Freaking out - Supposed to move in this weekend but having serious doubts

May 31, 2013

Please spare your flaming, I don't have time for that. I'm feeling all sorts of anxious, pressured, and desperate right now. I'm seriously considering calling it off because I just can't go through with moving in.

We've been together 5 years and it's been tumultuous. Things are much better now than they used to be, but still challenging. I've been in individual therapy for much of this time, she started going maybe a year ago, if that.

My doubts are around long-term commitment and feeling pressured into this. She's hoping that I'll want to propose in a year, but I feel like I know my feelings and I doubt that's going to happen. I think on many levels it would be nice to live with her, but my mind is always racing and looking for the exit strategy as a backup. I feel very suffocated by this whole thing, and it feels like it's moving too fast, which is ridiculous considering she's been pushing hard for this since only a few months into the beginning of the relationship.

It doesn't help that her place is a tiny loft and I'll have no room for any of my stuff, having to put it all in storage. I feel like all my stuff is being taken away from me and I'm losing my room, which is my little sanctuary. To boot, I live 10 mins from my office and she lives 30 mins away.

I've been struggling with the decision to stay with her or break it off for years now, and on some level I think I'm moving in with her to try it out and make her happy, which in my heads means that if it doesn't work out we gave it our best shot. But then I figure that if I'm already feeling this way now, then I shouldn't move in because in the back of my head I'm already making plans to move out again.

Help...?

May 31, 2013

Hi Phate! Good to see you; wish it was under better circumstances.

I think you need to break up with her. You've had good times for sure, but you've had serious doubts about the longevity of this relationship for pretty much the duration of it.

In retrospect, my ex (Skiman) felt the same way. We dated for about two years, and I'd been staying at his house for literally a year straight, but kept my apartment, when we decided I'd move in with him.

He broke up with me literally days before I was supposed to move in. I was stunned, and I know it was very, very hard for him. He'd thought long and hard about it, but had kept his thoughts to himself, hoping it would all turn around. But he had the wherewithal to know it wasn't going to... And I understand now that he felt exactly the way you do now.

And I was THE BEST thing he could have done, for both of us. He's living happily ever after now, and while I'm still single, I'm ten times happier now than I was back then.

Best of luck!

May 31, 2013

Please spare your flaming, I don't have time for that. I'm feeling all sorts of anxious, pressured, and desperate right now. I'm seriously considering calling it off because I just can't go through with moving in.

We've been together 5 years and it's been tumultuous. Things are much better now than they used to be, but still challenging. I've been in individual therapy for much of this time, she started going maybe a year ago, if that.

My doubts are around long-term commitment and feeling pressured into this. She's hoping that I'll want to propose in a year, but I feel like I know my feelings and I doubt that's going to happen. I think on many levels it would be nice to live with her, but my mind is always racing and looking for the exit strategy as a backup. I feel very suffocated by this whole thing, and it feels like it's moving too fast, which is ridiculous considering she's been pushing hard for this since only a few months into the beginning of the relationship.

It doesn't help that her place is a tiny loft and I'll have no room for any of my stuff, having to put it all in storage. I feel like all my stuff is being taken away from me and I'm losing my room, which is my little sanctuary. To boot, I live 10 mins from my office and she lives 30 mins away.

I've been struggling with the decision to stay with her or break it off for years now, and on some level I think I'm moving in with her to try it out and make her happy, which in my heads means that if it doesn't work out we gave it our best shot. But then I figure that if I'm already feeling this way now, then I shouldn't move in because in the back of my head I'm already making plans to move out again.

Help...?

How old are you, Phateless?

Honestly, barring someone in their early twenties or younger, I can't see how moving in together after 5 years is 'moving too fast'. Either you feel this R isn't right for you, or there are other reasons. If you feel this R isn't right for you, perhaps best to cut the cord rather than stringing her along? 5 years is a long time to struggle with the decision to stay or go, and she clearly wants a deeper commitment than you are willing to give to your R.

May 31, 2013

Honestly, barring someone in their early twenties or younger, I can't see how moving in together after 5 years is 'moving too fast'.

Have to agree, I laughed when I saw "5 years together" and "moving too fast" describing the same relationship.

