just my take on the whole phenomenon

[thecharade]

BWs are as stupid as OW?

Or is it that women value keeping their man over anything else or any woman, including themselves . . . and men value themselves over all women, too???

 

Here's the deal/question (and I am generalizing the EMAs we typically read about here, so I'm leaving out exceptions): why do OW deserve whatever payback the BW decides on while their WH does not?? (Well, she decides his payback is IC and loving her better, as if that's punishment.) If the OW loses her M and deserves it, why does the BW allow her H to keep his M? Where's his karma? Oh, BWs will talk about him getting his lumps, except he's "doing the work" so it's different, yet that never seems enough for them when it comes to the OW. In all honesty, doesn't the BW stay because she "loves her H" and values him over her principles? But wait, isn't that why the OW slept with an MM, because she loved him and believed him and wanted him, valuing him over her principles? Yep. It's a win/win for most men, as they sit back and watch the women duke it out.

 

My EMA has been over for 10 months, ended by me. He still "loves me" and writes me and drives by my house, but I decided I wanted nothing to do with his variety of love. I am not his W's enemy--her H is (even though she doesn't know). I've never said one unkind word about her and never saw us as rivals. But he invited me into his life and showered me with love and attention. I stupidly believed it meant he was choosing me. He obviously didn't want his W based on his blatant disregard and disrespect, so our R seemed real. How did I "cause" the R? By breathing? Existing? No, absolutely not. BWs feel there should be a shield around their Hs; yes, your H should erect the shield! But no, they behave warmly and openly. If he has no affection for his W, why would I suppose it really exists? Because it doesn't. He loves his BW like he loves his mom. It's respectful, but he appears done with the M, and we meet people as we find them. He acted done with his M, I followed his lead and believed. For awhile.

 

And so it goes on. I feel the OW has only been slightly stupid thus far, but that does change. The slights begin to add up. Things don't feel right, like he made us believe. Two and two are not making four. What is going on? Love doesn't look like this. If we're wise, we end it then, which I did. But it hurts and it's hard and it's dysfunctional and it's not like any other R we've been in, so we may not wise up quickly. The MM continues living large. Life is good!

 

Then DDay. The BW says, "Leave!" But he begs. Hey, men are practical creatures and throwing it all away is not exactly a sound decision. She believes him. She hides behind their shared history, but DDay can be their wedding night and the BS will still offer "the gift of reconciliation." To themselves! They want their man more than their dignity. And men know this! HB like crazy. "Please, don't leave me." Sure, he needs to find his 'why' and such, but no real consequence ever appears. He keeps his mommy and the BW convinces herself of whatever to sooth her soul. Another win/win for Mr. Man!

 

And the OW who loved, believed, trusted, lost? Well, she deserves any and all venom, the tramp. Lost job, lost M, FB blast, public hanging, genital mutilation. No punishment is too severe! Stupid OW. Yes, we were completely stupid without a doubt. We literally did not know any better, did not know people could act like this. But the other half of the equation are stupid BSs. Women accept men that hurt them and then simply blame each other. The OW was invited into the H's life with his love and kindness and attention. And we believed he knew what he wanted because he HAD the BS already and didn't seem interested in her. We were thinking with our idiotic hearts, not our heads. And we are to blame? For loving people who seemed to love us? That actually about the most normal, predictable thing I've ever heard. How does a BW not blame themselves for the same crime, of loving when they shouldn't or it isn't deserved?

 

A spouse is not a possession, he/she is a person. They project ideas or DON'T project ideas. Why don't you hold that spouse SOLELY responsible? Maybe if women divorced all cheating spouses ASAP, groveling or not, the men would stop 'projecting' selfish messages whenever it suited them. Maybe we need to NEVER, EVER discuss or mention or care about the OW and simply talk WS, WS, WS. You can't control billions of women, but you ought to be able to trust one chosen, special man. And if you can't, it's on HIM and him alone. He didn't hurt one woman, he hurt two, and we hurt women only have ourselves to blame.

