I am really struggling and need .

[Lost in NYC]

Hello,

 

This is my first posting.

 

My marriage collapsed in October 2012. In May of 2012 I picked up my wifes phone in the middle of the night and found exteremly sexually graphic emails that had apparently been exchanged between her boss (who I had considered a friend) and her. I confronted her and she denied being the reciepient of the messages, she claimed that her boss had asked her to create an email for him to use so he could have an affair with someone else at the facility where they both work. Believe it or not I fell for this and decieded to believe her. Prior to finding this email my wife and I had been getting kinkier and wilder in the bedroom and from about summer 2011 until May 2012 we had the best sex of our marriage.

 

From the summer of 2011 until May 2012 we started playing with rough sex and in general being far more open and frequent with our sex life. So when I discovered these emails between her boss and her she was quick to point out how unlikely it was being how active we were sexually. She also stated the fact that he was of a different race to which I had never noticed her demonstrate any attraction and he is very over weight.

 

The sexual nature of the emails going on with her boss were moving into the BDSM realm, stuff like domination and spanking. So after 2 or 3 tough days where I was consumed with jealousy and our relationship was shaken I deceided to believe it wasnt her. I researched online ideas on how to train a submissive (which was the direction our sex life was going) and wrote a contract and presented to her. She was in her glory in all appearances. We lived a life from the end of May until September that was the happiest time of my life. We both kept journals that attest to the fact that we were in bliss. The intensity of our sex was incredible but even more importantly I never trusted and felt loved by another person the way I did during this period. It was like a pyromanic being allowed to play with gasoline and a lighter, I loved the lifesytle we enjoyed. I always loved my wife, but to see the pure satisfaction and passion she showed took our relationship to new levels I never thought possible or so it seemed.....

 

All through the summer she came home much earlier, we spent so much more time engaged with each other and doing all activities together. It was wonderful. In July we took vacation She was injured somewhat severerly it seemed during sex, I wont go into specifics (but nothing from being rough) and it scared me. For the next couple of weeks I was scared to be too aggressive becasue she might suffer. It affected both the frequency and intensity of our play. Additionally, our famliy joined us on vacation and with a number of them close by it was difficult to be as loud and wild as we had grown to enjoy.

 

After our vacation, my daughter who usually visited the entire summer refused to stay because she had grown uncomfortable with the sexulity that my wife and I were exhibiting. I held my ground and told her we are happy adults who dont exhibit anything other then what we did behind closed doors and that I would not change. I thought I was setting a loving example to my daughter of what a healthy relationship should be. That place strain on the relationship with my wife and my daughter and after that time they barely spoke again ever.

 

Once September came, my wifes son came home from spending a lot of time at his fathers house and again our routines and volume had to be restriced. We both also became burdened with stress at work. A new situation at my wifes job caused her responsibilites to shift and she came into close contact with a visitor in her company sent to help. The two of them worked closely together and developed a relationship that quickly became sexual. I did not know about her affair or the closeness of her new relationship at the time.

 

From my perspective, my wife suddenly seemed withdrawn and distant. She again started working late hours and when home would excuse herself for long cigarette breaks outside , frequently taking more then 30 mintutes when previously this had not been her habit. As our BDSM routines faltered I became increasingly withdrawn and sullen, almost like a pouting child. Where previously I had asserted dominace and been aggressive with my desires and wishes for her. now I almost waited for her to approach me or show the passion she did in the summer. I didnt know what was wrong but something clearly was.

 

During the layout of the contract I presented in May we established a number of fun routines and habits some of which were game like and some which gave great comfort to her and I, by mid September with me having to leave for work much earlier and her meeting this new man and developing feelings for him our routines were collapsing. I blamed it on the change in workloads and outside factors, I tried to explain that these routines and lifestyle was still new and I was inexperienced but could do better because I loved her and enjoyed the new experiences it all was bringing to me. She saw the whole thing as an indication of failure in me and that I would never be consistent at offering her what we had for only a few good months, she simply wanted more I believe.....