Forget living arrangements, why would you stay for 5 years in an unsatisfying and tumultuous relationship? Especially considering that her goal of marriage - sooner rather than later - is clearly out of sync with your wants. Seems to me you've been less than fair and honest with her...

Mr. Lucky

June 1, 2013

Hi Phate! Good to see you; wish it was under better circumstances.

I think you need to break up with her. You've had good times for sure, but you've had serious doubts about the longevity of this relationship for pretty much the duration of it.

In retrospect, my ex (Skiman) felt the same way. We dated for about two years, and I'd been staying at his house for literally a year straight, but kept my apartment, when we decided I'd move in with him.

He broke up with me literally days before I was supposed to move in. I was stunned, and I know it was very, very hard for him. He'd thought long and hard about it, but had kept his thoughts to himself, hoping it would all turn around. But he had the wherewithal to know it wasn't going to... And I understand now that he felt exactly the way you do now.

And I was THE BEST thing he could have done, for both of us. He's living happily ever after now, and while I'm still single, I'm ten times happier now than I was back then.

Best of luck!

Thanks SG, that's really helpful to hear! Scary, but helpful.

How old are you, Phateless?

Honestly, barring someone in their early twenties or younger, I can't see how moving in together after 5 years is 'moving too fast'. Either you feel this R isn't right for you, or there are other reasons. If you feel this R isn't right for you, perhaps best to cut the cord rather than stringing her along? 5 years is a long time to struggle with the decision to stay or go, and she clearly wants a deeper commitment than you are willing to give to your R.

I'm 32, and this is my second real relationship. The previous relationship lasted 4.5 years.

Have to agree, I laughed when I saw "5 years together" and "moving too fast" describing the same relationship.

Forget living arrangements, why would you stay for 5 years in an unsatisfying and tumultuous relationship? Especially considering that her goal of marriage - sooner rather than later - is clearly out of sync with your wants. Seems to me you've been less than fair and honest with her...

Mr. Lucky

I said it feels like it's moving too fast, but that's just because I feel so much pressure. She's been pressuring me to move in since 3 months into the relationship.

I stayed because of how much I cared about her and I always thought if we could work out the fighting then it would go back to being amazing. Now I just feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do or how to make a decision.

I feel nauseous, like I'm having a panic/anxiety attack.

June 1, 2013

I know you care about her; nobody stays 5 years with someone they don't care about. Unfortunately, as you well know, that in itself is not sufficient grounds to base a relationship upon.

I strongly suggest an open, very honest discussion with her. Lay down your fears and concerns about the R, and especially the fact that you don't see yourself wanting to move in or marrying her any time in the foreseeable future. If you both choose to remain together after that, at least you are both making a much more informed decision than you were previously.

June 1, 2013

Now I just feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do or how to make a decision.

I feel nauseous, like I'm having a panic/anxiety attack.

Are your doubts about her? Do you question her honesty, how much she cares about you or whether she'd remain faithful? Any specific concerns about her suitability as a partner?

Mr. Lucky

June 1, 2013

I know you care about her; nobody stays 5 years with someone they don't care about. Unfortunately, as you well know, that in itself is not sufficient grounds to base a relationship upon.

I strongly suggest an open, very honest discussion with her. Lay down your fears and concerns about the R, and especially the fact that you don't see yourself wanting to move in or marrying her any time in the foreseeable future. If you both choose to remain together after that, at least you are both making a much more informed decision than you were previously.

Thanks. We've had several of those talks in the past week, and they help a lot. She's convinced I'll be ready to get engaged in a year after living together, but I feel that's less likely. She still wants me to move in and find out. I'm apprehensive.

Are your doubts about her? Do you question her honesty, how much she cares about you or whether she'd remain faithful? Any specific concerns about her suitability as a partner?

Mr. Lucky

I don't question her honesty or fidelity, but from experience I do question other things, such as her follow-through when we make agreements, her ability to stay calm and communicate productively when we fight (she gets overly worked up and escalates, while I prefer to stay calm and just problem-solve), and her money management worries me a bit.

Mostly I just feel like I would get too claustrophobic, living with her. That really answers my question right there, doesn't it...

Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted.

