Seductive Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 When you and your spouse were dating, who brought up marriage? Did the woman bring it up or did she wait until the man proposed? I've been hearing mixed things on how men are turned off by a woman mentioning marriage, whereas others say that the woman needs to let her man know what the expectations are. So, I'm curious if married couples can give insight. 2
Silly_Girl Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 3 months in he was going on a stag weekend and I was going away to celebrate my birthday with my son in Dublin. He gave me my gifts early and told me he loved me. I felt too frightened and under pressure to say it back. I wasn't 100% sure of trusting any man. But I said something like 'it's not that I don't care for you, we're perfect together, I think we'll get married and be happy, but right now I can't say any more than that'. 2.5 months later I asked him whether we could talk seriously about the future. And that if we were genuinely that serious we should talk about marriage etc, because we're not young, wanted children together, and it should be borne in mind that we were not getting any younger... A while after that we got engaged and both of us have never been happier. 1
Author Seductive Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 3 months in he was going on a stag weekend and I was going away to celebrate my birthday with my son in Dublin. He gave me my gifts early and told me he loved me. I felt too frightened and under pressure to say it back. I wasn't 100% sure of trusting any man. But I said something like 'it's not that I don't care for you, we're perfect together, I think we'll get married and be happy, but right now I can't say any more than that'. 2.5 months later I asked him whether we could talk seriously about the future. And that if we were genuinely that serious we should talk about marriage etc, because we're not young, wanted children together, and it should be borne in mind that we were not getting any younger... A while after that we got engaged and both of us have never been happier. So, he reacted well when you brought up the topic?
CherryT Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 We're not officially engaged or married yet. But he brought it up first. It's something we talk about regularly and we're working towards getting there. I'm not ready yet but I think in a year or so we'll get engaged. 1
Author Seductive Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 She did and it took a lot to convince me. This is what I see, and what I've experienced. When the woman brings it up first, the man may pull away, be hesitant or make excuses. Trying to convince someone to marry you isn't fun. IMHO, it's better for the man to bring it up, because at least his desire to marry is coming from his heart and not out of pressure. 2
Dean13 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I was terrified of getting married. I dated my wife for 4 years before proposing. Only after quite a few subtle hints(some not so subtle) from her, so I guess she brought it up first. It wasn't her though that made me feel like that, I just suck at making big decisions and needed to be pushed a little. I would have been that indecisive with anyone.
Woggle Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 This is what I see, and what I've experienced. When the woman brings it up first, the man may pull away, be hesitant or make excuses. Trying to convince someone to marry you isn't fun. IMHO, it's better for the man to bring it up, because at least his desire to marry is coming from his heart and not out of pressure. I wouldn't say it is about gender. I am a unique example. I had a horrible first marriage and swore I would never walk down the aisle again. The fact that she convinced is a testament to what a catch she is. 4
Author Seductive Posted June 1, 2013 Author Posted June 1, 2013 I wouldn't say it is about gender. I am a unique example. I had a horrible first marriage and swore I would never walk down the aisle again. The fact that she convinced is a testament to what a catch she is. That's a nice story ending! 1
tbf Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 An easy question. With every guy I was in a relationship with, including both husbands, they were the ones who mentioned marriage first. 1
Silly_Girl Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 So, he reacted well when you brought up the topic? Totally! Completely comfortable and glad I did. Think he would have been nervous of rejection (just because of how his only other relationship went).
georgia girl Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 We had a bit of a bumpy road... but in the end, he brought marriage up. At first, given that he had recently experienced fears of commitment, I said no. When he and I had solidified our relationship, I said yes. I think it depends on the couple's dynamic. You should feel free, confident and happy to discuss anything with your partner. Sorta like how I am about to express my frustration that he was rude tonight.