[Lost in NYC]

Through late September and early October we both began to ask each other for some time alone. We were both overwhelmed with stress at our jobs, her more so then me and combined with missing our newly discovered lifestyle it was a strain. One day , from my perspective she abruptly announced that she no longer wanted our lifestyle and that she saw it as a failure and was done. I was upset, i had entered into it originally to satisfy her desires better and had found myself happy. I believed we could grow and do better and originally saw this as a growth oppportuinty in our relationship, something we could communicate past and grow stronger from. I still had no idea another man was involved.

 

During October we began to fight alot, arguing and becoming distant. During the whole summer and for months prior we barely fought at all. October was miserable. Finally by the time of Hurricance Sandy my wife was required to stay at her job for 3 days. During the height and aftermath of the hurriace I barely heard from her. In fact all through October she would barely text me or call and when we did it was brief and abrupt. She claimed she was busy at work and that I was harassing her. Previously it had been our habit to call each other somewhat regularly throughout the day and to text even more frequently. Now it was one sided and I was overcompensating. I showed all the trademark behaviors of a person chasing. I called, texted,showed up to pick her up all the time, gave gifts, attention, tried to talk etc etc. All while she became more and more withdrawn and disgusted with me.

 

My birthday passed without even a card from her, and although we had the best sex in over a month on the night of my birthday I felt still that something wasnt right. Even with Hurricane Sandy and the effects of its aftermath, if my wife loved me like she had always shown she would have found a way to get me atleast a card, our relationship was dying or maybe even dead then.

 

I found text messages on her phone that were strange between her and the new man at her job. They seemed oddly personal and I began to suspect that their might be another man. I asked her repeatedly during arguements if there was someone else and she always denied it.

 

She told me "If you could stay with someone who doesnt feel the same way as you do about them you are welcome to stay with me". After trying as a desperate , pathetic shell of myself I realized I couldnt stay under those terms and moved out in mid November. I went to live at my parents home and thought it was temporary. I thought I was giving her space, she constantly asked me to back off and give her space yet I always pursued conversations and answers, while she was pulling away, I drove her away with my relentlessness. I was a man obsessed.

 

At that time I began to see a therapist. She , and almost everyone around me suspected that I didnt have the whole picture. i was convinced that my pursuit and shortcomings were the reason for my wifes behaviors. I blamed myself completly and totally believed in or rather wanted to believe that my wife was faithful while increasing evidence was showing that she was not.

 

Our wedding anniversary was Thanksgiving. I spent it writing her a letter appealing to our financial needs and emotional states. Although I had moved out of our apartment I continued to go there and "bother her'. I tried to talk all the time and was becoming worse and worse. I was rapidly losing weight and barely sleeping or eating. I began missing days at work and when I did work my performance was poor. We shared a car and when we exchanged it , it was my only chance to see her or interact.

 

She moved out of our apartment in late November, effectively abandoning all our things and leaving it to me to dispose of the items amd home that to me symbolize the life we had built together. After Thansgiving, and our anniversary not being ackknowledged by her I began to seriously suspect another man was involved. Eventually in Early December I planted a recording device in the car and captured a phone call exchanged between her and her new boyfriend.

 

MY WORLD WAS DESTROYED that day. I had believed she was faithful and desperately wanted this all to be my fault. I had faith that I could improve and win her love back and suddenly realized I had been betrayed by the person most dear to me. It felt like everything I knew was a lie. It was the worst moment of my life.

[Lost in NYC]

After that discovery I lashed out. I confronted her on the phone and she dismissed me. I went to her job and that was the cause of a bad scene in which we argued, I was nearly violent. I was told "you are irrelevant, I am a bad person and you just have to accept that, and I dont owe you any explanations." To say I was in shock was an understatement. I felt like I was dealing with a person I didnt know.

 

When I went home and reviewed our cell phone records I discovered thousands of text messages and hours of phone calls between her new lover and her. I called him, I texted him, I confronted him as her husband and demanded to know why he was interfering and messing up my marriage. He never replied. I called every number I didnt recognize.

 

For the next few days as I tried to speak with her with the question burning in me of "WHY". all I got was demands for our car. I had possension of it and would have shared it had I trusted her. I didnt trust her anymore, I had been lied to about practically every single thing for over 2 months with more lies to come. I thought if I shared the car at that point it would be the last I ever see of it.

