Furious Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) The invitation. I've had many opportunities to cheat but I never did. I never accepted an invitation to betray another man's wife. My question is how many betrayed spouses here had an "invitation" and why didn't you go for it? Edited May 31, 2013 by Furious
worldgonewrong Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Interesting new thread. Through the years my (ex)wife and I were together, I had various women overtly hit on me and try to get me in the sack. I never pursued that, because I stubbornly revered the vows I'd taken in marriage; and also because I'm not wired that way, to cheat. Ironically, the ex took the shabby route out herself years later. 2
96nole Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 The invitation. I've had many opportunities to cheat but I never did. I never accepted an invitation to betray another man's wife. My question is how many betrayed spouses here had an "invitation" and why didn't you go for it? There were a few "hints" over time. But there was one definite, without a doubt, invite. 20 some years ago I had a "good time" with a classmate of mine at the beach one night. In fact, it was on the life guard stand. A few years ago there was a reunion and she was there. After talking and catching up for a bit, she mentioned that we should go to the beach. Wink Wink. Didn't go because I wasn't going to risk my marriage. Stupid me. 1
Author Furious Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I think that there's a stereotype to a betrayed spouse, as if a betrayed spouse has never been propositioned or had the opportunity to cheat. I heard it said often that the OW/OM was invited and it's all on the WS. I can't stop a man or women from cheating but I can decide I refuse to be a part of it.
screwedovertwenty Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 As a waitress, I get propositioned quite often. In the year that my husband was cheating on me, I had two very persistent customers. One asked me straight up if there was a Mr. in the picture. I never hid my ring and I told him yes. He continued to come in and tip me well, and ask me out on a regular basis. He actually came in the day after dday and asked the hostess if she thought he would ever "get in my pants". Another was a UPS driver who lived a couple states away. He came in early in the morning twice a week. I would talk to him about school and the kids. He ended up giving me his phone number, right before he was going on vacation. He knew my car, as he had commented on my bumper sticker, even though he parked his truck on the other side of the building. My car has my business signs on them with my phone number. So, I figured he already had my number if he wanted it. I sent him a text, letting him know that I was married. He did not care. He texted me some crazy stuff and I continued to let him know that I wasn't interested and that I was married. I stopped responding to him. After his vacation, he started coming back in twice a week, insisting on my section, but refusing to speak to me or look me in the eye. He actually started to scare me, so I changed my shifts around to avoid him. I saved the text messages from the UPS guy because everyone at work knew about him. One hostess commented that I should go for it because "he has money". I was worried that it might come back to haunt me and I wanted my husband to know that I had done nothing wrong. It turns out, that on the night that I texted the UPS guy to tell him that I was married, my husband was spending extra time with his OW. I was on an overnight pet sitting job and he knew I wouldn't be home to see when he really got home. 1
dichotomy Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I have had in the last few years a few women start chatting me up or flirting out of the blue. I was usually taken by surprise and I suppose a bit awkward at returning the flirt/chat interest. That is until recently, when I woman I know through local volunteer groups was a bit more obvious and I was a bit more acknowledging of her attention, but nothing over the line. I am not sure what an outright invitation for an affair would look like, but at this point in my marriage and reconciliation, I am grateful one has not been offered. 1
Author Furious Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 It's apparent that the opportunity to cheat is not only reserved for the WS. I think those who don't cheat are more realistic and understand that's it's not rocket science to become a cheater. I guess it truly down to integrity and character. In order to cheat, it seems it's something more than just opportunity. 5
leonine Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 In order to cheat, it seems it's something more than just opportunity.[/Quote] I would agree with this statement. In the 14 years that I was with my husband before my affair, I had at least 4 identifiable opportunities to cheat on my husband if I had chosen to. I never even came close. I shut them down with extreme prejudice. Even with the man I did eventually have an affair with, I turned down his first invitation to take things physical (I was already in an EA with him, but I didn't really know what that was at the time). He ended up following me across the country though and I gave in. I think for some people, there are a lot of factors in play in getting to the point where you make that choice. 1
krazikat Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 The invitation. I've had many opportunities to cheat but I never did. I never accepted an invitation to betray another man's wife. My question is how many betrayed spouses here had an "invitation" and why didn't you go for it? I have had several different mm try to hook up before and after I was married....guess which finger I held up? There is absolutely nothing attractive to me about a mm or taken man trying to hook up. I have never knowingly hooked up with a taken man and did not hold back on letting them know just what I thought about it. 3