Ursa Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I guess I did, because he was asking me to leave the city I was making a life in to move several hundred miles away to live with him and his daughter. I understood that because of his child he couldn't be the one to move, but I wanted us to be on the same page, that if I uprooted myself and moved to be with them it would have to be part of a serious process with an eye towards moving forward. I didn't expect a marriage proposal immediately or anything, I wanted us to both have time to make sure everything was right, but I also wanted to be sure that was on the table and something we were both aware of. He agreed. It wasn't a big deal, it just seemed like the rational thing to make sure we both had the same goal in mind. About a year after I moved in, he proposed. I was engaged once previously and that proposal was completely out of the blue. We were both pretty young and it wasn't even on my radar, in fact I ended up breaking it off because it felt too rushed and I didn't think I was really ready to settle down. I had to spend the next several years wandering the globe before I was ready to meet my now-husband and start turning my thoughts to family.
KathyM Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 My husband brought it up first. We had been dating for 10 months exclusively, and he mentioned at a time we were embracing each other that "I would like to marry you." We were officially engaged within two months after that, and had our wedding six months after the engagement. Happily married for many years. We've had our ups and downs, like all marriages do, but have a very solid happy marriage.
Nyla Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 When you and your spouse were dating, who brought up marriage? Did the woman bring it up or did she wait until the man proposed? I've been hearing mixed things on how men are turned off by a woman mentioning marriage, whereas others say that the woman needs to let her man know what the expectations are. So, I'm curious if married couples can give insight. Neither me nor my husband ever thought we would get married, until we met each other. There was some commitment drama from my husband and we broke up until we figured it out. When my husband asked me to move in after two years of being on and off, he told me that if I didn't want to get married I should not move in with him. We were engaged two months after that. I think that women should be honest about their wishes and intentions for a relationship, so that the man knows where she stands. Ultimatums often backfire and lead to marriages only out of duty, which breeds resentment. Honest and respectful discussions about commitment go a long way; it should never be forced.
ThomasD Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (You're asking me to remember back almost 40 years!) I don't recall it was ever mentioned explicitly, but I think we both knew from the start that we were each dating with the intent of finding a mutually compatible life partner. As things progressed the discussion was mutual, two-sided, sincere, and progressively more specific - from "Yeah, I hope to be married someday", "Me too."; to "When should we get married?", "How about late next summer?". In between there was talk about what we expected from a spouse, life plans, fundamental beliefs, etc. We started with more than 3 months of sight-unseen writing to each other (now called "LDR") and had a fair idea about each other's views of marriage in general before we even met. I came away from our first in-person date thinking of her as a likely life partner, but don't think I mentioned that to her until after we were married. About 3-1/2 months after that first meeting I got her father's permission, then proposed to her but it almost seemed like an after-the-fact formality since we both knew we had been moving in that direction. Still married (to each other!) almost 39 years later. 2
Silly_Girl Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think that women should be honest about their wishes and intentions for a relationship, so that the man knows where she stands. Ultimatums often backfire and lead to marriages only out of duty, which breeds resentment. Honest and respectful discussions about commitment go a long way; it should never be forced. I think that PEOPLE should be honest about their long-term relationship aspirations. In my experience the stereotype of the woman desperate to bag her man is baloney. Lots of young men hope to find a woman they can be happy with, and settle down and get married.
Author Seductive Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Neither me nor my husband ever thought we would get married, until we met each other. There was some commitment drama from my husband and we broke up until we figured it out. When my husband asked me to move in after two years of being on and off, he told me that if I didn't want to get married I should not move in with him. We were engaged two months after that. I think that women should be honest about their wishes and intentions for a relationship, so that the man knows where she stands. Ultimatums often backfire and lead to marriages only out of duty, which breeds resentment. Honest and respectful discussions about commitment go a long way; it should never be forced. That didn't work for me. When I was on an Indian marriage site, the men that I met knew that my parents and I were looking for marriage. But, they used my desire as leverage to get casual sex. Mind others, I didn't sleep with these men. Their actions on the first few dates revealed that they were pretending to be marriage-minded to get the woman to lower her guard. When I told one man that I wasn't comfortable with his behavior and that I'm looking for something serious, he said "I'm not looking for anything serious." Um, then why are you on a marriage site? This marriage site cost 100 bucks, which is the same amount as getting a hooker. When I talked to other Indian women, they said they had the same experiences. Some of them even got hit on by married men pretending to be single bachelors looking for wives. Ever since those bad experiences, I'm more hesitant as to who I reveal my intentions too.
