tryingagain Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 My husband & I who are married 14 years, have been separated for almost 1 year. The first several months were very painful for me & my son, but over time we adjusted. 3 months ago we agreed to try to reconcile. We had the summer alone together, because my son was away at camp. It was really nice. We are working really hard and are in counseling both together & separately. He still has his apartment, and has been coming home on weekends, and 1 time during the week. We have been working towards him coming home end of this month. As the time is getting closer, I feel he is getting confused again. He said he is scared, and so am I. But I feel we must take the plunge, and risk it. He is so afraid of failure, but sometimes I think it is more than that. I know he loves me & cares about me, but maybe not enough and he is afraid to tell me. I tried to talk about this with him, but he never gives me a straight answer. I am starting to feel panicky, and also losing my patience. We have a session tonite, and I feel nervous about it. I feel I am constantly waiting for him to have some kind of epifany, and say to me, yes I really want this, I love you so much and can't wait to start a new life together. I am so not sure if this is fear that is stoping him, or he really is not sure how he really feels. How do I find out that answer? & how much longer do I hang it there and wait?. Just a little backround, he left last Nov. We just had the typical, no connection, take each other for granted, unhappiness issues. When I tried to discuss this with him, and say we needed help or else, he took the or else. He has always been so closed off, and had a really hard time with verbal communication. But since he has been in therapy, he really has made amazing strides, but still has a ways to go. Anyway, if anyone has any in sight or feed back, I would greatly appreciate it.
Scott S Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Was this originally intended as a trial separation? Also, are you both in counseling, or just him? One of the problems that occurs during a separation is that the norms/paradigms of the relationship change. You aren't living as a couple, you aren't acting like a couple, you don't think as a couple. So it's no surprise when you actually cease to exist as a couple. The norm isn't coupleness anymore, it's separateness, & the longer the separation, the more reluctant the separatees are to come back together. What at first was "Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" eventually becomes "Out Of Sight - Out Of Mind." What is happening now is you both are facing another paradigm shift. That is from separateness back to coupleness. You've both changed as people, & the new/renewed relationship is going to be different than the old one. A lot different. Understandably there is some trepidation, especially with him. Wondering if you're doing the right thing, wondering if he's making a mistake, if it's going to be worse than before, etc. If you aren't already in couples counseling, you should seriously consider looking into it. You will be going through some very difficult readjustments. Keeping communication open is very important, & this will likely prove helpful. Good luck to you both! I wish you well.
tryingagain Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Scott- thanks for your response & insight. I think in his mind it was meant to be a trial separation. He was so confused, lost and shut down when he left, he barely was able to tell me what he was doing. He went to counseling for himself immediately, but did not want to go together, until several months later. When we did finally go, I was so angry and hurt, and also felt he was not ready to commit to working on the marriage, we gave up. We both continued in our individual therapy, and several months later we went back to couples counseling (its been about 4 months now). It really has been great, he communicates like never before and we haved learned quite a bit about ourselves and each other. I was feeling very positive, but as my last post said I feel a pulling away, especially on the phone the last couple of days. I asked him this morning if there was anything he wants to talk about, and said I feel your confusion again. He was very apprehensive to talk with me about it. He just said that he keeps thinking about coming home, and trying to figure out things. I dont want to push, I understand a lot of what he is going thru, but I can't stand this really creepy, panicky feeling having now. I just keep geting this feeling, that he going to tell me he just can't do this.
rble618740 Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 I don't know what to say except that, I was where you are just two months ago. My husband and I had separated, I felt that we couldn't REALLY work on things unless we were back under the same roof, but I didn't want to push him to come back (I wanted the decision to be entirely his), he seemed to waiver between wanting to work things out and wanting to give up. It's tough. I could write page after page on this topic (the emotions are still so fresh), but if you have specific questions or situations, I could address those for you. I'm more than happy to talk - you're in a tough place. It hurts, I know. But - just to give you some hope - my husband and I are doing great. Just yesterday he told me he was so stupid to think he could have ever been happy without me. It feels good - and it wouldn't be this good if we hadn't taken the time apart to get our individual acts together. Again, I'm an open book. Tell me how I can help. 1
findinmyway Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 I am in a similar situation and I can't offer advice, but I can share my experience. My H and I divorced 3 yrs ago and moved back in together in January to reconcile. I am currently looking to buy another home on my own. I, too, could go into page after page. But, to sum it up---it has been extremely difficult for us after everything that has happened. Perhaps it is because we actually went through with the divorce, or the fact that we have been apart longer than you have, but---it has been so extremely, impossible I think, hard to get it back. Nothing is the same. I was the one who lost feelings for him. Things were so miserable for us while we were apart (we have two small kids) that I thought if I really tried I could make those feelings come back. I was wrong. According to rble, you can find happiness the second time around. But, the sad truth is sometimes you can't. You are hesitant right now---maybe it's just cold feet and not a sign that things won't work out. I hope it does. It will definitely take 110% from both of you.
vee Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Anyway, if anyone has any in sight or feed back, I would greatly appreciate it. I am new at this marriage problem thing. But, coming from my own recent experiences, and from the little bit that I know from what you wrote, I think there are things this man is not telling you. Whether there are some true feelings he may be hiding, or something else, I don't know. But I don't think he's being totally honest or upfront. Proceed with caution tonight.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Scott S. had some really terrific insight into this. Particularly if your husband's indecisiveness is based on emotional issues. If so, he can work that out in therapy, and you'll just have to be patient while he does so. But I also think that Vee makes some good points. It could be that you don't have ALL the information. Afterall, a man in love will swim oceans and climb mountains to be with his heart's desire. I think you need to find out definatively what's causing his cold feet. There could be a snake in your wood-pile.