June 1, 2013

Thanks. We've had several of those talks in the past week, and they help a lot. She's convinced I'll be ready to get engaged in a year after living together, but I feel that's less likely. She still wants me to move in and find out. I'm apprehensive.

Wait. So you've TOLD her you don't think you're going to propose in the foreseeable future, and you're not sure if you even want to move in with her, but she's convinced you will?

Well, in that case you're waived of all blame, then, regardless of what you choose to do. However, I honestly don't think it's a good idea for you to waste your time in a R that you're questioning so much - it's one thing to have a tumultuous few months and recover from it, but the fact that your problems have lasted years (presumably the majority of the R itself)... that's not a great prognosis for a lifelong R.

June 1, 2013

Wait. So you've TOLD her you don't think you're going to propose in the foreseeable future, and you're not sure if you even want to move in with her, but she's convinced you will?

Well, in that case you're waived of all blame, then, regardless of what you choose to do. However, I honestly don't think it's a good idea for you to waste your time in a R that you're questioning so much - it's one thing to have a tumultuous few months and recover from it, but the fact that your problems have lasted years (presumably the majority of the R itself)... that's not a great prognosis for a lifelong R.

Yes, I told her this because I'm freaking out and trying to be fair to her. I also don't want to set us up for failure and have us end up in the exact same place a year later when she wants me to propose and I'm not ready.

I honestly don't know. Perhaps things will go amazingly well and I'll feel differently in a year? I genuinely love her and care about her, but for whatever reason of my emotional baggage, I'm a very slow mover when it comes to long-term commitments.

Edited June 1, 2013 by Phateless

June 1, 2013

Yes, I told her this because I'm freaking out and trying to be fair to her. I also don't want to set us up for failure and have us end up in the exact same place a year later when she wants me to propose and I'm not ready.

I honestly don't know. Perhaps things will go amazingly well and I'll feel differently in a year? I genuinely love her and care about her, but for whatever reason of my emotional baggage, I'm a very slow mover when it comes to long-term commitments.

Let me tell you from firsthand experience: your gut is often much more right about things than you give it credit for.

I remember feeling similar to what you've described in my first serious relationship about 12 1/2 years ago. Our relationship was not as long and we hadn't built up quite the drama, but the circumstances are nevertheless eerily similar. I remember that I had already made a decision to move three states to be with her (we were in an LDR but had seen each other regularly enough to know each other quite well). Then, a few weeks after I made the decision, we had a series of disagreements, and I remember feeling as though she was trying to take control of the relationship, and that she was somehow subconsciously gaining a sense of having an advantage in the relationship. There were other issues, too, but I just remember walking into my closet one afternoon after one of our arguments. I was going through some things and getting ready to start boxing up for the move. As I started opening boxes, I just remember asking myself "Is this going to work - really?" And I answered it by saying "Things will hopefully just work out - hopefully."

Hopefully literally means full of hope. But more often than not, when 'hopefully' enters our minds, we're anything but that. We're whistling in the dark. I am not going to tell you what to do or not do - I don't have enough information to make that decision for you. It wouldn't be right anyway. I can only advise you to listen to your gut on this one. It's often telling you things that your brain and heart try to censor. Acknowledging that something might not work is extremely difficult. It could mean coming to a point of finality, of knowing that someone may not be ideal for us, and accepting that inevitably points toward closing the door on someone we care about, even if we know that they may not be the 'right' one. It's hard.

Having said all that, I don't really regret moving and trying it out for myself. There's something to be said for doing it actually. I at least now know with absolute certainty that we never were going to work out. Who knows, if I hadn't gone through with it and disobeyed my gut, maybe I'd still be wondering if I quit on something too early, and maybe I'd be eaten with guilt. I have none of that now. That's why I say, I can't tell you what to do; I can only tell you to listen to what your instincts are telling you and make a decision after taking everything into consideration.

Good luck.

June 2, 2013

Mostly I just feel like I would get too claustrophobic, living with her. That really answers my question right there, doesn't it...

Yes it does. If it were right, you'd know it. Instinctively, subconsciously, undoubtedly. True love, the kind you build a marriage on, isn't this hard...

Mr. Lucky

June 2, 2013

I just broke it off. I feel dizzy...

