numberonedad Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Hello, I need help. Mutual friends had introduced my GF last year in April, we hit it off and have been very serious and strong for a year. Now... My GF has a 18 yr boy and 16 yr girl, Her Ex....their Dad ...died of a self inflicted gun shot on June 12 last year. She was with him 17 years and filed divorce twice and never went through with it. She was living in an apartment for a year before we met. She took care of the funeral and had cleaners fix and clean the house,she also seen the crime scene and took over where his business left off ect. ect. ect. I admired her for her strength and the way she handled things,she helped her kids through this...its been a rough road on the daughter. I haven't mentioned yet the whole marriage was unhappy very abuseful and draining,shes had broken bones,bloody kids ect. ect. from her husband who suffers from alcohol and drug use. This last Memorial weekend she has gotten distant from me and friends, she says she's having a hard time with it,I believe the shock is gone and her kids are on their feet and she is finally starting to grieve,her son graduates this week and she is sad, sad at any milestone for her kids, I can understand. What Im struggling with is I usually hear from her everyday and this week only once all week,ive left her alone to have some space. I feel like the ex is getting all the honor and respect, I feel slightly betrayed and backstabbed, I just learned (through a friend)that she finally bought a bench for his grave site and it has her name on it too!! she told the mutual friend that she wants to be buried next to the kids father. I was devastated when I heard this,she does not know that I know,How can I have a future with this person when I know this info,I have nothing to look forward too. I don't know whether to bolt or try to tough this out,I don't know what to do, She is an amazing person but cant believe that ive been treated like this the last week. thank you for your help in advance. And if I stay by her side how do I get her help? She's gotta have post tramatic stress. Edited May 31, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
aisuru Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Whoo boy. I don't know. But I couldn't read and run. Has she seen a therapist? The reality is that she probably has some very mixed feelings. That have nothing to do with you. You gotta allow her the space/time to sort those out. I just cannot even imagine. So heartbreaking.
juicygirl Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Her grieve was delayed because she was so busy with everyone and everything else and she maybe feeling guilty because of the way he died. Be there for her without because needy and pushy ,if you think about yourself right now in this moment when she needs you she might run anyway. I laughed at nothing to look forward to, do you dream of being buried next to her? Is that what you're looking forward to? The guy is dead, he is not a threat to you. She's hurt,sad and was married to the guy with kids, they had a bond but trust she's just mourning him, when she feels o.k again she won't want to be buried next to him. What kind of friend is shamefully telling you this info? Just be supportive, if months and months go by and she's still not over it get her to a shrink but I wouldn't run just yet. 1
BustedUpInside Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I agree. I wouldn't take anything she says very seriously right now. Not only did she lose someone that she used to be close with, but someone who at some point, she probably actually wished was dead. I bet she feels so guilty right now. You are right to be upset, but I can tell that you really love her, so maybe you might be willing to just shine it on a little bit longer. Help her get into some counseling and maybe couples counseling. I would be willing to bet that once she gets all her feelings out with a professional, you will see a turnaround and she will be thinking much more logically. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I am incredibly sorry about her loss, how sad. Sadly, there is nothing you CAN do. Everyone deals with grief differently. She may or may not want to talk about it. She may or may not want you to contact her more often, or she may want you to lay off her completely. Do not ask her about it, but let her know that if she wants to talk, your always there to listen. Hug her. That is all my ex boyfriend needed after his mother died. They were very close, and while he did not exactly want me to go bringing it up, he had times where HE brought it up, and simply wanted me to listen to him and hug him. Likely, she wants you to not bring it up, and she wants to feel comfortable enough with you to feel that she is able to bring it up.
