gf cheated me with her Ex, confesed, split,went back to him, i feel responsible

[carnut]

Hello everyone, really would like some advice on what to do in my current situation that may sound complex. I hope this is in the right forum.

 

been with her for 6 years now, relationship naturally slowed down. I stopped caring about us. We never go out, we both work from home so we are together 24/7/365. Now we live in her parents extra house.

 

Recently I went away for 3 weeks (longest we've been apart) for work. She kept bugging me to come home allready because she was horny, lol. Even said she would leave me if didn't show up in 2 days but I just simply could not, then towards the end of the 3 weeks she called and told me not to worry because she was gonna go visit an ill uncle(never heard of this uncle)up North so she left the house.

 

I got home at the end of those 3 weeks and had to wait another week before she came back home. Spent that week pissed cause she was very hard to get a hold of. SHe finally made it home and immediatly I started asking questions about her supposed ill uncle, who is he and do you have any proof you where there? With no answer the topic turned to her possibly cheating. This is when she slowly confessed that Yes, her Ex had bought her a plane ticket to go there. I know she has been in contact with him as a "friend" for some time now but I try not to bring it up cause nothing has happened so I wasn't all too surprised. THey were once a couple, then became **** buddies, then I came into the picture.

 

This night was rough, she claimed no sex, only kissing. I was pissed but damn did I miss her and could only think of sex and sort this out later because "low and behold" I had to leave town again the next morning. that night while she slept I read her phone text log and confirmed all that had happened. I left that morning without saying goodbye cause I had a feeling this was gonna be "it" for me.

 

While away for 1 week again she was calling and begging me to come home or she would leave me.

 

her: please come home i'm begging you

me: I cant yet

her: if you dont I will leave you

me. you cheated on me once, i'm not gonna do what you ask right now

her: but what about us?

me: it's up to you, sounds like you made the choice allready so if your happier over there then go ahead and good luck.

Her: Ok i'm leaving......... i'm soo sorry about this, soo sorry

me: thats new..........goodbye

 

I get home this Sunday and naturally i'm all kinds of Sad because she left. First 2 days I fought tears then I started to realize that I could have avoided all this if I had come home sooner. But now I feel this was innevitably gonna happen anyways. Tuesday I called her.........

 

ME: i'm sorry

HER: why, it's not you it's me

ME: but i'm sorry I left for so long

HER: it's ok but look, you know we havent been much of a couple for a while now, this just sorta happened. Dont worry, I will move out and you can stay in my parents house, I feel bad.

ME: yes I know we have grown apart, and at this point I just want you to be happy if that's what your after

HER: I can be happy but this isn't easy for me either

ME: if he can offer more then I can then so be it

HER: this didn't have to happen, I can come back, just forgive me. But i'm confused right now and need some time and in the meantime feel free to do what you want, I mean it.

ME: I'm not a hypocrite, and in the meantime your still with him in his house, i dont know what to say but we shall see then. Goodbye

 

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So there's the story if any of you bothered to read it. We have been in a lame relation ship for years now. This Ex has always been looking for her and now thanks to Facebook. I live in her house and i'm allowed to stay. She sais she needs time but it's allreay been 5 days since her 2nd visit to him. Is she weighing her options or riding this as long as she can till she cant keep it a secret from the rest of the world because people will start looking for her soon. If we do get back together, I will learn from all this be more involved in our relation ship.

Edited May 31, 2013 by carnut

[Emilia]

been with her for 6 years now, relationship naturally slowed down. I stopped caring about us. We never go out, we both work from home so we are together 24/7/365. Now we live in her parents extra house.

 

Recently I went away for 3 weeks (longest we've been apart) for work. She kept bugging me to come home allready because she was horny, lol. Even said she would leave me if didn't show up in 2 days but I just simply could not,

Welcome to LS

 

Why do you think such a simple thing as a 3-week work trip got her this annoyed? Was it necessary for you to be away for this long? Why do you think after being together for 6 years she kicked up such a fuss that she threatened to leave?

