scatterd Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Has your MM or MW talked to their spouse on the phone while you are there? If so does he or she say they love them before hanging up or do they act uncomfortable? Also how do you feel about it? 1
SweetiePie12 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Nope. Once he got a text and said he had to go get something from the store before he went back to that house. I presume it was from her. Is he her errand boy or something?! This is when he was actually able to spend some time in the evening. Did she suspect he's elsewhere? Attempt to interject into our situation? Is this why his evenings are so off limits now? We need to change that. Rant. Sorry. Edited May 31, 2013 by SweetiePie12
Praying4Peace Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 At the very beginning if there was a phone call from either of our spouses we'd take it. But honestly, it was after the first Dday and one can ALWAYS tell if someone else is sitting there...you just talk differently. I'd try to be totally normal and he could still tell and so could she. So we had a rule to leave the room so we could talk normally. btw- I'm not proud of this, or any of my A behavior...just answering the question. It was better to leave the area regardless of the difference in speaking style. I guess it was too much cross-bubble contamination and ruined the time together. Especially when we were telling blatant lies perfectly convincingly. That's not a talent you wanna show off in front of anyone....
So happy together Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Nope. Once he got a text and said he had to go get something from the store before he went back to that house. I presume it was from her. Is he her errand boy or something?! This is when he was actually able to spend some time in the evening. Did she suspect he's elsewhere? Attempt to interject into our situation? Is this why his evenings are so off limits now? We need to change that. Rant. Sorry. Have things changed dramatically in your situation recently? It seems like your posts have changed a little. Everything okay? 1
Author scatterd Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I think the ability to text makes it hard for OW and wife to determine what goes on the other end. Hearing the tone of a voice or conversation could send red flags or confirm feelings. 1
bellasue Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 My xMM did that once. W was on her own separate vacation. It was a mundane conversation, and he did add "love you" at the end, which I think was their customary conversation ender. I told him in no uncertain terms that he should ALWAYS leave the room if he was going to take the call, or better yet not take it at all when I was there. Again, I was big into things being as close to equal as possible. So if he wasn't going to answer my calls when they were together in the evenings, he better grant me the same courtesy. Boy was I hard on him......no wonder he left! Hahaha. I say that completely tongue in cheek.
ScarlettKaren Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Yep. on both our ends. He had to call his wife back a couple of times. And it wouldn't have been normal to not end the conversation with "I love you" When possible we tried to get away from eachother so as not to make it more painful. That's not always possible. Honestly. Those phone calls always shook both of us up quite a bit. Lots of quiet reflective, "what the hell are we doing?" time. But we came back to each other. Until d-day blew it apart. No, none of this makes me proud. Just trying to answer a question honestly. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Not until after dday. When we started out one of my rules was I wouldn't hide. I wouldn't turn my phone off, miss a call, stifle a cough, turn the TV down. He was welcome to talk in front of me but I wasn't changing my actions. When I did hear them talking after dday it was expectedly heated so it wasn't a gauge of what every day conversations were for them. Since their d and he and I've been together we've had a lot of chance to all 3 talk. Their conversations are comfortable now and they reflect their history. They've both worked really hard to get to this point.
So happy together Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 There was one time when we were on vacation together and she called. He stepped out into the hall and was brusk and hung up. It never happened again. He felt worse than I did. And not for her.
Author scatterd Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Thank you for being honest with me. I would imagine it would hurt.
Summer Breeze Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 It might have if it had happened. I put the boundaries in place before anything started for me to keep my power but looking back maybe some of what I asked for protected me from different things. This is an interesting question. I hope more people answer.
Goodbye Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 The first time I spent time with the exMM, he did take calls from his wife. This was when he was pretending to be separated/divorcing. He'd keep it short, and to the topic of his son, no I love yous. I could tell it was strained though, as if he SHOULD be saying more. During the next visit, I told him it made me uncomfortable and to go elsewhere when he needed to talk with her.
ScarlettKaren Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Thank you for being honest with me. I would imagine it would hurt. You are very welcome. Yes, painful, intrusive to them (yes, I understand the irony there) and a stunning reminder of the "otherness" of our place in each-others lives.
Pjonstone Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 The closest my xMM ever got to separating from BS was to move into the spare room of their home. It allowed us hours and hours during the week of skype time. He'd often get phone calls from BS but very rarely did they ever end with affection. However, she did come into the room from time to time, unannounced "just to say I love you". Even though it was usually just a "love you too" and he kinda shrank from the hugs, it did make us both a bit uncomfortable. When I communicated that it was really awkward for us both, he worked out the situation so that it happened only rarely. I agree with Summer Breeze in that each person in the A needs to have boundaries.
tryingto Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 ExMM took several calls from his wife when I was nearby but I would guess most often he would wait to talk with her after he stepped away from me. The conversations never seemed pleasant and he always seemed annoyed or whatever (he actually seemed like a different person at those rare times) and there were never any I love you's. His interaction with her seemed to back up what he had initially told me about the marriage being over... but looking back now, I know they were brief snapshots in time and not necessarily indicative of the day to day status of their relationship.
missy268 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Yep, when they were together, she would phone, he would apologise and say he had to take it, when she said love you, he would just say me too - and it would break my heart everytime, as well as hearing the lies he was telling her! She would ask what he is doing, he told her once he was at work, or he had been busy with his sister/mum He confessed once that he had been over to see me and he had lied to her, she knew we were friends and she banned him from talking/seeing me and he didn't stay away then anyway she kicked off big time as you would, he rang me to tell me and i just should have hung up then and said good its what you deserve, but i didn't. Writing all this back, makes me wonder why i put up with it!
