Super long Movie worthy week of mine..

[Quiet Storm]

I would send the texts because you said you would, but I doubt they would change anything.

 

This MM is a master manipulator. He's charming and has a way with words. He knows what to say and how to say it. He can read people well and figures out how to play them.

 

He got you to believe that he loved you. You believed that even during the meeting with his wife. So it should be easy to understand why the wife believes that he loves her, too.

 

If he is serial cheater, it's possible that she views it like an addiction for him. She may not see the affairs as proof that he loves OW or doesn't love her, but as proof that her husband has a problem and needs help (which is true).

 

Affairs are addictive. People addicted to drugs lie, sneak & hurt their loved ones. An affair is a similar dynamic, except the high is not a drug, but the OW. A recovering addict often says of family members "I loved them during my addiction, but I did not act in loving ways". This is why many BS can reconcile and still feel loved by their spouse. The affair is not always taken personally by the spouse, but viewed as a problem within the WS that can be resolved.

 

You can send the texts, she will see them with her own eyes, but he will likley explain it away. Just like he always does. After the fact, many MM tell their wives the love & romance talk was just for effect, to get sex. Texts will prove that he had an affair and lied to his wife, but they won't prove that he wasn't lying to you, as well. All he has to say is "I didn't mean any of that. It was just a fantasy".

 

It's good that you now view him as pathetic and weak, because he is. Now when he comes back for more, and lays on the charm, or sends you texts, picture him as a weak, pathetic addict. Picture him down on the floor scrounging for crack rocks. Imagine that any text or attention you give him are the rocks, and that you just provide him with another hit.

 

When you look at MM in that light, anything attractive about him should fade away.

Edited May 31, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[DelusionalOne]

I've been busy all morning but I get moments where that ENTIRE night repeats in my head. His words, his posture, his eyes, his hair, shirt, etc. hers also. I am starting to pat myself on the back a little for even doing that. How humiliating.

 

As much as I hate to say it.... hold on to that memory. That will keep you strong in the up coming weeks when all sorts of emotions start flying around you. I still have the initial text xMOM sent me ... whenever I feel weak and weepy I read it... to remind me. To remind me how hurt and humiliated and rejected I felt. To remind me never to go back.

 

Right now.... numb is good. But that is going to pass. At some point you are going to get to super pissed. Make sure you know your true intentions before acting upon any thoughts of revenge that will pop up.... you don't want to reject anything later.

 

Even if you don't sleep. Just laying down and resting gets you something.

 

Take care and b/t/w you have got to be the toughest woman I know to meet with them both face to face. I know I would never have to guts to be ambushed like that.

[Finally Settled]

LFH the BW DID NOT insist on that "adorable" scene. The BW was trying to get to the truth. She asked the OW to send her the messages and she refused so then she asked for a meeting in the hopes that she could get the truth that way. She didn't get it because her husband blantanly lied to everyones faces and the OW is still withholding the proof from her. Yet the BW will be blamed for not knowing the truth eventhough everyone is lying to her and withholding the information she needs.

 

From the opening post: I got a text from her at 6:15 telling me "we have to meet... TONIGHT. Or I will be at your job in the morning." He called me telling me that she wanted him to also meet with us... So I agreed.

 

That seems quite insistent to me. If the betrayed wife had been interested in ascertaining the truth she would have arranged a meeting in a more amicable way, and she would have left her husband at home. The aim of this meeting was less to do with truth than to sending a message of unity to the other woman. Sadly, the one who should be upholding the unity was still pursuing the other woman within hours.

 

I do agree overall with other posters that the texts should have been sent to his wife, but that is a choice for the thread starter to make. It is quite obvious, at least to me, that by the wifes actions she has less interest in the truth than she does going back to what she considers normal. I actually now think that after such a meeting there is no need to share the texts. Other than making him squirm as he concocts his newest lies, they will change nothing.

