Goodbye Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Ok, I'm not sure I understand why it is acceptable for BS's to go back with the lying, sneaky cheat...but when an OW, who has had a loving relationship debates taking back someone she loves; if promises are kept...how is it different? OP should give it careful consideration and time. Most of us OW come here and say awful things about our AP's because we HURT, because the situation HURTS...but there were/are reasons we were in the relationship. I would think OP was insane for debating still loving this man. I'm sure she didn't come here to tell us all the great stuff about him...but rather why she hurts right now. She knows he did some awful stuff...awful stuff happens in affairs. If he does do as he said he will, she should proceed with extreme caution. But only she knows what is right for her. Maybe it will work. Who knows. Stranger things have happened. 6
HopingAgain Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Ok, I'm not sure I understand why it is acceptable for BS's to go back with the lying, sneaky cheat...but when an OW, who has had a loving relationship debates taking back someone she loves; if promises are kept...how is it different? OP should give it careful consideration and time. Most of us OW come here and say awful things about our AP's because we HURT, because the situation HURTS...but there were/are reasons we were in the relationship. I would think OP was insane for debating still loving this man. I'm sure she didn't come here to tell us all the great stuff about him...but rather why she hurts right now. She knows he did some awful stuff...awful stuff happens in affairs. If he does do as he said he will, she should proceed with extreme caution. But only she knows what is right for her. Maybe it will work. Who knows. Stranger things have happened. I wouldn't advise ANY woman, regardless of marital status to him or non, to proceed in a relationship with a man like this. Confusion is common in affairs, its par for the course. But there is no way this guy doesn't know exactly what he's doing, and now he is purposely shafting both women. There are men out here in this world who enjoy playing with womens emotions, and he sure sounds like one. Sometimes you just have to call it like it is. From what you've heard of this story, do you believe for even one second this man will divorce his wife?
HopingAgain Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Oh no! You went back and re-read the OW manual!:eek: If a betrayed wife has a few kids, homes, family, history, etc the cheater deserves a chance. The OW has nothing other than the shallow ILYs and change in brain biochemistry. Dumping the cheater should always be easier by the OW; much harder by the BW due to the heavy investment. If you check the OW manual further down the page you will see that these folks stay married because of the kids, home, family, etc. Those that are living together with no kids often use the pets as a reason to stay.:laugh: And that is why very poor people in welfare spend a fortune in lottery tickets. All they have left is hope, no matter how little. Well said!
Goodbye Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Whatever Pierre...frankly I don't really respect people "staying together for kids" if there isn't any love between the partners. It is a total farce and usually a crutch. I stand by what I said and I'll write my own OW manual...thanks. 5
Got it Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Oh right the "OW" manual again. At least some posters are consistent. Goodbye- my take, you have to look at who is delivering the message and so who stands to gain what. It's called funny logic, you can make it mean whatever you want. The line of logic you bring up always makes me think, " one is 100% right and one is 100% wrong". I am so glad I didn't follow any bystander's manual on what I should do, expect, or how to live my life. It would be so miserable. 2
findingnemo Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 MEE, You asked why you feel relief. I suspect that it is because by saying those words to you, he confirmed what you have known throughout the A is true. That he loves you. The event you described, the meeting with him and OW was awful and probably left you wondering whether you had imagined things he said and did. No, you didn't. And he just confirmed that. What does it mean? Nothing. Nothing has really changed. The only positive out of all this is that you are no longer in an A - no longer in a secret love R with MM. By attending that meeting and saying your piece, the A is exposed and for you the only thing to do is walk away from it. What happens between his W and him remains to be seen. Action, repeated action and more action is required of him. All this takes time and time is your friend in this situation. Does he really love you? I think it is possible but would only be sure if he ended his M, took time out to work on himself, apologized to you repeatedly and profusely, and accepted your decision. At this point, he looks like an *********. He acted like one and he hasn't done a thing to change that. Can he redeem himself in your eyes in the future? Sure he can. Everybody is capable of making life altering decisions and becoming better for it. As badly as he treated you that day, he is not the worst person on earth. But right now, the bad outweighs the good by far. How about wanting the balance to change? If he loves you, shouldn't he love you above and beyond any other woman? Shouldn't he put you first? Protect you and be willing to face down everybody else for you? He is clearly capable of doing so. He proved it the other day. Of course you can take him back. I'm sure that there will be ups and downs just like in all Rs. But you shouldn't take him back in an A. You shouldn't accept anything but his ALL. For him to give you that, it will take many decisions and actions on his part. Do not hold out hope for it. You don't have much on which to base that hope. But just as a BW takes back her WH with conditions and actions clearly spelt out and undertaken, you have the right to the same expectation. There is no A any more. That is now in the past. There are only two possibilities left to you. Either you move on with your life and forget this man, or you move on with your life and in time he will do what needs to be done to get your forgiveness and love. 3
thecharade Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 MEE, There are a lot of polarized opinions, but I'm not sure why you have to do or believe or say anything. Let it be. Keep silently to yourself. See what transpires over days or weeks. If he said this to suck you back in, he'll be looking for discussion and emotion long before there is ever any measurable change in his life. If he really is making a move out of the marriage, decide how you feel about the whole thing then. Protect yourself through patience and focus on self. Time will tell you almost anything you need to know.