 

Addtionally,I found her mother, my mother in law, complict in aiding her affair by evidence I could recognize in the phone records. My step son, who I raised and loved and who acted like he loved me until the day he moved out with his mom suddenly ignored me. He just suddenly treated me like I didnt exist. I texted him once daily for the next month until I was blocked from doing so. I bought him a Christmas gift and was never even acknowledged.

 

For the next few weeks it was a nightmare. The days leading up to and past Christmas were a nightmare. I had access to her Facebook and emails and I was tortured with going in her emails to read her daily "to do lists" where she outlines having a tatoo with my name removed, selling her ring, and making it her business to service her new boyfriend. It was horrible, yet I continued to do it. I was obsessed and crazy. However I avoided seeing her. For the next 2 months I never layed eyes on her.

 

I did continue to last out. I wrote a horrible letter to her job outlining her affairs with a few different men there. Some of it I could prove, some of it she had either destroyed evidence of or there was none. To this day , even though the evidence I saw is overwhelmigly convincing that she had an affair with her boss I refuse to believe it. That is the level of my denial.

 

I posted intimate pictures of her online. Previously during the summer she and I had joined an adult website and we had even gone as far as to post nude pictures of her, but I couldnt bring myself to do that. Instead I posted semi nude, slightly revealing pics of her in bikinis or lingere style outfits. These pics came to her attention and she went beserek. She demanded their removal. I left them at that time.

[Lost in NYC]

At the begining of February we began to reconcile. We started talking all the time, seeing each other and even dating. We had sex on a few occasions. This went on all through February and early March. She never indicated what she wanted. She always was reserved, distant, full of anxiety and indecison.

 

I was pushy, purusant, demanding, obsessive, overly attentive. If she did have any inclination of returning to me by behavior certainly did not allow it. I was in no shape to reconcile, I only wanted what I needed. I was no longer capable of seeing her needs. I just wanted my old life and hapiness back. I wanted back what never existed.

 

By mid March I was a mess. I was seeing her regualry in the mornings and talking or texting with her. It was very one sided. In texts I would write 1-3 paragraphs worth of messages and get one word replies if that.

I would get hung up on hundered of times in phone calles. However , occasionally I would get glimmers of hope.

 

She asked to go away with me, I drove her to the airport for a trip she had to go on and we had the first near normal day together in months. It was perfect. We didnt agrue, looked to the future. I was reserved and calm. I was sad yet looking forward to better times with her soon. It was a day that I will always look back on and aspire towards. I had one day where I was myself again for a little bit.

 

After that day however, her feelings shifted again and she loved her boyfriend. She lied and decieved me over and over again just like before.

 

I went again to her job to talk and we had a terrible arguement. As I was leaving her boyfriend confronted me and I attacked him. He was badly injured , needing operations and nearly dying. We were both arrested and held in jail for a day. She sided with him.

 

Since then she has an order of protection agaisnt me. My life is a mess. We are divorcing and during the few times I have seen her at various court appearances she is furious with me.

 

She blames me for the loss of presitige and position at her job and treats me like the worst enemy in her entire life.

 

Yes, I did terrible things. I hurt the person I loved in my life like no one I ever will and will always live with regrets and what ifs. I am tortured with the questions of "If i had conducted myself differently through this all would a different outcome have been possible?"

 

I am a shell of the person I thought I was. My belief in myself is shattered and I feel hopeless and lost. I had a love of a lifetime, someone who I thought I satisfied and adored me and who betrayed me in the fullest sense of the word. I dont believe anymore.

[GuyInLimbo]

Wow....that's one hell of a story.

 

I'd love to get into the mind of your STBX. Can't imagine having that much passion between two people and it just fizzling like that. Perhaps she's a sex addict?

 

As for you, you need a lot of therapy to get your emotions under control and with help through this very painful grieving process. I totally get your wild range of emotions, but all this stuff about showing up at her work (more than once, no less) is uncalled for. You can also get in a LOT of legal trouble by posting "revenge porn." And confronting the other people is never going to help your situation. Your WIFE is the one who made that decision. SHE is responsible (the other party is just as guilty, but what's the point?).