[sweet_pea]

 

A spouse is not a possession, he/she is a person. They project ideas or DON'T project ideas. Why don't you hold that spouse SOLELY responsible? Maybe if women divorced all cheating spouses ASAP, groveling or not, the men would stop 'projecting' selfish messages whenever it suited them. Maybe we need to NEVER, EVER discuss or mention or care about the OW and simply talk WS, WS, WS. You can't control billions of women, but you ought to be able to trust one chosen, special man. And if you can't, it's on HIM and him alone. He didn't hurt one woman, he hurt two, and we hurt women only have ourselves to blame.

 

Because you can't have an affair by yourself.....

Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[krazikat]

BWs are as stupid as OW?

Or is it that women value keeping their man over anything else or any woman, including themselves . . . and men value themselves over all women, too???

 

Here's the deal/question (and I am generalizing the EMAs we typically read about here, so I'm leaving out exceptions): why do OW deserve whatever payback the BW decides on while their WH does not?? (Well, she decides his payback is IC and loving her better, as if that's punishment.) If the OW loses her M and deserves it, why does the BW allow her H to keep his M? Where's his karma? Oh, BWs will talk about him getting his lumps, except he's "doing the work" so it's different, yet that never seems enough for them when it comes to the OW. In all honesty, doesn't the BW stay because she "loves her H" and values him over her principles? But wait, isn't that why the OW slept with an MM, because she loved him and believed him and wanted him, valuing him over her principles? Yep. It's a win/win for most men, as they sit back and watch the women duke it out.

<snip>

And the OW who loved, believed, trusted, lost? Well, she deserves any and all venom, the tramp. Lost job, lost M, FB blast, public hanging, genital mutilation. No punishment is too severe! Stupid OW. Yes, we were completely stupid without a doubt. We literally did not know any better, did not know people could act like this. But the other half of the equation are stupid BSs. Women accept men that hurt them and then simply blame each other. The OW was invited into the H's life with his love and kindness and attention. And we believed he knew what he wanted because he HAD the BS already and didn't seem interested in her. We were thinking with our idiotic hearts, not our heads. And we are to blame? For loving people who seemed to love us? That actually about the most normal, predictable thing I've ever heard. How does a BW not blame themselves for the same crime, of loving when they shouldn't or it isn't deserved?

 

A spouse is not a possession, he/she is a person. They project ideas or DON'T project ideas. Why don't you hold that spouse SOLELY responsible? Maybe if women divorced all cheating spouses ASAP, groveling or not, the men would stop 'projecting' selfish messages whenever it suited them. Maybe we need to NEVER, EVER discuss or mention or care about the OW and simply talk WS, WS, WS. You can't control billions of women, but you ought to be able to trust one chosen, special man. And if you can't, it's on HIM and him alone. He didn't hurt one woman, he hurt two, and we hurt women only have ourselves to blame.

 

Well, as a BS I agree with some of what you said...as far as the WA hurting 2 people...and some of the behaviors from all sides, wrought with raw emotion and pain, can lead to questionable behavior and acceptance of what should be unacceptable...however...assuming the WA looks at BS as their mommy is naive thinking.

 

Some may feel that way, but when you have a BS that has been kept in the dark, that is not stupidity, even when BS senses something different with the WS, there are so many other things in life besides an A that could explain the behavior. And the infidelity threads show that.

 

Also, the AP essentially has one up on the BS during the affair...they KNOW the WS is cheating, BS typically does not know this. WS is telling BS they love them, denying cheating on them, in some cases if BS suspects something and confronts AP, many times AP also lies to BS and denies the A.

 

BS is typically furious with WS when dday happens...and WS doesn't get a free pass. The ones who seem to believe they do is the AP, who does not know what is truly happening in the M. And if the AP had denied any A, or, even worse, attacked BS after dday (as my h fow did) then BS has every right to be pissed off at the AP.

