I need , I am tired of suffering.

[Lost in NYC]

I posted the specifics of my situation in a recent lenghty note, please take a look at that if your are interested in reference.

 

I am lost. My divorce started in October and it is May and I am immobilized by depression. I have cried every single day since atleast November 1st. I barely go to work, dont go out, and do nothing except sit around wasting.

 

I feel so terribly betrayed that I constantly expect that everyone has alterieve motives and are not genuine when they deal with me. I suspect that no one truly loves me uncondtionally.

 

I believed that unconditional love existed and now I am not sure. I dont even know if what I feel for my wife is love or obsession anymore. I know I would do and give practically anything possible to be with her again and I believe that it would be better then ever, but I think that is insane.

 

Insanity is described famously as doing the same things and expecting different results.

 

I feel lost as a person, like the person who I believed I was is gone or never existed. I almost feel like I dont want to live anymore.

I am one of the most persistent people I have ever met, when faced with a challenge or problem I am typically relentless and "hyperfocus" or go into "burn mode" to overcome it. Especially with relationships.

Now I just give up and it is the saddest feeling I have ever felt.

I just give up.

Surrender.

[Almond_Joy]

You sound like you've hit rock bottom. You've cried everyday since November? That's over 7 months with no change at all?

 

Have you tried talking to a counselor or therapist? I think you need to work with someone to help you get back on your feet. There's nothing wrong with getting help, some problems are too big for one person to carry and try to resolve alone.

[Lost in NYC]

There has been changes. They just are bad changes. In the seperation I lost my wife. I moved out first and then had to go back to our apartment after she abandoned it to throw all our things away.

 

I had our car up until a fight I had with her live in boyfriend in March. I now have no car. I need a car to effectively do my job.

 

I barely work now.

 

So to summarize... I live with my parents, lost my wife, home, car, famlily (her mom and son no longer speak with me), my pets, most of my belongings, I have very little money, and my job is rapidly losing patience with me.

 

I was in therapy until my wife commented mocking me for it and I felt embarrassed. My insurance is through her and she gets to see all the itemized bills which are sent to her. I am humilated.

 

My mom has breast cancer, is losing her hair and is watching her son fall apart in front of her all the time.

 

I lack the will to aggressively fight my wife in divorce court because when I see her I only want to take her in my arms and convince her she has made a terrible mistake. I feel sorry for her.

 

Rock bottom? I hope so. The only where lower is in the ground I think.

[Lost in NYC]

I have sat in front of my computer for the most part since March either staring at Facebook, Aol, or fantasy baseball crap or playing games that are a time sink and don't even work as an effective distraction anymore.

 

My bedroom is nearly identical to my marital bedroom ( I have the furniture.) and it is set up the same way and when I sleep it looks like I am home waiting for my wife to come to bed.

 

When I sleep I often dream of her. I previously use to dream about such unreal things, fantasies or terror attack nightmares. Now I dream so realalistic, often that I am just sitting and talking with her and then when I wake up I am so terribly disappointed because the dreams felt so real.

[Lost in NYC]

Recently I had to go to court. i had to sign the papers that begin our divorce action. It was heartbreaking, one of the saddest moments of my life, I never felt more of a failure then at that moment.

I wanted nothing more then to be loving and merciful and just walk away penniless and rebuild myself without anything to do with her, however I struggle with such anger over how little kindness or compassion she has shown to me all through this and it makes me want to punish her. The only thing she seems to care about it money and her job so I struck there, It was a terrible mistake because it destroyed her faith in me and in myself. Rather then be the principled idealalistic man I aspire to be I am a petty vindictive person who wavers back and forth and is ultimately a petty failure.

[worldgonewrong]

A few brief things to set in your brain:

1. Be kind to yourself, dammit.

2. Realize that the marriage is over. Grieve. But don't act like your life is tethered to hers. It's not. It's YOUR life. What are YOU going to do with it?

3. Understand that you have nowhere to go but UP right now. There's always possibilities, always hope, but it's an independent hope now. Yours for the taking, pursuing, shaping. It's got jack to do with your stbx. In a way, that is LIBERATING.

4. Take it one day at a time. Growth is not an overnight thing.

5. Stand up straight, throw your shoulders back, and be a man for your MOM. Your own obsession with what-you-did-wrong/how-it-went-wrong isn't servicing her at all. Life is precious. Do you think your mom needs a son who's a basketcase or a son who snaps to & helps? YOU have the choice, the power, to be the responsible son. And in coming to your mom's aid/comfort, you will get out of your own head & you will get out of the quagmire of thinking about your crummy failed marriage. I know from experience - servicing others helps to make you see what is REALLY TRULY important.

6. Don't do anything else impulsively like you did before (e.g. beating up the other guy). Ask yourself: what kind of man do I want to be? And then PURSUE that. It's attainable, but it requires mental work/discipline. Nothing is beyond your scope.

People don't wake up one day and become marathon runners; they train for it.

So take the small steps, mentally 'train', and before you know it, you're running/sprinting, and you'll be amazed at the power you had within yourself all along.

7. Is life s__t now? Yes. Of course. Does it have to be that way forever? NO!! It's your story, man. You're the author. Write these next chapters according to how you want things to be.

 

DO IT.

[Almond_Joy]

When I said rock bottom I meant emotionally, not in your life achievements or status. I apologize for the lack of context.

 

I was thinking of it as a silver lining, because once you hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up.

 

Can't say how long you'll be feeling this way but it can't last forever.

 

Reread worldgonewrong's tips - they are very good. Take them to heart and talk about what you are going through. Either here or with a therapist with a trusted friend. If you keep to yourself with this sadness that only compounds it, makes it harder to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think it will help you with processing everything so that you can feel some positive stability.

[tojaz]

NYC, there's a lot of information there. I haven't had a chance to read your other thread yet, but I did want to comment on these two things.

 

I was in therapy until my wife commented mocking me for it and I felt embarrassed. My insurance is through her and she gets to see all the itemized bills which are sent to her. I am humilated.

 

This is an awful reason to quit therapy, especially if it was helping. There is no reason to feel embarrassed or humiliated by that. Use her insurance for all its worth, if she feels the need to comment, you can remind her that she has willingly traded that right for her life as a married woman living with another man. Or better yet, remove yourself from her comments all together.

 

 

 

My bedroom is nearly identical to my marital bedroom ( I have the furniture.) and it is set up the same way and when I sleep it looks like I am home waiting for my wife to come to bed.

 

It seems like a small thing in all that your dealing with, but one of the first things I did was rearrange and paint the bedroom (I kept the marital home and furniture). It is actually a small thing that can be a big help. Sell it, rearrange it, paint it, something. File the pictures and trinkets away as well. Otherwise each night is like lying your head down in a wax museum of your marriage.

 

I lack the will to aggressively fight my wife in divorce court because when I see her I only want to take her in my arms and convince her she has made a terrible mistake. I feel sorry for her.

 

There is nothing that says this has to be aggressive. There is no medal at the end for who won or lost, who was proved right or wrong. Protect your rights, and use the court to help you do that, not as a vehicle for revenge or vindication, it will just prolong your agony.

 

TOJAZ

[marqueemoon4]

Wow man, I feel your pain 100% and have been exactly where you are. Please listen to everyone when they say you will feel better.. you just have to be patient and not expect things to change overnight. Please don't give up, if nothing else your mother needs you right now.

Edited June 1, 2013 by marqueemoon4