[findingnemo]

Wow MEE, what a scene. I don't know how you got through that meeting. It was very brave of you and probably the wisest thing to do. You should be proud of yourself. While it all came about in a frenzied manner, I think you got to the bottom of the true situation in MM's life.

 

I wouldn't send those texts in your place. They no longer matter because you met face to face. The BW has enough evidence on which to base her decision. Either she stays M (because she has tood reasons whatever they are) or she leaves him (from your story you were so sure of MM's love that at some point the BW felt sorry for you and how you felt). The evidence that he had an A is overwhelming. But...What she thinks and does from now on is her problem, not yours. You have a right to change your mind even if at first you thought of proving the A to her using those texts.

 

Now you take it one day at a time...slowly and steadily. Three weeks will be difficult if in that time you allow your mind to remember "the good times". This kind of thinking is inevitable but fight it until you are transferred.

[ComingInHot]

Good morning NEW,

I'm Trying to look at a positive here...

When do you receive your "promotion" & transfer Out & Away from MM?!?!

 

It really is a blessing that neither one of you lost your job! That would've been awful for everyone, especially to the innocents in all this.

It, at least is Something to be thankful for*

Now go eat a cracker!!

[georgia girl]

Yep. THAT... is exactly what I was saying. She orchestrated it because she wanted to be vindictive and watch the OP squirm.

Hardly "sweet" behavior.

 

 

LFH, I agree with most of your post and even a little bit with this part because that may have been partly it. I think the larger motivating factor wasn't so much making the OW squirm but making the husband in front of her tell the OW that it was over. She probably had a pretty significant need to confirm that he was ending it and saying all of the things she needed to hear to start earning his trust back. So, perhaps seeing her "squirm" was a benefit or another aim, but I think the focus was on seeing him choose her, the W, in front of the other woman.

 

As we all know, it isn't over and the wife is being duped. That is tragically sad for all parties involved. What a jerk. He doesn't deserve either woman.

[Praying4Peace]

From the opening post: I got a text from her at 6:15 telling me "we have to meet... TONIGHT. Or I will be at your job in the morning." He called me telling me that she wanted him to also meet with us... So I agreed.

 

That seems quite insistent to me. If the betrayed wife had been interested in ascertaining the truth she would have arranged a meeting in a more amicable way, and she would have left her husband at home. The aim of this meeting was less to do with truth than to sending a message of unity to the other woman. Sadly, the one who should be upholding the unity was still pursuing the other woman within hours.

 

I do agree overall with other posters that the texts should have been sent to his wife, but that is a choice for the thread starter to make. It is quite obvious, at least to me, that by the wifes actions she has less interest in the truth than she does going back to what she considers normal. I actually now think that after such a meeting there is no need to share the texts. Other than making him squirm as he concocts his newest lies, they will change nothing.

 

Wow, Finally...this was very insightful. It's so true that it wasn't a fact finding mission. I had to meet with both my MM and BW a few times and now that I think about it, that's what it was. Having him say things to me to my face (and he did a bad job, but he did it). I never said a word about him even when there were blatant lies in the room. Wrong or right? Doesn't matter. She knew enough. Details weren't going to make a difference and only be embarrassing.

 

The texts that MEE has also contain her private thoughts and emotions, not just his. That's something she might not want to share. Then the BW can spread it around, etc. etc. MEE doesn't need anymore hurt.

[Praying4Peace]

What I don't understand is how this earns any trust. This just proves that you can make someone act like a puppet, and physically watch him actively hurt another person. Like.. sit there and watch it unfold in front of you as he crafts words designed to do nothing but cause her pain.

 

Why would someone want to be with a person that CAN do that?

 

I know the question will be thrown back, that if you're with a cheater they are intentionally causing pain too, and we are "watching" it, but that's not really true. I don't want him tell her lies, I don't ask for a front row seat to her tears if there are any, and while there may be lies, they aren't being crafted with the intention of hurting someone. They are crafted out of selfishness and a desire to get what one may want for themselves, but it isn't that they are chosen solely to cut.