 

You're an emotional wreck and I get it. This woman sounds pretty f'ing evil for messing with you like that. We're here for you, man.

 

(PS: I don't understand this contract you talk about. Is that some sort of BDSM thing?)

[Lost in NYC]

Yes, The contract was a BDSM thing that outlined terms and requirements for our relationship. From late May 2012 until September she lived as a submissive , it was playful and led to great sex but also put amazing structure in our relaitonship that was missing for a long time.

 

We use to argue about small things like where to go out to eat. Not where to go as in she chose one place and I chose another, we would argue about who would choose. After it was established that I would be dominant in decisions it was amazingly content. She was by all appearances never happier.

 

When we were working on reconciling in February and March she briefly started seeing a therapist. I think she only lasted 2 sessions. The therapist brought up the part about sex addiciton, she shared that much with me. I am quite sure she is a sex addict, which makes it even more incredulous that she left me at a point where we were peaking. 13 years of healthy good sex and it was only getting better.

[worldgonewrong]

My guess is she probably woke up and (for her taste) found the whole BDSM/contract/submissive thing to be stifling.

[Lost in NYC]

She is the one that wanted it. I wanted her. The trappings of BDSM or contracts or whatever else were just secondary fun and benefits to what I really cared about which was her. I was along for the ride and was happy to explore her desires and wants because she was my partner and I loved her.

[Lost in NYC]

My guess is she probably woke up and (for her taste) found the whole BDSM/contract/submissive thing to be stifling.

 

What do you mean?

 

Why couldn't she have just said so then?

 

Why the other man and pretend that it was the BDSM failing that was the cause.

 

I discovered 5 affairs during our marriage when probing her emails in December. She has a long history of being unfaithful in relatinships. I hoped that I would help her overcome it when we were trying to reconcile.

 

I think she found facing herself and the real issues too difficult and chose the easy way out in chosing her new lover over me at the end and thus she is likely to keep repeating the same mistakes.

 

It is all such a waste and so sad when I willingly would have stuck by her side, even after knowing about all the lies and betrayal.

[zx14]

Your lucky this didn't go into a crime of passion with the boyfriend confronting you in front of her...when a man see's red it all over...there's nothing that will stop it.

 

She did some real bad things to string you along. Probably loved the attention of a man being a doormat all the while another one was engaged as well...a huge, huge ego boost. "look how many guys want me" stuff.

 

If you both had left her I wonder how she'd feel then?

 

If it makes you feel better I fell for a crazy one too and am regretting it...something about what its like to be around them you know? I think it's mostly not so good, but the things that are good are really good. It's sort of like being in a boat and there's no solid ground to step out on and if you do find some you know they can't come join you. They are just too chaotic for reality and sometimes too much fun...and thats the part you end up missing.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Ugh, what a nightmare of a story I'm so sorry. That's a ton of pain and rage and everything. You said you need. Anything specific or just support and advice? Or only the support?

[Lost in NYC]

Ugh' date=' what a nightmare of a story I'm so sorry. That's a ton of pain and rage and everything. You said you need. Anything specific or just support and advice? Or only the support?[/quote']

 

I need help. I am lost. I am sitting around at home withdrawn, barely working and a shell of a person. I am past the shock and acceptance has set in. I know what to do, I know there will be better days ahead, it is just that I am exhausted and spent and have given up right now.

[Lost in NYC]

When the fight broke out with her boyfriend a security guard from her job was escorting me out of the building (I was polite but she had asked me to leave a number of times prior.) Even with the guard intervening immediately the BF suffered life threatening injuries and nearly lost one eye. He needed surgeries. I know about crimes of passion, there is not a day that goes by that I don't regret my actions that night, they fully cost me and could have been so much worse. Had their not been someone stopping me he might have been killed.

 

I know she is to blame , but the man who stole her and lives with my son (step son but I raised him and he is mine in my eyes) , my pets, lives on furniture bought with our retirement money thought after all that he could come in my face gesturing and yelling he had another thing coming.

