Ok, I have an issue for once!

[Treasa]

Ok, I have this "friend" who is quite a bit younger than I am. I'm 38, he just turned 23, and we mostly play games together and just talk. We are so completely platonic that he feels like my little brother.

 

Anyway, he'll talk to me, but then he'll get a girlfriend (he's only had two, and he's on the second one right now) and sort of forget I exist. This actually relieves me, because if I don't hear from him, I assume he's doing well.

 

This current relationship he's in is a LDR. He's known for her a month or two, they did meet once before at a con, but now she's flown him out to where she lives (Vegas) for TWO WEEKS.

 

The problems are that she didn't and couldn't take any time off, works two jobs, and he's been there three days already and has only seen her once, they haven't kissed yet despite agreeing that they're BF/GF (you have no idea how hard I'm facepalming), and now she's upset because she thinks he only flew out there for sex. She paid for this two-week trip and the Days Inn he's staying in alone while she stays home.

 

Now she has pinkeye or something and has to be quarantined for at least 24 hours, and the soonest they're hanging out is tomorrow night.

 

Yesterday he texted me from his hotel room, all bored and only watching TV, and apparently she was sleeping or not responding to his texts from home or wherever she was. Oh, yeah, by the way...yesterday was his birthday.

 

So I was trying to talk to him, but I kept asking him why he couldn't just talk to, I don't know, his GIRLFRIEND. He said, "I don't want to wake her if she's sleeping."

 

I asked him if he wanted me to call him. He said, "Only if my talk with her goes bad." Ok, at that point I got pissed and stopped talking to him. He called me at 11:15pm my time. I was asleep. I woke up, saw who it was, and didn't answer. I was fed up.

 

Normally I have no problems telling people like this to **** off and stop coming to me when they want comfort or advice, but this guy has serious anxiety issues, and will often call me crying and saying, "Can you please talk to me?" When this happens he's often having a panic attack, and as I used to have them, I feel REALLY empathetic about them.

 

He does have a couple of other friends he's texting, so I think he'd be ok, but I'd feel bad if I totally ignored him.

 

When he does recover, however this ****storm works out (I told him to fly back home), I'm going to tell him that I'm either his friend, or I'm not. No more of this "You're my friend when I don't have a girlfriend" ****.

 

I'm just not sure how to respond while he's out in Vegas, alone, visiting his "girlfriend" who isn't really spending time with him.

 

This isn't so major that it's keeping me up or anything, but I'm just curious what you think, and for once I wanted to post a problem I have just to show that I am indeed human and don't always think I have the answer.

[Keenly]

It sounds to me like you are the best friend he has.

 

 

Also, if I were him, I would be furious at the whole not seeing her even though I'm visiting her situation.

[Treasa]

It sounds to me like you are the best friend he has.

 

 

Also, if I were him, I would be furious at the whole not seeing her even though I'm visiting her situation.

 

Right?? If I could have shaken him I would have. It seems like they didn't discuss ANYTHING. And they're both seemingly surprised by what's going on.

 

It is such a cluster****.

[GorillaTheater]

The "less contact because I'm in a relationship now" thing is pretty typical, to one extent or another, but I think personally what would bother me more is what I at least percieve to be this guy's neediness.

 

Is this a two-way friendship? Would he go out of his way for you?

[Treasa]

The "less contact because I'm in a relationship now" thing is pretty typical, to one extent or another, but I think personally what would bother me more is what I at least percieve to be this guy's neediness.

 

Is this a two-way friendship? Would he go out of his way for you?

 

That's a good question. We've only been friends for a year and a half, and in that time I've actually been really strong, so I've never needed him.

 

One time I did tell him I was sad (after a breakup, I think), and he asked if I needed to talk, but I didn't. I just wanted to tell someone I was sad for some reason (something I don't do anymore).

 

He's not in a way to go out of his way for anyone. His parents, from whom he's estranged, are paying for his college, and he doesn't have a job. He has roommates and I know he gets financial aid, but other than that, he's at the mercy of others.

 

Yes, the neediness bothers me. I just think that this is one of those people who is SO unstable that he might actually hurt himself if he doesn't have help. But I can only do so much, and he's just a friend, and I refuse to pause my life to fix his. Like I even could.

[salparadise]

I think you should just set proper platonic friendship boundaries, and enforce them on the one hand, while being a compassionate and understanding friend on the other. They aren't mutually exclusive, but only you can really define it.

 

What you don't want to do is put yourself in the position of being the safety net that he can't do without, because at some point you could start assuming responsibility for him. With that much age difference there may be a mentor/care-taking element to the friendship inherently, and you just need to move things the other way and relate to him more like someone your own age.