tryingagain Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 I think you might be correct, I have and have along suspected that there is something else other than the emotional issues. I have brought this up so many times with him alone and in therapy. But he keeps insisting there is nothing else besides him trying to figure out if we can truly be happy togther again, and fullfill each others needs. Its a nagging feeling, I am not sure if its gut instinct or paranoia. I either have to choose to believe & trust him, and give him more time, or just say I'm done. I also believe if a man is truly in love, he will climb mountains, so all this confusion he is experiencing, says to me he really is not sure of the level of love he has for me. Its weird, he says all the right things in therapy, he does show he really cares and wants it to work. Sometimes I just don't hear it or see it. The therapist pointed that out to me last nite. I think I am just scared to death to be hurt again. Boy, this stuff is sooooooo hard. Thanks for all your insights
rble618740 Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Perhaps some more information about your husband might help. Your situation is so much like mine that your posts could have been my own just a few months ago. Please know that I am here for you. My husband was 26 when we got married but he'd spent a large part of his adult life as a student (4 years of college, 3 years of law school). I feel like some of his actions were a reflection of his immaturity (not wanting to grow up and be a big boy with responsibilities). My husband always maintained that he loved me and that I was a good wife, throughout the separation. What had him feeling ambivalent about us, he told me, was thinking that our combination of personalities might never be able to coexist in a relatively happy and peaceful household. He's is unconventional and is always looking for a good time while I'm very responsible and serious. One thing you may not know, but that I have learned, is that men are very fragile. They may not let you know how bad you hurt them when you nag, or complain, or criticize. And I'm not suggesting you do - I only know I did, even when I didn't know I was doing it. I didn't realize that my husband was interpreting so much of what I was saying as me basically telling him he was a "failure." Oddly enough, even though he admitted he wasn't being a good husband, it tortured him when I told him that. I'm not suggesting you lie or just suck it up if you have gripes, I'm just saying that - at least in my situation - a little bit of truth goes a long way towards smacking a man across the face (figuratively, of course). We never talked about any of this, he never complained to me about a SINGLE thing until the day he walked out. I had no idea that he thought our marriage was so miserable -- I thought we were just having normal spats. Your husband may be like mine - he may not be as resiliant as you and he's afraid of getting hurt very badly again. I know you are, too - but many men would rather walk away than possibly expose themselves to a second dose of emotional pain. I know we have these ideas about, "if he loved you he would.... (move mountains, swim oceans, pick up his laundry)" but, they are our ideas. I don't think men equate actions with emotions in the same way we do. I would bet that your husband does not relate his flip-floppedness (for lack of a better word) to his love for you. I bet he attributes it to a legitimate fear that he may invest more time, effort, and emotion into your marriage and still have a negative result. For my husband, deciding to leave was a much harder decision (even though he made it look too easy to me). Once he had made that decision, he was afraid he wouldn't be able to make it again if things didn't work out and he definitely knew he didn't want to be in a marriage where both of us were miserable. I don't know about you, but I was VERY upset about my husband's ambivalence. I remember thinking, "if you don' t know if you want to be here, then you probably don't!" But then I thought, "Hey, I'm being kinda' hypocritical. I have doubts myself sometimes about whether it's best to continue on in this marriage." After that revelation, I thought about our marriage only from my perspective. I stopped worrying about whether he was going to stick around and work on it, I stopped thinking about whether my needs wouuld be met if he came home, etc. I just focused on becoming a better me. I made the decision that, regardless of what he wanted, I wanted to work on our marriage. I decided that, regardless of whether he was going to be a good husband, I was determined to be a good wife. And a weird thing happened - by focusing on becoming a better wife (even though, if you'd have asked me 4 months ago I would have told you that I was already doing more than my fair share), I gained a MUCH better husband. He was uncomfortable with how much I focused on his actions and he felt like I was constantly judging him against my ideas of the husband he should be. He feels free since I've put my focus back on myself. And what he's done with that freedom, is to become a good husband in his way - not my way. I've learned that his way of being a good husband - is GREAT! Since I'm not defensively looking out for me, he has taken on that responsibility. He's begun to make sure that I'm taken care, that he's being fair to me, that my needs are being met. That's a long way of saying - you know best. There may be something to your suspicions. But, be aware that you may be mistaken to interpret his undecidedness as meaning he does not love you enough. Don't drive yourself crazy assuming your husband's actions say something negative about his feelings (in these circumstances). He may just be REALLY scared, and aren't you? 1
tryingagain Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Hey rble, thanks so much for your response, I would love to hear more about your situation, a positive outcome such as yours is so uplifting, cheers to you both!!!! Would it be ok if I pm you?
rble618740 Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 Feel free to private message me! I'd like to help in any way that I can. I know every situation is different, but I'm happy to share mine with you.
ready2moveon26 Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 My advice is...if you don't feel right about, don't do it. If you feel things are good with the two of you being apart, don't get back together. My husband and I are seperated for the second time. The first time it was 3 months, this time, it's been 7. We are getting a dissolution. We are GREAT at being friends but can't be married to one another. Read my recent post for more info. It will hurt you and your child even more if the two of you get back toghether and it doesn't work out later. Please...if it doesn't feel right...don't do it!
Recommended Posts