[Lost in NYC]

I don't have the full story because she either didn't tell me or she lies a lot but I think during the period where we started reconciling came her boyfriend had left her. I think she was briefly alone for maybe the first time in her life. That is probably why she missed me, I hate to think that, I would rather it be because of me but I am probably right.

[TailSpin75]

Hi Ken... (like other's) let me start with... wow.

 

I have read some of the other comments you have made in other threads... and I get a sense of desperation from you (which I can completely relate to) - to 'figure out' a means to get through this.

 

Obviously this woman meant a lot to you... and it's also clear that she's not who you thought she was. Speaking from experience... this is an amazingly difficult pill to swallow. One thing that many of us have in common here (particularly in the early stages) - is that we seem to be driven by emotions but where we seem to differ is to what extent... what level of 'action' those emotions will drive us to.

 

As you've no doubt heard (probably countless times by now)... time does help, but there's a caveat - you'll need that time away from her; little to no contact. We can't always help what we 'want' but we don't have to let it drive us (and in my opinion) this is where the rubber meets the road.

 

For me... it was so difficult to not reach out to her initially, to not 'see' or 'hear' things that I wanted to see and hear. Questions burned inside me with an intensity that threatened to purge the sanity from my mind. But I did not discuss these with her (we have two daughters 13 and 8 - if not for them I would be full no contact). In January - I had virtually no contact with her... in the months that followed I refused to interact with her in any fashion other than email. Probably around mid April our interactions evolved to texts and a few phone calls. So after about a third of a year - I found that I was able to be kind, cordial, and polite with her during every interaction... even friendly at times.

 

My approach is driven by reason - she's the mother of my children and we'll need to have some sort of relationship for their benefit as you no doubt understand. But for me - it's not the relationship I wanted with this woman and after nearly 6 months - it's proves to still be a struggle from time to time. It is, however, not nearly the same near death experience struggle that it was. As counter intuitive as it seemed - I realized that she is the poison and not the cure. That many (many) of the 'issues' I had to deal with regarding my emotions... were more about me than her. I believe that my 'disappointment' stems from the fact that she is not who I want her to be.

 

It's not an easy journey by any means... and it does take time... lots of time. The questions for me are still there - but they no longer burn inside me and their answers do not change the path that I'm on nor the progress that I make. A tough lesson I learned several weeks ago now when I though I was 'good enough' to have that talk - so she and I talked (for the first time in what seems like forever). It was a calm and non-emotional talk, but it donned on me quickly how different our experiences through this have been. She and I are never going to see eye-to-eye on this ending... but at this point I fully understand and accept that we don't have to. But let me tell you... I was a hot mess in the time that followed that talk a few weeks back.

 

With loss comes grief - the bigger the loss the more intense the grief. Grieving is a slow, long, and very painful experience and there's no way around it. Do the best you can my friend... but I believe time from her will allow the healing to progress.

[GuyInLimbo]

Yes, The contract was a BDSM thing that outlined terms and requirements for our relationship. From late May 2012 until September she lived as a submissive , it was playful and led to great sex but also put amazing structure in our relaitonship that was missing for a long time.

 

We use to argue about small things like where to go out to eat. Not where to go as in she chose one place and I chose another, we would argue about who would choose. After it was established that I would be dominant in decisions it was amazingly content. She was by all appearances never happier.

 

When we were working on reconciling in February and March she briefly started seeing a therapist. I think she only lasted 2 sessions. The therapist brought up the part about sex addiciton, she shared that much with me. I am quite sure she is a sex addict, which makes it even more incredulous that she left me at a point where we were peaking. 13 years of healthy good sex and it was only getting better.

 

I'm no expert, other than listening to a lot of Dr. Ruth when I was younger. But I don't think sex addiction has anything to do with frequency of sex with one person. I think the roots are a lot deeper.

[skyvixen]

Is she pursuing her BDSM proclivities with the new boyfriend?

 

How old are the children? Obviously, old enough to understand sexual behaviour, although I can't imagine having that type of dynamic so vividly out in the open so as it would damage a relationship with a child. That seems to be an odd choice, regardless of their ages. Maybe I misread.

 

There is something so intense about connecting sexually on that level which makes losing it all the more painful, IMHO.

 

Sorry it came to this.