June 3, 2013

I answered in the other thread, but this is obviously the more appropriate place to discuss this. So let me repeat:

Big hugs to you, dude. You'll be okay.

How did she take it?

June 3, 2013

You did the right thing. On the other hand I moved in with my current GF who I only knew for 6 months. However, that was a different story as we are both somewhat cooler-headed people (Only have had 2 moderate arguments 1 year into the relationship, I'd say that's a global record). It really depends on your personalities. Highly emotional people should not move in together quickly. If you are both very volatile you need time to measure how big you can blow, and if the other person can handle the biggest explosion you can generate or not.

Probably a big ask, but please do not interpret that last sentence in a sexual way as that was not the intention!

June 3, 2013

I answered in the other thread, but this is obviously the more appropriate place to discuss this. So let me repeat:

Big hugs to you, dude. You'll be okay.

How did she take it?

Thanks, I'm sure I will be ok someday, but I don't feel like it right now. She was crushed, told me I broke her heart, and before she left told me I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I genuinely feel like she's right, even though I know in my gut that this was the only choice.

I made the mistake of checking her facebook and her status was "the worst part of losing your best friend/love of your life is that it doesn't kill you." or something like that. Frankly, I feel the exact same way right now.

Ugh...

June 3, 2013

I'm really sorry for you, Phateless...

But I hope you know deep down it was the right thing; if you honestly didn't see yourself marrying her, than continuing the relationship and giving her hope would have only made it harder down the line.

Big hugs.

June 3, 2013

Just wanted to chime in and say that I've been reading your recent threads and it sounds like it was the right move to end the relationship. I know it's hard when you have invested a lot of time and effort, only to see it seemingly come to "nothing." But it wasn't nothing, and you learned and grew as a person, and if not now then perhaps with the passage of time the full reasons for why it needed to end will become clear. Know that it took a lot of strength and courage to do what you did, and ultimately she will thank you for not agreeing to move in when your heart was not 100% in it.

Hang in there.

June 3, 2013

Yesterday was up and down and by the end of the night I felt surprisingly ok, even cautiously optimistic... until she texted me, driving the guilt in deeper, asking me why, reminding me that she'll never forgive me, etc.

All day all I could think about was how I wished I was with her and the dog, cuddled up on the couch, how we were supposed to be. Why didn't I just move in and try it out?? There's only 4 months left on her lease, that's the perfect trial. Now I'm facing today, very scared that it's too late to go back. I do love her, I do miss her, and I do want to be with her. If we both want to be together, how can being apart be the right choice?

We had put in so much work lately and come so far along that I really think we could have made it work. Ugh...

Now I'm feeling like I really made a mistake and want to be with her. I'm talking with my therapist today about feat of commitment. But when with her I remember feeling claustrophobic and not feeling into it.

Is it simple fear of commitment and nothing more??

June 3, 2013

Fear of commitment might be a part of it, and if you recognize this as part of your pattern then it's good that you are working with a therapist, as only guided introspection over an extended period of time will unravel an ingrained tendency to dissociate from intimacy.

But if, after five years of being together, the prospect of living together makes you fearful and panicked rather than happy and anticipating even more meaningful times together, something in the relationship is not working. It could be merely a timing thing--one or both of you is just not ready to live with a partner, whomever that partner may be--or it could be compatibility issues that no amount of counseling and discussion could "fix"; or it could be communication issues, where you both need to learn how to productively state your needs in a way the other can understand, and listen to the others' needs without being defensive or passing judgment. If it's the latter, then maybe in time, with work on yourself, you can become better at navigating the kind of dynamics that were in this relationship, or navigating the dynamics of a different, perhaps better relationship.

But you made a decision; you made it for a reason and with good evidence that it was the right decision; so just let it lie for now while your emotions settle and explore everything you're feeling with your therapist. This could be a wonderful period of growth and self-discovery for you, now that you have freed yourself of something that for many reasons generated so much ambivalence for you.

June 3, 2013

Please spare your flaming, I don't have time for that. I'm feeling all sorts of anxious, pressured, and desperate right now. I'm seriously considering calling it off because I just can't go through with moving in.

We've been together 5 years and it's been tumultuous. Things are much better now than they used to be, but still challenging. I've been in individual therapy for much of this time, she started going maybe a year ago, if that.