 

It's natural that people spend more time with their friends when they're not in a relationship and less when they are, so I wouldn't be too focused on that part unless there's an extreme contrast.

[Treasa]

I think you should just set proper platonic friendship boundaries, and enforce them on the one hand, while being a compassionate and understanding friend on the other. They aren't mutually exclusive, but only you can really define it.

 

What you don't want to do is put yourself in the position of being the safety net that he can't do without, because at some point you could start assuming responsibility for him. With that much age difference there may be a mentor/care-taking element to the friendship inherently, and you just need to move things the other way and relate to him more like someone your own age.

 

It's natural that people spend more time with their friends when they're not in a relationship and less when they are, so I wouldn't be too focused on that part unless there's an extreme contrast.

 

There is an extreme contrast (ignore Traci, CLING to Traci), but I understand what you're saying.

[pteromom]

This isn't so major that it's keeping me up or anything, but I'm just curious what you think, and for once I wanted to post a problem I have just to show that I am indeed human and don't always think I have the answer.

 

Sounds like you are a very good friend to him, he is very immature, and you should help him as much as you can without becoming emotionally invested in his choices. Not even so much as a facepalm.

[clia]

His current relationship sounds bizarre. I'm not going to start wondering why she flew him out there, put him up in a hotel, and then doesn't seem to want to see him. So weird! I actually kind of feel sorry for him. He must be a real doormat to accept that kind of behavior.

 

But anyway, some people are just like that -- they will "forget" about their friends when they get into a relationship. I think part of it is youth also. I used to do it when I was younger. Now I realize how much more important my friends are than a (probably fleeting) relationship. Maybe he just needs to mature a little more. I see nothing wrong with you explaining to him that it's rude to ditch your friends in those scenarios. Maybe he doesn't even realize that and you will do him a service by opening his eyes.

 

Do you get anything out of the friendship?

[KungFuJoe]

THIS is your issue????

 

I am disappoint.

 

I was hoping to read about you falling for your best friend after a night of drunken lesbian sex and you left your thong at her place and was looking for advice on how to casually bring it up.

 

And that the whole thing was recorded.

[Leigh 87]

I was hoping for something a little more exciting, Traci.

 

That's your name, right? I thought I heard you mention it somewhere.

 

Anywho, he obviously likes you more than he likes his "girlfriend" lol.

 

But you know how it is! Life gets lonely and, even happy people who have enough things to enjoy in life, can have the tendency to want to start a relationship for all the nice things they entail.

 

Seems to me like he sought out a relationship cos he met a girl that sounded cool enough and he thought he could grow to like a lot, and the idea of a relationship appealed to him.

 

She is not turning out to be that great for him.

 

He likes you more than her!

 

If he was into her, he would be checking up on her and trying to be by her side, frankly....

 

He is 23 though, you cougar....

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

First of all, you're being really kind to him, I hope he realizes/will realize how lucky he is!

 

Yes, the neediness bothers me. I just think that this is one of those people who is SO unstable that he might actually hurt himself if he doesn't have help.

 

This is something that really stood out to me, coupled with everything else (estrangement from his parents etc.). Given that you worry he might hurt himself (I'm assuming you mean inflict physical harm upon himself) if he didn't have help, is there any chance he would, in your opinion, need/benefit from professional help (counselling, support groups etc.)?

 

Also, I'm not sure in which way you meant the above statement, but is it possible he has also (perhaps subconsciously) developed his weakness/panic attacks/pity(?)/potential for self-harm as a way of (emotionally?) manipulating others, and a coping/defense mechanism?

 

I'm just asking because when I was growing up, my relatives would be quite adapt at using emotional manipulation (so sometimes I can recognize the potential signs), and I'm ashamed that at some point, especially in high school, I tried (more subconsciously - I thought at the time that was normal behaviour) to make other people feel sorry for me, so they would spend time with me etc. Not something I would ever want to do again. But I wanted to say that this has potential for being a source of emotional manipulation/unhealthy defense mechanism.

 

Is there an element of guilt present when you think about your friendship with him? Also, is there perhaps sometimes a small chance that you are being "asked" to be (emotionally) a substitute parental figure for him? (given the age difference, his estrangement of parents, other factors?).

 

Like Salparadise said (and I strongly agree with his advice):

I think you should just set proper platonic friendship boundaries, and enforce them on the one hand, while being a compassionate and understanding friend on the other. They aren't mutually exclusive, but only you can really define it.