Author Furious Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I would agree with this statement. In the 14 years that I was with my husband before my affair, I had at least 4 identifiable opportunities to cheat on my husband if I had chosen to. I never even came close. I shut them down with extreme prejudice. Even with the man I did eventually have an affair with, I turned down his first invitation to take things physical (I was already in an EA with him, but I didn't really know what that was at the time). He ended up following me across the country though and I gave in. I think for some people, there are a lot of factors in play in getting to the point where you make that choice. I can understand, because at my lowest points it would have been so easy to look for validation from someone else. No marriage is smooth sailing at all times, and we are all vulnerable whether we know it or not. In the end it's not about looking for someone to fill the the holes but rather the courage to either fix it or leave it. Some marriages should end, but too often marriages that are relatively good but experience rough waters are worth saving. Affairs are band aids, they don't fix a damn thing. I think those that reconcile learn that hard lesson. 1
Author Furious Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 So you are assuming from this post that OW OM have affairs with just about anyone who comes on to them. For me' date=' I have had many many invitations to have sex with other people. Sex is always available to reasonably attractive people but it wasn't about that for me, it was a connection with MM and it was something else and it was something I found that was lacking in my marriage.[/quote'] How's that connection working out for you? I think most cheaters settle for the now as opposed to the future. I could, if I wanted to have an affair with a MM, but I realize that "connection" has nothing to do with reality. Affairs are affairs, most WS's want to preserve an affair but not bring it to the next level. Which means becoming a legitimate relationship. Ever heard of purgatory, because that's where most affairs end up. 3
seren Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I think most women have been hit on by married men or men while they were married themselves and turned them down. When I was single, I was in the military, lots of good looking men, lots of opportunity to have a fling with married men and I had more than my fair share of opportunities. I admit to being attracted to some of the men, but that was as far as it went. As well as having a not knowingly harming another for my own gratification stop sign in my head, I also never, ever knowingly share the person I am seeing with another. This because I place far too much value on me, I don't share, hide, lie for or expect to be a secret. If I am with someone I expect to share their life, all of it, not just the bits that are convinient for them. I used to see and listen to these men talking about how they had picked up or been seeing another woman and all the stuff they had to say, mostly sexual, then see them with their wives and wonder how they could be so loving and careful while seeing someone else. I used to ask why and never got a response that made sense, but generally it boiled down to the OW being temporary and replaceable and the BS being the person they feared knowing what they were doing and losing. I swore I would never be a woman who was viewed as replaceable. so any invitation was turned down flat. 4
SmokeRat Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Here's the simple end of things: People who are decent, moral, just, compassionate, empathetic and GOOD, do not have affairs, nor take up offers to partake. People who do, are words that I'm not allowed to type on the forum. I've had offers to have affairs while I was married, and the words that came out of my mouth were horrible, vicious things. If I remember correctly, I made one girl break down crying after she offered to take me home for an evening. I do not believe she'd ever been called things like that when trying to pick up a married man. 3
Confused48 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 The invitation in my case came from WS. During the time that WS was in the A. and feeling guilty, WS knew that an old flame had contacted me. WS told me I should not deny my self anything with respect to this old flame but just not flaunt it or talk to WS about it. I seriously considered seeing the old flame. I did not but to this day I feel like I'm only a little different than WS bc of how close I came to doing that
2sure Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 The invitation in my case came from WS. During the time that WS was in the A. and feeling guilty, WS knew that an old flame had contacted me. WS told me I should not deny my self anything with respect to this old flame but just not flaunt it or talk to WS about it. I seriously considered seeing the old flame. I did not but to this day I feel like I'm only a little different than WS bc of how close I came to doing that Nope. Coming close happens. Thinking about it happens. Temptation happens. Standing by your commitment instead of tossing it away , is not a small difference it's a big one. Those that don't cheat , it isn't because they haven't had temptation it's because they have integrity. It's a big difference. 8