Praying4Peace Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Oh no! You went back and re-read the OW manual!:eek: If a betrayed wife has a few kids, homes, family, history, etc the cheater deserves a chance. The OW has nothing other than the shallow ILYs and change in brain biochemistry. Dumping the cheater should always be easier by the OW; much harder by the BW due to the heavy investment. If you check the OW manual further down the page you will see that these folks stay married because of the kids, home, family, etc. Those that are living together with no kids often use the pets as a reason to stay.:laugh: Seriously Pierre? Why don't you go register on BrainBiochemistryShack.org and not LoveShack? Also, I looked by I don't see your story. Have you been in an affair? Are you betrayed spouse? What's you deal, other than speaking like a robot? The tin man on Wizard of Oz was more into love. And that is why very poor people in welfare spend a fortune in lottery tickets. All they have left is hope, no matter how little. Sorry, but if you don't take a risk you'll never find love. Whether its in an affair context or otherwise. Just like a BS says she has to stay to 'see if he can back it up with actions' even if it takes 2-5 YEARS, SEVERAL DDAYS (if that's not showing you 'action' i don't know what is) then so can OP. Why is it the ONLY action that means anything is getting a divorce? The question for the OP is can she live with herself if she doesn't see this all the way through? For the posters who say that anyone in an affair is defective and incapable of love- you're on the wrong board. According to that logic, we should all just die alone. Oh, and that would count the cheating MM's MW's that 'are doing the heavy lifting' (whatever that means). Stay on here long enough and all you do is harden your heart until the point where you can't feel pain OR joy. Real fun life. ItsMEE- hope you're doing well.
Owl Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 OK...to respond to the person that this thread is ACTUALLY about... MEE...I've got a slightly different bit of advice for you. First off...this guy is a frickin' USER. He's played you like a fiddle. His wife right alongside you. I wouldn't recommend ANYONE attempt any kind of relationship with this guy...EVER. So whatever you're thinking about with him, all I can give is a resounding...DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Given that...this BS of getting waylaid by him everytime you go into work needs to STOP!!! You need to go back to the manager who begged you to come back...and inform him that this JERK is making your life heck, and is (use these specific words) "creating a hostile work environment" for you. You feel you can't come to work anymore with his constant pressuring you to 'go back to him'. Don't fall for his lies, his manipulation. And stop accepting an unacceptable situation. You should NOT accept what he's doing to you at work!!! If he comes near you again...tell your boss, and let him handle it accordingly. 3
jlola Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) This man's actions are appaling. His character,his integrity just so cowardly.Amazing how some women cannot see through this. They listen to the words and pay little attention to the actions. I was raised by a narcissist and once upon a time attracted to that kind. The most painful,most passionate relationships were with NPD's because normal men do not give you the thrill these men can. You are his "soulmate",his "everything". Love bombing is their specialty. So many people have no idea the pain,the uncertainty,the roller coaster,the anxiety, the crazy relationships are usually due to NPD,sociopaths(also amazing charmers,dating magnets,not the killers we see on tv) or BPD. Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 5
HopingAgain Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) Most in this thread have advised keeping the BW advised of the continued contact, so she can know the truth of who this man is too. Not so she can stay with him. Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Praying4Peace Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I think everyone has agreed to check out his actions, not just trust his words. My point is to allow him to show those actions.