 

In my situation, I asked ow how long the A had been going on...her response was to ask me if I liked the taste of her p***y and other disgusting comments. That's when I became pissed at her...and I eventually had to block her from contacting me.

 

Fact is, if someone becomes involved with a mm, they are putting themselves in a position to be hurt. There is no comparison between AP and BS.

 

BS doesn't know about it, when they find out they are devastated. Point blank, they had no say in the A. It may feel better to try and place blame with the BS when the shyte hits the fan, but to try and put BS and AP on same playing field is simply not accurate.

 

The talk of FB blasts, telling people, etc. is not typically to shame AP but a way to bring the A from the dark and get support.

 

There are known consequences if an A comes to light, a variety of things can happen. So of ones knowingly participates in an A, then be prepared for a dday, and the aftermath. BS owes AP nothing. Why does BS matter after dday when there was no concern of BS before dday?

Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Brevity

[ComingInHot]

thecharade wrote, " why do OW deserve whatever payback the BW decides on while their WH does not?? (Well, she decides his payback is IC and loving her better, as if that's punishment.) If the OW loses her M and deserves it, why does the BW allow her H to keep his M? Where's his karma? Oh, BWs will talk about him getting his lumps, except he's "doing the work" so it's different, yet that never seems enough for them when it comes to the OW. In all honesty, doesn't the BW stay because she "loves her H" and values him over her principles? But wait, isn't that why the OW slept with an MM, because she loved him and believed him and wanted him, valuing him over her principles? Yep. It's a win/win for most men, as they sit back and watch the women duke it out.

 

My EMA has been over for 10 months, ended by me. He still "loves me" and writes me and drives by my house, but I decided I wanted nothing to do with his variety of love. I am not his W's enemy--her H is (even though she doesn't know). I've never said one unkind word about her and never saw us as rivals. But he invited me into his life and showered me with love and attention. I stupidly believed it meant he was choosing me. He obviously didn't want his W based on his blatant disregard and disrespect, so our R seemed real. How did I "cause" the R? By breathing? Existing? No, absolutely not. BWs feel there should be a shield around their Hs; yes, your H should erect the shield! But no, they behave warmly and openly. If he has no affection for his W, why would I suppose it really exists? Because it doesn't. He loves his BW like he loves his mom. It's respectful, but he appears done with the M, and we meet people as we find them. He acted done with his M, I followed his lead and believed. For awhile.

 

And so it goes on. I feel the OW has only been slightly stupid thus far, but that does change. The slights begin to add up. Things don't feel right, like he made us believe. Two and two are not making four. What is going on? Love doesn't look like this. If we're wise, we end it then, which I did. But it hurts and it's hard and it's dysfunctional and it's not like any other R we've been in, so we may not wise up quickly. The MM continues living large. Life is good!

 

Then DDay. The BW says, "Leave!" But he begs. Hey, men are practical creatures and throwing it all away is not exactly a sound decision. She believes him. She hides behind their shared history, but DDay can be their wedding night and the BS will still offer "the gift of reconciliation." To themselves! They want their man more than their dignity. And men know this! HB like crazy. "Please, don't leave me." Sure, he needs to find his 'why' and such, but no real consequence ever appears. He keeps his mommy and the BW convinces herself of whatever to sooth her soul. Another win/win for Mr. Man!

 

And the OW who loved, believed, trusted, lost? Well, she deserves any and all venom, the tramp. Lost job, lost M, FB blast, public hanging, genital mutilation. No punishment is too severe! Stupid OW. Yes, we were completely stupid without a doubt. We literally did not know any better, did not know people could act like this. But the other half of the equation are stupid BSs. Women accept men that hurt them and then simply blame each other. The OW was invited into the H's life with his love and kindness and attention. And we believed he knew what he wanted because he HAD the BS already and didn't seem interested in her. We were thinking with our idiotic hearts, not our heads. And we are to blame? For loving people who seemed to love us? That actually about the most normal, predictable thing I've ever heard. How does a BW not blame themselves for the same crime, of loving when they shouldn't or it isn't deserved?