SweetiePie12 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 one can ALWAYS tell if someone else is sitting there...you just talk differently. Not us. I won't elaborate
SweetiePie12 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Have things changed dramatically in your situation recently? No dramatic changes, no; gradual, natural, subtle ones: yes. It seems like your posts have changed a little. Everything okay? We are OK, but things can be better, & we're working on it, & we're grateful. Kind of you to inquire.
SweetiePie12 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I think the ability to text makes it hard for OW and wife to determine what goes on the other end. Hearing the tone of a voice or conversation could send red flags or confirm feelings. Right. He talks to his legitimate business associates quite openly around me...
SweetiePie12 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 he did add "love you" at the end, which I think was their customary conversation ender. I totally understand. So if he wasn't going to answer my calls when they were together in the evenings, he better grant me the same courtesy. My friend is so sweet. He said I'm one who, if I call when he's busy, he'll pick up and say: "gotta call you back, babe" vs. sending me to voicemail Boy was I hard on him......no wonder he left! Hahaha. I say that completely tongue in cheek. He wasn't feeling that tough love?
BrokenPrincess Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Has your MM or MW talked to their spouse on the phone while you are there? If so does he or she say they love them before hanging up or do they act uncomfortable? Also how do you feel about it? Once I answered a phone call from my H while I was on a video call with xMM. I walked away from the camera but he could still hear me. It was a very brief conversation about picking up a couple things from the grocery store, no ILY at the end. I felt kind of weird about it. And once xMM talked to his W while I was sitting next to him in the hotel. That was a lot worse. She called, it was a split second of weirdness and I said go ahead & take it, there was nowhere else to go. I sat quietly, playing on my phone, feeling very, very, very uncomfortable. I could hear her voice, telling him about the the kid's SAT prep class, the big bug she found in the office, etc. It went on for an endless 15-20 minutes. No ILY. When he hung up, I felt plastered to the chair, looking at him, feeling awful. Then he said "yay! now that that's over with, we're free for the rest of the night!" I don't know if he was masking his own guilt with that comment, but I felt terrible. We just cuddled quietly for a little bit after that before going to dinner. We were about 4 months in at that point, and hearing her voice that day was the first time I felt bad for her.
Author scatterd Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Thanks everybody I wondered how it was managed. It seems going in the other room would make since. I can only imagine the elephant in the room feeling.
LYC Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 My bf speaks to his wife in front of me. When we are in the car he answers on blue tooth so it is all on speaker. He seems to handle it just fine. I don't sense any difference and they don't say i love yous at the end. If we are on a long trip though he will leave the blue tooth off and call her back when we stop for gas. He just tells her he doesn't want to drain the battery.
Leiden Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Most of my communication with MM is on skype (LDR) so I've often heard her come in and them talking for a little and also hear him answer the phone when she calls. He does say I love you and calls her baby, sweetie and whatnot. I've also heard a couple arguments between them but I'll mute my mic and go do something else for a while so I never hear more than bits and pieces. To be honest the arguments bother me much more than the I love yous. I expect the sweet talking but I hate knowing that he's upset. I spent one week with him though and when she called he would usually walk out of the room, but there was one time in the car that he put her on speaker and it just felt odd. I spent half the time thinking "oh god don't sneeze!" lol Overall it doesn't bother me unless I'm having a bad day, then it stings a little.
skylarblue Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 xMM had conversations with his W all the time in front of me, probably within a week or so of us meeting. We were together and she called saying something in reference to the baby crying all night and wanting to know where he was and why he was late (lots of times I could hear her speaking on the other end). He was very ho hum on his end of the conversation. When he hung up I asked "you have a baby" (it caught me off guard because of his age). He said yes and that she was sick at the time, basically what the phone call was about. I never had to guess it was his W. If her number came up, he'd tell me not to say anything. He never said "I love you" and usually responded to her in a nonchalant, disinterested, annoyed, or angered kind of way. He said it was easier to just take her call than to explain why he didn't answer. It would have bothered me if he did say it (during the EA) or walked into another room to take her call (why). Admittedly, I was very curious of her and how they interacted, but he'd always tell me what the convo was about anyway or answer any questions if I asked. It didn't seem to bother him or me at all. There were a few times where I was kinda surprised by the normalcy (like her asking him what he wanted for dinner) or sadden by her reactions (like her crying and asking him to come home so they could talk which he refused) or his seemingly uncaring/unaffected reactions to her. He even seemed to get a little weird about it like wanting me "near" him while talking to her or laughing at her stupidity (meaning trusting his lies) and his ability to get over on her. I know I can ask the same of myself, but sometimes I really wondered how he could be so indifferent/detached to how she felt or what he was doing (she was his W and mother to his children after all). I know he did, but he really acted like he couldn't care less.
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