Freaking out - Supposed to move in this weekend but having serious doubts

[tbf]

Just did, and I feel pretty good about the fear of commitment issue. I just hope she takes me back.

Can't decide whether you fear commitment or loss/abandonment more. This is one and the same issue.

[Phateless]

Next time, don't run when you have that "fear". Because running isn't the answer. 5 years is a long time together, don't lose that. Work things out.

 

People just give up so easily these days, relationships aren't ever easy. They are work. They are commitments. Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs, but it takes two strong people to throw their hands in the air and say, "WEEEEEE" ;p

 

I hope she'll take me back. I put her through a lot...

 

Can't decide whether you fear commitment or loss/abandonment more. This is one and the same issue.

 

You're right, and I think I fear loss/abandonment more.

[youngnlove89]

Can't decide whether you fear commitment or loss/abandonment more. This is one and the same issue.

 

I think both intertwine. His fear of commitment is brought on by the cruel fear of being abandoned or losing her. AKA self esteem issues.

[tbf]

I think both intertwine. His fear of commitment is brought on by the cruel fear of being abandoned or losing her. AKA self esteem issues.

I just said that, hence one and the same issue.

[youngnlove89]

I just said that, hence one and the same issue.

 

I read it wrong. Oops

[Fugu]

Thanks, I'm sure I will be ok someday, but I don't feel like it right now. She was crushed, told me I broke her heart, and before she left told me I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I genuinely feel like she's right, even though I know in my gut that this was the only choice.

 

I made the mistake of checking her facebook and her status was "the worst part of losing your best friend/love of your life is that it doesn't kill you." or something like that. Frankly, I feel the exact same way right now.

 

Ugh...

 

It's tough, man. Anyone who thinks that breaking up is easy for the one does the breaking doesn't know what they're talking about - it's just as hard, and in one sense, it's probably harder. People invest feelings in these relationships. There are the memories. It's all just raw right now.

 

Time will heal these wounds, for you and for her. It's hard to see that right now, though. Take it one day at a time.

[Fugu]

All day all I could think about was how I wished I was with her and the dog, cuddled up on the couch, how we were supposed to be. Why didn't I just move in and try it out?? There's only 4 months left on her lease, that's the perfect trial. Now I'm facing today, very scared that it's too late to go back. I do love her, I do miss her, and I do want to be with her. If we both want to be together, how can being apart be the right choice?

 

We had put in so much work lately and come so far along that I really think we could have made it work. Ugh...

 

Now I'm feeling like I really made a mistake and want to be with her. I'm talking with my therapist today about feat of commitment. But when with her I remember feeling claustrophobic and not feeling into it.

 

Is it simple fear of commitment and nothing more??

 

I don't know if it's fear of commitment - only you can answer that. Maybe it is, but if it is, then you're doing her a favor, even if that favor is a bit later than it should have been.

 

You've got to stop with this 'Did I make a mistake?' Type of thinking. You tried it out for five years and this is where the relationship is at. I think the best thing you can do for her is to give her some closure. If she asks questions, tell her the truth, but make sure you know what the truth is before you tell her. If you're at fault, if you're a commitmentphobe then tell her - and let her scream her head off at you for a good minute if it makes her feel better.

 

You kinda remind me of me a little bit. You're basically a nice guy, and you want to end this 'nicely'. But there's no nice way to do it, and strangely enough, if you drag this out like this, you're going to end up being a far bigger @sshole than you would have been than if you would have just been straight up and said 'I'm not feeling this. I gotta just be real and say it right here and now.' I know you have no bad intentions - I've been there. But the reality is, not having bad intentions means nothing. You gotta man up and own this.

 

All that aside, best of luck. Don't date for a while until you can figure out what you want. I've done that and it creates even more problems than the ones you've already got.

[Nyla]

Commitment problems are only an issue if this has been a pattern in your relationships.

 

Otherwise, it appears that your gut was trying to tell you something and you rightfully paid attention.