 

A spouse is not a possession, he/she is a person. They project ideas or DON'T project ideas. Why don't you hold that spouse SOLELY responsible? Maybe if women divorced all cheating spouses ASAP, groveling or not, the men would stop 'projecting' selfish messages whenever it suited them. Maybe we need to NEVER, EVER discuss or mention or care about the OW and simply talk WS, WS, WS. You can't control billions of women, but you ought to be able to trust one chosen, special man. And if you can't, it's on HIM and him alone. He didn't hurt one woman, he hurt two, and we hurt women only have ourselves to blame."

 

The charade, by the time I finished reading this, The music had swelled to its peek, and I jumped to my feet in a standing 'O'! Some of the best single-minded perspective rationalizing then minimizing their role in enabling, supporting, justifying the A while creating a pocket they can step into as their new role aka "victim".

As w/most things, I Do see a couple points where I agree, However, the monologue is lacking in depth and lack of perception from not understanding more the two other roles beyond what you think and/or feel after DDay/s and after the A ends, for real.

 

Honestly, if what you say is true, you need to have a cease/desist letter written w/one copy sent to you & another sent to the authorities to have on file so if a RO is needed, it can happen asap.*

[whichwayisup]

why do OW deserve whatever payback the BW decides on while their WH does not??

 

The WS has his/her own hell to pay, chances are the WS doesn't spill the beans about his/her sufferings and consquences to their exAP.

 

Loss of respect and trust is HUGE. Knowing that you (the WS) turned their spouses lives upside down and ruined everything by cheating, hurting the person they married in the worst possible way is nothing to be sneezed at.

 

Do you not think that's a huge consquence? Along with other family members finding out, maybe losing friends and possibly people taking sides? An OW or OM has no clue or idea what goes on after D-day.

[whichwayisup]

How does a BW not blame themselves for the same crime, of loving when they shouldn't or it isn't deserved?

 

I can tell you're hurting and very resentful of your exMM's wife. So, instead of painting ALL BS's with the same brush, focus on the BS in your situation, this way you'll get more honest and better responses by others and not defensive remarks since what you've said can insult some on here.

 

Anyway, the jist of it is, you knew going in he was married, he chose to cheat, you willingly went ahead. His wife is married to him, not you so therefore there IS an obligation and a vow to live up to. And, people have the right to change their minds about affairs! He was never committed to you, never said vows so it being an affair, he always had an out.

 

Affairs are messy and everybody gets hurt!!

[findingnemo]

The Charade, that was a very honest post. Honest, as in, truthful about how you feel. However, not all As and Ms are the same. The problem with looking at the whole world of Ms and As rather than looking at your own (M or A) is that your arguments make sense in a universal sense that hardly helps you (general) sort through your particular issues. Some of what you say is true. BS' sometimes focus on the APs, just as APs sometimes focus on the BS'. So many things I agree with. A number of things, though, simply take away from taking personal responsibility.

 

Some things stand out in your post:

 

1) WS' realize that they have a lot to lose if they leave their Ms: yes they do. They are being practical and in most cases their assessment is correct. So they choose what's best for them. They stay M. Why shouldn't they?

 

2) That "gift" of R you refer to is a gift to whom exactly? Is it really a gift that the BS' bestows willingly and with love? R is a painful process in which the BS' spends a lot of time agonizing over whether it is worth it or not. Painful stuff.

 

3) Holding the WS solely responsible is what happens most of the time. It's only when the AP continues to involve him/herself in the M that the BS gets angry in most cases.

 

I could go on dissecting your post but I have to dash. At the end of the day, everyone has to bear the consequences of their actions. The WS who strayed, the BS who trusted and the AP who knew his/her lover was M but believed the lies and fantasy any way. But this is in reference to As in which the WS stays M. There are those where he/she leaves the M and then no one is stupid, right?

