so close and then pushes me away. I do respect that he tells me what he's doing but what he does during his "me" time is really destructive.

 

I just like hanging out.. I don't care what we are doing and normally that fine but now that he loves me and he is angry.. I have to sit and let him figure it out.. sucks ass.

 

Let me share with you what I learned from someone when the love of your life asks for space. Hopefully reading it will open up your mind more about the whole situation of giving someone SPACE.

 

When a man gets distant.....A lot of times, what happens in a relationship is that the woman typically willwant more than the man, or she'll want to get to it quicker than he does. She wants to start defining the relationship, she wants to start labeling it,ask 'where is this going,' etc. In the most basic and instinctive way, she's actually wanting to stake her claim on him. She wants answers because she doesn't want to 'waste her time.' Ouch, ladies, that's an insult to good guys everywhere and they do have feelings!

 

A man just want to roll along and have a good time getting to know someone, he's typically happy being single and it would take a really terrific gal to make him think maybe being committed to one woman, *this* woman, would be better than being free to have his pick of them anymore. So even though he's enjoying this one particular gal, alot, he starts to pull back a little when he starts to feel crowded, starts to feel his freedom slipping away from him. He wants to and doesn't want to give that up. For men, freedom is the thing that lets them do what they want, when they want, without having to ask anyone, it's a pretty defining masculine trait. The more free a man is, the more masculine he thinks he'll feel. Another very masculine trait is that if something doesn't feel right to him, he backs off from it. He doesn't analyze why it doesn't feel right, he doesn't make excuses for why it doesn't feel right, he trusts his instincts and backs away from it. Takes a look at it from a more objective point of view and decides whether he wants to deal with it in a different way or not. This is, after all, his life we're talking about and he wants it to be as trouble-and drama-free as possible. Only problem is, this creates more drama.

 

If the woman is secure in herself, is secure in the knowledge that she is loving, interesting, amazing in her own unique ways and can really have any available guy she wanted, she'll be okay with him pulling back, because it gives her room to breathe also, she's got a life outside of him. The problem is if she's not okay in herself or has built her life around him, forgetting her own interests. Then she starts to get a little insecure, she starts to ask him a lot of questions, she wants to have all kinds of relationship talks about 'where this is going,' she gets a little jealous when he checks out another girl, even in passing down the street. This is, after all, her life we're talking about and she wants it to be as trouble- and drama-free as possible. Only problem is, this creates more drama. Even without wanting to, she starts acting little by little more and more clingy, and then the guy thinks, "This isn't the same girl I started out liking, this must be the real way she is, her true colors. I can't deal with *that* the rest of my life, she must not be the right one for me after all. I need to think about this, I need my space," and he goes off into his 'cave' to think and mull it over.

 

Maybe she only freaks out for a little bit, but the damage is done. He mistakenly thinks she'll be like this forever, and even if he did at one time think about the long-term with her before because he thought she was great, now he's thinking about her being *this way* forever, all clingy and needy, forcing the issue, and so he pulls away even more. She gets even worse, starts to call him more, starts to think she's not on his mind anymore or worse, that he's got someone else on his mind. She tries to avert this. She plans things, she does more, she reasons with him, she talks about the relationship, she starts to come closer the more he tries to back away. She's trying to be loving, but now he's trying to escape.

 

So for you, ladies, if you want to help your man feel like 'da man,' give him his space. I know it feels almost impossible, it goes against everything we know as women. Please remember you're dating a man. When we want to feel closer to our friends, well, we just get closer. It is so completely the opposite when it comes to the men in our lives. It really is. Let him call you, don't initiate most of the calling. Be relaxed and comfortable and happy in your life, keep going with it, keep being fabulous or become fabulous. Be positive or fake it 'til you make it. Focus your own spotlight on lovely you. Let him feel that horrible feeling of loneliness he thought he wouldn't feel without you.

 

When you don't call him, you help him see three things: 1. He really does miss you and need you and if he doesn't it's best to know now with as little drama as possible, 2. You can walk away from him easily and drama-free, you have options and you're not tied to this one man, and 3. You won't freak out when you don't get your way, so you're not going to force him or even ask him to be with you, he can instead *choose* to be with you, you're fine either way. Guys like choices. The result of that is that he will feel that masculine freedom again, but hey wait a minute! He found that freedomhe's looking for! In a relationship! With you!

 

When a man pulls away, what you do and what you think are critical, I can't stress it enough. Calm, cool, relaxed, in control of your feelings and emotions,they don't control you and neither does he. The space will give YOUperspective as well on the relationship and whether you even want it, but ifyou want him back, you've got to let him go first. Honest and pinky swear.

In the meantime, go get your own life going again, do the things that make you feel good about yourself and get to work on giving up control of a situation. Let yourself settle down again so that you can see you'll really be alright. Chances are, he can finally relax too and start to feel goodabout the relationship and you all over again.

[Sojie]

Great reply

[youngnlove89]

This. THIS. Everyone read this!!!

 

Let me share with you what I learned from someone when the love of your life asks for space. Hopefully reading it will open up your mind more about the whole situation of giving someone SPACE.