 

Affairs are so messy.

 

It was to ensure that if her H was lying about his intentions/feelings about ending it with MEE, then MEE would end it with him based on his behavior. That way if he tries to go back, MEE would be pissed enough to say NO. The BW in my situation knew her H was a liar and had come back at least several times and that I always accepted him back (I'm an idiot). She knew she had to get me to hate him in order for there to be a better chance of ending the A.

 

Yeah, so messy and degrading for everyone involved.

[thecharade]

What does MM get? Validation. He must be wonderful if women are willing to subject themselves to this humiliation for him.

 

What does MEE get? The anger she needs to move away from these dysfunctional people. Read 'Getting Past Your Breakup.' It is very helpful in figuring out how you got here and how you'll get out. It's healing.

 

What does the W get? Sheesh, no idea. Certainly no rest or peace or security or sanity since getting rid of MEE solves nothing. She's still married to her problem.

 

Good luck, MEE. You can and will recover. I'm 75% of the way there, so can see the light and know it's possible.

[Its_MEE]

I have been creepily awaiting your response here also! Thank you...

 

I wanted to update you all..

I'm really sad this afternoon but! I'm making some hamburger helper (lol) getting us dressed and goin out for ice cream and park time...

 

After I replied yesterday.. I was going back into work, he again was walking out and stops me.. Said "I have a question or you.." Asks me something realllly stupid about work. I knew he was just trying to talk so I didn't even look at him and answered the question.. I started to walk away and he says.." I have another question. What are you doing this weekend. I need to talk to you" I say

"I have NOTHING to talk to you about"... W.T.F.

He said, I'll call you. If you're willing to meet me I really have something to talk to you about....

Jeesussssssss.

I just left his sight.

I really have nothing else to discuss with him but what could it be???????

First thing that came to mind was... This M'Fer is gonna ask that I please delete the messages.

I don't know. I don't know. But what is going on???

He's hurting. I see it. But idgaf.

[thecharade]

Please dgaf. Please. Just care about you, you, you. He has shown you who he is and that he is willing to crush your soul.

 

There are degrees of criminal behavior, mental instability, sin and . . . dysfunction. These people, both of them, are playing out their marital needs/drama by using you as their pawn. Don't let them.

[Praying4Peace]

I have been creepily awaiting your response here also! Thank you...

 

I wanted to update you all..

I'm really sad this afternoon but! I'm making some hamburger helper (lol) getting us dressed and goin out for ice cream and park time...

 

After I replied yesterday.. I was going back into work, he again was walking out and stops me.. Said "I have a question or you.." Asks me something realllly stupid about work. I knew he was just trying to talk so I didn't even look at him and answered the question.. I started to walk away and he says.." I have another question. What are you doing this weekend. I need to talk to you" I say

"I have NOTHING to talk to you about"... W.T.F.

He said, I'll call you. If you're willing to meet me I really have something to talk to you about....

Jeesussssssss.

I just left his sight.

I really have nothing else to discuss with him but what could it be???????

First thing that came to mind was... This M'Fer is gonna ask that I please delete the messages.

I don't know. I don't know. But what is going on???

He's hurting. I see it. But idgaf.

 

I'm guessing he wants to apologize to ease his guilt. Tell that you don't want to speak to him in person (if he approaches you again, not now!) and to send you an email with whatever he needs to say and you might read it. Then you have written evidence too.

[DelusionalOne]

I have been creepily awaiting your response here also! Thank you...

 

I wanted to update you all..

I'm really sad this afternoon but! I'm making some hamburger helper (lol) getting us dressed and goin out for ice cream and park time...

 

After I replied yesterday.. I was going back into work, he again was walking out and stops me.. Said "I have a question or you.." Asks me something realllly stupid about work. I knew he was just trying to talk so I didn't even look at him and answered the question.. I started to walk away and he says.." I have another question. What are you doing this weekend. I need to talk to you" I say

"I have NOTHING to talk to you about"... W.T.F.