jlola Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think everyone has agreed to check out his actions, not just trust his words. My point is to allow him to show those actions. How many chances is she supposed to allow him to show his actions? I wasted years with men who showed their true selves through actions, but were so good with words,so good with promises I kept getting sucked back in when I should have kept walking. Now ith much clearer eyes I understand their true character is obvious through their actions. But they are smart enough to understand WHo can be pulled in with words and short term good behavior. If women and men stopped making excuses for bad behavior and focused on "long term" good character and integrity,theses people would not get so much of what they seek. Ego boost from 2 others who are willing to go through misery to allow them happiness and all their needs met.While giving back so little. 3
Author Its_MEE Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Wow guys... Thank you all so much. Seriously.. I do take all of these responses to heart, although I am capable of making my own decisions. This site has been a blessing! Many will disagree with what I am about to say... And that is ok. But here goes.. I don't know what I'll do.. Today, at this very moment, I am numb. No pain, no joy. Just decisions that I know I'll have to make. I came here to LS because I fell in love with a married man who was caught. Panicked. And basically decided to stay at home. But... Decisions change. One cannot make a decision in a second about the rest of their life. He felt pressure.. From everywhere. Me, her, family, kids, friends... Thursday... He was forced to come To me and end it. For good... He did. I've never been so hurt. But.. I knew that I had to respect it... He did not talk badly about me, or belittle me. He did make me feel small because I felt worthless for a sec but I know I'm worth TONS. While saying the words that he said that night, I knew, saw, and felt, that this was not something he wanted to do. He looked defeated. And weak. Like someone I've never met. I've hurt like never before these last few days. Just thinking, "HOW COULD HE"? He was terrified that's how. Not making excuses because I am still overwhelmed with emotions about this but it is the reality. He is not a sociopath or a narcissist. Not by any means. He is messed up and needs counsel. And before you ask if this is something I would be willing To deal with.. Yes... Right now though.... I am scared... After him revealing this though, my stance does not change. Actions.. Actions, actions. His words mean nothing. People ask if I would really be with a man that has done all this to his wife. Because he would most likely do it to me. But the thing is... I was a part of that. I hurt her too. And selfish and crazy as it sounds... He loves me. More than he's ever loved her. He loves her. Yes. But as a partner that he's been with, history, house, children, family. I did tell him. That he now needs I handle this situation. Alone. And although there is no love lost, I now need to be validated again. He will have to show me that he truly loves me all over. Forreal. He is not superhuman. (Thanks p4p) Neither am I. Love does make people do the craziest things. And I am NOT saying that me and this man will be together. One, because I don't know if I believe him. And two, because I have not forgiven him. I just don't know. Actions.
HopingAgain Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 ItsMee, I know you are caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, but as you said...actions. Love is an action word, not just a feeling. And just because you were a part of him hurting his wife does NOT mean you need to continue to punish yourself and go down in flames with him. From your own words, this man is a destructive force in your life. You say he loves you more than he's ever loved his wife. How do you know? Because its something he's said? Hasn't he already shown you he will say anything to get what he wants? How has he proven that he loves you? I really believe you are caught up in the intensity of this man, but he really needs some time to become emotionally healthy before entertaining a relationship with anyone outside himself. Hurt people, hurt people. And you are in a position to continue to be hurt very badly by him if you don't really distance yourself emotionally. 2
