Relationship thats going backwards ? Please help me......

[kjoy82]

Good Morning Everyone! I have a serious problem with the man I have been seeing for over a year now. ANY ADVICE would be welcome!

 

I met Sam 1 year ago this month. All was great in the beginning. Over a period of the last 4 months .... we have been seeing each other less and less. He has had some major changes going on in his life. Such as work, possible disabilty, money, etc. I been supportive and helpful in everyway to him.

 

One night he came over and said that he needed space. Because of his problems. So I did give it to him. Feeling horrible the whole time. I ask him if he wanted to break up. He said no. He doesn't want to see anyone else. Says hes not. We do not do anything together anymore, like going to movies, etc. Hes always working or just too tired. But he will go out with his friends in another town closeby which makes me feel sad and negleted. He always calls in the morning to say hello. Calls me 5 times or more a day just to check in with me or just to talk. He'll take me to lunch. Sometimes he'll ask me over for dinner. We'll watch tv and hang, sometimes scratching each others back and we'll just cuddle. We haven't had sex in 2 months. He has not ask me to stay the night in the 2 months. I feel like now he has phased me out of his life. I have a key to his home. Which hes never ask for. He always tell me to go in his home anytime I need anything. That I do not even have to ask. We live 3 houses apart.

 

When I ask why he hasn't touch me....... his answer is that he is afraid of commitment. I have not ask anything from him! Just being together and getting to know each other. As far as commitment goes. I ask that he only sleeps with me and no one else while we are together. That is all I have ever ask of him. But the longer we are together, the more he seems to be freaking out. I have never said the L word to him. At the beginning of our relationship he told me that he was falling in love with me. So I opened up my heart to him.

 

He ask me to be patient with him and hang in there. He also said that he needs to seek help. Find someone to help him with this big C problem. That was 3 weeks ago. He hasn't spoken or seen anyone yet to my knowledge.

 

Ok people..... I need some very open and honest advice. I do love him and want to spend the rest of my life with this man. But I can not tolerate much more of this. I feel hurt, ugly, lonely. I am so confused..... what do I do? How far do I go with this.

 

Anyone out there who can help?

[Papillon]

Are you REALLY ok with this guy keeping you hanging by a string?

 

Of course not.

 

I would end it, and move on. This guy needs to sort his sh*t out first, but don't let that waste your time. Life's too short.

[FolderWife]

I agree with Papillion. At this point, who cares what this guy wants. You need more than just a few phone calls. You want love, affection, and committment. He's not meeting your needs, so what you NEED to do, is find someone who'll meet your needs.

 

Officially break up with him, so you'll be free to do what you want. No use staying stuck with someone who's never there for you.

[aurora19]

Ok, let me get this straight. You have been together a year, but never said "I love you" and all he has mustered up is "I am falling for you"! Also, he said that he did not want to break up, but he is not having sex with you b/c "he's afraid of commitment", what, huh? So are you together or not?

 

It seems to be that he is keeping you around "just in case" and to make his ego feel better. He is calling and hanging out with you (indoors away from others) at his convenience b/c he wants the security of having someone there. Obviously he is insecure and afraid to be on his own, but knows he has **** to take care of and that in truth he does not want to be with you, but rather wants your attention!

 

I would totally drop him, if he really cares about you he will come looking for you and make attempts to treat you like a real girlfriend!

 

When you go through difficult things in your life that's when you want your partner to be there and help you work through it, not shut them out of there lives until they need to "cuddle" or have their ego stroked or back for that matter!

[whichwayisup]

If you really are in love with him then wait him out. Give him time to figure out his feelings. He may have had a bad experience in the past, or something in his childhood happened...Either way he has his reasons why he is afraid of the big C. Maybe suggest some councilling-If he could find out why he is really scared of committing and deal with the issues then maybe things will improve!

 

Sounds like his got some depression and that definately takes a toll on one emotionally and then that affects the sex drive too. Just let him know you're gonna be patient and be there for him. But if he needs some space give it to him. Maybe backing off as well, less pressure on him, he may come looking for you and open up abit.

 

From what you said he seems to really love you just right now isn't capable of talking about it. He may have pushed his emotions and feelings down so far so he won't feel anything just so he can cope with what else is happening to him in his life.

 

I hope this helps abit.

[seahorse]

Hi,

 

It sounds like there is a case for him having some form of depression; you mention disability too. It's hard to judge fairly without knowing all the details.

 

However, whether he's sunk deep in selfpity or whatever, it is not fair to you to leave you in this emotional and sexual no man's land. Everyone needs to know what is what? Especially after this amount of time in a relationship. Agreed?

 

It seems to me that you can do one of two things here. You can say to him that you feel that he doesn't feel the same way towards you that you feel towards him, tell him you love him, and see what he says from that...and be prepared to break things off between you if it all goes pearshaped...or you can hang on and hope this very unclear relationship improves.

 

For me, I'd have to go with number one...this shilly shallying neither one thing or another type of relationship would totally do my head in. After a year you deserve more kjoy82.