He said, I'll call you. If you're willing to meet me I really have something to talk to you about....

Jeesussssssss.

I just left his sight.

I really have nothing else to discuss with him but what could it be???????

First thing that came to mind was... This M'Fer is gonna ask that I please delete the messages.

I don't know. I don't know. But what is going on???

He's hurting. I see it. But idgaf.

 

GEEZE don't you LOVE the really stupid work questions?!?!?!? I got a couple of those myself.

 

Ok,I'm going to be a jerk here but I am doing it for a reason. Remember how you felt sitting across from him and his wife. Remember the look on his face. Hold that in your mind..... so that you can say "F*#! You" when he calls...and he will call.

 

You have seen what he will do. You did not imagine it. You are not playing "What if..."...you have seen it with your own eyes. There is nothing he can say that is going to erase that or make it better. Not that he isn't going to try... that's why you have to remember it.

 

Be done. Completely.

[Goodbye]

I have been creepily awaiting your response here also! Thank you...

 

I wanted to update you all..

I'm really sad this afternoon but! I'm making some hamburger helper (lol) getting us dressed and goin out for ice cream and park time...

 

After I replied yesterday.. I was going back into work, he again was walking out and stops me.. Said "I have a question or you.." Asks me something realllly stupid about work. I knew he was just trying to talk so I didn't even look at him and answered the question.. I started to walk away and he says.." I have another question. What are you doing this weekend. I need to talk to you" I say

"I have NOTHING to talk to you about"... W.T.F.

He said, I'll call you. If you're willing to meet me I really have something to talk to you about....

Jeesussssssss.

I just left his sight.

I really have nothing else to discuss with him but what could it be???????

First thing that came to mind was... This M'Fer is gonna ask that I please delete the messages.

I don't know. I don't know. But what is going on???

He's hurting. I see it. But idgaf.

 

 

Tell him you'd be happy to hear what he has to say and you'll look forward to meeting up with him AND HIS WIFE.

[justwhoiam]

Mee, I didn't understand how the meeting turned against you. I don't know your story, I only read the posts in this thread. But I assume that he told you reasons why he was not leaving his wife, prior to this sort of D-day, didn't he?

So, you had to hold the reins of the meeting, by looking him in the eyes and saying: do you remember when you told me you couldn't leave your wife because... (you fill in the gaps: you didn't love her, you were not in love with her anymore, you didn't want to lose your house, etc.)

And you should have added a lot of intimate information that he disclosed about him and his wife, so that she had a clear idea of how close you were to him and how wrong her perceptions about her husband are.

 

So, did you do that? Or you were just being asked to answer their questions? You came across as a very weak person, and the wife probably got the impression it was more you being after him that the other way round. It was her way to say: "Do you see that you just made up castles in the air for yourself? He just took his chance with you, which is not a honorable thing to do... but he still loves me, and it was a moment of weakness when he had sex with you. Then, as he's a nice person, he had a hard time dropping you, because he didn't want to hurt you."

 

Your behavior was consistent with her theory, so everything reaffirmed her thoughts. You had a big chance with that meeting, but I guess you didn't use it well, due to anxiety and the awkwardness... plus it was 2 against 1, and pretty unfair.

 

I guess you can talk to your boss and ask if he can give you other 3 weeks off before your vacation, and ask him if he can deduct those days from your future off time.

 

Make sure you change your home landline number, if you have one, and change your cell phone number.

 

At the beginning of July, start anew with your new colleagues.

[Goodbye]

Mee, I didn't understand how the meeting turned against you. I don't know your story, I only read the posts in this thread. But I assume that he told you reasons why he was not leaving his wife, prior to this sort of D-day, didn't he?

So, you had to hold the reins of the meeting, by looking him in the eyes and saying: do you remember when you told me you couldn't leave your wife because... (you fill in the gaps: you didn't love her, you were not in love with her anymore, you didn't want to lose your house, etc.)