Quiet Storm Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 It's good that you now view him as pathetic and weak, because he is. Now when he comes back for more, and lays on the charm, or sends you texts, picture him as a weak, pathetic addict. Picture him down on the floor scrounging for crack rocks. Imagine that any text or attention you give him are the rocks, and that you just provide him with another hit. When you look at MM in that light, anything attractive about him should fade away. I'm reposting a portion of my response in the beginning of the thread because I think you are confusing love with addiction. He needs a hit of you right now. He is not concerned about your feelings, your well being, your state of mind. He wants you to do what you do for him. It's all about him. He'll get his hit. You'll get your hit. And then you'll feel like *****. I don't know how you can feel loved by this man. You don't focus on feeling disrespected, marginalized, used...you feel loved. I know so many are annoyed by psychobabble, but those that disregard the negative and feel loved despite it all, are falling back on a childhood defense mechanism. Kids have to bury and rationalize the negative to survive and to feel the love they desperately need. In adulthood, this defense mechanism only keeps us stuck. 6
spice4life Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Wow guys... Thank you all so much. Seriously.. I do take all of these responses to heart, although I am capable of making my own decisions. This site has been a blessing! Many will disagree with what I am about to say... And that is ok. But here goes.. I don't know what I'll do.. Today, at this very moment, I am numb. No pain, no joy. Just decisions that I know I'll have to make. I came here to LS because I fell in love with a married man who was caught. Panicked. And basically decided to stay at home. But... Decisions change. One cannot make a decision in a second about the rest of their life. He felt pressure.. From everywhere. Me, her, family, kids, friends... Thursday... He was forced to come To me and end it. For good... He did. I've never been so hurt. But.. I knew that I had to respect it... He did not talk badly about me, or belittle me. He did make me feel small because I felt worthless for a sec but I know I'm worth TONS. While saying the words that he said that night, I knew, saw, and felt, that this was not something he wanted to do. He looked defeated. And weak. Like someone I've never met. I've hurt like never before these last few days. Just thinking, "HOW COULD HE"? He was terrified that's how. Not making excuses because I am still overwhelmed with emotions about this but it is the reality. He is not a sociopath or a narcissist. Not by any means. He is messed up and needs counsel. And before you ask if this is something I would be willing To deal with.. Yes... Right now though.... I am scared... After him revealing this though, my stance does not change. Actions.. Actions, actions. His words mean nothing. People ask if I would really be with a man that has done all this to his wife. Because he would most likely do it to me. But the thing is... I was a part of that. I hurt her too. And selfish and crazy as it sounds... He loves me. More than he's ever loved her. He loves her. Yes. But as a partner that he's been with, history, house, children, family. I did tell him. That he now needs I handle this situation. Alone. And although there is no love lost, I now need to be validated again. He will have to show me that he truly loves me all over. Forreal. He is not superhuman. (Thanks p4p) Neither am I. Love does make people do the craziest things. And I am NOT saying that me and this man will be together. One, because I don't know if I believe him. And two, because I have not forgiven him. I just don't know. Actions. Only you know more than anyone what situation is because you know him better than any of us anonymous posters on a forum. Personally, I'm staying away from diagnosing situations and calling people sociopaths and narcisisst anymore because I'm not qualified to so. It requires a professional...lol. My therapist told me the same thing. There is a lot that goes into a diagnosis and its more likely they aren't than they are.We all have a prsonality trait or two that might mirror those with a PD, but that in no way means we have that disorder! A recent thread where someone was on a venomous tirade calling their AP a narcissist in the last week or two solidified my current stance on this as well. Whew, it made me stop reading here for a few weeks! So yeah, I would ignore those lables if I were you. People do crazy things when they are stressed. It's simple as that...lol. Stick to your guns though and require he show you through honest actions that are undeniable. I wish you peace - well, as much as realistically possible anyway - and stay true to YOU. If you are not sure what to do then do nothing until you do. The right answers will surface so don't force yourself to do anything until they are clear and again, undeniable. Good luck!