[carnut]

Well thanks for reading my long post, didn't think anybody would. I was away for 3 weeks but originally was only to be 1 or 2 and that has been my normal time away. She always waited patiently before.

 

my honest opinion is that she was bored out of her mind. She doesn't like to go out much with me so I spent more time with my hobbies and then I stopped asking her at all. We have a mutual understanding that we have been just a live in couple for a while now. But agreed never to cheat.

 

But this Ex of hers played his cards well, kept in contact with her and from the sound of it was looking for a shoulder to cry on about his own relationship problems. I guess while I was away, it was mentioned and then the conversation turned.

 

WHere I f'd up bad was not calling her on her b-day which was about a week before this all started. Then not showing up when she wanted me there. Also I failed to pick her up on time (5-10min late) at the bus station the day she came home and confessed she was really with him for the 1 week and not with the uncle. She claims me showing up late was the last straw. I know for a fact that if I had picked her up late in the past at a different point in our life, she would not give a damn but this time she was grading me on everything............was it his influence?

Edited May 31, 2013 by carnut

[carnut]

i'm fairly certain right now she is prolly thinking of me but also thinking of staying there start something new. I know that she's embarrased to let her family know although she told several of her close friends who all support her.

 

THis other guy knows that I always respected our relationship fully so i'm glad he cant use that against me. I dont know when to expect a phone or text from her but I mentioned to her allready..............the longer I have to wait then the more i'll get used to the idea of not having her. It may be 2day but i doubt it, now with this weekend starting I dont expect anything till next week and that's gonna kill me cause I dont want to have to call her anymore. I asked her to email me her thoughts and have gotten nothing.

[Emilia]

It sounds like your relationships should have ended sooner.

[Almond_Joy]

She was wrong for leaving the way she did, but you two had both checked out a long time ago. If you two really wanted this to be a relationship you would have worked on the problems before it got to this point.

 

Maybe in the long run you will both be happier this way. And IMO if you two agreed not to cheat and she cheated then she's shown she can't be trusted.

[KathyM]

I think this relationship has run its course. She is still hung up on the ex, and now there's cheating in the equation to come between you. Time to move on, move out of her parents house, and learn from this. You have to keep investing in a relationship emotionally to keep it healthy. It will deteriorate if you neglect it, or if you take it for granted. And next time, if you are supposedly exclusive with a woman, then one rule in the relationship should be, no contact with exes. They are a threat to the relationship, and should have no reason to be contacting your SO. You need to protect your relationship by having boundaries that you both respect.

[therhythm]

Ok, let me understand this...

 

So your girlfriend cheated on you, she left you for her ex and you feel responsible?

 

Hell you should be happy she is not in your life anymore, she is wicked!

 

Move on and try to work in yourself, with the time you will find someone who will respect you!

[carnut]

If you two really wanted this to be a relationship you would have worked on the problems before it got to this point.

I wish we had but she has always been the type not to talk too much about it, I never understood why she didn't want to try and improve on us, all I know is if I mentioned going somewhere she would just say "oh i've allready done that before".

[carnut]

move out of her parents house. And next time, if you are supposedly exclusive with a woman, then one rule in the relationship should be, no contact with exes. They are a threat to the relationship, and should have no reason to be contacting your SO.

 

Wish it were easy for me to get up and go, i'm quite a bit invested in this place but it can happen if i try.

 

And I wish she had listened to me when I asked in the past to cut her contact with the guy. She always just said "what's the harm, I have a lot of friends", always had her secretive side i guess.

[carnut]

Hell you should be happy she is not in your life anymore, she is wicked!

 

Move on and try to work in yourself, with the time you will find someone who will respect you!

 

I want to be able to move on, day by day i'm taking it obviously. Am I stupid for wanting to know what this guy ultimately has to offer that I dont? Better sex, more fun, easier on the eyes? She doesn't want kids for sure and she's financially stable on her own so I feel that it's just lust.

[carnut]

It sounds like your relationships should have ended sooner.