 

You can't control how millions of people think, even how one person thinks or feels. Universal arguments serve the purpose of discussion. I've never found them to help me in my particular problems. It's not a competition over who is more or less stupid and it shouldn't be. That's just a colossal waste of time, IMO.

 

Hope you stay and work through your feelings.

[underwater2010]

The funny part about this whole story...you knew he was married. Therefore you are partially to blame. Just as your exMM is partially to blame.

 

The only exception for me is when the OW is lied to and ends it as soon as she finds out the truth.

 

The karma bus does hit the MM. My husband lost a job not to long after. He has seen the light leave my eyes....it is starting to come back.

 

Do yourself a favor and focus on healing your own hurt. Leave them to pick up the pieces you helped scatter, if they can.

 

I am that BW you are speaking of. I too have a history with my FWH. We also have kids. This is his chance to prove himself. If you think that is pathetic, I am sorry but I owe to myself and the kids.

 

By the way, if women would not be willing to bed MM, then affairs would not happen. Just the same as if MM never approached OW. It works both ways.

 

You, generalized, don't get to walk around hurting other people just because you are "in love" or "unhappy". And when you hurt someone, you should admit the wrong and ask for forgiveness. Not hide behind excuses.

[mercy]

thecharade, this is the best post I have ever read. Thank you!

[WakingUp]

Actually I thought it was brilliant too.

 

Please keep posting the charade! It was very thought provoking and honest.

 

Thank you.

[waterwoman]

So,let me get this straight... if a BW decides to try to reconcile with her WH rather than throw everything away, she is stupid? Bearing in mind d-day will be the first she has heard about how bad her marriage apparently is. So, WH and OW get to dictate when BS' marriage ends and when her life gets turned upside down. And if she fails to accept this she is stupid.....hmm. ok:rolleyes:

 

I will decide when and if our reconciliation is successful and when and if to throw in the towel. It has f@ck all to do with OW and her opinion of my intelligence indignity. FWIW I don't blame her. She saw what she thought she wanted and went for it. H was to blame for responding. I may not like her b behaviour but I know exactly who was in the wrong from my perspective.

 

Charade - why are you so angry with her? You say its all his fault but your whole post is about what she did wrong

[anne1707]

I can promise you OP that the scenario you describe is absolutely nothing like how it was for me as a fWS when dday hit and my H and I agreed to reconcile. Nothing like it at all.

[Finally Settled]

I also thought this was a very interesting post. Unlike Ann1707 the treatment of the wayward spouse described in the opening post is very much how I was treated. I entered into the affair with no intention of leaving my exwife, but I will fully admit it was a calculated risk and she reacted as I had expected her to. There are any number of sites on the internet that make the claim a betrayed wife will take back their wayward husband, so I don't believe she reacted very differently to most other betrayed wives. In fairness to her, her reasons for remaining in the marriage mirrored my own.

 

I also agree that it was my responsibility to protect my marriage, and I did not. I invited my other woman into my life and I made several years worth of decisions to keep her there. After I was discovered I then made the decision to seek her out again. The blame was mine as I was one of the two people on earth who should have been guarding the marriage.

 

One poster said that they could read the pain in your post and also the resentment for your married mans wife. I don't see resentment for her in your post. I see questions as to why women choose to see each other as the enemies rather than the one who has created and perpetuated the harm. I understand that and agree with it.

[Athens]

Interesting post

 

I do not believe you are blameless and that the WS is fully to blame, both knew the deal going in. BS have the situation thrust upon them, they have no choice in the matter. The decision to reconcile is not an easy one, nor is the reconciliation process. If all BS threw out the WS,there would not be less affairs, there would be more divorces and possibly more affairs as maybe more would be willing to have an affair knowing in the end they had a shot at their AP.

