stillafool Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 When you and your spouse were dating, who brought up marriage? My husband brought it up. Again and again. I would just smile because I wasn't sure I wanted to marry again being this is my 3rd marriage. I'm so glad I did as I've never been so happy. The 3rd time truly is a charm.
Woggle Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 My husband brought it up. Again and again. I would just smile because I wasn't sure I wanted to marry again being this is my 3rd marriage. I'm so glad I did as I've never been so happy. The 3rd time truly is a charm. Your third? I fully expect this one to last but if for some reason this one doesn't I am done.
Pyro Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 We both brought it up together. We were sick of having a long distance relationship.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 (edited) This might sound absolutely nuts...but I mentioned marriage after our first kiss when I was 19...not that I wanted to get married right then. I wanted to make sure we weren't just screwing around. I wanted someone who was looking for a long term relationship. We got married when I was 22, she was 23. I brought it up by proposing on vacation at the beach at the end of a pier while watching the waves. She cried tears of joy for a full hour. The answer was yes. We were still in college. We were engaged for a couple years. (so I was probably 20 when I proposed). We were married 14 years when she cheated, and now we have been separated for a year with divorce still pending. Looking back at your original question...yeah I think having common goals in a relationship is realllllly important. What a waste of time if not. Hence my bringing it up from day #1. I actually feel that was the right thing to do. Even if we did end in tragedy 17-18 years later. I did get a long term relationship that did have a lot of great points to it along the way. Edited June 5, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband 2
Author Seductive Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 It depends on the age of the couple. If the man is still in his 20's, then I would say no. Most twenty-something men are still immature and are not ready for a commitment. Often they don't have a decent enough job to support a family. Some are still in college, and haven't figured out what they want to do with the rest of their life. If you suggest or hint at marriage to a guy who is still young, it will scare him off, or cause problems. If he is in his 30's or older, and you are too, then after about 6 months to a year together, it's okay to be honest and say that you are tired of relationships of the past that have gone nowhere, and that you are hoping that this one might result in a future for the two of you. If he looks panicky or says he isn't ready to commit, he probably never will be. Time to move on! Unfortunately, most women don't move on, because they're in love. They hang in there for sometimes years, and then the guy gets restless and the relationship falls to pieces, and the woman is left to pick up the pieces. Years wasted for nothing. Preach on! This is why I don't date men in their early to mid 20's. I get a lot of men that age hitting on me (I'm 30), but I know there's no future. Most of these men are still in graduate school or trying to find themselves, or they still live with their parents. I think if a man truly loves you, he will let you know if he wants you in your future. I wouldn't date a man for years with no mention of marriage on his part. 6 months to a year is a good time frame to ask where things are going.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I just wanna add that if the guy is turned off by you wanting a commitment later down the road then maybe it's not meant to be. You don't have the same goals. If you downplay your goals for the sake of prolonging the relationship...then get mad when it blows up later...well? I think transparency and honesty are always best, even when it hurts. It prevents even nastier things from happening. 1
Author Seductive Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 I just wanna add that if the guy is turned off by you wanting a commitment later down the road then maybe it's not meant to be. You don't have the same goals. If you downplay your goals for the sake of prolonging the relationship...then get mad when it blows up later...well? I think transparency and honesty are always best' date=' even when it hurts. It prevents even nastier things from happening.[/quote'] In my last relationship, my ex said that he was serious about commitment in general. He just wasn't ready to marry. I don't want to take the risk of dating four years, and then realizing that you're not compatible for marriage. All that time wasted could have been spent with someone that wanted to be with you. I usually don't mention marriage or commitment during the early stages of dating. My first date conversations are light.
ThomasD Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 This might sound absolutely nuts...but I mentioned marriage after our first kiss when I was 19 . . . . . . I think having common goals in a relationship is realllllly important. It saddens me to think you two had to end it. Yeah, the first kiss - at the end of the first date - on the day we first met - probably clinched it for me. (We were both 22.) At least made me seriously consider that we might get married in the foreseeable future. I don't think I mentioned to her that I was already thinking that way after our first date, at least not until we actually did marry or were close to it. But we had been writing to each other for over 3 months before we met, and we knew that both of us were looking for a marriage partner. We just didn't yet know that we were good candidates as each other's spouse.
firstworldproblems Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 We're not officially engaged or married yet. But he brought it up first. It's something we talk about regularly and we're working towards getting there. I'm not ready yet but I think in a year or so we'll get engaged. Yeah, he brought it up first, and was totally thinking about it first. 6 or so months after we started dating, we were holding each other talking late one night, and he just said "can I ask you a question? Do you think you would marry me someday?" I was actually quite suprised, but of course said that I would consider that. It was only shortly after we had said "I love you" to each other (which I initiated, he reciprocated). We were starting to spend a lot more time together and engage more emotionally, and I think it was important to him to know we were thinking the same thing. It depends on the age of the couple. If the man is still in his 20's, then I would say no. Most twenty-something men are still immature and are not ready for a commitment.... maybe, I only know my guy, but he is definetly the type to think long-term, and he is only 24 (23 when he asked for the first time). I think Often they don't have a decent enough job to support a family. Some are still in college, and haven't figured out what they want to do with the rest of their life..... True, we are not getting engaged right now mainly because of lack of job security/ job permanance. Both college graduates, I'm applying to higher education. But that doesn't mean we don't both know we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. He has bought a house and even though it is and will be his, he is engaging me in many of the decisions because he has every intention of that being our first house together. to summarize, as an unmarried, unengaged girl, he definitely brought my thoughts around. Before falling in love with him, he was just a cool guy and a fun relationship, but we are now talking about marriage and working twoards it together. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) In my last relationship, my ex said that he was serious about commitment in general. He just wasn't ready to marry. I don't want to take the risk of dating four years, and then realizing that you're not compatible for marriage. All that time wasted could have been spent with someone that wanted to be with you. I usually don't mention marriage or commitment during the early stages of dating. My first date conversations are light. I guess I've never done the official "dating" thing. We were on a college campus hanging around the dorm lobby... Talking every night, going clubbing when a bunch of people went out. We went on a walk one night on the campus grounds and were sitting in a nice secluded grassy area. That's when we first kissed and I mentioned eventual goals (not a proposal). She kinda smiled and nodded honestly haha. Maybe she was just really horny and it happened to work for 18 years. I dunno.lol My only other serious relationship was in highschool and we knew each other from classes..band..and orchestra . We started meeting up at each other's places and at the beach, but we were already in a relationship. The whole, "I just met you and we are now on a date" thing just seems so unnatural to me. I guess if I ever pull the trigger on the online dating thing I'll have to go there...but usually people spell out their intentions/goals on their profiles(hopefully honestly..) I consider that to be important. So there you go. Edited July 1, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband
LittleTiger Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 He did - a few days after we met IRL! The official proposal didn't come until 9 months later though.
skydiveaddict Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) He did - a few days after we met IRL! The official proposal didn't come until 9 months later though. Nice! I bet you're worth it too. Btw, I'm working on my rudeness. It's still a work in progress though. You know the reasons. Edited July 1, 2013 by skydiveaddict
CarrieT Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I wouldn't say it is about gender. I am a unique example. I had a horrible first marriage and swore I would never walk down the aisle again. The fact that she convinced is a testament to what a catch she is. And yet Woggle's story is not that unique... I also had a bad first marriage (discovered husband having sex with another man when I came home early from work with the flu) and swore I would never get married again. It took me almost 25 years to find someone to change my mind. He had also had a horrible, HORRIBLE marriage and swore he would never get married again. We sort of changed each others' minds, but he was the one that brought it up first. 1
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