How do I leave her when I still love her?

[solostinllove]

I've caught her twice now. Once was with some random guy and once with her ex. She hasn't cheated sexually yet but I know that is what is coming.

 

I've known her for over 6 years and we have been together for about 8 months and it started off fast and hard. When I first met her, I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She was a wreck and didn't have any respect for herself or anyone else. I even had a name for her that wasn't the nicest. She was after me from the first time I met her. I would make fun of her to her face and tell her to get lost, that kind of thing. I really didn't like her at all. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and beet it. She completely changed. She became an upstanding citizen and seemed to care about all the things I cared about. I saw a totally different person than the one I met those years ago.

 

We reconnected and she still had the same spark for me she had always had. I liked what I saw in her now so I went with it. We started off crazy fast. She told all her friends, family and my family that we were getting married. We spent everyday together. I tried to slow things down but she would get upset if we weren't together all the time. She told me that she was looking for something real and that she wanted a commitment. I feel hard. This is exactly what I was looking for. I let her lead, I followed along with all her plans and thought they were real. I even truly considered an engagement ring. We went shopping for one and she found one she really liked, even wore it for a few days (we know the jeweler pretty well).

 

That is when things started going downhill. A big wall came up and she started acting distant. She went through the motions but it was the little things that gave her away. It was like she turned something off.

 

She went out of town for business for a few days and met someone. I found out by snooping. I had a good reason to snoop, she told me that she didn't think that two people could be totally monogamous, the little things stopped happening, etc. I knew something was up, so I looked at her phone. I found a lot of text messages between her and this guy. She ended it before I found the messages, I assume she felt guilty and didn't really want anything but to be chased. I believe that nothing happened as the guy is totally out of the picture, presumably never to return. I may not trust her but I beleive her when she tells me things. she has been very honest with me when I have asked pointed questions. Trust me, she has been honest.

 

We have talked about commitment and intimacy issues. We have talked about all kinds of issues. And we both know she has problems. I told her that I would be the rock she needed to work out these issues. I really wanted to be that rock but at the same time I am not getting what I need out of this relationship.

 

A day and a half ago I told her as much. The past two months haven't been pretty, she told me she didn't love me, she told me she couldn't be the woman I wanted her to be. I don't believe any of this. I think she is a very confused person due to lots of factors that most of us wouldn't be able to survive, trust me, she has been through the ringer and will require a lot of counseling and support in order to overcome these problems.

 

She had a special event tonight, that I attended, and lets just say that things went very well for her. I proposed that we go out and celebrate. She said no, she needed time to think and try to figure things out. We kept talking about the evening and things were fairly light in the conversation. We started talking about her reluctance to commit. I gave her an ultimatum (I know, never a good idea). It's the first one I have really given her. I told her to make a decision: A) Go all in and put her all into this relationship or B) Tell me to "F**k off". Since we weren't going to go out, I met up with a friend and had a few beers - just trying to get my mind off of things.

 

I get home and have a hard time falling asleep, I let my curiosity get the best of me and I started snooping again. I have all her passwords to everything (facebook, email, etc.). While looking at her stuff, I found an email she sent to her ex asking him to join her at an event tomorrow night (there is no way this can be innocent). She sent this email not long after the conversation a day and a half ago.

 

Should I see what becomes of the ultimatum or should I tell her it is over? I love this woman and know that her issues with commitment and intimacy are what is causing the problem. She has never had anyone love her unconditionally, which I do. However, I think I let her down when I spoke to her yesterday about needing certain things myself. I told her that this wasn't working for me and I needed more from her. It was too soon after our conversation about me being a rock and supporting her, helping her through her issues. I think I may have scared her into doing this, she really is broken.

 

We have agreed to meet on Saturday. Should I wait until then and see what she says and base my decision on that or should I just end it on Friday? If I wait until Saturday and she goes all in, should I go with it since this is what I really want?

 

Sorry for the wall of text.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

Not only does she sound unstable- and a cheater, also sounds like GIGS. Pretty much started after your "near-engagment"?

 

Well just think of how much fun you would have had MARRIED to this person?

 

Sounds to me like you dodged a bullet for sure.

 

Not only that, but take control of your life NOW! Do not allow her to dictate when/if/maybe. I say that because it's obvious she is lying/cheating or certainly about to.

 

Do not sit and wait for it to happen. I think if you want peace in your life, you seriously should look to end it.

 

She won't change.

[solostinllove]

But it is so hard to walk away and end this.

 

Thanks for giving it to me straight. I have some soul searching to do. She called me this morning and seemed very sad about things. She asked me to let her know when I'm off work so we can get together and talk. I just hope I have the resolve to do what is best.

[BrokenHeartedSavior]

All I can say is tread LIGHTLY. BE CAREFULL BUD. Too many bad signs.