truthbetold Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Mee, I'm going to try to gently re-orient you back to the FACT this man is a serial cheater. I KNOW you want so very hard to believe he's never loved anyone as much as he's loved you, but Mee, I wish you would listen to us. A guy like that only thinks of himself, not anyone else. Real love wouldn't do this. Mee, I so wish I could get you to see that. He is not capable of true love he just isn't. His actions thus far have been disgusting. Just the way you said he ignored your boundary when you told him to leave you alone. And he kept pushing and pushing and laughing and saying you would be back. Ask yourself why Mee? Because he KNOWS he can play you. So that tactic didn't work to get you back, so now he's decided tears. It's an act me. Of course he's convincing to you, that's the charm you supposedly see. A serial cheater does not change because of one new woman. A serial cheater is broken inside THEMSELVES. Not his wife, HE is broken. Mee, he's playing you and you should be PISSED. He didn't "have" to do any of what he did. Mark my words Mee, and I'm not usually this confident to say "mark my words" but everything he has shown himself. *IF* he truly does leave, once his wife gets over him and finds her own happiness and perhaps a new love. HE will not be able to handle it. For him it's all about having multiple women adoring them. THAT'S how he will think. And he will drop you to woo her again. He's going to further break hearts because that's all he knows. Mee, think about your son. The one deserving of your adoration and devoted time. Don't short change him by giving in to what this is going to turn into. A drama fest. Mee, if not for you, do it for your son. 4
truthbetold Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I'm reposting a portion of my response in the beginning of the thread because I think you are confusing love with addiction. He needs a hit of you right now. He is not concerned about your feelings, your well being, your state of mind. He wants you to do what you do for him. It's all about him. He'll get his hit. You'll get your hit. And then you'll feel like *****. I don't know how you can feel loved by this man. You don't focus on feeling disrespected, marginalized, used...you feel loved. I know so many are annoyed by psychobabble, but those that disregard the negative and feel loved despite it all, are falling back on a childhood defense mechanism. Kids have to bury and rationalize the negative to survive and to feel the love they desperately need. In adulthood, this defense mechanism only keeps us stuck. ^^^^^ This Mee, said so much more eloquently than I could have. People do not forget Mee told us he is a serial cheat. That's not just a mixed up guy that suddenly found love that's a guy with deep rooted issues that neither Mee, or her son needs, let alone his wife.
Author Its_MEE Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 You are all right in your own ways. He very well might be lying... Again.. Or he might be serious.. Today. Like I said. I don't know. S4L said it well... Until I am sure of what I will do... I will do nothing... My last post was not meant to sound like I am once again melting into this dudes arms by having this 30 min convo about his recent decisions... No way. You're right when you say that right now. I am messed up and a little weak because of what's happened. Susceptible to falling like an idiot again. But nope. I will never fall like that again. I don't feel helpless anymore. I am in full control of my decisions right now. This may be part of te roller coaster. But tonight I feel in control. I will not be swooning over anyone for a while. He is a cheater a liar a manipulator. I knew this when I was in a full blown A. I was a willing participant. Listening to stories and still swooning. Most AP are aware that their MM are cheaters right? But most fall in love still. So. I have BEEN in too deep for a while now.... But I am no longer drowning.. Im laying on my floaty. I will keep my distance from him still. No doubt. There is sill not much to say on my part. Until....... Actions. QS, thank you. I love all you educated folk! you do really help me see things in different perspectives. I am not though, giving him a hit... Will not. The A. Is over . Done.. I don't know about anything else. I am definitely caught up in all of this intensity. It is overwhelming. But... I have stepped back. And although his words today rocked me a little. I am looking at everything in a different way. I am taking a breather. Just trying to process everything. I'm sorry if I keep going back and forth with all of this. 2
jlola Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 good luck MEE. Just keep your eyes open for words to match actions longterm. I have to agree with everyone else. His wife may not know this now, but one day she ill see ho lucky she is this man is no longer her problem. Something just did not ring right when he came along with his wife to tell you the relationship was over. His wife seemed very confident about her place in his heart. Why? What does he tell her? Serial cheater? Not good. We all want to think we are special and what they do to others, they will not do to us because this love is real. But remember,during the honeymoon period chemicals take over and we are over the moon. Serial cheaters are notorious for stepping out AFTER they have won the prize and the honeymoon stage is over and chemicals have subsided.