 

I do think that as women, we do allow ourselves to be overly invested in others, which leaves us vulnerable. There are so many wrecked women on this site and its sad. The one thing I have learned through this process, I am a BS, is that I need to be strong for ME. I need to be ready to deal with the consequences of others actions as well as my own. I have become more focused on me and I am better for it, not only in my marriage but at work, with friends, etc... I am happier. My motto: "Strong enough to stay, strong enough to leave" - the power belongs to me.

[Finally Settled]

just as you made your choice, so did your other woman. Unless you lied to her and told her you weren't married, she made the choice to be with a married man.

If she was a fully capable adult, then she must, on some level, have known what she was getting herself in to.

None of this negates your actions, her pain, or any of the fallout from your affair. What it does mean is that in more than a few affairs, the other woman or other man) is no victim of forces beyond there control. They go into the affair fully and freely, sadly, many go in with their "eyes wide shut", then they suffer through all the pain that an affair can entail. They don't deserve this kind of hurt...no one does.

 

I don't believe I ever said she wasn't fully aware of the situation. I believe the difference between your point of view and mine is this--I find the person who betrayed all those they were meant to protect to be the one and only party deserving of blame for the hurt in the affair. I could have not pursued my other woman, I could have ended it at any time, I could have been a proper husband and not chosen years of lying to someone who deserved nothing but loyalty and protection from me. You are most welcome to blame whomever you choose, but in my eyes the party who has full responsibility for the hurt put onto my family was me.

 

When I told my exwife that I was leaving we ended up in a rather explosive conversation. She accused me of leaving for my other woman and refused to believe I hadn't seen her for four years. Her focus through the entire conversation was how my other woman was taking me away and what a horrible person she is. One short phrase she uttered was telling--I know you wouldn't do this to me.

 

I'm happy to agree to disagree with you Ms Sprouts, but my mind is firm in this. My marriage, my responsibility, my neglect, my fault.

[findingnemo]

All day I've been thinking about this post! And it is sad that the OP is so hurt. I understand where she is coming from. I was the OW. As much pain as I felt then, I couldn't imagine what a BS goes through. Intellectually, I got it. But it took becoming the BW for me to really grasp the magnitude of the betrayal.

 

One thing that we can't seem to guard against is that in the future an AP may become the BS. There is no scarcity of pain. There was no reasoning that accounted for the pain of an A or, in my case, several As. No matter how much I tried to get into the heads of the OWs and understand them, nothing they could have argued would justify the strife, tension, anger and total instability that my xH's As brought into our home. I bet they thought something was wrong with me. I can almost guarantee xH told them the worst stories they'd ever heard. All for what? He wasn't going anywhere.

 

The Charade, I wish an A affected only the BS. That's an adult who will get up, dust him/herself off and move forward eventually. The effect on the children is more ruinous. The family as a unit is shattered. It is never quite the same again. No wonder the BS wants to R in many cases. The cost of not doing so can be too much to handle.

[So happy together]

The funny part about this whole story...you knew he was married. Therefore you are partially to blame. Just as your exMM is partially to blame.

 

The only exception for me is when the OW is lied to and ends it as soon as she finds out the truth.

 

The karma bus does hit the MM. My husband lost a job not to long after. He has seen the light leave my eyes....it is starting to come back.

 

Do yourself a favor and focus on healing your own hurt. Leave them to pick up the pieces you helped scatter, if they can.

 

I am that BW you are speaking of. I too have a history with my FWH. We also have kids. This is his chance to prove himself. If you think that is pathetic, I am sorry but I owe to myself and the kids.

 

By the way, if women would not be willing to bed MM, then affairs would not happen. Just the same as if MM never approached OW. It works both ways.

 

You, generalized, don't get to walk around hurting other people just because you are "in love" or "unhappy". And when you hurt someone, you should admit the wrong and ask for forgiveness. Not hide behind excuses.