 

What you don't want to do is put yourself in the position of being the safety net that he can't do without, because at some point you could start assuming responsibility for him. With that much age difference there may be a mentor/care-taking element to the friendship inherently, and you just need to move things the other way and relate to him more like someone your own age.

 

I feel like at the moment I don't have enough info to really go any further into this, and I wouldn't want to come across as too critical of him, but perhaps he really needs:

- professional help

- more "tough love" and boundaries to "force" him to learn to take (more) care of himself by himself, and not "use" other people so much as crutches (of course everyone wants support and help from friends, but there's a line for everyone and everything).

 

 

But I can only do so much, and he's just a friend, and I refuse to pause my life to fix his. Like I even could.

 

I'm glad you're refusing. I think (again, taking into consideration that I don't know all the facts) there's a chance this relationship (friendship, mentorship,...) has become a bit unhealthy for both of you, and that boundaries have to be redefined/reinforced, and, if you two can't find a way to make this relationship (feel) good for BOTH of you, it might be worth considering ending the friendship, at least temporarily.

 

Right?? If I could have shaken him I would have. It seems like they didn't discuss ANYTHING. And they're both seemingly surprised by what's going on.

 

It is such a cluster****.

 

Yes, his situation is bizarre and worrisome, to say the least. I truly wish him the best, but I'm afraid that he has some issues yet to address (just like I...).

 

I just wanted to tell someone I was sad for some reason (something I don't do anymore).

 

This probably isn't connected to all of this, but it still caught my attention - may I ask, if it's not too personal, if this means you don't share your sadness with anyone?

 

Hope to hear from you soon, best wishes!

Edited June 1, 2013 by Calvin's wagon

[Cutiepie1976]

Dump his cheating ass...yesterday!!! Oh! Errr...ummm...sorry. Thought we were still in the Dating Section. Carry on...

 

The "less contact because I'm in a relationship now" thing is pretty typical, to one extent or another, but I think personally what would bother me more is what I at least percieve to be this guy's neediness.

 

Is this a two-way friendship? Would he go out of his way for you?

 

All joking aside, I want to highlight GT's advice. Healthy relationships are a two-way street. Make sure that there is some benefit to you in this friendship. That he is at least there to support you in some fashion should you need it.

 

He's young and a little self-involved. Typical at his stage. Life can also be melodramatic and anxiety-provoking. He's learning the basics of managing both romantic and platonic friendships. We all get better at it. He'll be fine...a little heartbroken most likely...but he'll mend and find a new girlfriend.

 

By the way, if there truly is a risk that he might hurt himself, he needs professional help. It's important to understand the limitations of our skill set as a friend.

[Treasa]

Sorry, I was just woken up by said friend's frantic calls. I'm too tired to reply to everyone individually, but I really appreciate it, even from you mocking me.

 

The latest is that they were FINALLY going to hang out tonight (hallelujah), and he's texted me a couple of times, but I was asleep, and the he blew up BOTH my phones (cell phone and house line). He left a long, crying message that I haven't deciphered completely, but from what I can gather from it and the texts, she's completely ignoring him.

 

I didn't answer the phone because I was sleeping, up until the voicemail, which was a couple of minutes ago.

 

The reason I'm running my fingers through my hair and wanting to cry myself now is that, despite admitting he needs to leave Vegas, he wants to fly out to where I am instead of back home. We don't even live in the same state.

 

Ugh. I wish he could be strong enough to be pissed, tell her to just send his ass home, and just stop talking to her. But then, if he were like that, he wouldn't even be out there.

 

I realize I'm just venting. I'm sorry.

 

He really is truly a platonic friend, and he doesn't want me in any way except a comforting big sister way. It's just frustrating because he needs to learn to handle these things on his own. He has started seeing a psychologist and has started taking meds. It's been two months, but clearly they aren't helping him enough at this point, or he hasn't done the REAL work (I told him they alone are not a magical solution) to get better.

 

Yes, I am stalling. I don't know how to tell him that he shouldn't fly here. That he needs to go home and tough it out, but that I will always be there for him if he needs to talk. Just...not in person.

 

My head is starting to pound and I'm still not sure what to say to him, but I almost want to yell at her for ignoring him and not even telling him what's going on. I'm not going to, but I can't believe these two incredibly immature adults.

 

Thanks, guys. You did help me. I really appreciate you.

[tbf]

Not sure what advice to give but I've only cruised by to say that you have way, way, way more patience than I would, in your position.

 

Yeah, time to cut the cord and tell him not to visit. His level of neediness is a bit frightening.