Eve Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 When you and your spouse were dating, who brought up marriage? Did the woman bring it up or did she wait until the man proposed? I've been hearing mixed things on how men are turned off by a woman mentioning marriage, whereas others say that the woman needs to let her man know what the expectations are. So, I'm curious if married couples can give insight. I don't really count my previous relationships anymore. They did each propose but I accepted only one ring. My Husband, the cocky so and so, told me he was going to marry me within days of us first speaking and proposed after a VERY short amount of time. He still is just as intense... when he says something, he means it. He prides himself on being very manly and so would not have gone for me doing the proposing. No, it was all part of the romancing, which I had had a bit off a block towards previously due to not really taking men very seriously. Take care, Eve x
Nyla Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 (edited) I think that PEOPLE should be honest about their long-term relationship aspirations. In my experience the stereotype of the woman desperate to bag her man is baloney. Lots of young men hope to find a woman they can be happy with, and settle down and get married. Yes, you are right. However, I was not trying to say that only women want marriage.....not sure why you thought I was stereotyping just because I didn't use the word "people". Stereotypes often have a base in reality, though they do not describe everyone in a given group. I almost never hear of men who have issues with their girlfriends not wanting a commitment. It is far more often the other way around. I apologize if my post was not PC enough or if I offended you with the use of the word "women". Edited June 5, 2013 by Nyla 1
pink_sugar Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 When you and your spouse were dating, who brought up marriage? Did the woman bring it up or did she wait until the man proposed? I've been hearing mixed things on how men are turned off by a woman mentioning marriage, whereas others say that the woman needs to let her man know what the expectations are. So, I'm curious if married couples can give insight. My husband, believe it or not, was the one to initiate discussion of marriage in the future. Love a man who wants to commit. Later on, he proposed to me the first night we moved in together. 1
waytogo Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 He brought it up first. I would have been fine to live together, maybe even preferred it at that time. Marriage was the only acceptable for him. I wasn't against marriage, and love him so much that his preference was worth life with him. Turns out, he was right anyway. I can't tell you what's so different about being married, only that I love it!
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I really dont know who brought it up first! Lol All I know is that from the get go we both have been very open about where we see things going.He wanted me to know that he as looking for a lifelong partner, not a fling. We talk about kids, marriage, timelines, where we want to raise kids, all of that. After we said I love you talking about marriage and the future became normal. Fairly early we discussed when we wanted kids, he is older so he has a timeline of his own, he just doesn't want to be an "old" dad. Now that I think about it, he has always been the one I initiate these talks. Lol As for marriage, we bring it up quite a bit, just the other day I was talking about how I want to attend a certain college. I joked that I could spend a year there alone just how Hes leaving me for a year and he said "no way! I'm going with you, besides, well be married by then."
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Btw; I'm not married now, but with my first husband things went the same way. He proposed spontaneously, but we had already been discussing marriage.
passingbreeze Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 It depends on the age of the couple. If the man is still in his 20's, then I would say no. Most twenty-something men are still immature and are not ready for a commitment. Often they don't have a decent enough job to support a family. Some are still in college, and haven't figured out what they want to do with the rest of their life. If you suggest or hint at marriage to a guy who is still young, it will scare him off, or cause problems. If he is in his 30's or older, and you are too, then after about 6 months to a year together, it's okay to be honest and say that you are tired of relationships of the past that have gone nowhere, and that you are hoping that this one might result in a future for the two of you. If he looks panicky or says he isn't ready to commit, he probably never will be. Time to move on! Unfortunately, most women don't move on, because they're in love. They hang in there for sometimes years, and then the guy gets restless and the relationship falls to pieces, and the woman is left to pick up the pieces. Years wasted for nothing.
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