And you should have added a lot of intimate information that he disclosed about him and his wife, so that she had a clear idea of how close you were to him and how wrong her perceptions about her husband are.

 

So, did you do that? Or you were just being asked to answer their questions? You came across as a very weak person, and the wife probably got the impression it was more you being after him that the other way round. It was her way to say: "Do you see that you just made up castles in the air for yourself? He just took his chance with you, which is not a honorable thing to do... but he still loves me, and it was a moment of weakness when he had sex with you. Then, as he's a nice person, he had a hard time dropping you, because he didn't want to hurt you."

 

Your behavior was consistent with her theory, so everything reaffirmed her thoughts. You had a big chance with that meeting, but I guess you didn't use it well, due to anxiety and the awkwardness... plus it was 2 against 1, and pretty unfair.

 

I guess you can talk to your boss and ask if he can give you other 3 weeks off before your vacation, and ask him if he can deduct those days from your future off time.

 

Make sure you change your home landline number, if you have one, and change your cell phone number.

 

At the beginning of July, start anew with your new colleagues.

 

 

While I agree that the meeting COULD have been used by the OP to further "out" her AP about the painful realities of what a crap H he is; that would have taken a lot of preparation and nerves of steel. I think the OP was blindsided, and frankly, her nerves were shot being in the company of exMM and W. I can't say I blame her...sounds like she handled it the best she could.

 

Going forward, I hope if he persists, she will really out him in the form of giving W emails and texts. This man is an unbelievably brazen guy.

[Its_MEE]

People......

 

He told me today...

"I can't be without you its scary how much i love you. I am so sorry for what I did to you and I understand if you hate me. But I'm asking her for a divorce this week. Even if you never forgive me. I'm making this decision for me"..... Among other things. Wtf is thissss???!

 

I should hate him. I should not even be thinking about this.

[Goodbye]

People......

 

He told me today...

"I can't be without you its scary how much i love you. I am so sorry for what I did to you and I understand if you hate me. But I'm asking her for a divorce this week. Even if you never forgive me. I'm making this decision for me"..... Among other things. Wtf is thissss???!

 

I should hate him. I should not even be thinking about this.

 

 

Wow. How did he tell you this? In person? What did you say? Do you still love him?

[Its_MEE]

How would I EVER get over what's been done?

I know it wasn't her who proposed this. I know. It's him now realizing...

 

BUT he did it..... Broke my heart out in the open. Do I not have self respect??? Why do I feel a sense of relief? What if wrong here? Please.... Help me out. This ish is crazy. Don't judge me. I'm throwing out all my honesty.

[Its_MEE]

Wow. How did he tell you this? In person? What did you say? Do you still love him?

 

Goodbye,

He told me all this in person. As soon as I walked into work. I had no chance to escape. He just threw it out there. I was panicked a little and speechless. But I old him how I felt... I told him that last weeks events f'ed me up. He knows tht. He knew then. We both knew even when ish wa hitting the fan that he loves me. And that it wouldn't be that simple. I told him that I'm hurt, and that I see him in a way I never thought he was. And that he needs to be SURE that this decision is for HIM because I don't know if I can ever forgive him. No one has ever hurt me like that and humiliated me like that. He cried. I did not. I told him I don feel sorry for him. And that he has to figure it out and give me a minute.

 

Goodbye, I love this man. So much. I know in all my posts he sounds like this egotistical maniac. He may be. But yes. I love him. Wtf do I do now.? I am so incredibly hurt. Because... You love me... I know(I think).. So why would you do that.?

[Goodbye]

I get your feelings of relief. He basically took the love you had and smashed it...and now he is admitting the feelings were real. Still, there are no promises now. Does his wife know he contacted you? Maybe you should let him know that he shouldn't leave his wife for YOU.

[HopingAgain]

I wonder if at this point, you realize that this man is a Sociopath?