My doubts are around long-term commitment and feeling pressured into this. She's hoping that I'll want to propose in a year, but I feel like I know my feelings and I doubt that's going to happen. I think on many levels it would be nice to live with her, but my mind is always racing and looking for the exit strategy as a backup. I feel very suffocated by this whole thing, and it feels like it's moving too fast, which is ridiculous considering she's been pushing hard for this since only a few months into the beginning of the relationship.

It doesn't help that her place is a tiny loft and I'll have no room for any of my stuff, having to put it all in storage. I feel like all my stuff is being taken away from me and I'm losing my room, which is my little sanctuary. To boot, I live 10 mins from my office and she lives 30 mins away.

I've been struggling with the decision to stay with her or break it off for years now, and on some level I think I'm moving in with her to try it out and make her happy, which in my heads means that if it doesn't work out we gave it our best shot. But then I figure that if I'm already feeling this way now, then I shouldn't move in because in the back of my head I'm already making plans to move out again.

Help...?

Stop your struggling and stressing. Just be a big man and tell her "I've changed my mind and will not be moving in with you". Do it now not later.

June 3, 2013

Yesterday was up and down and by the end of the night I felt surprisingly ok, even cautiously optimistic... until she texted me, driving the guilt in deeper, asking me why, reminding me that she'll never forgive me, etc.

All day all I could think about was how I wished I was with her and the dog, cuddled up on the couch, how we were supposed to be. Why didn't I just move in and try it out?? There's only 4 months left on her lease, that's the perfect trial. Now I'm facing today, very scared that it's too late to go back. I do love her, I do miss her, and I do want to be with her. If we both want to be together, how can being apart be the right choice?

We had put in so much work lately and come so far along that I really think we could have made it work. Ugh...

Now I'm feeling like I really made a mistake and want to be with her. I'm talking with my therapist today about feat of commitment. But when with her I remember feeling claustrophobic and not feeling into it.

Is it simple fear of commitment and nothing more??

Your feelings are normal.

But no, I don't think it's just "simple fear of commitment and nothing more." You have a fear of committing to someone you're fundamentally incompatible with; and you are fundamentally incompatible with her. You'd have to have a completely different personality (a complete doormat) to have his relationship survive.

Please, speak with your therapist about what's been going on and the decision you made, and see whether s/he thinks that it was in your best interest to move on.

June 3, 2013

Yesterday was up and down and by the end of the night I felt surprisingly ok, even cautiously optimistic... until she texted me, driving the guilt in deeper, asking me why, reminding me that she'll never forgive me, etc.

All day all I could think about was how I wished I was with her and the dog, cuddled up on the couch, how we were supposed to be. Why didn't I just move in and try it out?? There's only 4 months left on her lease, that's the perfect trial. Now I'm facing today, very scared that it's too late to go back. I do love her, I do miss her, and I do want to be with her. If we both want to be together, how can being apart be the right choice?

We had put in so much work lately and come so far along that I really think we could have made it work. Ugh...

Now I'm feeling like I really made a mistake and want to be with her. I'm talking with my therapist today about feat of commitment. But when with her I remember feeling claustrophobic and not feeling into it.

Is it simple fear of commitment and nothing more??

I've just read a ton of your threads from years ago. I've boiled it down to fear of commitment. Talk to your therapist. Please don't just base your decision off of what people say on here. Get advice from all angles, but in the end, do what makes YOU happy.

Please.

June 3, 2013

I've just read a ton of your threads from years ago. I've boiled it down to fear of commitment. Talk to your therapist. Please don't just base your decision off of what people say on here. Get advice from all angles, but in the end, do what makes YOU happy.

Please.

Just did, and I feel pretty good about the fear of commitment issue. I just hope she takes me back.

June 3, 2013

Just did, and I feel pretty good about the fear of commitment issue. I just hope she takes me back.

Next time, don't run when you have that "fear". Because running isn't the answer. 5 years is a long time together, don't lose that. Work things out.

People just give up so easily these days, relationships aren't ever easy. They are work. They are commitments. Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs, but it takes two strong people to throw their hands in the air and say, "WEEEEEE" ;p

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