[Treasa]

Thanks, tbf. You're right. I guess I'm mostly struggling with the fact that he has said he might hurt himself if he goes home, and because I've been in his situation. Unfortunately, no one else's comfort helped in the long run. I had to learn to be a lot tougher.

 

I can't believe I'm still awake. Ugh.

[tbf]

He's got a girlfriend to soothe away his owies, even if they're self-inflicted. That's emotional blackmail he's trying to serve up to you.

[Treasa]

She isn't his girlfriend anymore. Apparently she decided she didn't want to date him when they met at the airport, but didn't tell him. Yep, left him hanging for a week, and he's the idiot who agreed to go out there for 14 days.

 

I just laid it down pretty bluntly that I'm not taking this **** anymore. I told him he's my friend or he's not, but I'm not a ****ing filler for when things are going wrong with a girl. No more blowing up my phones at 1am.

[Treasa]

Actually, I just told him not to contact me until he wants an actual adult friendship.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

Glad to see you protect yourself!

 

How do you feel after all this?

 

How did he respond to what you told him?

 

Have you notified his friends/room-mates about keeping an eye on him and, if it becomes necessary, to seek urgent/professional help, especially if he truly becomes self-destructive (in case they weren't already aware of the danger)? I'd do that before really backing off and enforcing boundaries with him.

 

I really hope all this wakes him up and gets him to start working harder on himself & his issues, including his relationships with his friends!

 

Best wishes to you, I know what's it like to have to do sth like this even though you care for the other person. It's hard, but you have to care for yourself first and foremost!

[Treasa]

Hi!

 

Glad to see you protect yourself!

 

How do you feel after all this?

 

How did he respond to what you told him?

 

Have you notified his friends/room-mates about keeping an eye on him and, if it becomes necessary, to seek urgent/professional help, especially if he truly becomes self-destructive (in case they weren't already aware of the danger)? I'd do that before really backing off and enforcing boundaries with him.

 

I really hope all this wakes him up and gets him to start working harder on himself & his issues, including his relationships with his friends!

 

Best wishes to you, I know what's it like to have to do sth like this even though you care for the other person. It's hard, but you have to care for yourself first and foremost!

 

I feel pretty good. He handled it well, and agreed with me. I didn't spare him anything. I was pretty blunt. He is seeking professional help, but he may need more of it. I don't know.

 

At this point I don't think he's going to hurt himself. Now he's just bitching about how he didn't get laid this week.

 

He told me it's hard for him to keep friends. Gee, I wonder why? No wonder I'm practically his best friend.

 

Oh, and to answer your earlier question, I used to tell people I was sad because I wanted attention. I no longer really need or want attention. When I'm sad now, rare as it is, I prefer to be alone and just get through it.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi

 

I feel pretty good. He handled it well, and agreed with me. I didn't spare him anything. I was pretty blunt.

 

Awesome, glad to hear it:D And great that you let everything out.

 

He is seeking professional help, but he may need more of it. I don't know. At this point I don't think he's going to hurt himself. Now he's just bitching about how he didn't get laid this week.

 

Hehe Glad he's at least bitching about that instead of being/acting all hurt&depressed.

 

He told me it's hard for him to keep friends. Gee, I wonder why? No wonder I'm practically his best friend.

 

Glad to hear that he's aware of his problem(s).

 

 

Oh, and to answer your earlier question, I used to tell people I was sad because I wanted attention. I no longer really need or want attention. When I'm sad now, rare as it is, I prefer to be alone and just get through it.

 

Ah, I see. Great to see such self-awareness. I just hope that you don't go into the other extreme...

 

Best wishes, and hope you'll be enjoying your un-interrupted beauty sleep (not that you need it )

[Treasa]

You are such a charmer.

 

And yeah, I need a lot. Tons. I assure you of this.

 

What would the other extreme be?

[Calvin's wagon]

Well, it takes two to tango -> an awesome person like you brings out the best (charm) out of people For some reason this talk of beauty sleep reminded me (in a good way) of Cohen's "Dance me till the end of love"

 

What I meant was that I hope you haven't completely stopped sharing with your friends etc. when you're sad, i.e. that you still know you can share it with them as long as & in way that is healthy/functional within a friendship&other types of relationships.

 

I'm speaking from my experience, as someone who was in one extreme for a long time, i.e. for many years not showing any sign of real sadness to anyone, to going to the other extreme of showing my sadness in an unhealthy way/degree. Now I'm trying to find a balance and a healthy way of expressing my emotions, including sadness, with my friends.