 

With this latest "revelation" this morning, is it not yet crystal clear that he derives intense pleasure from hurting and twisting the emotions of you and his wife at once? Not only should you disregard anything he says, you should file for a restraining order. He is dangerously sick....

[Praying4Peace]

Goodbye,

He told me all this in person. As soon as I walked into work. I had no chance to escape. He just threw it out there. I was panicked a little and speechless. But I old him how I felt... I told him that last weeks events f'ed me up. He knows tht. He knew then. We both knew even when ish wa hitting the fan that he loves me. And that it wouldn't be that simple. I told him that I'm hurt, and that I see him in a way I never thought he was. And that he needs to be SURE that this decision is for HIM because I don't know if I can ever forgive him. No one has ever hurt me like that and humiliated me like that. He cried. I did not. I told him I don feel sorry for him. And that he has to figure it out and give me a minute.

 

Goodbye, I love this man. So much. I know in all my posts he sounds like this egotistical maniac. He may be. But yes. I love him. Wtf do I do now.? I am so incredibly hurt. Because... You love me... I know(I think).. So why would you do that.?

 

Don't you love him? He was put in a very awkward position. As someone who was married during her affair, it is very hard to be in front of both your spouse and your AP. That could make a lion buckle and surrender. Why do you hate him if he's trying to do this for you?

 

You need to just use your judgement on this. These things are never not messy (except for Mount's case:)). Forgive him if you want, that's not crazy, it's love. Use your own mind. Do not just follow blindly what people on an internet forum say about what you should or should not feel.

 

BUT- tell him that you love him and forgive him but you need to see action and until then please let you go because if he changes his mind again it'll make things easier. Don't give any dates or ultimatums. And very limited contact. Do not do anything physical with him no matter what.

 

Trust your heart

[HopingAgain]

Goodbye,

He told me all this in person. As soon as I walked into work. I had no chance to escape. He just threw it out there. I was panicked a little and speechless. But I old him how I felt... I told him that last weeks events f'ed me up. He knows tht. He knew then. We both knew even when ish wa hitting the fan that he loves me. And that it wouldn't be that simple. I told him that I'm hurt, and that I see him in a way I never thought he was. And that he needs to be SURE that this decision is for HIM because I don't know if I can ever forgive him. No one has ever hurt me like that and humiliated me like that. He cried. I did not. I told him I don feel sorry for him. And that he has to figure it out and give me a minute.

 

Goodbye, I love this man. So much. I know in all my posts he sounds like this egotistical maniac. He may be. But yes. I love him. Wtf do I do now.? I am so incredibly hurt. Because... You love me... I know(I think).. So why would you do that.?

 

I had a friend in a situation like yours. Her boyfriend cheated and he constantly was having meetings with her and his OW and EVERYTIME he would humiliate the OW telling her in front of his girlfriend that he didn't want OW. He strung her along like a puppet for years, long after the girlfriend left. He wound up with another woman still cheating with original OW on the side.

 

Men like this don't love anyone. They look at women as TOYS not people. I can promise just from all you've told us he doesn't love you...he's a player!

[whichwayisup]

Here here!

 

Mee, why don't you just send her the texts that you told her you would send her? It seems like you're just messing with her by not sending them when you said you would

 

DO send her the texts. Meet up with her one on one and go show her. Also, let her know what he's said below, about divorcing.

 

People......

 

He told me today...

"I can't be without you its scary how much i love you. I am so sorry for what I did to you and I understand if you hate me. But I'm asking her for a divorce this week. Even if you never forgive me. I'm making this decision for me"..... Among other things. Wtf is thissss???!

 

I should hate him. I should not even be thinking about this.

 

You mean, you're considering taking him back if he does divorce his wife? IF this is the case, please do get counseling. This man is a total scumbag and the way he's treated his wife, treated you, is so so so so shi.tty! Why on earth you (if you are considering) want him is beyond me. the guy is a proven liar, a cheat and is a serial cheater. I wouldn't be surprised if he has STD's.