 

And so is the BS. I know it is popular for the BS's to say that they did not know so how could they have played a part, but... of course they did play a part. At least in my case, and several others I know, the WS felt neglected and no longer had a loving connection or friendship even with their BS. They found it in another and for whatever reason did not leave the original relationship. I could walk around all day flaunting my wares, and if the WH didn't seek me out, there would not be affairs. Blame the right person. The one who married you and then betrayed you. And blame yourselves for not keeping your man interested. I'll feel guilty for the part I played, but I will deal with that within myself. I won't ask for forgiveness from the BS. I won't apologize. I won't do anything. I am with my BF, but if things didn't work out, I STILL would have nothing to do with BS. None of my business. His baby to rock, I've heard it said.

[SoleMate]

When there is no explicit question in the post, I guess that gives us the freedom to respond to any idea raised or implied. Here's what strikes me:

 

The OP provides a classic A example from the POV of the OW. If anyone is wondering whether an affair is a good idea, they should read post #1 and ask themselves if they want that trajectory and that set of feelings.

 

Could it be as simple as, "Just stop having affairs"? "Just say no"?

[thecharade]

The one person I did not want to hurt needlessly (remember, I stupidly but honestly believed we absolutely had to be together) was my MM's W. I literally brought it up all the time, and he said wacko-ly ignorant things like, "Me neither." Followed two seconds later by, "When are you free this week?" His ability to ignore reality to get what he wanted simply blew my mind. When I ended it, I actually said, "I cannot allow you to hurt both me and your wife. I'm already crushed and humiliated, but I can still save her." And so I did. I do not know her and have never met her. My MM is my first love 'come back from the dead.' If I come across as dangerous to her, well, that is completely untrue. She is happy and fine and whole because I would not allow my MM to cake eat until her heart was smashed into bits.

 

"Bitter much?" Hellz, yes! Of course! Like I said (or was trying to say), most OW have never lived through this situation or dealt with anything like this. We, without question, look back on the whole thing and see how stupid and wrong-headed ad humiliating the whole thing was. But hindsight is perfect.

[So happy together]

:laugh: They felt neglected? What are they little children? It's called having lives and not being able to give them their full attention all the time with kids and sports and a home to run. If they feel neglected they need to speak up and fix it NOT CHEAT. OMG so in your reality it's ok, it's the woman who was lied to and cheated on's fault because she just didn't give him enough attention?

 

Good luck with ALWAYS putting your man first.

 

What I'm suggesting is that the BS also plays a part. I don't 'not blame' the WS. I'm saying that if all was sunny, there would not be an issue a good part of the time. Most affairs occur when there is unhappiness, loneliness etc. and BS's better believe it too. Otherwise, it would point to a flaw in their WS, which is fundamental and most likely cannot be repaired. What a mistake to stay with someone like that!

[underwater2010]

What I'm suggesting is that the BS also plays a part. I don't 'not blame' the WS. I'm saying that if all was sunny, there would not be an issue a good part of the time. Most affairs occur when there is unhappiness, loneliness etc. and BS's better believe it too. Otherwise, it would point to a flaw in their WS, which is fundamental and most likely cannot be repaired. What a mistake to stay with someone like that!

You know what, I take partial blame in the status of marriage prior to his A.

 

But the sad truth is that I was feeling the same way he was, yet managed to keep my legs and heart crossed. And there are just as many OM willing to be with MW, I guess my convictions on marriage are stronger than that. Also, I don't take flattery from other people to be much more than a line to get women to drop their pants.

 

My question to you, what are you going to do when the going gets hard in your "new" relationship? Won't it be in the back of your mind what he was willing to due to make himself "happy"?

 

I know it that is a major thought in my head, even though we are reconciling. That is a test he will face in the future.

[So happy together]

Or maybe they have filet every single day, day in and day out and would like an occasional hamburger and the ow is more than willing to be that change up.

 

Not denying that it may happen sometimes. The marriage MUST be the priority. People get lost in living the rest of their lives. Someday your kids will be grown and gone, you'll retire from your job, so will he. Your social circle will shrink. And you'll be living with a stranger if you don't make it first. It is the foundation that keeps everything else going and if you ignore your relationship, everything else will NOT fill the gaps. People get lonely and don't want to lose their whole lives so they look outside the box. If they're happy in the box, a lot of times they don't go.