Author numberonedad Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 I just got done talking with her,she said this week has been very hard,the anniversary of his death is coming up and sons graduation,She feels a lot of guilt.She has been praying with the pastor this week. Shes had a lot of mixed feelings,she has bad dreams. We had small talk and I reassured her that shes in my thoughts and prayers. We've never had comm problems till this week but its understandable. I don't know how to feel about the her name on the grave site,im going to have to ponder that,its not a jealousy thing but more of a sacred thing to me,the guy who hopefully is at her side till we die. I just know that I would want to be buried next to the woman who has my heart, I would NEVER consider being next to MY kids' Mother I asked her to talk to me if she has irrational thoughts and odd mood swings,I told her im going to be keeping an eye on her... she said"thats good!" And she thanked me for the space I gave her this week. We both agree that she has PTSD,I mean she seen the blood ,teeth,scull pieces all over the house. She moved back in the house after the cleaners finished and weeks to months later she would find a piece of him..... So bottom line is im going to stand by her even if I feel pushed away or not getting all my needs ,we are best friends and I love her . I have to get over my worrys and anxiety in this situation and not be defensive. 1
Author numberonedad Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Oh and she's gone to one grief camp with her daughter. She has seen her dr about different anti-depressants, As far as I know she hasn't seen anyone about PTSD
BustedUpInside Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 I just got done talking with her,she said this week has been very hard,the anniversary of his death is coming up and sons graduation,She feels a lot of guilt.She has been praying with the pastor this week. Shes had a lot of mixed feelings,she has bad dreams. We had small talk and I reassured her that shes in my thoughts and prayers. We've never had comm problems till this week but its understandable. I don't know how to feel about the her name on the grave site,im going to have to ponder that,its not a jealousy thing but more of a sacred thing to me,the guy who hopefully is at her side till we die. I just know that I would want to be buried next to the woman who has my heart, I would NEVER consider being next to MY kids' Mother I asked her to talk to me if she has irrational thoughts and odd mood swings,I told her im going to be keeping an eye on her... she said"thats good!" And she thanked me for the space I gave her this week. We both agree that she has PTSD,I mean she seen the blood ,teeth,scull pieces all over the house. She moved back in the house after the cleaners finished and weeks to months later she would find a piece of him..... So bottom line is im going to stand by her even if I feel pushed away or not getting all my needs ,we are best friends and I love her . I have to get over my worrys and anxiety in this situation and not be defensive. You sound like a good guy. You are doing the right thing by giving her space. I really really hope everything works out for you guys. Please keep us posted and you should use this site as a sounding board whenever you get frustrated. It really does help 3
Author numberonedad Posted May 31, 2013 Author Posted May 31, 2013 Even with the issues at hand,I think She is the most stable woman ive gone out with and im 40! Ive met some real Jekye and hydes 1
Author numberonedad Posted June 2, 2013 Author Posted June 2, 2013 Its been 2 weeks since ive seen her, I called and wished her happy birthday today,I kept the call short. I sent an ecard yesterday telling her that she's in my thoughts and prayers and she is missed and I love her. She txtd back "thank you.that was really nice:)" And I said "glad you liked" she said"yes it was great:)" She hasn't told me she loves me and its killing me,been about 2 weeks I need to talk to her face to face and get some things out Like a person commented on another forum, be careful of the nice guys finish last thing
ThorntonMelon Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I'm going against the grain here a little bit. A woman who loves you, truly loves you, won't ever let you go to bed at night wondering if she does. She might be distracted, she might be completely preoccupied by grief, but she'll lean on you in ways that make you know that you matter. This one is not right now. I am not saying break up because honestly you're going to be so screwed up by the whiplash of the situation that it's kind of irrelevant what you say out loud to her right now. You're boyfriend and girlfriend - it should not be so diffiicult for you to ask to see her and spend time together, if it is, there's something else badly wrong in the relationship. I'd honestly go limited contact, be your normal stuff if she reaches out to you, but this is on her - she has to decide to give you the love you deserve, you cannot love her back into the relationship. Forget the nice guys things - there are as many single jerks as there are single nice guys, your situation is your own and hopefully she values what you guys have. But don't be an option for her, because right now she's not valuing what you have. I wouldn't send an email or meet or anything about it, I'd just truly remember no woman who valued you, needed you in her life, would go a day without showing it.
Author numberonedad Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Thanks for all the comments! I think maybe im worring too much of looking into things a little negatively. Im starting to understand the grieving process better. I spent the night on her Bday and had a good time. I wanted her to come to my house this week sometime to talk and she came tonight. We had deep conversation nonstop from 6 to midnight. We're back on the same page,there was a bit of communication breakdown that started this, but we sorted through it with ease. I understand her as well as she understand my feelings.
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