PhoenixRise Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Actually they do. I had more to say but realized that I was going in a thread jack direction quick so removed it. The OP has to decide what is right for her and I hope that you are doing ok today OP. It's hard to hear words you weren't expecting "out of nowhere" and I imagine it did shake the foundation of your world. Be gentle with yourself and if you feel like you need to talk to someone(counselor, etc) before making any decisions I think that's a great idea. Actually they do. I had more to say but realized that I was going in a thread jack direction quick so removed it. The OP has to decide what is right for her and I hope that you are doing ok today OP. It's hard to hear words you weren't expecting "out of nowhere" and I imagine it did shake the foundation of your world. Be gentle with yourself and if you feel like you need to talk to someone(counselor, etc) before making any decisions I think that's a great idea. I have been around these boards a long time and I have never seen other BS encourage a BS to stay in a situation where the WS is still cheating or not actively participating in a healthy reconciliation. I have never seen a situation where BS encourage each other to stay in a situation where the WS is knowingly actively openly throwing them under the bus. Many BS who post are anti reconciliation under any circumstance and those of us who did reconcile want to see healthy reconciliations ONLY. NO BS who regularly posts here would encourage a BS to stay under the circumstances MEE described. It would never happen. MEE I will give you the same advice I would give a BS. Posting about this situation. Have enough faith in yourself to step back and Focus on saving yourself first. You will make healthier decisions long term if you are deciding from a place of having being happy in your life. With or without him. You will make better decisions if you come from a place of strong self worth. Have enough faith in yourself to take the time to get to that place. Focus on getting yourself to a place of joy without him. IMO this is crucial. If he is sincere in wanting to change for the better he will still be there when you are ready and even better, if he is sincere while you are healing you, he will be doing the work needed so he will be ready to meet your new higher standards that you will automatically demand from any man who wants to be with you. It is hard advice to follow, but don't take him back because you think you need him to be happy. Be happy, and then decide if you want to take him back. And just for the record, I am a former BS. I did what I am advising you to do. Well I actually moved 100's of miles away from my former WS and I started building a kick a$$ life for myself without him. As much as I loved him, I got to a place of healing from the betrayal and being genuinely happy without him. Eventually we did reconcile but it sure as hell wasn't because of anything he said. It took actions. Big and consistent actions on his part (including him uprooting his life to be in the same city with me). You are worth more than words MEE. Words are cheap and easy to give. 3
georgia girl Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Its MEE, Gosh, I really wish I could help you right now. I do think it's a huge mistake to give this man another chance. First, he's not offering you anything different than what you had before. Thus, he's not offering to move forward with you in any way. Further, while that scene in the restaurant was highly orchestrated, it gives you tremendous insight into the future. He is not leaving and he is willing to do anything he has to do to ensure his place in the house. She is not leaving and she is indicating clearly that she will fight for her marriage. Further, the intimacy you witnessed - when she put her hand on his cheek - that's indicative of an intimate relationship. She feels comfortable touching him and now that the affair has been disclosed, I would hazard a guess that they're being very "touchy feely" at home. So, that leaves you. Someone who was mourning how you were treated and that the man in your life did not a) apologize for his part in the matter; b) own that you were hurt by the situation he set up in having the affair; c) help you mourn by taking time to be with you, listening to your feelings, letting you rant at him and taking it all on the chin; and d) create a pathway to assure you that he would never allow you to be hurt like that again. Instead, he doesn't own a bit of it. He starts flirting. Trying to engage you, flatter you, entice you... . He's not trying to earn his spot in a relationship with you. He's simply taking that spot with absolutely no responsibility to you. It's MEE, I would not encourage any woman to stay in this type of relationship. You're young and probably pretty darn beautiful. You sound pretty self-honest and you are smart enough to earn a promotion. Take this opportunity and see DDay as a tremendous opportunity to extricate yourself from a man you love but who has a pattern of hurting you. Then heal. Then, you can find the right man. Someone who will certainly hurt you from time to time, but he will own his actions, try to understand your hurt and make it up to you. And, as a T/J, I think LFH has a point about when reconciliations are encouraged in relationships. But, I would add that I don't think it's quite that black and white. First, I wouldn't encourage any spouse to stay in a marriage where someone truly doesn't reconcile after a DDay. (I personally wouldn't stay if there ever was a DDay, but that's me. I saw my parents do that dance and I just won't sign up for it. I know I'll live to love again.) In the same manner, I wouldn't encourage an OW to stay with an AP after a DDay if he didn't get out and choose her. For me, a DDay is where you see the WS's heart and mind. He either a) reconciles with his spouse, in effect choosing her; b) leaves to be with OW, in effect choosing her; or c) fakes reconciliation and continues on with OW, effectively choosing only himself and his own feelings and has a capricious disregard for anyone else's feelings. So yes, perhaps women are encouraged to walk away as an AP after a DDay when he doesn't leave. But so would I encourage a wife to do the same thing if he does.
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