 

When a man gets distant.....A lot of times, what happens in a relationship is that the woman typically willwant more than the man, or she'll want to get to it quicker than he does. She wants to start defining the relationship, she wants to start labeling it,ask 'where is this going,' etc. In the most basic and instinctive way, she's actually wanting to stake her claim on him. She wants answers because she doesn't want to 'waste her time.' Ouch, ladies, that's an insult to good guys everywhere and they do have feelings!

 

A man just want to roll along and have a good time getting to know someone, he's typically happy being single and it would take a really terrific gal to make him think maybe being committed to one woman, *this* woman, would be better than being free to have his pick of them anymore. So even though he's enjoying this one particular gal, alot, he starts to pull back a little when he starts to feel crowded, starts to feel his freedom slipping away from him. He wants to and doesn't want to give that up. For men, freedom is the thing that lets them do what they want, when they want, without having to ask anyone, it's a pretty defining masculine trait. The more free a man is, the more masculine he thinks he'll feel. Another very masculine trait is that if something doesn't feel right to him, he backs off from it. He doesn't analyze why it doesn't feel right, he doesn't make excuses for why it doesn't feel right, he trusts his instincts and backs away from it. Takes a look at it from a more objective point of view and decides whether he wants to deal with it in a different way or not. This is, after all, his life we're talking about and he wants it to be as trouble-and drama-free as possible. Only problem is, this creates more drama.

 

If the woman is secure in herself, is secure in the knowledge that she is loving, interesting, amazing in her own unique ways and can really have any available guy she wanted, she'll be okay with him pulling back, because it gives her room to breathe also, she's got a life outside of him. The problem is if she's not okay in herself or has built her life around him, forgetting her own interests. Then she starts to get a little insecure, she starts to ask him a lot of questions, she wants to have all kinds of relationship talks about 'where this is going,' she gets a little jealous when he checks out another girl, even in passing down the street. This is, after all, her life we're talking about and she wants it to be as trouble- and drama-free as possible. Only problem is, this creates more drama. Even without wanting to, she starts acting little by little more and more clingy, and then the guy thinks, "This isn't the same girl I started out liking, this must be the real way she is, her true colors. I can't deal with *that* the rest of my life, she must not be the right one for me after all. I need to think about this, I need my space," and he goes off into his 'cave' to think and mull it over.

 

Maybe she only freaks out for a little bit, but the damage is done. He mistakenly thinks she'll be like this forever, and even if he did at one time think about the long-term with her before because he thought she was great, now he's thinking about her being *this way* forever, all clingy and needy, forcing the issue, and so he pulls away even more. She gets even worse, starts to call him more, starts to think she's not on his mind anymore or worse, that he's got someone else on his mind. She tries to avert this. She plans things, she does more, she reasons with him, she talks about the relationship, she starts to come closer the more he tries to back away. She's trying to be loving, but now he's trying to escape.

 

So for you, ladies, if you want to help your man feel like 'da man,' give him his space. I know it feels almost impossible, it goes against everything we know as women. Please remember you're dating a man. When we want to feel closer to our friends, well, we just get closer. It is so completely the opposite when it comes to the men in our lives. It really is. Let him call you, don't initiate most of the calling. Be relaxed and comfortable and happy in your life, keep going with it, keep being fabulous or become fabulous. Be positive or fake it 'til you make it. Focus your own spotlight on lovely you. Let him feel that horrible feeling of loneliness he thought he wouldn't feel without you.

 

When you don't call him, you help him see three things: 1. He really does miss you and need you and if he doesn't it's best to know now with as little drama as possible, 2. You can walk away from him easily and drama-free, you have options and you're not tied to this one man, and 3. You won't freak out when you don't get your way, so you're not going to force him or even ask him to be with you, he can instead *choose* to be with you, you're fine either way. Guys like choices. The result of that is that he will feel that masculine freedom again, but hey wait a minute! He found that freedomhe's looking for! In a relationship! With you!

 

When a man pulls away, what you do and what you think are critical, I can't stress it enough. Calm, cool, relaxed, in control of your feelings and emotions,they don't control you and neither does he. The space will give YOUperspective as well on the relationship and whether you even want it, but ifyou want him back, you've got to let him go first. Honest and pinky swear.

In the meantime, go get your own life going again, do the things that make you feel good about yourself and get to work on giving up control of a situation. Let yourself settle down again so that you can see you'll really be alright. Chances are, he can finally relax too and start to feel goodabout the relationship and you all over again.

[Sojie]

So another week has gone by now and I don't feel any better.... I just miss hanging out so much.. we laugh all the time.. instead i fulfill my days with "stuff" yes I have lots to do but how to you pretend you wouldn't rather be with him?

 

He keeps just saying hey how goes or random small talk via text but he's not interested in hanging out at all. I keep letting him come to me but i miss him sooo much.

 

I know he's mostly just hanging out in his garage and couch with some random pursuit of physical satisfaction i'm sure but I miss our friendship more then the affection.

 

I don't know how to just keep giving him space and being truly happy.