 

what's really obvious is that up until this place of hers we live in now I have always been the "head of houshold" if you will. Now I'm like the renter and ever since, her attitude started to change. More then a few times after a fight she would very calmly say "why dont you just leave, go ahead" but then she would warm up to me and forget about the whole thing. Made me feel reliant on her.

 

But I stayed here for my benefit to be honest and that's the only selfish thing i've done up to this point.

Edited May 31, 2013 by carnut

[ffw]

Ayee...had to shake my head while reading this post. Let me answer with some more questions. Hope it make sense to you.

 

OP, she cheated on you & you are feeling sorry? What are sorry for? Let me get this straight. If she's feeling horny & you are not around, she is to jump on the 1st guy who can give her sex? You don't think something is wrong with this picture?

 

Your last conversation with her is just plain pathetic. She needs more time to figure things out & you can whatever you want meanwhile. Is this what you hope for in a relationship? She's giving excuses for her past behaviour as well as what's going to happen in the future.

 

OP, stop being a doormat. Have some self respect, integrity & leave her house. She even told to do this. What are you waiting for?

 

GL.

[therhythm]

I want to be able to move on, day by day i'm taking it obviously. Am I stupid for wanting to know what this guy ultimately has to offer that I dont? Better sex, more fun, easier on the eyes? She doesn't want kids for sure and she's financially stable on her own so I feel that it's just lust.

 

Who cares what has he to offer? You should care about yourself, work in your self esteem and in your confidence and life will show you the way!

Just try to go NC with you ex, as long as you have contact with her you won't be able to move on!

[carnut]

Thanks everyone for expressing your thoughts and I want you to know that I will make the right decision in the end. BUt you must forgive me for prolonging this drama as I had another talk with her early today. I have been foolishly keeping hope.

 

Much was said and some stuff was made clear to me about their living details. Needless to say I was pissed and she stopped answering the phone. I started thinking about getting some sort of revenge on her. She had the audacity to tell some of her close friends about what's going on and make me look like a pathetic fool that I have been these past couple weeks or longer? Funny she said most of her friends dont support her decission becaue they know me well.

 

I could take easy revenge and tell everyone she knows and her family 1 person at a time. If I did this then she would be scolded by everyone. Also I know where "HE" works and his first name, and how he looked like 15 years ago. But there is only 1 thing holding me back..............she has a potential health problem. been smoking for 20 years and for 1 year now has had noticable coughing problems. I know exactly what this leads to and so does she but it's something she definately doesnt like to talk about.

 

In todays convo with her I told her the specific reason why I let her leave me so easily when she threatened to do so. I said that I red a text on her phone that said she had cancer and was having fun because of it. I told her that..... at that pivotal moment I knew it would be better to let her go and let her be happy for her remaining days doing what she wanted to do. At this point I also asked her if she thought "HE" would make the same decision and to my unsurprise she said NO!

 

I dont know if I love her now or when it stopped if ever, what do you all think? I want this to have never happened, I want her back yesterday and not next week or whenever she's "ready". I would strive to change things and learn from this. Also even though she denies the cancer we both quietly believe she may only have a few more years before the innevitable happens and I can only imagine how depressed I would be if we were still an item at that point.

 

I really really appreciate all your responses as I sit here and painfully type all this. At this point i'm obviously not looking to get back with her and will sort out living situations as the drama unfolds. I'm glad this site exists and will keep you all posted.

Edited June 1, 2013 by carnut

[Njeanne]

Listen to me now. You are not at fault.

Relationship is all about commitment, she knew you had to leave for three weeks for work. If she ordered you to abandon work to have sex with her or she would leave then this relationship was never going to work out in the long term. She cheated on you, just because you were away for three weeks? Sounds like she is really controllable and insecure and not worth the time.

 

Love is more then sex, feelings, it's commitment and she just showed you that she was going to cheat on you sooner or later. Three weeks is nothing! If you truelly love someone, you will wait and the tought of cheating would never cross your mind.