[underwater2010]

And so is the BS. I know it is popular for the BS's to say that they did not know so how could they have played a part, but... of course they did play a part. At least in my case, and several others I know, the WS felt neglected and no longer had a loving connection or friendship even with their BS. They found it in another and for whatever reason did not leave the original relationship. I could walk around all day flaunting my wares, and if the WH didn't seek me out, there would not be affairs. Blame the right person. The one who married you and then betrayed you. And blame yourselves for not keeping your man interested. I'll feel guilty for the part I played, but I will deal with that within myself. I won't ask for forgiveness from the BS. I won't apologize. I won't do anything. I am with my BF, but if things didn't work out, I STILL would have nothing to do with BS. None of my business. His baby to rock, I've heard it said.

I think it is sad that your are unwilling to acknowledge the pain you caused another person. TO THAT PERSON.

 

And you know what, I don't blame myself for not keeping him interested. There are plenty of others that were interested. Without "flaunting my wares".

 

You say that you are working on your "guilt" within yourself, but I have yet to see it in any of your posts. You continue to blame his BW (ex?). You continue to blame him for breaking his vows. Yet nowhere have you acknowledged the blame you carry for sleeping with a MM. Why is that?

[So happy together]

You know what, I take partial blame in the status of marriage prior to his A.

 

But the sad truth is that I was feeling the same way he was, yet managed to keep my legs and heart crossed. And there are just as many OM willing to be with MW, I guess my convictions on marriage are stronger than that. Also, I don't take flattery from other people to be much more than a line to get women to drop their pants.

 

My question to you, what are you going to do when the going gets hard in your "new" relationship? Won't it be in the back of your mind what he was willing to due to make himself "happy"?

 

I know it that is a major thought in my head, even though we are reconciling. That is a test he will face in the future.

 

 

I, unlike his stbxw, will take steps to be there to support him and our relationship. I won't let it just flounder. And I don't worry about what he'd do to be happy. I make him happy. And with this situation, the therapy, etc. He's learned what makes him happy. He'll be just fine. And we will be just fine. You have to remember my situation is a little different because his stbxw is an alcoholic who cannot possibly be there for him at all. Who won't get help. We are a better match and are happy. It is a first affair for both of us. We regret the way things started but do not regret our relationship one bit.

[Finally Settled]

I see your point, and I do think that it shows that you have a pretty good character to take responsibility for your actions and choices...not everyone does that.

 

My point wasn't so much about the wayward spouses, but the other man/woman seeming to blame others their pain and getting ticked at they perceive to be an inequality in the repercussions after an affair.

 

If a wayward spouse is responsible for his/her pain, then wouldn't that make the other man/woman responsible for theirs? Does this matter? Does it change anything?

 

In some ways, I think that it does. As long as someone ( other man woman or wayward spouse) sees an affair as something beyond their control, something they couldn't help or stop, then nothing will keep them from making the same poor choices in the future and being hurt all over again. Who wants that kind of thing in their life? Who wants to hurt like that?

 

Accepting responsibility doesn't mean a person isn't hurting, doesn't feel bad or is not deserving of compassion and kindness...

 

A betrayed spouse has no choice in the affair...it happened, and more often than not, it isn't something they wanted. It was beyond their control.

 

Thank you for this post. I actually read the post I responded to as well as your previous post. Once I tied your words in from both I see that I was reacting from one isolated post rather than your chain of thought. For that I apologize. I do agree with you completely that any person coming out of any relationship that caused pain must investigate why the were participating, why they persevered, and find a way to avoid it happening in the future.

 

Both my other woman and I agree that the person who hurt more than any other because of the affair was my exwife. She is a remarkable woman and did not deserve what I did to her. I have one regret in life thus far, and that is it.