ComingInHot Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Someone wrote that they were pursued and after saying No multiple times, they "finally" have in... I was pursued for 10 years by a physically attractive man. He was a friend of my H's and over often. He tried the "wear her down" tactic too. 10 years worth! My problem was well a couple things; He was my H's "friend" And he was No friend to our M. The final straw for me was when he & H & friends got intoxicated and he kissed me. I did Not slap him. I PUNCHED him!! He didn't visit again after that... Plus he had to make up stories about how he split his lip* I broke or sprained my ring finger... That Really does hurt! Over all I've had about 12 "A invites" so far, always the same result. NO! 5
krazikat Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Someone wrote that they were pursued and after saying No multiple times, they "finally" have in... I was pursued for 10 years by a physically attractive man. He was a friend of my H's and over often. He tried the "wear her down" tactic too. 10 years worth! My problem was well a couple things; He was my H's "friend" And he was No friend to our M. The final straw for me was when he & H & friends got intoxicated and he kissed me. I did Not slap him. I PUNCHED him!! He didn't visit again after that... Plus he had to make up stories about how he split his lip* I broke or sprained my ring finger... That Really does hurt! Over all I've had about 12 "A invites" so far, always the same result. NO! :lmao: Great great story!!!! Lol Go get 'em CIH
Confused48 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 looking back, do you know why you decided not to take that step? That is what makes me feel so dirty and so not better than WS. I did set aside time for a meeting with this old flame. A couple of different times. It just did not work out. It was close to Dday and post Dday I could see old flame as the same revolting person as any person willing to temp someone who is married. But it took Dday to make me see that. So I guess you could say I decided not to bc I learned from the mistakes of my WS.
ComingInHot Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Thanks krazikat! My finger still aches from time to time but SO worth it! I can No longer hard a$$ chick films because I KNOW how fake it is. 2
Confused48 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Nope. Coming close happens. Thinking about it happens. Temptation happens. Standing by your commitment instead of tossing it away , is not a small difference it's a big one. Those that don't cheat , it isn't because they haven't had temptation it's because they have integrity. It's a big difference. But I did not have that integrity. See my response to FS.
threelaurels Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Someone wrote that they were pursued and after saying No multiple times, they "finally" have in... I was pursued for 10 years by a physically attractive man. He was a friend of my H's and over often. He tried the "wear her down" tactic too. 10 years worth! The "wear you down" tactic has been used on me before by (single) men, and I have never said yes. In fact, I find it really annoying and it will make me end a friendship and start avoiding a person faster than anything else. It is a clear sign that the person trying to wear you down has no respect for you or your boundaries. To them, you are an object that can be 'won' through coercion, and your feelings and thoughts about getting with them are basically worthless. I have been hit on by men wearing rings at bars, and I can't even begin to count the number of times I have been messaged on dating sites by men who are married but (direct quote) "not looking to change their situation" I haven't been to a bar without my boyfriend in a long time, but if I ever have a girls night out and get hit on by a married man, I think I will throw my drink in his face 4
leonine Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I did not but to this day I feel like I'm only a little different than WS bc of how close I came to doing that I'm curious, do you think this has helped at all in your attempt to reconcile? At one point not too long after dday, I was answering my BH's questions about how things started with the xMM. I laid everything out - how I felt about our marriage at the time, how I felt about myself, my husband, the MM. My husband knows about my FOO and the issues there, and he obviously knows our whole history and what each of us has done and hasn't done for us. When I got done talking, he was just quiet for a moment and then said, "you know, I probably would have slept with him too." It wasn't an endorsement of what I'd done. It wasn't forgiveness. It didn't make everything okay. He wasn't taking any blame, nor was I trying to shift it to him. It was a display of empathy though, and it really meant a lot. We all have times in our lives where we are weak and vulnerable and sometimes we do things that aren't good for us. Unfortunately, I also took down the person who means the most to me instead of going to him and insisting that I needed his help. 2
Athens Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 Yes, I am a teacher and crazy as it sounds men have that hot for teacher thing. Get advances often, never considered them. Does it make a better person with more integrity than my husband who cheated, he says it does.
Confused48 Posted June 1, 2013 Posted June 1, 2013 I'm curious, do you think this has helped at all in your attempt to reconcile? It made me more empathetic, yes. I've often been accused of being too empathetic about the A, too easy on WS. I still hate myself and WS for being the kind of people who could do this awful kind of thing. What is FOO?
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